"Are you okay?"
"Oh, Angel!" Buffy fell against him without thinking; she was looking for something familiar, the cold embrace from her past, when life was easy and slaying was hard. She was crying, again, and Angel did nothing but stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. He held her quietly until she was ready to let go. They stood on the edge of the graveyard for a few minutes before Buffy spoke.
Buffy looked up at Angel, a little confused to see him, "Willow called you?"
Angel shifted, a little surprised by Buffy's surprise, "Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. Work and the sun and everything…"
"It's okay, you're here now." She sounded genuinely happy that he was there, at ease and the same as always, but different. She looked tired and she smelled… well, different than she used to. But the smell was very familiar.
"Were you at Giles' apartment? No wonder I couldn't find you." She drew in her breath sharply, almost a gasp of surprise. "Buffy, you told everyone you were going to be on patrol."
Buffy breathed a heavy sigh into Angel's chest, "I didn't want them to know where I was, and I wanted to be alone."
"And so you went to Giles' apartment."
"Yeah, not a lot of making-sense there, huh?" She pulled away from him and turned back towards the graveyard.
"Not for the 'alone' aspect of things, no."
"I just needed to be around him, kind of for the same reason that I'm glad you're here, familiarity and safety and stuff…"
"Stuff?" Angel looked at the back of her head and neck, the way her shoulders were hanging; she was tense. Her body language was telling him she was on guard, but he didn't sense any other vamps around, it was a completely still night except for the light breeze that was carrying Buffy's perfume and Giles' cologne… "Listen, Buffy, I can tell when you're hiding something. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but don't think I can't smell him all over you."
"So he gave me a hug..." She tried to shrug it off, but she wouldn't look at him, and that told Angel that he was right.
"Is that what they call it now? Buffy, I-I-I…" He was sputtering, unable to speak. Angel was hurt by this revelation; it hit him harder than when he had heard about Riley. Riley was an unknown factor, but Giles was well known to him.
"Angel, stop." He couldn't see that Buffy had tears running down her face, "You don't have any say in this. I am glad you're here, I needed to see you, but I don't need any more grief."
"Buffy, I'm so-…" Buffy cut him off with one hard word.
"Don't. We did this already, and it was painful then," She looked up at him, over her shoulder, her eyes glistening, "I love him and I just want that to be it. It's bad enough you're the first one to find out, I don't need you to lay a guilt trip on me."
"No one else knows?" Angel was surprised. Buffy had managed to keep this from Willow, Xander and Dawn, of all people? Had Joyce known before she had died?
"No, we've all been a little distracted lately." She let out a staggered sob, and Angel was thrown, he had expected a distraught Buffy, but not for this reason, not for Giles, but for Joyce.
"How long have you two been, I don't know, together?"
"Almost two days." Angel couldn't believe it, the very day that Joyce had died, Buffy and Giles had started this tryst.
He sighed and put his hand on her shoulder. "Are you sure this isn't your distraction? Your way of not dealing with your mom being gone?"
"What?" Buffy turned around, and came toward him, "I have done nothing but deal with her being gone! Dawn can't do it, Angel. Why are you being so hard on me? My mom is gone, and you are trying to make the one good thing that has happened to me in months into some dirty, twisted cry for help. Angel, she's gone and I have no one to lean on."
"Buffy, that man loves you and for him it is not about grief. Don't use him to get over your mother's death."
"Don't talk to me that way. You don't' know what this is about, you don't know what I feel for him. Not everything is about me; this is about Giles, too!" She was sobbing, and swaying back and forth as if she was about to lose her balance, "It's about being an adult and being in love and realizing that it doesn't always happen when you're life is perfect! My life is never going to be perfect, Angel, I can't wait anymore."
"But your mom just died, Buffy, it's…"
Buffy practically growled at him, "What? Wrong? Weird? Too close to home?"
"He's your father figure…"
"And you and Riley weren't? Angel, I took psych 101, I dated a psyche major! I have Freud written all over me! The point is that I don't care anymore. I'm tired of waiting and wondering. I don't have to hide myself from Giles. I know what he expects from me."
"Buffy that was different…" He wasn't used to her being this insightful, it was as if she had given up and let go of all those notions of what life was supposed to be. "I just expected to come back and for things to be the same as they were the last time."
"I know," The edge had gone from her voice, "but things are always screwed up, so why does it have to be so hard for us to see each other?"
"Because we were in love, it was good, and we don't feel that way anymore."
"Yeah, I guess that's true." Buffy crossed her arms and looked at the ground. "Thank you for coming, Angel."
"I wouldn't know what else to do." He wrapped her in his arms and gave her a hug. "What time is the funeral tomorrow?"
"It's in the late afternoon. I just want to crawl into bed when it's over."
"Do you want me to stay, walk you home?"
"You don't have to, but I think Dawn might want to see you."
The two friends began walking in the direction of Buffy's home, she with her arms crossed, he with his hands in his pockets and his stuck-up hair making a frightening silhouette on the street.
The sidewalk must have been very interesting, because they both cast their eyes intently at its smooth gray surface.
"Yeah, that's another thing, I went by your house, I was disinvited, and then Xander and this girl wouldn't invite me in."
Buffy looked up from her feet, surprised. "Really? Where was Dawn?"
"Not in the kitchen…"
"Well, that's not surprising, she's been giving herself a lot of space lately. And Anya isn't the most tactful person in the world when it comes to this stuff."
"I don't think anyone is."
"No, I guess you're right." She kicked at invisible pebbles as they walked.
Angel looked over at the girl he used to be so in love with, and he was surprised to see a woman there, "I think you're all going to be okay."
Buffy just kept walking, eyes downcast, a little lost in her own thoughts, then she stopped and looked up at him, "We have to be, or it's all for nothing."
"Oh, Angel!" Buffy fell against him without thinking; she was looking for something familiar, the cold embrace from her past, when life was easy and slaying was hard. She was crying, again, and Angel did nothing but stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. He held her quietly until she was ready to let go. They stood on the edge of the graveyard for a few minutes before Buffy spoke.
Buffy looked up at Angel, a little confused to see him, "Willow called you?"
Angel shifted, a little surprised by Buffy's surprise, "Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner. Work and the sun and everything…"
"It's okay, you're here now." She sounded genuinely happy that he was there, at ease and the same as always, but different. She looked tired and she smelled… well, different than she used to. But the smell was very familiar.
"Were you at Giles' apartment? No wonder I couldn't find you." She drew in her breath sharply, almost a gasp of surprise. "Buffy, you told everyone you were going to be on patrol."
Buffy breathed a heavy sigh into Angel's chest, "I didn't want them to know where I was, and I wanted to be alone."
"And so you went to Giles' apartment."
"Yeah, not a lot of making-sense there, huh?" She pulled away from him and turned back towards the graveyard.
"Not for the 'alone' aspect of things, no."
"I just needed to be around him, kind of for the same reason that I'm glad you're here, familiarity and safety and stuff…"
"Stuff?" Angel looked at the back of her head and neck, the way her shoulders were hanging; she was tense. Her body language was telling him she was on guard, but he didn't sense any other vamps around, it was a completely still night except for the light breeze that was carrying Buffy's perfume and Giles' cologne… "Listen, Buffy, I can tell when you're hiding something. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, but don't think I can't smell him all over you."
"So he gave me a hug..." She tried to shrug it off, but she wouldn't look at him, and that told Angel that he was right.
"Is that what they call it now? Buffy, I-I-I…" He was sputtering, unable to speak. Angel was hurt by this revelation; it hit him harder than when he had heard about Riley. Riley was an unknown factor, but Giles was well known to him.
"Angel, stop." He couldn't see that Buffy had tears running down her face, "You don't have any say in this. I am glad you're here, I needed to see you, but I don't need any more grief."
"Buffy, I'm so-…" Buffy cut him off with one hard word.
"Don't. We did this already, and it was painful then," She looked up at him, over her shoulder, her eyes glistening, "I love him and I just want that to be it. It's bad enough you're the first one to find out, I don't need you to lay a guilt trip on me."
"No one else knows?" Angel was surprised. Buffy had managed to keep this from Willow, Xander and Dawn, of all people? Had Joyce known before she had died?
"No, we've all been a little distracted lately." She let out a staggered sob, and Angel was thrown, he had expected a distraught Buffy, but not for this reason, not for Giles, but for Joyce.
"How long have you two been, I don't know, together?"
"Almost two days." Angel couldn't believe it, the very day that Joyce had died, Buffy and Giles had started this tryst.
He sighed and put his hand on her shoulder. "Are you sure this isn't your distraction? Your way of not dealing with your mom being gone?"
"What?" Buffy turned around, and came toward him, "I have done nothing but deal with her being gone! Dawn can't do it, Angel. Why are you being so hard on me? My mom is gone, and you are trying to make the one good thing that has happened to me in months into some dirty, twisted cry for help. Angel, she's gone and I have no one to lean on."
"Buffy, that man loves you and for him it is not about grief. Don't use him to get over your mother's death."
"Don't talk to me that way. You don't' know what this is about, you don't know what I feel for him. Not everything is about me; this is about Giles, too!" She was sobbing, and swaying back and forth as if she was about to lose her balance, "It's about being an adult and being in love and realizing that it doesn't always happen when you're life is perfect! My life is never going to be perfect, Angel, I can't wait anymore."
"But your mom just died, Buffy, it's…"
Buffy practically growled at him, "What? Wrong? Weird? Too close to home?"
"He's your father figure…"
"And you and Riley weren't? Angel, I took psych 101, I dated a psyche major! I have Freud written all over me! The point is that I don't care anymore. I'm tired of waiting and wondering. I don't have to hide myself from Giles. I know what he expects from me."
"Buffy that was different…" He wasn't used to her being this insightful, it was as if she had given up and let go of all those notions of what life was supposed to be. "I just expected to come back and for things to be the same as they were the last time."
"I know," The edge had gone from her voice, "but things are always screwed up, so why does it have to be so hard for us to see each other?"
"Because we were in love, it was good, and we don't feel that way anymore."
"Yeah, I guess that's true." Buffy crossed her arms and looked at the ground. "Thank you for coming, Angel."
"I wouldn't know what else to do." He wrapped her in his arms and gave her a hug. "What time is the funeral tomorrow?"
"It's in the late afternoon. I just want to crawl into bed when it's over."
"Do you want me to stay, walk you home?"
"You don't have to, but I think Dawn might want to see you."
The two friends began walking in the direction of Buffy's home, she with her arms crossed, he with his hands in his pockets and his stuck-up hair making a frightening silhouette on the street.
The sidewalk must have been very interesting, because they both cast their eyes intently at its smooth gray surface.
"Yeah, that's another thing, I went by your house, I was disinvited, and then Xander and this girl wouldn't invite me in."
Buffy looked up from her feet, surprised. "Really? Where was Dawn?"
"Not in the kitchen…"
"Well, that's not surprising, she's been giving herself a lot of space lately. And Anya isn't the most tactful person in the world when it comes to this stuff."
"I don't think anyone is."
"No, I guess you're right." She kicked at invisible pebbles as they walked.
Angel looked over at the girl he used to be so in love with, and he was surprised to see a woman there, "I think you're all going to be okay."
Buffy just kept walking, eyes downcast, a little lost in her own thoughts, then she stopped and looked up at him, "We have to be, or it's all for nothing."