"Buffy?" He spoke softly, his mouth almost touching the wood, "Buffy? Are
you there?" He gently knocked on the door this time, and then let his hand
fall to the doorknob, turning it, feeling the click and release of the bolt
as he pushed it forward. He peered into her room, it was dark and the bed
was made, Buffy lay motionless on top of the covers. "Buffy?"
"Hi, Giles." She didn't stir, but her voice came out clearly from the darkness.
Rupert shifted his weight, he felt nervous, "Did I wake you?"
"No, I'm just thinking. About Mom. And Dawn. And my dad. How do you think he'll react?"
Giles moved into the room, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him. Light from the hall spilled through the space, forming a straight line that crossed the floor and rested on Buffy. He could see her face. She wore no expression. Giles moved forward and crossed his arms across his chest.
"Well, Joyce [I]was[/I] his wife at one point, I'm sure that he'll grieve…"
Buffy cut him off without looking at him, "I mean about me being the Slayer. About Dawn being the Key. About you being my Watcher. Do you think he'll flip out like Mom did? Well, like how she flipped out about me." Buffy was aware of the difference in Joyce's reaction to her and Dawn, Rupert thought he detected a bit of hurt in her voice.
Rupert coughed, "I don't know your father, but I imagine that he'll react in an expected manner."
"He'll flip out." Buffy didn't seem in the mood for long-winded explanations. He wasn't surprised, they usually aggravated her, and so he kept his answer concise.
"Yes."
Buffy sighed, "Great."
Giles walked over to the bed and sat at its foot. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and as he clasped his hands together, he studied the pattern of interlacing fingers.
"Buffy, I don't think that anyone would want to try and take Dawn from you now."
"Except for Glory, Giles. She's still out there looking for The Key. It's only a matter of time before she figures out what's going on and comes after Dawn."
"We won't let her, Buffy. We'll protect Dawn." He said it with such conviction that he surprised himself. He was rarely this sure.
"How? How can I take care of her when I couldn't even take care of my mom? I couldn't protect her, Giles. She died." Buffy's voice was angry. Giles looked up from his hands, and over to Buffy, lying prone, her eyes glassy in the strange light.
"Buffy that had nothing to do with you," He began a hurried explanation, "The aneurysm… "
"…killed her," Buffy sat up, her voice, though angry, was calm. She looked right at Giles and took a deep breath before she spoke. "Her own body killed her. I've saved the world more times than I can count, protected my family from demons and Hellmouths, but in the end, I couldn't protect my mother. There's nothing I could do. There's nothing I can do."
"That's not true. You said it yourself, Buffy, all the times you've saved people…." Buffy just shook her head. A strange half-smile was on her lips; tears had begun to well up in her eyes.
"But life still goes on. People still die in ways that have nothing to do with me, or the life I lead. They have accidents or they get sick… I don't, the Slayer, doesn't affect that at all."
Giles was beginning to understand. He reached out and touched her cheek.
"We make such a big deal about 'The Slayer' and that somehow, I'm more important than other people. Or I have more impact on the world than other people, and I do, it's just a different world and normal people aren't affected by me at all."
His hand was still on her cheek, and Giles leaned forward and kissed her forehead, letting his lips rest there afterwards. Buffy didn't move away, didn't say anything, she was just breathing. He pulled back from her to look at her face, as if a look could tell him what she thought and make him understand.
"I've tried so hard to exist outside of my world and failed. To make the rest of the world accept me on my terms, but I just have to accept it with no terms at all, don't I? I can force things in my world, I can make the Council take me seriously, I can protect Dawn from Glory and I can save the world, but I can still lose everything."
"Yes, but it's no different for anyone else, Buffy, we all stand at tip of a precipice. It's what makes us human. You've always wanted to be normal, to lead a normal life. Life doesn't get anymore normal than this."
"Death is normal," She was sobbing now, barely managing to speak, "So, why bother, Giles? Everybody dies anyway, why even try?"
"That's a very nihilistic way of looking at things." He couldn't help the irritation in his voice. He was tired and she was making this very hard on him.
Her eyes were steely, "I mean it, Giles."
"Well, really, why bother?" His sarcasm was sharp, Buffy flinched as he spoke, "Who cares if Riley gets off with vampires and leaves? Why not let Glory have Dawn? Or let Spike have his way with you? You're just going to die anyway. Just give up!"
"Giles, please…" He had really hurt her with that last volley, he knew it, but she needed to know, too.
"No, Buffy. There won't be an epiphany or words of wisdom that will fix things. Your destiny may be as the Slayer, but everything that you do in this life your choice. None of this is about that. Grieve for your mother, let your friends grieve with you, let me grieve with you."
"I am grieving! How could you say those things to me? Because I'm not a blubbering mess?" But she was a blubbering mess, her face was wet, her nose was running and Giles was pretty sure even her hair was damp. If she weren't so exhausted, she would have thrown herself on the bed and kicked her legs. But she didn't, she just sat holding her arms close to her body, shaking her head.
Rupert spoke so quietly it was barely a breath, "Because I never want to grieve for you, Buffy."
"You know I have no intention of that ever happening!" She was angry that he would assume such a thing.
"Intentions aside, Buffy, I love you and I have realized that I don't think I could…" His voice trailed off as his throat choked with tears…"I don't think I could survive it. I see how strong you are, how even when you let yourself remember that Joyce is dead, your eyes are the same. Your eyes are the same… and you're still Buffy." He pulled off his glasses, and wiped his eyes clear of tears with his handkerchief, she was being quiet. She hadn't said anything, he wasn't even sure if she had even taken a breath. He wished she would reach out to him, or speak. He put his glasses back on and looked at her. Her eyes were focused squarely on him.
"Are you okay, Giles?"
"No, I'm not. I've been feeling very guilty about some things that involved your mother and you. And my behavior. I'm not proud of it, and I need to tell you how I feel."
"I thought you just did, you love me, I look like my mom, it makes you sad," Buffy was trying to cut through the complexities of emotions Giles was feeling, to boil it down for him, "I understand Giles, and I know that you had feelings for my mom…"
"No, Buffy, I didn't. That's what I'm trying to tell you, what I've tried to tell you before…"
"Giles, you slept with her! I know!" Buffy was actually kind of smiling now, kind of an incredulous smile, as if this was the one thing of which she could be sure, "You can't lie to me about that. I heard you both think about it."
"Buffy, I slept with your mother, but I didn't have feelings for her. I didn't love her. But you two have the same eyes and she was looking at me…" Buffy seemed frozen, but he couldn't stop himself, couldn't even pretend to gauge her reaction, he looked at the bedspread instead because he had to get it out, "…she was looking at me the way I wanted you to look at me. The way you looked at me tonight when you asked me to stay." He looked up at her, to see if she was shocked or angry. "I'm in love with you, Buffy. I have been for a long time."
Buffy looked like she was at a loss for words, or at the verge of tears, and she took a deep breath. "I can't believe you saw that in me. Giles, there's nothing more that I want right now than for you to make me feel good. Please."
"Hi, Giles." She didn't stir, but her voice came out clearly from the darkness.
Rupert shifted his weight, he felt nervous, "Did I wake you?"
"No, I'm just thinking. About Mom. And Dawn. And my dad. How do you think he'll react?"
Giles moved into the room, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him. Light from the hall spilled through the space, forming a straight line that crossed the floor and rested on Buffy. He could see her face. She wore no expression. Giles moved forward and crossed his arms across his chest.
"Well, Joyce [I]was[/I] his wife at one point, I'm sure that he'll grieve…"
Buffy cut him off without looking at him, "I mean about me being the Slayer. About Dawn being the Key. About you being my Watcher. Do you think he'll flip out like Mom did? Well, like how she flipped out about me." Buffy was aware of the difference in Joyce's reaction to her and Dawn, Rupert thought he detected a bit of hurt in her voice.
Rupert coughed, "I don't know your father, but I imagine that he'll react in an expected manner."
"He'll flip out." Buffy didn't seem in the mood for long-winded explanations. He wasn't surprised, they usually aggravated her, and so he kept his answer concise.
"Yes."
Buffy sighed, "Great."
Giles walked over to the bed and sat at its foot. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees and as he clasped his hands together, he studied the pattern of interlacing fingers.
"Buffy, I don't think that anyone would want to try and take Dawn from you now."
"Except for Glory, Giles. She's still out there looking for The Key. It's only a matter of time before she figures out what's going on and comes after Dawn."
"We won't let her, Buffy. We'll protect Dawn." He said it with such conviction that he surprised himself. He was rarely this sure.
"How? How can I take care of her when I couldn't even take care of my mom? I couldn't protect her, Giles. She died." Buffy's voice was angry. Giles looked up from his hands, and over to Buffy, lying prone, her eyes glassy in the strange light.
"Buffy that had nothing to do with you," He began a hurried explanation, "The aneurysm… "
"…killed her," Buffy sat up, her voice, though angry, was calm. She looked right at Giles and took a deep breath before she spoke. "Her own body killed her. I've saved the world more times than I can count, protected my family from demons and Hellmouths, but in the end, I couldn't protect my mother. There's nothing I could do. There's nothing I can do."
"That's not true. You said it yourself, Buffy, all the times you've saved people…." Buffy just shook her head. A strange half-smile was on her lips; tears had begun to well up in her eyes.
"But life still goes on. People still die in ways that have nothing to do with me, or the life I lead. They have accidents or they get sick… I don't, the Slayer, doesn't affect that at all."
Giles was beginning to understand. He reached out and touched her cheek.
"We make such a big deal about 'The Slayer' and that somehow, I'm more important than other people. Or I have more impact on the world than other people, and I do, it's just a different world and normal people aren't affected by me at all."
His hand was still on her cheek, and Giles leaned forward and kissed her forehead, letting his lips rest there afterwards. Buffy didn't move away, didn't say anything, she was just breathing. He pulled back from her to look at her face, as if a look could tell him what she thought and make him understand.
"I've tried so hard to exist outside of my world and failed. To make the rest of the world accept me on my terms, but I just have to accept it with no terms at all, don't I? I can force things in my world, I can make the Council take me seriously, I can protect Dawn from Glory and I can save the world, but I can still lose everything."
"Yes, but it's no different for anyone else, Buffy, we all stand at tip of a precipice. It's what makes us human. You've always wanted to be normal, to lead a normal life. Life doesn't get anymore normal than this."
"Death is normal," She was sobbing now, barely managing to speak, "So, why bother, Giles? Everybody dies anyway, why even try?"
"That's a very nihilistic way of looking at things." He couldn't help the irritation in his voice. He was tired and she was making this very hard on him.
Her eyes were steely, "I mean it, Giles."
"Well, really, why bother?" His sarcasm was sharp, Buffy flinched as he spoke, "Who cares if Riley gets off with vampires and leaves? Why not let Glory have Dawn? Or let Spike have his way with you? You're just going to die anyway. Just give up!"
"Giles, please…" He had really hurt her with that last volley, he knew it, but she needed to know, too.
"No, Buffy. There won't be an epiphany or words of wisdom that will fix things. Your destiny may be as the Slayer, but everything that you do in this life your choice. None of this is about that. Grieve for your mother, let your friends grieve with you, let me grieve with you."
"I am grieving! How could you say those things to me? Because I'm not a blubbering mess?" But she was a blubbering mess, her face was wet, her nose was running and Giles was pretty sure even her hair was damp. If she weren't so exhausted, she would have thrown herself on the bed and kicked her legs. But she didn't, she just sat holding her arms close to her body, shaking her head.
Rupert spoke so quietly it was barely a breath, "Because I never want to grieve for you, Buffy."
"You know I have no intention of that ever happening!" She was angry that he would assume such a thing.
"Intentions aside, Buffy, I love you and I have realized that I don't think I could…" His voice trailed off as his throat choked with tears…"I don't think I could survive it. I see how strong you are, how even when you let yourself remember that Joyce is dead, your eyes are the same. Your eyes are the same… and you're still Buffy." He pulled off his glasses, and wiped his eyes clear of tears with his handkerchief, she was being quiet. She hadn't said anything, he wasn't even sure if she had even taken a breath. He wished she would reach out to him, or speak. He put his glasses back on and looked at her. Her eyes were focused squarely on him.
"Are you okay, Giles?"
"No, I'm not. I've been feeling very guilty about some things that involved your mother and you. And my behavior. I'm not proud of it, and I need to tell you how I feel."
"I thought you just did, you love me, I look like my mom, it makes you sad," Buffy was trying to cut through the complexities of emotions Giles was feeling, to boil it down for him, "I understand Giles, and I know that you had feelings for my mom…"
"No, Buffy, I didn't. That's what I'm trying to tell you, what I've tried to tell you before…"
"Giles, you slept with her! I know!" Buffy was actually kind of smiling now, kind of an incredulous smile, as if this was the one thing of which she could be sure, "You can't lie to me about that. I heard you both think about it."
"Buffy, I slept with your mother, but I didn't have feelings for her. I didn't love her. But you two have the same eyes and she was looking at me…" Buffy seemed frozen, but he couldn't stop himself, couldn't even pretend to gauge her reaction, he looked at the bedspread instead because he had to get it out, "…she was looking at me the way I wanted you to look at me. The way you looked at me tonight when you asked me to stay." He looked up at her, to see if she was shocked or angry. "I'm in love with you, Buffy. I have been for a long time."
Buffy looked like she was at a loss for words, or at the verge of tears, and she took a deep breath. "I can't believe you saw that in me. Giles, there's nothing more that I want right now than for you to make me feel good. Please."