Sorry for the delay, but as you will see, this is a very long chapter. I
hope you'll enjoy it.
Thanks again to all of you who have reviewed. I really appreciate that you take the time to read my story, and that you are kind enough to leave a little comment. From my heart, thank you.
CHAPTER 26
CONFESSIONS
He forced a smile and turned around, the fish still wiggling helplessly in his hand. Arwen was seated on a rock, an indecipherable expression engraved in her face. It was like a frown, mixed with a smile, and a little bit of shock showing in her eyes. He stared at her for a few moments before breaking the ice.
"See, I told you I could catch fish with that thing" - he said while showing her the colorful catch, a fake smile still plastered in his face.
She blinked rapidly a couple of times, unable to believe what she was hearing. How could he talk about fish after what had happened? Well, after what almost happened. She evaluated the situation for a few minutes before even reacting to his stupid affirmation.
"Is it that stupid after all?" - she thought to herself. She didn't want to talk about the whole thing anyway; it would've been too awkward.
At last, she understood that Legolas was only trying to save them both from the awkward conversation, and she decided to play along with him and ignore the situation. She looked at him, shrugged imperceptibly and, standing up, she walked towards where he was. Legolas froze as she approached him, not knowing what was she up to; but when she came to his side, she only examined the fish closely and told him:
"Oh, so you were right eh? Why don't you cook it for dinner, I kind of like fish." - and with that she turned around and walked away.
Legolas let out a long held breath and looked at the agonizing fish. - "You saved my life little mate, but I'm going to have to cook you anyway, sorry." - He gave a quick glance towards Arwen, who was busy tearing berries from the bushes, and immediately eating whatever she harvested. Legolas looked at her worried - "If you keep eating like that you are going to get sick" - he shouted, sounding half joking, half concerned.
She glared back at him and resumed munching the sweet fruit.
...............................
The sun was already low on the horizon when Legolas lit up a small fire among some rocks. The crackling sound of the flames devouring the crispy, fragrant wood attracted Arwen, who came and sat close, looking thoughtfully at the reddish flames.
Legolas made himself busy cleaning up the fish and inserting it in a stick, before placing it over the fire. Arwen was silent, as was him; none of them had the courage to utter word.
Legolas noted that darkness was near, and that soon it would be nighttime. He remembered the torture he had to endure the previous night and shuddered at the prospect of going through the same thing again, especially after the afternoon's events.
"Oh no! No more cuddling together" - He told himself - "I wont be able to endure that again"
He left the fish high enough over the fire to cook slowly and walked to some near bushes, every one of his movements closely followed by Arwen's gaze. Once there, he ripped off some branches and brought them close to the fire; then, he proceeded to intertwine the branches tightly together around a tree.
Arwen looked at him puzzled, wondering about his diligence; but soon enough, her puzzlement became something else, as she watched the alluring movement of his well-defined muscles under his smooth skin; they seemed to have a mind of their own as he effortlessly bended the branches. What was he building? She didn't know, it stopped being important to her at some point. All that mattered was the amazing way in which those muscles tensed and relaxed under the tight, silky skin of his back and the mystic tattoos that covered his arms. She wondered how it would be like to put her hand over them as they moved, to trace them with the tip of her fingers; they looked so strong, and yet elegant, like those of a feline.
She shook her head, trying to snap out of her enthrallment, but to her secret amusement, she couldn't tear her eyes off of him; she didn't even notice when he turned her head to look at her.
"What?" - he asked upon seeing the strange way in which she was looking at him. She almost jumped off the rock, startled by his sudden question. Blushing furiously, she tried to come up with something sensible to say.
"Ah, I was...
ehmmm,
I was, ah....
wondering.... what you are doing, Yes! I was wondering about what you were doing. What are you doing?" - she managed to blurt out, not at all happy about the lightning speed in which she had said it.
"Oh! I am building a place for you too sleep tonight, see" - he said while revealing something that resembled a small refuge, completely made out of branches joined tightly together. - "The branches are tight enough to protect you from the cold, and we can put some soft foliage inside so you'll be comfortable."
He showed her the entrance to the small place, which was big enough only to fit one person ( he'd made sure of that as a measure of precaution, to avoid the whole "cuddling" situation ). - "Do you like it?"
"Yes, you are very considered, thank you."
Legolas lifted up the fish from the fire - "it's ready" - then he skillfully fleshed it and laid half of the white meat over a large leaf, which he immediately offered to her; and kept the rest for himself.
"Eat it now that it is hot, it tastes better that way."
"Smells nice" - She said before eating a small bite.
"Wow! It tastes great"
"Nah, you just missed the protein. It's not that good."
"What? I tell you Legolas, I've never had fish as good as this."
"Come on!"
"Really! I swear. You are good at al this survival thing."
"Well, I manage."
"You manage!! Look at that thing you made out of branches, I've never seen anything like that."
"I learned to do that during a particularly cold hailstorm, during the war; it saved many soldiers. The Harbektuh tribe taught us how to do it and many rangers survived thanks to it."
"Harbektuh? Are they southern men?"
"Yes, the strongest, most sturdy people I've ever met."
"You shared much with them."
"And they shared much with me, they taught me many things and embraced me as a brother."
"The tattoos, is it a part of their traditions?"
"It is a symbol of bravery" - he said while fingering the symbols on his arms absently - "They believe that these symbols protect warriors during battles. I decided to embrace some of their traditions, in order to win their acceptance. You must think it is hideous."
No! No, it is different, and very....interesting." - She said, trying to hold back the warm blush taking over her face - "Besides, it goes along nicely with all that muscle you sport now."
"How did it happen? The muscle I mean, I've never seen an elf with such a body."
He lowered his head, as if embarrassed by his appearance - "Well, there were several things that lead to this...change; first it was the armor, which was so darn heavy; then there was the authority issue."
"Authority issue?"
"Yes. You see, when you are in war like that, in such a place, and you look like a boy, it is hard to get respect; especially from the southern people, cause physical strength is very important to them; and they associate the size of your body with it. I had to get their respect somehow and I once saw the way they trained their bodies; it was brutal, and dangerous, but very effective; so I decided to train the same way."
"At first it was almost impossible for me to do the things they did, every movement hurt terribly, and they mocked me; but then, my body got used to it, and soon enough I was as strong as the biggest of them. Then, I guess Sauron's influence had something to do with it, cause it became almost an obsession. I wanted to be stronger and stronger, and whatever they did, I did twice as hard and twice as heavy, pushing myself to limits I never before reached; always trying to reach further until I had no match and the respect they began to feel became fear. The thing is, that I never stopped, and before I knew, my body had changed into what it is now. And, I guess you probably don't like it, since I look so..different "
"Well...., actually I cannot say that I dislike it; it's different, but not at all unpleasant. It's just that you look.... I don't know; just different, "
"Dangerous" - he interrupted - "I know, I look like trouble."
She evaluated the word - "Dangerous, yes; but absolutely appealing in a wild, feral, kind of way" - she thought, a tingling sensation taking over her stomach. Then, ominous silence took place as she hesitated to ask her next question.
"Legolas?"
"Yes"
"Do you remember the spring ball, at Rivendel?"
"How could I ever forget that night? Off course I remember."
"That night you promised that you'd be back, to continue what we started; but you never did."
"I know, I apologize."
"Why Legolas? Why didn't you come back? I was terribly disappointed... back then, I mean."
He shifted in his seat, uncomfortably - "I was afraid"
"Afraid? Of what?"
"Of my own feelings. Now I realize that was the greatest mistake I ever did, the worst decision in my life. But now it's too late."
"I don't understand."
"Before that night, I was so sure of what I wanted, I had everything planned. Because of my training, I learned not to be afraid of anything, not even silence or pain. I was taught to embrace solitude as the only way of the warrior. I knew exactly what I wanted, and was convinced to be the only master of my will."
He lifted up his face and she felt as if pierced by his gaze. - "But, after seeing you that night, something changed inside of me; I couldn't find my self inside my own mind, all my space was occupied by your presence. Days passed and I was dominated by contradiction, not knowing what to think, or how to feel. I was at war, and those feelings were affecting my performance; I almost got myself killed more than once, and I was also risking my fellow soldiers; so I forced my self to push my feelings aside, and labeled them as infatuation."
"You denied them; you denied me" - she whispered, moved by the way he was opening himself to her.
"Yes, but I quickly found out that there was more than simple infatuation."
"Then, why didn't you tell me something? You could have send a message or anything."
"Like I said before, I was afraid. I had nothing to offer you, my country was weakened and at war; my life wasn't worth more than that of a simple soldier. I found myself unworthy of you."
She shook her head slowly, bewildered by what she was hearing. - "I have never cared for those things."
"I know, I know! It sounds stupid, but that is what I felt back then. I wanted to rebuild my country, to go to you and to your father with a prosperous background."
"Legolas..."
"I just wanted to be able to offer you the best, I couldn't even think about going to you with less than that. So I struggled, for years that became centuries, until I got what I wanted,; my country was finally safe, strong and prosperous, so I finally decided it was time to tell you about my feelings."
"When?"
"Midsummer's eve 2952, I packed all my dreams and illusions and went to Rivendel to declare to you my affection."
Realization settled in Arwen's mind. - "I was at Lothlórien at the time." - Her voice was a mere whisper.
"Yes, I eventually found out. But I never got as far as Rivendel, I found the Twins hunting near the misty mountains."
"They told you." - a single tear streamed down her cheek.
"They told me that you were at Lothlórien, spending time with Lady Galadriel. I thought that it was fine, and that I could go and ask permission to Lord Elrond to court you before telling you. I wanted to be formal, I wanted you and your father to know that I wasn't playing games, and that I had real interest in you; But.."
"My brothers knew, they told you." - she said, her voice almost braking into sobs.
"I remember the ironic tone they used to tell me that their little sister had finally found love, in the arms of a mortal man."
"I am so sorry, Legolas.."
"They told me that you were willing to give up your immortality, and to renounce to your people, for him."
"Loyal to my training and to my pride, I swallowed all my sorrow and disappointment, they never knew about my feelings. I said goodbye to them and went back to Lasgalen to grief alone, for the loss of my love and the mate I never had."
"I thought you were just mad because I chose a mortal life."
"And I fooled my self to believe that too. For my sake and sanity, I forced myself into denial again; I convinced my silly mind that it was just a phase, that it was just temporary infatuation, and that I would eventually forget about you; that's why I avoided visiting, cause I was trying to get over you. But years passed, and even though they were locked in the deepest of my soul, even though I ignored them and denied them, those feelings remained, and in time they resurfaced again."
"When Legolas? When did you realize that..., that....."
"That I loved you? That I helplessly loved you, and that I would never be happy in my life?"
"Yes" - she breathed softly.
"Does it matter when? Does it matter how?"
"I would like to know, if you'd tell me."
He looked away, and gazed up to the starry night, overwhelmed by memories.
"You don't have to tell me, I understand."
"It was on the day Mordor came down, the day Frodo destroyed the ring. The reddened horizon at mount doom announced the victory of the free people of Middle Earth; and at Palennor's field, with fists raised high to the sky, we raised a cry, for freedom and peace had finally arrived. But when all theses burdens were lifted up of my shoulders, the first person that came into my mind was you; at that moment, you occupied all my thoughts; and all my wishes, hopes and desires turned to you. But as soon as they bloomed, the feelings were shot down and beheaded by a smile."
"What do you mean?"
"There he was, King Elessar; radiant in his victory. I had learned to love him like my own brother during the ring quest, but when I saw the sincere, blissful smile that graced his fair face I knew that it wasn't because of the victory, or the restoration of his kingdom, no; when I looked in his eyes I saw you, he was happy because he could finally marry you, he had earned the right to be your husband. And at that moment I understood that I would certainly loose you, that you would never know about my feelings, and that you would eventually die."
"I physically felt as my heart shattered and broke into little pieces, and I stood silent in the middle of the field, looking at my own bloodied hands while my feelings shifted like dessert sands. What was I to do? I couldn't hate him, much less hate you; everything became confusing and the only thing I had for sure was the fact that I loved you, but I could never have you. So, I decided to sail away, to escape to the west, with the excuse of the yearning of the ocean; I was going to do it, as soon as you got married, since neither of you would accept me to miss the wedding."
"Aragorn noted your sadness, he told me a few days before the wedding that you seemed sick or worried about something."
"I was dying Arwen, dying of grief; and I couldn't wait to get away from the torment that was seeing you with him."
"But you didn't leave. Why?"
"It happened on the wedding day. I remember that on that morning I was having one of those nightmares that haunted me so often when I woke to the sound of bells and trumpets; the morning sun streamed into my chamber in Minas Tirith and I knew that the moment had arrived, all the people was being summoned for the ceremony, and that included me. I dressed up slowly and praying for fortitude, I made my way towards the hall."
"I remember the faces I saw on the way, everyone was so radiant and happy, and I just wanted to kill myself, but all that changed the very moment I entered the hall and saw you; you were a vision, absolutely perfect in your wedding gown; but it wasn't your beauty what made me change, it was the smile on your face, the radiance of your happiness. I saw how happy you were and I forced myself to feel happy for you."
"But then, why didn't you leave? Did you deny your feelings again?"
"No, I just concealed them. The reason I stayed was because I knew that your happiness would be marred as soon as all our people sailed away, so I promised myself to stay with you until the end of your days, giving you the light of our people."
"That's why you came to live at Ithilien, to bring me joy? To protect me from my own decision?"
"Yes. But then my life devalued day-by-day, as friends and loved ones sailed away, I was left alone to fight my own feelings. After all our people was gone, I refuge myself in war and battles, but I somehow survived and honored my promise, that's why I am still here."
He looked at the diminishing flames of the fire - "Please don't ask more from me Arwen, I do not have strength left to answer you. It only stirs things I thought only to sleep inside of me."
She still had many questions unanswered, but she didn't wish to know more - "I will not, your confessions only bring me great sorrow. I only want to say that I never meant things to be like they are, I never intended to hurt you; and my heart grieves for all the pain I've caused you."
"I have never blamed you Arwen, I brought all this upon myself, and I am the only one I hold responsible for it. Now let us rest, tomorrow we will depart towards Gondor, it is a long way and I have one promise yet to honor." - He stood up and made his way to the woodpile he had gathered.
She stood up and silently motioned towards the refuge he had built. She entered the shelter, which was covered with soft, fragrant foliage, and laid down, curling like a little girl. She could hear him outside putting more wood to the fire, with hot tears running down her cheeks she whispered - "goodnight Legolas" - almost inaudibly. But as she muffled a sob against the palm of her hand, she could swear she heard a faint voice outside.
"Goodnight Arwen."
........................
Too long? Too boring?
I promise that from next chapter and on, things will become more interesting and exciting. They will hit the road again and will find many surprises.
I know that not much has happened lately, but I feel that I was important to let Arwen know about all the things Legolas has gone through, and the real nature of his feelings. I also wanted to develop their relationship slowly. After all, many things are still unsolved, but next chapter will pick up the rhythm again and many things that seemed to be left hanging on the air will resolve.
Peace.
Elwe.
Thanks again to all of you who have reviewed. I really appreciate that you take the time to read my story, and that you are kind enough to leave a little comment. From my heart, thank you.
CHAPTER 26
CONFESSIONS
He forced a smile and turned around, the fish still wiggling helplessly in his hand. Arwen was seated on a rock, an indecipherable expression engraved in her face. It was like a frown, mixed with a smile, and a little bit of shock showing in her eyes. He stared at her for a few moments before breaking the ice.
"See, I told you I could catch fish with that thing" - he said while showing her the colorful catch, a fake smile still plastered in his face.
She blinked rapidly a couple of times, unable to believe what she was hearing. How could he talk about fish after what had happened? Well, after what almost happened. She evaluated the situation for a few minutes before even reacting to his stupid affirmation.
"Is it that stupid after all?" - she thought to herself. She didn't want to talk about the whole thing anyway; it would've been too awkward.
At last, she understood that Legolas was only trying to save them both from the awkward conversation, and she decided to play along with him and ignore the situation. She looked at him, shrugged imperceptibly and, standing up, she walked towards where he was. Legolas froze as she approached him, not knowing what was she up to; but when she came to his side, she only examined the fish closely and told him:
"Oh, so you were right eh? Why don't you cook it for dinner, I kind of like fish." - and with that she turned around and walked away.
Legolas let out a long held breath and looked at the agonizing fish. - "You saved my life little mate, but I'm going to have to cook you anyway, sorry." - He gave a quick glance towards Arwen, who was busy tearing berries from the bushes, and immediately eating whatever she harvested. Legolas looked at her worried - "If you keep eating like that you are going to get sick" - he shouted, sounding half joking, half concerned.
She glared back at him and resumed munching the sweet fruit.
...............................
The sun was already low on the horizon when Legolas lit up a small fire among some rocks. The crackling sound of the flames devouring the crispy, fragrant wood attracted Arwen, who came and sat close, looking thoughtfully at the reddish flames.
Legolas made himself busy cleaning up the fish and inserting it in a stick, before placing it over the fire. Arwen was silent, as was him; none of them had the courage to utter word.
Legolas noted that darkness was near, and that soon it would be nighttime. He remembered the torture he had to endure the previous night and shuddered at the prospect of going through the same thing again, especially after the afternoon's events.
"Oh no! No more cuddling together" - He told himself - "I wont be able to endure that again"
He left the fish high enough over the fire to cook slowly and walked to some near bushes, every one of his movements closely followed by Arwen's gaze. Once there, he ripped off some branches and brought them close to the fire; then, he proceeded to intertwine the branches tightly together around a tree.
Arwen looked at him puzzled, wondering about his diligence; but soon enough, her puzzlement became something else, as she watched the alluring movement of his well-defined muscles under his smooth skin; they seemed to have a mind of their own as he effortlessly bended the branches. What was he building? She didn't know, it stopped being important to her at some point. All that mattered was the amazing way in which those muscles tensed and relaxed under the tight, silky skin of his back and the mystic tattoos that covered his arms. She wondered how it would be like to put her hand over them as they moved, to trace them with the tip of her fingers; they looked so strong, and yet elegant, like those of a feline.
She shook her head, trying to snap out of her enthrallment, but to her secret amusement, she couldn't tear her eyes off of him; she didn't even notice when he turned her head to look at her.
"What?" - he asked upon seeing the strange way in which she was looking at him. She almost jumped off the rock, startled by his sudden question. Blushing furiously, she tried to come up with something sensible to say.
"Ah, I was...
ehmmm,
I was, ah....
wondering.... what you are doing, Yes! I was wondering about what you were doing. What are you doing?" - she managed to blurt out, not at all happy about the lightning speed in which she had said it.
"Oh! I am building a place for you too sleep tonight, see" - he said while revealing something that resembled a small refuge, completely made out of branches joined tightly together. - "The branches are tight enough to protect you from the cold, and we can put some soft foliage inside so you'll be comfortable."
He showed her the entrance to the small place, which was big enough only to fit one person ( he'd made sure of that as a measure of precaution, to avoid the whole "cuddling" situation ). - "Do you like it?"
"Yes, you are very considered, thank you."
Legolas lifted up the fish from the fire - "it's ready" - then he skillfully fleshed it and laid half of the white meat over a large leaf, which he immediately offered to her; and kept the rest for himself.
"Eat it now that it is hot, it tastes better that way."
"Smells nice" - She said before eating a small bite.
"Wow! It tastes great"
"Nah, you just missed the protein. It's not that good."
"What? I tell you Legolas, I've never had fish as good as this."
"Come on!"
"Really! I swear. You are good at al this survival thing."
"Well, I manage."
"You manage!! Look at that thing you made out of branches, I've never seen anything like that."
"I learned to do that during a particularly cold hailstorm, during the war; it saved many soldiers. The Harbektuh tribe taught us how to do it and many rangers survived thanks to it."
"Harbektuh? Are they southern men?"
"Yes, the strongest, most sturdy people I've ever met."
"You shared much with them."
"And they shared much with me, they taught me many things and embraced me as a brother."
"The tattoos, is it a part of their traditions?"
"It is a symbol of bravery" - he said while fingering the symbols on his arms absently - "They believe that these symbols protect warriors during battles. I decided to embrace some of their traditions, in order to win their acceptance. You must think it is hideous."
No! No, it is different, and very....interesting." - She said, trying to hold back the warm blush taking over her face - "Besides, it goes along nicely with all that muscle you sport now."
"How did it happen? The muscle I mean, I've never seen an elf with such a body."
He lowered his head, as if embarrassed by his appearance - "Well, there were several things that lead to this...change; first it was the armor, which was so darn heavy; then there was the authority issue."
"Authority issue?"
"Yes. You see, when you are in war like that, in such a place, and you look like a boy, it is hard to get respect; especially from the southern people, cause physical strength is very important to them; and they associate the size of your body with it. I had to get their respect somehow and I once saw the way they trained their bodies; it was brutal, and dangerous, but very effective; so I decided to train the same way."
"At first it was almost impossible for me to do the things they did, every movement hurt terribly, and they mocked me; but then, my body got used to it, and soon enough I was as strong as the biggest of them. Then, I guess Sauron's influence had something to do with it, cause it became almost an obsession. I wanted to be stronger and stronger, and whatever they did, I did twice as hard and twice as heavy, pushing myself to limits I never before reached; always trying to reach further until I had no match and the respect they began to feel became fear. The thing is, that I never stopped, and before I knew, my body had changed into what it is now. And, I guess you probably don't like it, since I look so..different "
"Well...., actually I cannot say that I dislike it; it's different, but not at all unpleasant. It's just that you look.... I don't know; just different, "
"Dangerous" - he interrupted - "I know, I look like trouble."
She evaluated the word - "Dangerous, yes; but absolutely appealing in a wild, feral, kind of way" - she thought, a tingling sensation taking over her stomach. Then, ominous silence took place as she hesitated to ask her next question.
"Legolas?"
"Yes"
"Do you remember the spring ball, at Rivendel?"
"How could I ever forget that night? Off course I remember."
"That night you promised that you'd be back, to continue what we started; but you never did."
"I know, I apologize."
"Why Legolas? Why didn't you come back? I was terribly disappointed... back then, I mean."
He shifted in his seat, uncomfortably - "I was afraid"
"Afraid? Of what?"
"Of my own feelings. Now I realize that was the greatest mistake I ever did, the worst decision in my life. But now it's too late."
"I don't understand."
"Before that night, I was so sure of what I wanted, I had everything planned. Because of my training, I learned not to be afraid of anything, not even silence or pain. I was taught to embrace solitude as the only way of the warrior. I knew exactly what I wanted, and was convinced to be the only master of my will."
He lifted up his face and she felt as if pierced by his gaze. - "But, after seeing you that night, something changed inside of me; I couldn't find my self inside my own mind, all my space was occupied by your presence. Days passed and I was dominated by contradiction, not knowing what to think, or how to feel. I was at war, and those feelings were affecting my performance; I almost got myself killed more than once, and I was also risking my fellow soldiers; so I forced my self to push my feelings aside, and labeled them as infatuation."
"You denied them; you denied me" - she whispered, moved by the way he was opening himself to her.
"Yes, but I quickly found out that there was more than simple infatuation."
"Then, why didn't you tell me something? You could have send a message or anything."
"Like I said before, I was afraid. I had nothing to offer you, my country was weakened and at war; my life wasn't worth more than that of a simple soldier. I found myself unworthy of you."
She shook her head slowly, bewildered by what she was hearing. - "I have never cared for those things."
"I know, I know! It sounds stupid, but that is what I felt back then. I wanted to rebuild my country, to go to you and to your father with a prosperous background."
"Legolas..."
"I just wanted to be able to offer you the best, I couldn't even think about going to you with less than that. So I struggled, for years that became centuries, until I got what I wanted,; my country was finally safe, strong and prosperous, so I finally decided it was time to tell you about my feelings."
"When?"
"Midsummer's eve 2952, I packed all my dreams and illusions and went to Rivendel to declare to you my affection."
Realization settled in Arwen's mind. - "I was at Lothlórien at the time." - Her voice was a mere whisper.
"Yes, I eventually found out. But I never got as far as Rivendel, I found the Twins hunting near the misty mountains."
"They told you." - a single tear streamed down her cheek.
"They told me that you were at Lothlórien, spending time with Lady Galadriel. I thought that it was fine, and that I could go and ask permission to Lord Elrond to court you before telling you. I wanted to be formal, I wanted you and your father to know that I wasn't playing games, and that I had real interest in you; But.."
"My brothers knew, they told you." - she said, her voice almost braking into sobs.
"I remember the ironic tone they used to tell me that their little sister had finally found love, in the arms of a mortal man."
"I am so sorry, Legolas.."
"They told me that you were willing to give up your immortality, and to renounce to your people, for him."
"Loyal to my training and to my pride, I swallowed all my sorrow and disappointment, they never knew about my feelings. I said goodbye to them and went back to Lasgalen to grief alone, for the loss of my love and the mate I never had."
"I thought you were just mad because I chose a mortal life."
"And I fooled my self to believe that too. For my sake and sanity, I forced myself into denial again; I convinced my silly mind that it was just a phase, that it was just temporary infatuation, and that I would eventually forget about you; that's why I avoided visiting, cause I was trying to get over you. But years passed, and even though they were locked in the deepest of my soul, even though I ignored them and denied them, those feelings remained, and in time they resurfaced again."
"When Legolas? When did you realize that..., that....."
"That I loved you? That I helplessly loved you, and that I would never be happy in my life?"
"Yes" - she breathed softly.
"Does it matter when? Does it matter how?"
"I would like to know, if you'd tell me."
He looked away, and gazed up to the starry night, overwhelmed by memories.
"You don't have to tell me, I understand."
"It was on the day Mordor came down, the day Frodo destroyed the ring. The reddened horizon at mount doom announced the victory of the free people of Middle Earth; and at Palennor's field, with fists raised high to the sky, we raised a cry, for freedom and peace had finally arrived. But when all theses burdens were lifted up of my shoulders, the first person that came into my mind was you; at that moment, you occupied all my thoughts; and all my wishes, hopes and desires turned to you. But as soon as they bloomed, the feelings were shot down and beheaded by a smile."
"What do you mean?"
"There he was, King Elessar; radiant in his victory. I had learned to love him like my own brother during the ring quest, but when I saw the sincere, blissful smile that graced his fair face I knew that it wasn't because of the victory, or the restoration of his kingdom, no; when I looked in his eyes I saw you, he was happy because he could finally marry you, he had earned the right to be your husband. And at that moment I understood that I would certainly loose you, that you would never know about my feelings, and that you would eventually die."
"I physically felt as my heart shattered and broke into little pieces, and I stood silent in the middle of the field, looking at my own bloodied hands while my feelings shifted like dessert sands. What was I to do? I couldn't hate him, much less hate you; everything became confusing and the only thing I had for sure was the fact that I loved you, but I could never have you. So, I decided to sail away, to escape to the west, with the excuse of the yearning of the ocean; I was going to do it, as soon as you got married, since neither of you would accept me to miss the wedding."
"Aragorn noted your sadness, he told me a few days before the wedding that you seemed sick or worried about something."
"I was dying Arwen, dying of grief; and I couldn't wait to get away from the torment that was seeing you with him."
"But you didn't leave. Why?"
"It happened on the wedding day. I remember that on that morning I was having one of those nightmares that haunted me so often when I woke to the sound of bells and trumpets; the morning sun streamed into my chamber in Minas Tirith and I knew that the moment had arrived, all the people was being summoned for the ceremony, and that included me. I dressed up slowly and praying for fortitude, I made my way towards the hall."
"I remember the faces I saw on the way, everyone was so radiant and happy, and I just wanted to kill myself, but all that changed the very moment I entered the hall and saw you; you were a vision, absolutely perfect in your wedding gown; but it wasn't your beauty what made me change, it was the smile on your face, the radiance of your happiness. I saw how happy you were and I forced myself to feel happy for you."
"But then, why didn't you leave? Did you deny your feelings again?"
"No, I just concealed them. The reason I stayed was because I knew that your happiness would be marred as soon as all our people sailed away, so I promised myself to stay with you until the end of your days, giving you the light of our people."
"That's why you came to live at Ithilien, to bring me joy? To protect me from my own decision?"
"Yes. But then my life devalued day-by-day, as friends and loved ones sailed away, I was left alone to fight my own feelings. After all our people was gone, I refuge myself in war and battles, but I somehow survived and honored my promise, that's why I am still here."
He looked at the diminishing flames of the fire - "Please don't ask more from me Arwen, I do not have strength left to answer you. It only stirs things I thought only to sleep inside of me."
She still had many questions unanswered, but she didn't wish to know more - "I will not, your confessions only bring me great sorrow. I only want to say that I never meant things to be like they are, I never intended to hurt you; and my heart grieves for all the pain I've caused you."
"I have never blamed you Arwen, I brought all this upon myself, and I am the only one I hold responsible for it. Now let us rest, tomorrow we will depart towards Gondor, it is a long way and I have one promise yet to honor." - He stood up and made his way to the woodpile he had gathered.
She stood up and silently motioned towards the refuge he had built. She entered the shelter, which was covered with soft, fragrant foliage, and laid down, curling like a little girl. She could hear him outside putting more wood to the fire, with hot tears running down her cheeks she whispered - "goodnight Legolas" - almost inaudibly. But as she muffled a sob against the palm of her hand, she could swear she heard a faint voice outside.
"Goodnight Arwen."
........................
Too long? Too boring?
I promise that from next chapter and on, things will become more interesting and exciting. They will hit the road again and will find many surprises.
I know that not much has happened lately, but I feel that I was important to let Arwen know about all the things Legolas has gone through, and the real nature of his feelings. I also wanted to develop their relationship slowly. After all, many things are still unsolved, but next chapter will pick up the rhythm again and many things that seemed to be left hanging on the air will resolve.
Peace.
Elwe.