Buffy and Dawn tore across the hall into Joyce's room and Rupert, with
Buffy's robe in hand, was right behind them. Dawn was still joyfully
squealing, "I knew it!" as Buffy chased her around and onto Joyce's bed,
screaming "Shut up!"
Rupert could see that this was only going to get worse, even if he couldn't exactly see how. "Girls, please stop this…Buffy!"
Buffy froze, and Dawn, reacting to her sister's lack of pursuit remained standing on Joyce's bed.
"Buffy, put this on," Rupert was angry, "Dawn, sit down." He handed Buffy her robe, and sat her down at Joyce's vanity table, with her back to Dawn.
"Dawn, obviously, this is not the way we hoped that you would find out about... this." Rupert paused, which gave Dawn just enough leeway to rattle off a string of questions, "How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? When are you going to tell everyone else? Why-"
"Dawn! Be Quiet!" Buffy had turned around and was shooting daggers at her sister.
"Both of you be quiet and remain quiet until I'm finished speaking." Rupert gave the girls withering looks, and he knew that he was guaranteed silence. "Dawn, Buffy and I are still trying to figure out the terms of our relationship."
Dawn raised an eyebrow and Rupert coughed, "Buffy and I haven't had a chance to discuss any kind of announcement; there is too much else going on. Today is certainly out of the question, there is too much going on and with your father's arrival…"
Dawn crossed her arms and pursed her lips, "He's not coming."
Giles sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Dawn, please, I asked you not to interrupt…"
Buffy jumped out of the chair and walked over to Dawn, "What do you mean he's not coming?"
"He called while you were out last night, " She threw Rupert a dirty look, "And said that he couldn't make it. Business, his new wife, or something. He's not coming, Buffy. He's sending flowers instead."
"Dawn, when were you going to tell me?" Buffy's eyes were getting glassy, and her mouth was starting to drop. She sat down next to Dawn, and took her sister's hand.
Dawn squirmed, "I was going to tell you, I swear! I was just trying to think of a good way to say it." As she saw the reaction on her sister's face, Dawn realized that Angel had been right. Buffy was taking it really hard. "I'm sorry, Buffy."
"It's okay, I mean, same situation here." The girls smiled half-heartedly at one another, "I should have told you sooner, Dawn, and we could have avoided this…" Buffy sighed and squeezed Dawn's hand, "He's only sending flowers instead. Is he retarded?"
Dawn giggled through her tears.
Buffy looked up at Rupert, and saw that his lips were pursed together. That usually meant that he was angry.
"Giles, what's wrong?" Buffy searched his face for some sign of what he could be so angry about.
"It's nothing, Buffy, I think I'm finally starting to figure it out."
"What?" Buffy squeezed Dawn's hand tighter and shifted closer to her sister.
"That your father is an ass."
Dawn just sat staring at Rupert in shock, but Buffy smiled, rolled her eyes and said, "Giles, we know."
She reached out her free hand and gestured for Giles to come and sit on the bed next to her and Dawn, "Come, sit, we need to talk. All three of us."
Rupert sat down gingerly next to Buffy, and blushed slightly when she took his hand. "Now, today is mom's funeral. Everyone is going to be here and out of all of our friends and family, only you," She looked pointedly at Dawn, "and Angel know that Giles and I are together."
Buffy was having a hard time speaking, she was starting to cry, "I'm not ready to say goodbye to Mom, I love her and I'm not ready. But I have to, we have to, Dawn, and Giles and me, well, it's kind of a part of that."
Dawn looked back and forth, and wiped her angry tears away with her free hand. "I don't understand, that's awful, Buffy. Mom's out of the way and you and Giles start groping?"
Rupert cleared his throat and put his hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Dawn, I think what Buffy is saying, is that, for us to say goodbye to Joyce, to really acknowledge that she was gone, forced us to acknowledge how we felt." He looked down at Buffy and as he wiped a few of her tears away, Rupert was again struck by her eyes, and he realized he needed to explain something, "The other night, after we got back to the house, I was looking at a picture of the three of you and I noticed something." Rupert paused, and took a deep breath, "I always thought your mother had blue eyes, but, Buffy, you have blue eyes."
"But you said, that I… that night you said…" Buffy looked at him, confused and hurt. Hadn't it been the shared qualities of mother and daughter that Rupert had found desirable? She didn't know what he was going to say or what he was trying to say.
"Yes, the same eyes, the same sad eyes. I was mistaken in the color, Buffy, because in my mind your mother had blue eyes, always blue eyes." Rupert's voice was getting thick with emotion, he was feeding off Buffy's grief and having trouble composing himself, "I couldn't admit it, couldn't explain to Joyce, how I really felt about you. I gave myself a more acceptable target." Buffy realized, after all this time, but he couldn't say it, not in front of Dawn. She leaned forward and silenced him with gentle kiss.
"It's okay, Giles. We'll be okay." She caressed his cheek and turned to Dawn, "Do you understand now? This goes back years, and brings up stuff neither one of us knows how to handle. We can barely explain it to each other, I don't know how we can explain it to anyone else." Buffy gave Dawn's hand another gentle squeeze, and tried to smile at her, "Dawn, you, me and Giles will always have each other. You can count on us."
"You promise?" Buffy and Rupert nodded at her, and enveloped her in an awkward hug. They all three let themselves cry, and pulled away wiping tears from clothes and faces.
Dawn looked at her sister and Giles, calmed by the loving expressions on both of their faces, she felt ashamed for her behavior that morning. "I'm really sorry about this morning, I didn't mean to upset you, I just couldn't stand not knowing…" Her voice trailed off into a large yawn that caught her by surprise.
Buffy looked at Dawn critically and smoothed her sister's hair, "Dawn, did you get any sleep?"
"Maybe an hour or two. But I'm fine, I don't need much sleep, really, and I'm hungry." She looked at her sister hopefully, but she didn't really expect any leeway, so she was surprised when Giles spoke up.
"Dawn, if you promise to at least try go to sleep, I will bring you breakfast in bed right now."
"You got a deal." Dawn rolled back onto the bed and leaned against the pillows, with an expectant look on her face, so Buffy and Rupert got up and went into the hall.
Buffy looked a little dismayed, "You're probably talking about my pancakes, huh?"
"Yes, well, I'll make you a more, if you like."
"Nah, don't worry about it. Will and Tara are going to be here soon. I'm going to shower, and then I want to talk to you some more about the attunement and other things." She gave Rupert's sleeve a gentle tug and looked up at him. What he had told her that morning, not thirty minutes ago, weighed on her mind. The questions she had could probably not be answered today, but she wanted to reassure Rupert that they were on the same page. Buffy leaned against his chest, and thanked whatever it was that brought this man who was helping her bear the sadness, "Did you mean what you said? About substituting Mom for me?"
Rupert immediately put his hands in his pockets, and coughed, "Buffy, I'm sorry about what I said in there, it was inappropriate, in front of Dawn…"
"Don't be sorry. We're both a couple of seriously damaged people. We needed to admit how complicated it is." Buffy gave a deep sigh; "I think everyone else is going to need to hear it, too."
"I think you deserve a better explanation than the one I've given you. "
"Giles…"
"No, Buffy, everything I've said has been muddled. I'm not sure that I've managed to communicate what I feel… I do love you."
"Giles… Rupert. If you love me, that's all I need to know." She smiled at him, with red-rimmed eyes, and rather than wait for him to say something, she looked up, kissed him quickly, and walked toward the bathroom. "Now, I'm going to take a shower, and you better bring Dawn her breakfast before she starts yelling."
Before Buffy shut the door to the bathroom, she poked her head out and said, "Don't worry, I'll be out in a minute."
Rupert smiled and pulled his hands out of his pockets, looked around the empty hall and mumbled to himself, "Yes, right." He still felt muddled and unsure as he carried the breakfast tray into Dawn, only to find that she had fallen fast asleep.
-------------
The funeral wasn't until very late in the day, but Angel was surprised at how silent the house was above him. It couldn't have been too much past ten, but there should have been the sounds of people moving. Someone was showering. He could hear the water flowing through the pipes.
The Summers' basement wasn't set up as a guest room; it was unfinished, with exposed pipes and conduit. Unpacked boxes were piled awkwardly up against the basement walls. Angel had managed to scrounge some blankets and a sleeping bag on which to lie. He thought that was funny, he had never known the Summers girls to go camping. Nevertheless, maybe they used to.
They had a life before Sunnydale, he reminded himself, a life without slaying or demons or death. Or you, he thought. He had liked Joyce because she had loved Buffy, and had only wanted the best for her, just like him. Even when she told him that he should leave, it was for Buffy. More selfless and honest than he had ever been, Joyce was a constant reminder of the real world in which Buffy lived. That was why she persisted as the Slayer. Her mom, her family, her friends, they were real to Buffy, and he was separate, a part of the slaying. It was like that "Seinfeld" episode, where George Costanza can't let his "worlds" mix, if they did the George they all know would cease to exist. It was like the plumbing and electrical conduit that ran all around him in this basement, it existed in every home, and yet the two could never meet without terrible destruction being released.
What were the consequences of her Watcher crossing over from the slaying world to the real world? There had to be consequences for the Watcher, there were consequences when he tried to cross over, so, what made Giles special? Angel closed his eyes in frustration and tried to sleep, the sound of running water reminding him of places far away.
------------
Buffy let the shower run for a long time before she actually stepped into it. She stared at herself in the mirror, somewhat removed from the process of undressing, she had studied the features of her face, the fair scars that covered her body. She spent a lot of time looking into her own eyes, enacting a sort of self-hypnosis, until all she saw was the black of her own pupils and everything else was a swirling transparency.
Once the mirror fogged over, and her image was a disguised as a soft smudge, Buffy came back to her senses. The air was humid enough to stick to her skin, and Buffy felt her hair starting to get wavy in defiance of the styling products that weighed it down. Dawn had straight hair, but Buffy's hair was naturally as wavy like her mom's was. She pulled a towel out of the linen cupboard and put it on a hook next to the shower.
She sighed and stepped in, testing the water with her hand before she moved under the nozzle. The slick heat of the water loosened her up, Buffy felt the lump rise in her throat, and as one powerful sob wracked through her, she gasped for air. Her own tears were cold compared to the water and she could taste salt. She needed to move, to get ready for the funeral, but all she could do was miss her mom and cry.
Why had she slept with Giles? Wasn't Angel right to be concerned? She did love him, she did find him desirable, but it was just complicating everything. Dawn was right, now that her mom was dead, Buffy and Giles didn't really have anyone to explain themselves to. She didn't want to feel guilty, but that's how she felt, and why did she feel so selfish? She wanted her mom back to lift this guilt, to tell her it would be okay. That everything would be okay. I just want my mom back. I just want her back
Buffy didn't hear the door open, but she felt the cool air from the hall wafting up through the steam, so she opened her eyes and moved out from under the spray, ready to call out when she heard Rupert speak.
"Buffy, do you need anything?" His voice was shaky and urgent, and it traveled to Buffy strangely, echoing off the walls of the hall and back into the bathroom.
"Giles?" She looked around the shower curtain, already knowing that Rupert stood there, she coughed out his name again, "Giles…"
Their eyes met and without hesitation, Rupert entered and crossed to her, touching her face desperately, wiping tears and water from her face, as the spray from the shower mixed with his own tears and got his clothes wet.
"I'm sorry," he whispered and held her tighter, "I never meant to make you feel like this." He had known how she was feeling and come to her. The guilt was overwhelming. She had debilitated Giles and had no privacy. She couldn't look at him, but couldn't pull away.
Another hard sob hit Buffy, Rupert pulled her dripping and naked body to him, lowering their bodies to the bathroom floor, wishing that he could stop this pain. Buffy lay rigid and shaking in his arms, she made horrible choking sounds refusing to let her tears become vocal, no matter how much she wanted to scream.
Rupert could see that this was only going to get worse, even if he couldn't exactly see how. "Girls, please stop this…Buffy!"
Buffy froze, and Dawn, reacting to her sister's lack of pursuit remained standing on Joyce's bed.
"Buffy, put this on," Rupert was angry, "Dawn, sit down." He handed Buffy her robe, and sat her down at Joyce's vanity table, with her back to Dawn.
"Dawn, obviously, this is not the way we hoped that you would find out about... this." Rupert paused, which gave Dawn just enough leeway to rattle off a string of questions, "How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? When are you going to tell everyone else? Why-"
"Dawn! Be Quiet!" Buffy had turned around and was shooting daggers at her sister.
"Both of you be quiet and remain quiet until I'm finished speaking." Rupert gave the girls withering looks, and he knew that he was guaranteed silence. "Dawn, Buffy and I are still trying to figure out the terms of our relationship."
Dawn raised an eyebrow and Rupert coughed, "Buffy and I haven't had a chance to discuss any kind of announcement; there is too much else going on. Today is certainly out of the question, there is too much going on and with your father's arrival…"
Dawn crossed her arms and pursed her lips, "He's not coming."
Giles sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Dawn, please, I asked you not to interrupt…"
Buffy jumped out of the chair and walked over to Dawn, "What do you mean he's not coming?"
"He called while you were out last night, " She threw Rupert a dirty look, "And said that he couldn't make it. Business, his new wife, or something. He's not coming, Buffy. He's sending flowers instead."
"Dawn, when were you going to tell me?" Buffy's eyes were getting glassy, and her mouth was starting to drop. She sat down next to Dawn, and took her sister's hand.
Dawn squirmed, "I was going to tell you, I swear! I was just trying to think of a good way to say it." As she saw the reaction on her sister's face, Dawn realized that Angel had been right. Buffy was taking it really hard. "I'm sorry, Buffy."
"It's okay, I mean, same situation here." The girls smiled half-heartedly at one another, "I should have told you sooner, Dawn, and we could have avoided this…" Buffy sighed and squeezed Dawn's hand, "He's only sending flowers instead. Is he retarded?"
Dawn giggled through her tears.
Buffy looked up at Rupert, and saw that his lips were pursed together. That usually meant that he was angry.
"Giles, what's wrong?" Buffy searched his face for some sign of what he could be so angry about.
"It's nothing, Buffy, I think I'm finally starting to figure it out."
"What?" Buffy squeezed Dawn's hand tighter and shifted closer to her sister.
"That your father is an ass."
Dawn just sat staring at Rupert in shock, but Buffy smiled, rolled her eyes and said, "Giles, we know."
She reached out her free hand and gestured for Giles to come and sit on the bed next to her and Dawn, "Come, sit, we need to talk. All three of us."
Rupert sat down gingerly next to Buffy, and blushed slightly when she took his hand. "Now, today is mom's funeral. Everyone is going to be here and out of all of our friends and family, only you," She looked pointedly at Dawn, "and Angel know that Giles and I are together."
Buffy was having a hard time speaking, she was starting to cry, "I'm not ready to say goodbye to Mom, I love her and I'm not ready. But I have to, we have to, Dawn, and Giles and me, well, it's kind of a part of that."
Dawn looked back and forth, and wiped her angry tears away with her free hand. "I don't understand, that's awful, Buffy. Mom's out of the way and you and Giles start groping?"
Rupert cleared his throat and put his hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Dawn, I think what Buffy is saying, is that, for us to say goodbye to Joyce, to really acknowledge that she was gone, forced us to acknowledge how we felt." He looked down at Buffy and as he wiped a few of her tears away, Rupert was again struck by her eyes, and he realized he needed to explain something, "The other night, after we got back to the house, I was looking at a picture of the three of you and I noticed something." Rupert paused, and took a deep breath, "I always thought your mother had blue eyes, but, Buffy, you have blue eyes."
"But you said, that I… that night you said…" Buffy looked at him, confused and hurt. Hadn't it been the shared qualities of mother and daughter that Rupert had found desirable? She didn't know what he was going to say or what he was trying to say.
"Yes, the same eyes, the same sad eyes. I was mistaken in the color, Buffy, because in my mind your mother had blue eyes, always blue eyes." Rupert's voice was getting thick with emotion, he was feeding off Buffy's grief and having trouble composing himself, "I couldn't admit it, couldn't explain to Joyce, how I really felt about you. I gave myself a more acceptable target." Buffy realized, after all this time, but he couldn't say it, not in front of Dawn. She leaned forward and silenced him with gentle kiss.
"It's okay, Giles. We'll be okay." She caressed his cheek and turned to Dawn, "Do you understand now? This goes back years, and brings up stuff neither one of us knows how to handle. We can barely explain it to each other, I don't know how we can explain it to anyone else." Buffy gave Dawn's hand another gentle squeeze, and tried to smile at her, "Dawn, you, me and Giles will always have each other. You can count on us."
"You promise?" Buffy and Rupert nodded at her, and enveloped her in an awkward hug. They all three let themselves cry, and pulled away wiping tears from clothes and faces.
Dawn looked at her sister and Giles, calmed by the loving expressions on both of their faces, she felt ashamed for her behavior that morning. "I'm really sorry about this morning, I didn't mean to upset you, I just couldn't stand not knowing…" Her voice trailed off into a large yawn that caught her by surprise.
Buffy looked at Dawn critically and smoothed her sister's hair, "Dawn, did you get any sleep?"
"Maybe an hour or two. But I'm fine, I don't need much sleep, really, and I'm hungry." She looked at her sister hopefully, but she didn't really expect any leeway, so she was surprised when Giles spoke up.
"Dawn, if you promise to at least try go to sleep, I will bring you breakfast in bed right now."
"You got a deal." Dawn rolled back onto the bed and leaned against the pillows, with an expectant look on her face, so Buffy and Rupert got up and went into the hall.
Buffy looked a little dismayed, "You're probably talking about my pancakes, huh?"
"Yes, well, I'll make you a more, if you like."
"Nah, don't worry about it. Will and Tara are going to be here soon. I'm going to shower, and then I want to talk to you some more about the attunement and other things." She gave Rupert's sleeve a gentle tug and looked up at him. What he had told her that morning, not thirty minutes ago, weighed on her mind. The questions she had could probably not be answered today, but she wanted to reassure Rupert that they were on the same page. Buffy leaned against his chest, and thanked whatever it was that brought this man who was helping her bear the sadness, "Did you mean what you said? About substituting Mom for me?"
Rupert immediately put his hands in his pockets, and coughed, "Buffy, I'm sorry about what I said in there, it was inappropriate, in front of Dawn…"
"Don't be sorry. We're both a couple of seriously damaged people. We needed to admit how complicated it is." Buffy gave a deep sigh; "I think everyone else is going to need to hear it, too."
"I think you deserve a better explanation than the one I've given you. "
"Giles…"
"No, Buffy, everything I've said has been muddled. I'm not sure that I've managed to communicate what I feel… I do love you."
"Giles… Rupert. If you love me, that's all I need to know." She smiled at him, with red-rimmed eyes, and rather than wait for him to say something, she looked up, kissed him quickly, and walked toward the bathroom. "Now, I'm going to take a shower, and you better bring Dawn her breakfast before she starts yelling."
Before Buffy shut the door to the bathroom, she poked her head out and said, "Don't worry, I'll be out in a minute."
Rupert smiled and pulled his hands out of his pockets, looked around the empty hall and mumbled to himself, "Yes, right." He still felt muddled and unsure as he carried the breakfast tray into Dawn, only to find that she had fallen fast asleep.
-------------
The funeral wasn't until very late in the day, but Angel was surprised at how silent the house was above him. It couldn't have been too much past ten, but there should have been the sounds of people moving. Someone was showering. He could hear the water flowing through the pipes.
The Summers' basement wasn't set up as a guest room; it was unfinished, with exposed pipes and conduit. Unpacked boxes were piled awkwardly up against the basement walls. Angel had managed to scrounge some blankets and a sleeping bag on which to lie. He thought that was funny, he had never known the Summers girls to go camping. Nevertheless, maybe they used to.
They had a life before Sunnydale, he reminded himself, a life without slaying or demons or death. Or you, he thought. He had liked Joyce because she had loved Buffy, and had only wanted the best for her, just like him. Even when she told him that he should leave, it was for Buffy. More selfless and honest than he had ever been, Joyce was a constant reminder of the real world in which Buffy lived. That was why she persisted as the Slayer. Her mom, her family, her friends, they were real to Buffy, and he was separate, a part of the slaying. It was like that "Seinfeld" episode, where George Costanza can't let his "worlds" mix, if they did the George they all know would cease to exist. It was like the plumbing and electrical conduit that ran all around him in this basement, it existed in every home, and yet the two could never meet without terrible destruction being released.
What were the consequences of her Watcher crossing over from the slaying world to the real world? There had to be consequences for the Watcher, there were consequences when he tried to cross over, so, what made Giles special? Angel closed his eyes in frustration and tried to sleep, the sound of running water reminding him of places far away.
------------
Buffy let the shower run for a long time before she actually stepped into it. She stared at herself in the mirror, somewhat removed from the process of undressing, she had studied the features of her face, the fair scars that covered her body. She spent a lot of time looking into her own eyes, enacting a sort of self-hypnosis, until all she saw was the black of her own pupils and everything else was a swirling transparency.
Once the mirror fogged over, and her image was a disguised as a soft smudge, Buffy came back to her senses. The air was humid enough to stick to her skin, and Buffy felt her hair starting to get wavy in defiance of the styling products that weighed it down. Dawn had straight hair, but Buffy's hair was naturally as wavy like her mom's was. She pulled a towel out of the linen cupboard and put it on a hook next to the shower.
She sighed and stepped in, testing the water with her hand before she moved under the nozzle. The slick heat of the water loosened her up, Buffy felt the lump rise in her throat, and as one powerful sob wracked through her, she gasped for air. Her own tears were cold compared to the water and she could taste salt. She needed to move, to get ready for the funeral, but all she could do was miss her mom and cry.
Why had she slept with Giles? Wasn't Angel right to be concerned? She did love him, she did find him desirable, but it was just complicating everything. Dawn was right, now that her mom was dead, Buffy and Giles didn't really have anyone to explain themselves to. She didn't want to feel guilty, but that's how she felt, and why did she feel so selfish? She wanted her mom back to lift this guilt, to tell her it would be okay. That everything would be okay. I just want my mom back. I just want her back
Buffy didn't hear the door open, but she felt the cool air from the hall wafting up through the steam, so she opened her eyes and moved out from under the spray, ready to call out when she heard Rupert speak.
"Buffy, do you need anything?" His voice was shaky and urgent, and it traveled to Buffy strangely, echoing off the walls of the hall and back into the bathroom.
"Giles?" She looked around the shower curtain, already knowing that Rupert stood there, she coughed out his name again, "Giles…"
Their eyes met and without hesitation, Rupert entered and crossed to her, touching her face desperately, wiping tears and water from her face, as the spray from the shower mixed with his own tears and got his clothes wet.
"I'm sorry," he whispered and held her tighter, "I never meant to make you feel like this." He had known how she was feeling and come to her. The guilt was overwhelming. She had debilitated Giles and had no privacy. She couldn't look at him, but couldn't pull away.
Another hard sob hit Buffy, Rupert pulled her dripping and naked body to him, lowering their bodies to the bathroom floor, wishing that he could stop this pain. Buffy lay rigid and shaking in his arms, she made horrible choking sounds refusing to let her tears become vocal, no matter how much she wanted to scream.