CHAPTER 46
THE WORDS ON THE WIND AND THE MIRROR AT CARAS GALADHON
Mandos' foretelling repeated over and over in his mind as Legolas' eyes read through the letter; and he had to struggle with all his will to keep himself standing as the implacable fate fell on his shoulders yet again.
Dear LegolasI do not expect this letter to come as a surprise to you, for you know me so deeply, and you can read my heart and mind so well that I'm sure by now you already sense what it brings about.
You probably will not be able to understand the reasons that force me to do this, and I am not surprised by that fact since I do not deserve your comprehension, or your sympathy; but I just hope that you can one day forgive me for what I am about to do.
I am leaving Minas Tirith, with the cover of darkness and before you can realize what I intend. I have already said my goodbyes to my son, and all the ones I love; all but you, for I do not have the courage to say this words to your face.
Forgive me if this is impersonal, forgive me if I can't face you one more time; but just to think about your face, just to imagine your eyes looking at mine weakens my resolution, and I cannot afford my strength to falter, not anymore.
I need you to understand that everything I said to you is true, and that I do love you. I love you Legolas, and I wish you to live your eternity in happiness, happiness I cannot give you. That is why I cannot allow you to suffer endless years because of me; I cannot allow you to share the miserable fate I sought for myself.
Even as I love you, it is also true that I cannot forget what I once shared with Aragorn, I cannot let go of him, of his memory, of the promises we shared; and to be with you for an eternity, while thinking about him and what I lost would not be fair to you, or to the immense love you offer me. I wish I could be free, I wish I could offer you my entire heart, soul and body; but I already gave away half of everything I ever was, and I cannot claim it back for it is gone forever.
I am leaving, to dwell in the solitude of Lothlorien for a time, and then I will lay myself to rest over the hill of Cerin Amoth, where I gave away half of my being, therefore to follow my husband beyond the circles of Arda. I beg you not to follow me, I beg you to be strong, to survive, and to sail away to your destiny, to the land and the people you belong and I no longer.
My beloved, cherished friend; tears haze my view as I write this final farewell to you. I just hope you can remember me without bitterness in your soul; I hope your gentle heart may hold my memory with kindness and love; and most of all, I hope you can find love in the Blessed Lands of Aman, I hope you can share that pure, endless love you hold inside of you with someone who deserves it, and someone who can love you in the same way.
Know that wherever I am to go, my heart will always remember you; I will always love you.
Arwen.
Legolas held the letter to his lips and kissed it tenderly, even as his heart shattered to worthless bits – "and I will always love thee, my dear friend.………always"
He did not shed a tear, he did not utter a word of complaint nor hurt. He understood, every one of her words, and he accepted her decision.
Slowly and silently he went back into his room, and finished dressing himself, cladding in travel clothes. Then, he walked down the corridors of the palace; his head held high, his strides confident and strong; towards the city's stables.
A soft smile graced his face; he was happy, in his own way and despite the throbbing in his heart that her absence caused; happy for he knew that she truly loved him, even though she had torn herself away from him forever; he could go on with his life knowing that she held him dear; he forced himself to believe that it was all that mattered, otherwise he would have died of grief.
He had to respect her final decision; and he promised himself to honor every one of her requests; he promised himself to stay strong for her, and to carry the memory of their both brief and lasting tragic love to the eternity of Valinor.
He summoned his closest friends to the stables; they were ready, for they already knew. Eldarion, Halbarad and Niniel, Arkahn; they all gathered in the stables to bid the dear elf one final farewell.
It was sad and heartrending for him to say goodbye to those he had loved most in his earthly time; especially hard it was to explain Niniel the reasons for his parting, but the girl was insightful, and smart; she finally understood the inevitability of her dear uncle's parting.
Many tears were shed; but none begged him to stay. It was no secret that he had no longer reasons to remain in a place he did not belong. Not even Eldarion tried to convince him; his mother had been implacable, and even if he desired to beg him to follow her, to convince her not to let herself die, he knew it was useless.
So it was that Legolas Greenleaf accepted only a horse from all the gifts that the King offered to him, and bestowing on them every blessing known to elves and men, he abandoned the city he had fought and suffered for so long.
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He rode south of Gondor, to the great Bay of Belfalas. There, he chose a warm, windy, white-sand, horseshoe shaped seashore lined with tall palm trees and surrounded by lush jungle hills. From the hills around he carefully selected the finest material, a wild type of tree which core gave a white, light, and solid as mithril wood. He respectfully asked the forest for permission to take from it, and bringing down only what was absolutely necessary, he crafted it with endless devotion; giving shape to the hull of his ship.
Months went by, and then seasons changed; and he continued to work without a rest in the construction of his ship. It was different from the ships that had sailed to Valinor at the end of the Third Age. This ship was not gray, as the ships that Cirdan the ship carpenter built, nor was it built at the Gray Havens, but it was as majestic as the old-age vessels built by the Teleri; pearly white, and shinning under the tropical sun of Belfalas. Two hefty masts crowned the concave hull, carved with shapes of leaves and nature, in the way elves ornament their makings.
Five months had passed since he arrived his chosen haven, and the ship was almost completed, anchored near the shore, gently lulled by the soft waves of the cove. Only two works were still undone; the garnish of the sails and the naming of the ship. For the sails he traveled to Ithilien, were he once dwelt, to retrieve the exquisite white fabric he had stored in his old residence, and that Cirdan had given to him as a gift at his parting to the Undying Lands with the Ring Bearers.
After so many years, the fabric was intact, unspoiled; having been threaded by his kin from the Gray Havens; and he carried it back to the bay to dress the tall masts with the valuable gift.
He decided to name the vessel before lining the sails, and so he occupied himself with the task of carving a name upon the smooth prow. In such task he was involved; carefully shaping every letter with a sharp, handheld chisel, his body hanging from an improvised contraption built in ropes and boards, to reach the outside of the prow; when a soft rumor reached his ears, and he froze to listen, the chisel held tightly in his fist.
The murmur came down from the hills around the shore; it was a soft, gentle breeze that came day by day, ever since he had arrived, and for over five months. The breeze meddled through the trees, playfully flirting with the leaves and branches. Then it came out to the shore, whistling through the palms, the zephyr carried on towards the elf, flying over the gentle waves, until it reached him and caressed his face warmly.
Legolas inhaled deeply; the same breeze had come every day for over five months now, and every day it had talked to him, always with the same words. Every day he had struggled to ignore the words in the wind, and so far he had succeeded to pay no heed to the truth the breeze brought; but not anymore, not that day. He could no longer disregard, he could no longer turn his head away.
His hand relaxed and the chisel fell to the blue water below; with agility only he possessed in Middle Earth, he propped himself up over to stand on the board, and gazed up north with thoughtful eyes.
"Something must be done…….."
He pulled up the contraption he used to hung himself overboard, revealing to the bright sun the words he had been carving so lovingly upon the fair wood: THE EVENSTAR
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Five months. Five months of being utterly alone, waiting for the release of death.
Arwen wandered through the painfully silent forest of Lorien, always waiting, always alone. All living creature abandoned the forest, and she was the only one who drew breath among the old and lonely trees. Every creature had abandoned the once beaming elvendom since the departing of the Lady Galadriel, save for the occasional nesting bird that only stayed for a month or so, and then flew away to merrier lands.
Today was no different; like every day since her arrival, she went up to the hill of Cerin Amoth, and sat under the very tree were she and Aragorn had pledged their lives to each other's so many years ago. Like every day she looked up, searching for a Niphredil in the high branches of the oldest tree in the forest, the only one left that could give such flower in a perishing land.
No luck; not even once had the tree given a flower. Strange it was, for even though the tree was old, it was still strong, and it should have bloomed with every full moon; but for her surprise and sadness, it did not; and the simple relief of the scent of long gone memories was denied to her, yet again.
Weakened and dismal, she walked away from the hill; pondering in these the last months of her life. She had been waiting for the rest of death, yes; but even if death had come more than once to flirt with her, she had recoiled every time; pushing the final step away.
She loathed herself for her cowardice, for her weakness; it had been her decision to embrace the uncertainty of death, and yet she could not let go; she could not stop thinking…….. of him.
Regret. That was what she felt heavy on her shoulders every day that went by; the hurtful, implacable thought of "what if……?"
What if?
The thought haunted her like a black bird flying dreadfully around her mind. But what was the use? Why now that it was too late? She had discarded the possibility of life, of love……..forever.
And even if she knew it was too late, even if she knew she had lost him; the memory of him came to visit her every day. She could almost taste the sweetness of his lips against hers; hear the soothe of his beautiful voice whispering into her ears; feel the smoothness of his touch; the warmth of his breath upon her skin…………..
She fought the memories; pushing aside, trying to forget, to dismiss, to bury; but it was strong inside of her, as strong as she could feel his presence in some distant shore; not yet separated by an ocean from her. And she could not let go, she could not die to him, not while he was at reach, not while she could still feel him so vividly.
She wanted to scream, to throw herself to a bottomless pit for her stupidity. She had chosen to remain true to her first promise; but now, as she was faced with the consequences of her choice; she found out to be torn; for as much as she wanted to follow Aragorn, she wanted to stay with Legolas.
She had known, she had known of the desire in her heart to be with him being as strong as her faithfulness; she had known at the moment of taking her decision to leave him behind. But she fooled herself, deeming that her mind and loyalty could overcome her heart. No.
Now she had to die, even if she did not really want to. She tried to find comfort in the possibility of death; maybe in death she could find oblivion, rest. But as days passed she realized that wherever she was to go, in life or death; she would remember the one that loved her so dearly, and she would love him just as much.
She sighed, feeling a distinctive tug to her heart she had learned to recognize. Off late, it had been haunting her as well; and even more than the memory of Legolas. It was a strong, relentless yearning to look upon the ocean, at least once, before her passing. She had never seen the ocean, though many had talked to her about it, including the heartfelt description Legolas had once given her. But now, she longed to see it, she longed to feel it.
So immersed she was, thinking about this ocean she longed for, that she failed to realize how close she was to Caras Galadhon; the great elven city of the past. She had avoided to set foot on its boundaries, fearing to find the lost memories of her kin to be too painful to bear. She stopped walking, and looked at the ruined and abandoned city were the Lady of the Wood once dwelled, her grandmother.
All the light was gone, all life, all cheer; but as she gazed upon the once majestic buildings up on the already dead trees, she felt that something still remained from old times, and was there for her as now that she needed it most; the wisdom, the ancient, incomprehensible wisdom that once found place in the city was still there; despite the decadence, it still lingered; Arwen could feel it, through every pore of her body.
She started walking again, not away, but towards the city; drawn to it by an unknown force. Everything around her became indistinct, as if she was walking on a dream plane; and she comprehended that something of unparalleled importance was about to be revealed to her. She felt carried, as if she was not walking but gliding over the mossy ground. As she went deeper into the elvendom, the hairs on the back of her neck stood upon feeling the ancientness and majesty still hanging from the structures, than mingled and fused with nature.
Finally, her unknown destiny revealed to her; and she found herself standing before Galadriel's mirror.
Water still poured from the rocks, chanting softly as it clashed against the pool below. The pouring vase was there; stained by time, but nevertheless there; taunting her to hold it, to grasp what was rightfully her inheritance; her right to know and understand beyond the way things appeared in that magic stripped world of hers.
"Would you look into the mirror?" – the words startled her, but then she realized that she had said them herself.
"What will I see?" – she asked, knowing there was none there to respond.
The answer came from the depths of her elven insight– "what truly lies inside your heart, your mind and soul. The answers for all your questions; answers only you can provide, for they are deep inside of you."
Her hand grasped the vase, and water was poured on the mirror. Her heart pounded wildly as she leaned to look, and she was suddenly overwhelmed by visions that were beyond visions, for she could see them, smell them, feel them………..live them.
She saw herself surrounded by blue, deep blue; it was everywhere, filling up all her senses, enveloping her body, washing away all of her pain. She basked in the feeling, relishing in the unknown pleasure and comfort this blue world gave her; not really knowing what it meant, or what it was. Suddenly, light came to her, and she could understand what the deep blue was; it was the ocean she longed for, and it was as wonderful as she had imagined it to be.
The sea. What a fantastic presence it was; it was alive, aware, furious and gentle at the same time; so indescribable, so……………. Immense. She wanted to be in her vision, she wanted to be a part of such immensity.
Then, as suddenly as it had come, the vision disappeared, leaving her cold and empty, standing in the loneliness of Caras Galadhon.
Loneliness?
The once deadened trees began whispering, no, gasping……….murmuring, in awe.
She lifted up her eyes, to find his figure standing before her, concealed by the shadows around. Tall, straight and honored he was, gazing upon her without a blink; she could only see the brightness of his eyes.
"Legolas!" – her lips spoke his name slowly, softly, and almost incredulously.
He came out to the light, revealing to her fully; reminding her of just how beautiful he was. He looked vital, strong, and alive; surprisingly alive.
She could not restrain herself – "Why are you here?"
"Forgive me, for I disrespected your appeal to stay away, but I could not help myself, I had to come." – he stepped forward, and she was tempted to instinctively back away, but something caught her attention powerfully. The color of his eyes, once ever changing, now steadily blue, as blue as the vision on the mirror, the same blue she had seen beneath the depths of the ocean of her dreams. She felt lost in his eyes, lost and yet found in the deep blueness; it was an exhilarating feeling, a raw emotion, a sense of…………recognition.
She almost laughed, but she was snapped out of her enthrallment by his voice, that continued explaining the reasons for his coming. She didn't care; the only important fact was that he was there.
"I came because I was called to come to you" – he continued, and she forced herself to pay attention to his words. – "I came because for over five months a wind came to me every day, and it spoke of you, of your pain, and of your need. I came because the wind told me of your confusion, of your recoiling to the final step to your passing. I came because I know that you cannot let go of this world."
His words almost made her jump in sudden startle, for the undeniable truth they held. And yet he went on speaking – "For over five months I succeeded to ignore the words of the wind, but I can no more."
Arwen took a deep breath, trying to divert her attention from the blueness of his eyes – "Why now? – She asked – "After five months, what changed that made you come?"
Arwen expected a declaration of undying love from him, of undeniable feelings, of accepting the implacable truth. But nothing of that sort came, for he answered simply – "You; you have changed."
She looked back at him with confusion – "What does that mean?"
Legolas gazed at the mirror for an instant and then back at her – "It means that you are starting to understand; to accept."
More confusion – "Accept what?"
Legolas eyes closed to answer, depriving her from the soothe of the deep blue – "Accept that……. you need me"
Her eyes opened wide upon hearing those words; but she did not looked at him with confusion, nor anger; only curiosity. – "Why do you say that?" – she asked calmly, even as she felt herself abandoned to the anxiousness to hear his answer.
He turned around, turning his broad back to her, and fingering something between his hands, something she could not quite make what it was. – "Arwen, I came to help you find your path."
"My path?"
"Yes, I came to help you overcome your fears; I came with the purpose of helping you to let go."
She bent forward, unable to believe what she was hearing – "You mean that………."
Legolas finished her sentence – "I did not come to beg you to stay; I did not come to delay your fate, but to ease it. I came to guide you through your passing, for you cannot do it alone."
Arwen felt as if stabbed by an icy blade. Her knees weakened, and she almost stumbled to the ground. Words clogged at her throat, and yet none came out of her mouth, while Legolas continued fingering whatever he held in his hands, his back turned to her.
Finally, and finding support on the mirror's edge, Arwen forced herself to speak, unsuccessfully trying to conceal the hurt in her voice – "Then you came to see me die?"
Legolas sighed – "Yes, if it is what it takes for you to have your peace."
Arwen felt her chest bursting with pain, pain she hadn't yet know in her life.
His words interrupted her thoughts – "I just came to let you know that I will be alright, I will survive; even without you. And you do not have to worry about me, your fate should not be delayed by concerns about my wellness for I will be fine, I am already fine."
Another stab to her heart. She felt a tremendous urge to slap him, to yell at him, to let him know just how much he was hurting her. Legolas continued his pitiless speech.
"But now I know that is not what makes you hesitate. It is fear, fear to the unknown, and unwillingness to let go of what you once had in this life. I came to help you pass through that path. "
Arwen felt like dying inside. Was it possible that he was so completely over her? What in the name of the Valar had happened to him? Did he not care about her anymore? Was he really able to see her die just like that?
She found herself assaulted by terrible anger, anger because he did not want what she wanted, anger because he did not feel the desperate need for him she was starting to feel. Frustration, disappointment. Because she wanted him to love her, she wanted him to beg her to stay. Why was he not reciprocating the overwhelming love she felt for him? Why didn't he love her back? Why if she loved him so much? Why? WHY??? Now that she had found what she had been looking for all her life in his eyes. Why???
It was then that she realized and was struck by the fact, that this same dreadful feeling she was experiencing right then, the same desperation, the same anger and helplessness was what Legolas had to endure all of his life because of his hopeless love for her. Irony slapped her like with merciless fist, now the tide had turned, and she found herself in his shoes. Tears started pouring out of her eyes; it was a terrible, destroying feeling. But her tears were not for her suffering, but for his; for he had to live with this same feeling for many centuries……… because of her. A stifled sob escaped her; she was not worthy of him, she did not deserve to be loved by him.
Then, as she began longing to be dead, Legolas' emotionless voice filled the air around her once more – "I can help you Arwen. I have walked that path many times in my lifespan. I have guided some of my dearest and most beloved friends through the path that leads to the uncertainty of mortal death. And I'm willing to walk that path with you, if that is what you truly want."
Her life force started abandoning her, and she contemplated the possibility of leaving the world in his company. At least he would be by her side in her last moments, at least she would be able to hold his hand and rest her head upon his warm chest until the icy fingers of death would come to claim her. It was somehow, comforting; the knowledge of having him near in such a moment.
Overborne by acceptance and resignation, she nodded, even though he could not see her; she straightened her head, and breathed in deeply, readying herself to accept the fate she had chosen for herself, as dignified as her broken heart would allow. As she was about to manifest her agreement with his offering to hold her hand through the portal of death, Legolas' soft words surrounded her once more.
"But that is not what you want" – Legolas said, now kindly, tenderly, and filled with emotion; turning around fully so she could see the tears dampening his fair face. For Arwen, those glistening tears were more precious than the costliest of jewels, even those called the Silmarils.
He bit his lower lip – "Nobody wants that" – he said, extending his hand and showing her what he had been holding in his hands. A niphredil; fresh and lush, covered in dew.
Arwen instantly stepped forward, as if trying to confirm that what she was seeing was not a vision.
"A niphredil?" – she asked – "How can this be? I've searched for one ever since I arrived, to no avail. Where did you find it? How did you……….." – she trailed off, as her eyes came to meet his deep blue ones in a gaze so charged with mutual love and hope that she almost fell back, loosing control of her senses, and reflexes.
Legolas caught her, enveloping one arm around her waist and impeding her fall. She stared at him, incapable to form a rational thought in her mind, only wishing he would hold her like that forever.
Forever?
Legolas brought the niphredil up to her face, allowing her to smell it, and to feel the silken petals against the skin of her lips. Arwen gasped with the strike of memories and emotions that came down on her. Every moment shared with Aragorn came to her mind in a single instant, and she knew not what to do about it.
Legolas gave her light. – "On the letter you left me were many words of wisdom and truth" – he told her – "and yet one of your thoughts remains obscure and blurred."
"You wrote, my precious lady, that you could not let go of Aragorn's memory, and of the things you shared. And that it was not fair for me that you would think of him while being with me"
"But know this, and understand, Lady Undomiel, that I never intended you to forget neither him or what he meant for you; for I that loved him almost as much as you did cannot forget about him likewise. I merely hoped we could cherish his memory together." – tears continued streaming down his fair face as he declared this to her, and Arwen was invaded by immense tenderness upon understanding his nobility and righteous intentions.
She looked upon the flower, suddenly finding the indication she had been looking for, and at the same time, Legolas began explaining the miracle.
"This exquisite niphredil came to me as I walked pass the hill of Cerin Amoth, from the last of trees capable of giving this flower in Middle Earth; a gentle breeze blew, and brought it gliding slowly through the air, right onto my open hand as I had stopped to see it float. This may seem foolish to you, but to me it seems like a sign; though I don't know what it means………."
"It is no foolishness" – Arwen said, taking the flower from his hand – "But it is no sign either; it is a gift of blessing bestowed upon us both by one who loved us dearly. My dear, noble Aragorn; even after his death he still worries about me……… about us. Fool was I not to understand that he never meant us to be apart; I should have known better, I who lived with him for so long, I who had seen the extend of his kindness, his benevolence, his selflessness………I should have known he was not pleased with my irrational resolution and my stubborn will to die" – a strange laughter emerged from her – "I should have know better! How could I be so blind?"
"Love makes us blind" – Legolas said, surrounding her with his other arm – "I can be witness of that"
Arwen flinched to respond – "Indeed!" – she exclaimed – "after I did everything in my power to break your heart beyond mending, here I find you, holding me yet again. Your love has proved to be much more stronger and greater than my obstinacy"
Legolas smiled kindly at her, with adoration exuding from every one of his features – "It was worth to be patient and endure, just to hold you like this"
Arwen felt her body arching with warm chills, upon hearing his words, and feeling him so close. – "Now I can see clearly" – she whispered, gazing into his eyes – "that you are the ocean I long for, and that I am meant to be a part of this deep blue I dreamed of; and that this deep blue I dreamed of is meant to be a part of me. For we are no longer two, but one…………..forever."
"Tye-mela'ne" – he whispered, finding no other words to tell her, to which she responded in the same way
"I love you too"
She brought the niphredil to her lips and closed her eyes, holding it for endless minutes, saying her last goodbyes to all doubt and regret.
Legolas released her from the embrace and stepped back, respectful of her symbolic goodbye, he allowed her to have some space. However, when she opened her eyes, she found him standing right before her, his eyes caressing her with the sweetest of gazes.
"I could feel the flower whispering to you" – he said with a soft smile – "But I could not understand the meaning of its words. Would it be to insolent from me to ask you the secrets it whispered?"
"I can no longer keep secrets to you" – Arwen quickly replied – "and what's meant for me to hear, is for you to know."
"What does it say?" – he asked, giving away to his curiosity.
Arwen lowered the niphredil from her lips and extending her arm towards the mirror, she dropped it over the calm water, and the beautiful flower stayed navigating restfully on the magic mirror that never again revealed a thing; neither past, present nor to come.
"It tells me to be free" – she said extending the same hand that had dropped the flower to him, inviting him to take it – "It says that I am free."
"And free you are…….." – he said, taking her hand between his, and kissing it gently – "………to do as you wish. And here I am, to help you obtain whatever you desire. Once again I am at your service"
"Tell me, Lady Undomiel, what will you have me do?"
Arwen's eyes were once again lost in his blue oceans of light.
Words flowed dreamily from her lips – "Take me to see the ocean."
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Hello dear readers.
Well, it seems that chapter 46 is done; it was kind of weird to write this chapter, kind of complicated to capture in words the imagery in my mind, but here it is; I hope it wasn't weird for you.
I have news for you guys, you probably already suspect this, but next chapter will be the last one. Yep, this is just about to be over. As you can see, everything was solved in this chapter, so no more conflict, no more angst, no more violence, anxiety or pain.
Next chapter will be written as an epilogue; and it will be all mushy, Arwen will see the ocean for the first time, and what you all have been waiting for so long will finally happen. I'm going into poet-lover mode all this week, and probably for a longer time so I can write an ending suitable to this very long story, and I hope it will live up to your expectations.
Thank you very much for your interest in my fic; it has been a true honor to share this with you, and luckily for me, I even managed to make new fantastic friends through this story. Whoa! I better stop this now; I was supposed to write a speech at the end of the final chapter, not now!
Once again thank you.
Blessings to you all.