A/N: Long ass chapter. Take a break in the middle of it to stretch out your limbs. =/ Lots of issues I leave out but only because I think you fine readers should deal with them as you see fit.
Here's a question for everyone to ponder while they read this chapter- does Galadriel already know what Legolas will choose?
Chapter 23- Choices
Galadriel placed her hand atop the girl's forehead and sighed. Her skin was dry and hot. She passed her cool, slender fingers over the girl's burned cheeks and felt the roughness inflicted there by the wind.
Alicia had been lying unconscious in a pool of her own wasted fluids when Galadriel reached her room. The wind had pushed at the elf's feet, urging her to hurry but Galadriel knew that there was no need for the panicked rush.
Not really.
Alicia's fate no longer rested in her hands.
Galadriel herself had lifted the girl and placed her on her bed with ease. With her quick and gentle hands, she cleaned her face of the filth that had crusted there. The powerful elf had cradled the girl and felt the thin, weak body in her arms.
So powerful and yet so weak. Galadriel said softly, staring down at the pale gaunt face. Would that you had the courage to wait but even a few weeks, your pain would have lessened and your memories grown kind. Ah, raised among humans only to gain from them their weaknesses and not their strengths. So very impatient, as they who serve you have told me and yet, though I knew the truth I had hoped that you would have learned from the past. The first time, you wove the spell for love, yes. And yet greed too- to wish for eternal happiness is not possible and yet you willed it. Greed and love, the failing of so many mortals.
Galadriel brushed a few strands of hair away from Alicia's forehead and closed her eyes.
But you are not mortal. said Galadriel. If you had only thought of time as your friend and not your enemy. Time as a bearer of wisdom and not something to be fought against. Yet you can not be blamed for your actions, young one, for that is indeed what you are- still a child. Time has not tempered your impulsive nature nor cooled your emotions and now it shall never be given the chance to do so. You have lost so much but if you had only controlled yourself, you would have gained so much more.
Galadriel's eyes opened and she sat up from her place at Alicia's bedside. Her hand drifted from Alicia's brow to her hand.
Sad, foolish child. Pitiful soul.
Her blue eyes grew distant as she looked up into the air.
You are trapped, young one, for in this world your powers are weak. If you had but listened to me, listened to the ancient voice that you were born with, you would have known what would happen if you attempted to cast the spell again. You are halfway between this world and yours and the consequences for either path are great. Your only hope resides in one that, I fear, shall too be blinded by impulsiveness.
Galadriel rose up from her seat and set the sleeping girl's hands over her stomach.
( We are ready.... )
( Send for him... )
Galadriel lifted her head and closed her eyes, nodding slightly.
She sighed deeply.
A child you are and a child you will be for as long as you live. Galadriel said, opening her eyes. But how long that will be remains yet uncarved in stone.
And with that, she turned around and called for a servant to deliver a message to the Prince.
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"How fares the girl?"
Legolas looked up from his place on the stone bench and found that he was looked upon by two pairs of bright blue eyes. Inquisitive but kind and above all- hopeful.
"She is..." Legolas paused, wondering if he should say a word about what had just happened between him and Alicia. No, his heart was too sore and the pain was too fresh to speak about.
"She is resting." he said finally.
"Good!" Fortinbas said merrily. "I have thought of a new game to play with her that I am sure will bring her delight! When she awakens..."
"She will not want to play games." Legolas said, a bit sharply. Fortinbas grew quiet and Faran tilted his head to the side, his wide smile slowly fading from his lips.
"Why are you not at her side, my Prince?" Faran asked softly. "The garden of Lothlorien is beautiful to behold, yes, but surely you would rather be by Karalynn's bedside than here alone."
Legolas looked down and gripped the edge of the bench with his hands. Of course they would still call her Karalynn.. of course they would not know the added pain it brought him to hear the name of the woman he loved and of the woman who loved him. For that was who Karalynn was. The sweet, simple girl who trusted wholly in Legolas and would never ask him to leave her. Karalynn, who had shown him her love by wanting to stay by his side at all times, who asked of him simple requests though he would have given her everything he could within his power. Faran and Fortinbas did not know Alicia. They would be confused by the suddenly dark and sullen creature that lay in the bed, far above them. They would not understand the pain in her eyes, nor the heaviness in her heart. They would not understand the change that the soft-hearted girl had gone through.
Better for them not to know then.
Fortinbas, Legolas knew, already had an affinity for the girl's laughter and because Kythe loved Karalynn as a daughter, so did Faran. To see her now, to know of the sorrow that she had now would only cause more pain and Legolas did not wish that on anyone.
"She is not well, is she, Legolas?" Fortinbas said, snapping Legolas out of his thoughts. "You wish to hide from us the truth about her condition."
Legolas slowly shook his head and forced himself to smile.
"Nay, Fortinbas." he said in a light tone. "She is merely sleeping. I have been by her side since entering Lothlorien and now that her mind is at rest, I wish to look upon the beauty of the flowers here."
And it was partly true. After Alicia had spoken... after Legolas left her room, he went to the garden, down at the base of the great tree where their quarters were. He wanted to lose himself in the beauty of the blossoms around him and had hoped that his pain would be eased, even if for a moment. But all he could think about as he gazed on each flower was how Karalynn.. no, Alicia, had once loved to play among the flowers in Mirkwood. Kythe had taught her how to make a crown of blossoms one day and Legolas had remembered how she looked then, dancing in the field with the blossoms in her hair, twirling around and around and around....
Once, he had tickled her cheeks with the petals of a pale pink flower and how she had laughed then! How happy she had been at that moment, as Legolas trailed the soft petals across her face, and how tight her arms had been around him when she hugged him. So happy and so bright and so...
She would never be that way again.
"She is sleeping? Fortinbas said, sounding surprised. He grinned suddenly. "Sleeping peacefully? Has the Lady Galadriel helped her then?"
Legolas smiled back and nodded, no longer trusting himself to speak. Yes, let them believe. Spare them the hurt that would come with knowing that all they had done was in vain. Karalynn...no, Alicia was not well, would never be well, and did not even wish to return home with them. Legolas hoped that they would believe him- it was for the best for the both of them if they just believed.
But Faran did not look convinced.
"The girl is better after two days, dear Prince?" he said, his face still and hesitant. "The powers of the Lady must be great indeed. By chance, your Highness, the tremors that were felt by all yesterday... were they related to the girl in any way? Or the swift and mighty wind that came upon us suddenly at that same moment?"
"Those were nothing, Faran." Legolas said firmly. "Think not of them anymore."
"Yes, brother, why dwell on such things when the girl is healed." Fortinbas said. Legolas envied him his faith and hated himself for causing Fortinbas to be happy in a falsehood. Fortinbas turned to Legolas and smiled. "My brother and I were going to the serving hall to meet some of the Galadhrim. One of the guards told us that he would introduce us to the fair maidens of this wood..."
"Brother go on." Faran said sharply, keeping his eyes on the prince. Legolas kept his face unreadable though he was wary of what Faran would say. "I wish to speak to the Prince about matters concerning the girl... and Kythe."
Faran had added Kythe as an afterthought, Legolas knew, to keep Fortinbas from suspecting anything else.
Fortinbas looked indignant at his older brother and frowned.
"If you wish to send me away, do so and do not think that you need to blind me to the truth." he said.
Faran rolled his eyes.
"You may stay then." Faran said. "If you wish to hear about the bonding ceremony, then you are of course privy to the details. I wished to have the Prince's advice on where the ceremony should take place, what season, what his father would deem appropriate for my clothing..."
"Perhaps I should leave then," Fortinbas said, already walking away. Legolas could not help but smile at Faran who merely winked back. "Such delicate details take time and attention, both of which I have not for this."
When Fortinbas was gone and Faran was sure that they were alone, he sat down next to the prince and stared at him.
"We have known each other for countless years, have we not?" he asked quietly.
Legolas nodded.
"You were the first that I told when I realized my feelings for Kythe." Faran said. "Not even my brother knew of it- he was but a child then. I have trusted you with other secrets since then, have I not, my friend?"
"Yes, Faran, and I was always true to my word."
"Then why do you try to hide the truth about the girl from us?" Faran said. Legolas felt him place a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I see it in your eyes- it does not bode well for her. Is she still ill, Legolas? Did the Lady not help her?"
Legolas almost laughed. Faran's assumptions were so far from the truth.
"Ah, Faran." he said, slowly lowering his eyes. "I wished to keep you from this ill news as long as I could but I see now... you are right, my friend."
"The Lady Galadriel could not help her."
"Quite the opposite." Legolas said. A bitter smile stretched his lips tightly and his eyes grew dark with sorrow. "The Lady Galadriel has done plenty for the girl. In fact, so much has been done for her that only the four of us will return to the kingdom."
The shock in Faran's face was clear and bright.
"The four of us, my Prince?" he said in a whisper. "But five arrived here. How can only four return... you do not mean... the girl will stay in Lothlorien?"
"Kara... Alicia will go home." Legolas said. "Though in what way or in what condition, I know not. Do you not remember the fair Lhundoliel?"
"Lhundoliel ." Faran said, frowning. "Ciaran's betrothed? She faded so many years ago, did she not? What does she have to do with Karalynn? And why did you call her by that strange name? What..."
Faran stopped speaking so abruptly that Legolas looked up. His friend's face had gone pale and his eyes had widened- not in complete understanding but in guess.
"The girl is fading." Faran said softly. "Of a broken heart? Is that what you keep from us?"
"She belongs to a shadow in her mind." Legolas said. "And she does not wish to have that shadow release its hold on her. I can not compete against a ghost, Faran. Ghosts in truth, for she also has... had a child. A male child. Dead now, like her beloved- a mortal man. The Lady Galadriel brought her back her memories and with them has come the painful reality of her emotions. She is drowning in them, my friend, and she does not wish to leave such dark waters."
"Your Highness, perhaps if she knew of your intentions," Faran said, shaking his head. "Of your feelings towards her, then she would..."
"She knows." Legolas said softly. A soft breeze blew across his forehead and he shut his eyes briefly. "She knows for I have made myself clear to her. She has rejected me."
"She is confused, my friend, she was weak when she arrived in Lothlorien and the added stress of..."
Legolas jerked to his feet with a start and glared at the other elf.
"No more excuses shall be made for her." he said. "She is no longer the simple-minded child we took her for. Perhaps she was once but now no longer! She does not want me and I will not force myself on her again."
Faran looked at Legolas, questioning.
"Again?"
Legolas looked away and refused to answer.
"Will you not fight for her either?" Faran asked. He threw out his arms and gestured to the place around them. "We braved the dangers of travel, my Prince, and you have already set yourself apart to your father by pledging yourself to a mortal..."
"She is not mortal, Faran." Legolas said. His shoulders drooped and Faran blinked in surprise. "That is the crux of it. I claimed a mortal when I left my home and now that I have come here, I find that I have lost an immortal."
"There is much that you do not tell me." Faran said. "And perhaps I shall never know what has truly happened in the days that have passed. But I know this, my Prince, my friend- you have come too far to give up on Karalynn. Whether you know her now by some other name does not matter. Whatever has happened in her past does not matter. She is now who she has always been to you, since the first day we came across her- the one that you have given your heart to. Will you not fight for that?"
"She does not wish for me to fight any longer." Legolas said quietly. "She does not love me. She wishes to be alone with her thoughts.."
"Foolish words but only words." Faran said. He stood up and faced the prince. "I have seen the way the girl looks at you, as if you are the only one in her world who truly exists. She asks for you when you are not within a short distance and worries when your hand is not in hers..."
"All that has changed, Faran. You have not seen her now..."
"She wishes only for you to smile and for your heart to be light." Faran went on, as if the prince had not spoken. "She trusts you to keep her safe and protected and would willingly do what you asked. If that is not love, Legolas, than you are blind to your own actions for that is what you have done yourself."
"She does not love me!" Legolas spat out and Faran stared at the prince, never seeing him so quick to emotion. "You were not there, Faran, when she said the words. You did not see her face! You did not see her fall when she..."
"Fall, my Prince?" Faran repeated slowly.
Legolas stopped and shook his head, lifting his hand up to cover his eyes. He had said too much. He should have never allowed himself to think that he could confide in Faran- the confusion on the other elf's face was clear. No, he was alone in this and even if he told his father everything that had happened, he would not understand.
No one would.
He turned his back on Faran and hung his head so low that his chin nearly touched his chest. He felt weak with sadness, with loneliness and with failure.
"Leave me, Faran." he said in a broken voice that sounded alien and foreign, even to his own ears. "Please. Do not speak of this to anyone else..."
"No, my friend, you have my word. But there must be something that...."
"No, it is over. Leave me be."
"Prince Legolas! Prince Legolas!"
Legolas raised his heavy head and frowned at the loud, frantic voice of the young elf that was rapidly approaching them. It was a male servant, by the look of his clothing. He ran down the winding stairs that led down to the garden and Faran and Legolas watched him quietly.
The youth made his way swiftly to Legolas and bowed gracefully before him.
"What need is there for urgency?" Faran asked, walking up to where Legolas and the boy stood.
"The Lady Galadriel bids you to hurry to the girl's room." the elf said, staring fixedly at Legolas. "She said that there is now a choice to be made and that the burden lays on your shoulders."
"I do not need to be there in order to give the Lady Galadriel my choice." Legolas said calmly. "Tell her that I stand by the girl's wishes. Whatever her will is, then so shall be mine. If she would return to her home, then who am I to prevent her from doing so? I echo her wishes with my heart."
The young elf shook his head.
"No, Prince Legolas, you do not understand." he said. A tone of frustration crept into his voice. "You must go now to her quarters. The girl can not speak for herself. I have seen her with my eyes and I tell you now that she has no voice to speak with."
Legolas felt a chill run through him. The elf stepped back at the expression on Legolas' face and shook his head, eyes widening.
"She is not dead but that could easily have changed from then to now." he said and Legolas exhaled loudly.
Without saying another word, he rushed for the stairs with Faran close at his heels.
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It was not Alicia.
It could not be.
The body that lay on the bed was absolutely still. Not even his keen eyes could see if her chest rose and fell with breath. It was simply a perfect copy of the girl he had spoken to only a few hours ago. A perfect replica of her- pale skin, bright pink cheeks and ashen lips. There was no movement behind her eyes.
Legolas pressed his fingers against the dry skin of her lips, hoping to feel moisture from her breath but there was none.
He uttered a soft cry and passed his fingers from her mouth to her cheek, pressing his face against the crook of her neck. She was so cold. No creature, mortal or otherwise, could be so cold and still draw breath.
"What choice would you have me make now?" Legolas asked, closing his eyes and raising his head a little ways from her skin. He did not wish to be separated from her again and the coldness of her body was spreading over to his own limbs. "Shall I bury her here or in the forests of my own home? What cruel matters would you have me settle now, Lady Galadriel, now that she is dead? Is this what you spoke of? Is this the choice that you would have me decide?"
Cold.
So cold.
Is this what it felt like for Lhundoliel? Is this what Alicia felt before she slipped away into nothingness- the spreading cover of winter over her body?
Is this what death felt like?
"Calm yourself, dear Prince, lest you fade away before my eyes." said the tall elf in the corner. Galadriel moved silently from her place and stood by Alicia's bedside. She looked down at the still girl and the crumpled elf that had thrown himself across her only moments ago. When Legolas had entered the room and saw what the young elf had spoken of, something in him broke. Some cold dam that had held back all his emotions had suddenly been overcome and he had fallen to his knees at her side, clutching her as if doing so would cause her to move.
He was not crying but there was something more terrible than tears on his face.
"I care not what happens before your eyes!" Legolas cried out. His fingers dug into Alicia's cold flesh. He raised his sore eyes, already reddening from the sight of the girl, and met Galadriel's gaze. "She is gone! Your riddles, my Lady, have done no good whatsoever! Leave us now in peace. I curse the day that you crossed my father's messenger. I am not afraid of your powers for you have done nothing with them to help us. Do not allow your shadow to darken her body, at the very least, grant me that."
"Hush now." Galadriel said. Faran gasped from his place at the doorway and looked at Galadriel in fear. She nodded at him and gestured with her hand. "You, Faran, faithful friend and warrior for your prince, this does not concern you and I ask you to take your leave."
"May I stand then, at the door, to guard over this room?" Faran asked, his face struggling with emotion. "I do not wish to leave my Prince alone to mourn over the girl's body."
"She is not dead." Galadriel said, looking back down at Legolas. Legolas drew in a cold breath and Faran blinked. "But yes, faithful one, you may stand guard until sunset this day."
Faran walked out of the room and Legolas remained silent until he heard the door settle back into its frame.
"Do the living not draw breath in Lothlorien?" Legolas asked coldly. He drew himself up but his hands remained on Alicia's body. "Tell me, Lady Galadriel, fair ruler of the Golden Wood, are all the living creatures in your realm as cold as she?"
"Still your rash mouth, my Prince." she said. Her pale cheeks colored slightly. "You are in pain, yes, but that bears as no excuse for your words."
"You send a messenger to me so that I may come here and what do I find but the cold, still body of my charge?" Legolas said in a tight voice. "And yet you tell me that she is alive despite all signs otherwise."
"Listen to me, young Prince, and still your impulsive mouth." she said. Her voice was steady but her eyes were bright. "The girl is alive but if you insist on not heeding my words then leave this wood ever unknowing of the truth."
Legolas lowered his head and closed his eyes briefly, forcing himself to slow his heated heart.
"I apologize, dear Lady." he said quietly. "I.. I do not understand how she can be alive and still feel as cold as winter."
Galadriel's stern eyes softened and she moved behind Legolas, brushing her soft fingers past his brow as a mother would do to a feverish child.
"You are forgiven." she said. "You strike out because you are angry but you must work to calm yourself for there is much to be done. Haste and emotion will only cloud your vision- remember yourself, Prince of Mirkwood."
"Yes." Legolas whispered.
"She is alive and yet not so." Galadriel said carefully. "She is not in her own world and because of this, her powers are greatly diminished. Warped and twisted. Only the elements do as they are told and even then, her control of them weakens- for what servant could follow a master whose mind is no longer clear? Yet they would protect her for she is as their own."
"Can they save her?" Legolas asked.
Galadriel stepped back from him and he turned his neck to look at her as she moved to the foot of the bed.
"No." she said. "They are powerless unless they are commanded. They act according to time and the seasons but for other purposes... they must be told. No, in truth she is lost completely and no power can bring her back to the person she was before."
Legolas stared at Galadriel with wide, dark eyes and she looked back at him gently.
"Legolas, the woman she had been is no longer. She cast a spell on herself, the same spell that marked the beginning of all of this. As one snowflake can trigger an avalanche, so did one simple spell erase an entire lifetime of sadness."
Legolas' lips moved but he could find no voice to speak with.
"Her mind, as it was, is destroyed. Never to be found, never to be healed. With her mind, gone too are the spells that could have helped her. And with those spells, her complete control over the elements are gone."
A sob escaped his lips and he squeezed his eyes shut.
He would be dying now too.
"Hold fast, Legolas!" Galadriel said. "I have spoken the truth and I shall continue to do so. There still is hope for her. And for yourself as well."
Legolas opened his eyes, gasping for air and looked at Galadriel.
"Hope?" he repeated in a hoarse voice. "I know not the word, my Lady. Its meaning is lost to me."
"Then re-learn its meaning and quickly." said Galadriel. She gestured to the body that Legolas still clutched at. "Hope for her life and yours. For she is alive now but soon may not be. Have you not heard my words, Legolas? Have you not listened carefully to my meaning? The woman she had been is gone- but not the girl you knew. For the moments of her greatest joy was in her childhood, pouring over the legends and stories created for the young. Those are not forgotten and the child she had been still remains. Have you not wondered at why she seemed so diminished in her mind during the days of her stay in Mirkwood? It was because she was a child- or so she thought she was. Sadness has been erased but happiness- her happiness still lingers. It is this part of her that can be retrieved. Yet it lays trapped now, between the boundary of life and death. The spell has been cast but now her body knows not what to do. This is where your part is played."
Legolas sat up, slowly gaining his strength and his spirit.
"A choice, Lady Galadriel." he said. "You spoke of a choice."
"Yes. I gave you a chance to save yourself before the truth was revealed and now I am giving you the second and last chance you have." she said. "Because of your love for the girl, the elements have relinquished themselves to your control- but only for a brief time. You have the power to send her home, to her world and you have the power to keep her here with you. You know of her wishes, Legolas, and you know that she no longer wished to live. It was her desire to die and be buried along side her husband and child. Send her home, Legolas, and all shall be done according to her wishes. She will not live for more than a second's time when she returns to the soil of her birth but she will die in peace. She will die in happiness."
Legolas tore his eyes away from Galadriel and looked at Alicia. Was it his imagination that her lips were now slightly parted? Was her hand growing warmer in his grasp or was that just his own warmth? Hope was such a elusive creature, quick to fade and fly away. Yet now Legolas clung to it as he clung to Alicia.
"And if I keep her with me?" Legolas asked, glancing back at Galadriel. "Will she live or die?"
"She shall live."
"You say I have a choice, Lady Galadriel and yet... there is only one possible path that I can choose!" Legolas cried out, sitting up. "Send her home and she dies. Keep her here and she lives. There is no choice!"
"Eldest son of King Thranduil and yet among the youngest still of our kind." Galadriel said. "You speak quickly but your thoughts do not act as quick. There are always consequences to our actions- even our best laid plans fall to ruin if we are blinded by our own desires.
She looked grimly down at Legolas' blue eyes and tilted her head.
Keep her alive, dear Prince, and what you will have is a child at your side for all time. She will forever be trapped in the stories of her mind. She will be a child with the face of a woman. If you choose to keep her in this world, then you shall be burdened with the weight of temptation. I see into your heart and your love is true and good and loyal yet there will come moments when you will look at her not with the eye of a caretaker but with the gaze of a lover.
Galadriel gestured to Alicia's face but kept her gaze on Legolas.
She will never grow old. Galadriel said, solemn. She will forever remain the vision you see here before you- and even more so. But her mind and body, Legolas, will not be able to give you what you will desire from her at times- physical fulfillment. She will be your temptation and your burden if she lives. Tis a heavy choice, dear Prince. Choose wisely.
Legolas looked down at Alicia's face and let the weight of Galadriel's words sink into his mind. He had been given the power of life or death over one creature and that in itself was a strange thing. But now he held that power over the one person he feared to live without.
( "It was her desire to die and be buried along side her husband and child..." )
How could he put her to death? How could he continue on knowing that he had ended the life of this girl? Not only was she an innocent but she had once saved his own life and the lives of his friends. Yes, Alicia had wished to leave him, she had wished to die but she had not asked him to kill her! He could not even raise his hand against her and to speak the words of command for her death was incomprehensible.
( "Let me go. Let me finish my fall." )
She had been so hopeless though- her eyes had been so full of despair... was this what she really wanted then? Did she believe that she would be reunited with her lost ones? Was there a place in her world where the dead would exist forevermore together? Surely, she would not have wanted to end her life without some kind of belief that all she had lost would be found again. If he kept her in this world, would he be denying her the right to be with those she loved once? Legolas knew that she would cease to suffer when she died. To give her death would then give her peace, would it not? In some way, he would be bringing her happiness and that was all he had ever wanted for her- to be happy, to be in peace.
( "Love is a word that signifies the willingness to sacrifice, Legolas. To choose another's happiness over your own. When the time comes, will you be able to do so? To follow her wishes instead of yours?" )
Her wishes then- not his.
He had to do what was right, what was honorable.
He opened his mouth to speak but found that words eluded him. How could he tell the Lady Galadriel that he was ready to make his choice when his heart was screaming at him to keep quiet? His stomach churned and in some dim part of his mind, he wondered at the feeling of being physically ill.
"I will give you some time alone with her to fully reconcile yourself to your choice, dear Prince." Galadriel said softly. "But you must make your decision before sunset."
"I..." Legolas licked his dry lips and closed his eyes. "I have made my choice."
"Still impulsive, Legolas?" she said. "Nay, you must give yourself time to speak. Make peace with your mind and your heart lest your misery and grief steal away your senses and thought. You have the gift of time and wisdom at your disposal- make good use of both before I return to hear your words."
Legolas opened his eyes and turned around to watch the Lady Galadriel walk out of the room. When she was gone, Legolas turned back to Alicia.
They were now alone.
