Chapter Three-The Ugliest Freak in the World
I got up from the ground and looked around.There was an unlit torch, a lit torch, some strange block with a moon on it,a Deku Babe,and the nastiest looking Skullfoola I have ever seen!
That Skullfoola wasn't as big as the morons from before,but it was all gold so I figured it was a pimp.The odd thing was....it didn't glare at me like I don't know what like the other ones had.It just stayed in the same spot,going round and round and round..
Whatever.It could live as long as it didn't come near me.Sorry,this is Link,not Duke Nukem and if something doesn't mess with me,I won't mess with it.
I took out a Deku stick and lit the unlit torch.A mini treasure chest appeared,which only had five crappy rupees worth in it.
"Here you go,Navi."I gave PMS and a half my 'hard earned cash'. "Go buy yourself a face."
"Haha..."Navi,the queen of pre menstrual syndrome sighed.More for me..haha..
Okay,NOW.That Gold Skullfoola was getting REALLY aggravating.If it had to pee,why didn't it just go?It just kept squirming and squirming...AUGH!!!!!
I grabbed my slingshot and shot that sucka down.Suddenly,it turned into a little spinning skull.WHAT THE FREAK?!I touched it and someone told me that I had collected a Gold Skulltula token.Maybe it was something to spend in Chuck E.Cheese's.Definitely a keeper.
The place where I wanted to go was a bit high,so I looked around for another path.There was another door....but if you LOVE spiders,you'll be willing to go through ten tons of cobwebs to get to it. Unfortunately,me and spiders don't have much of a good history together,so I was stuck.
"Link!Put it on fire!"An unlikeable yet,unlikely to help me right now fairy said.
I scadoodled over to the torch and put a Deku stick on fire.When I came back to the giant cobweb all I've got to say is man!Did that sucka lit or what!
I jumped into the next room and the door shut behind me.Another faggot Deku scrub was in the middle of the room,surrounded by torches.I had already experienced with torches and scrubs so,basically,it was Cinch City. The new freaky thing was this eyeball on the wall.It made me too afraid to go near the door.For some odd reason,the door wasn't open anyway,although I scared the Deku scrub and lit the torches.
"God!"I cried,looking up at the eyeball again.Freaky but not as freaky as...
"Yes,Link?"Navi gave a lousy immitation of what God sounded like to her.Freaky-tell didn't sound like what I thought the creator of us sounded like.If he's God,why the heck would he want to have an old man voice like that Big Daddy Deku Tree of mine? Why not a deep,pimp daddy voice to attract every female in Hyrule from here to kingdom come?I swear,Navi is just SO unimaginable sometimes!
The eyeball finally pushed me to my limit of freakiness so I grabbed my slingshot and whopped the crap out of it.The door opened.Good riddance.I just wish Navi was like a monster to open doors when you hit her.Believe me,I would've happily done it fifty million times by now!
The next room was obviously built by someone who REALLY wanted me to suffer for going in his room. There was a giant pond with a long stick with spikes stuck all over it.The only way across the pond was on this moving platform,but the platform went under that thing.
"NO!!!"I yelled and turned around.I was leaving!
Navi obviously was ticked because she grabbed my arm and yelled, "Link!Just what do you think you're doing?"This was the part where I expected her to say "young man" at the end.Gosh,Navi!Go have a million kids and leaves your adoptive son ALONE!
"I'm l-e-a-v-i-n-g!"I told her and left that room.I tried not to think of that closed eyeball right above my head. "I'm sorry,Navi, but I value my own bottom more than my pop's.I am leaving and Dad can just croak!"
Since Navi had drank too much PMS Cola this morning,she got up in my face and not only blinded me temporarily with her bright self,but she almost made me go deaf with her voice. "Link!I am so sick of you whining and complaining over every liitle thing!Why don't you be the hero the Great Deku Tree thinks you are and believe in yourself?You can do it!"
"No,I can't,fool."I shook my head and shoved her out the way. "I'm not the hero Dad thinks I am.I'm just ten friggin' years old and I want to go have fun!"
Navi got in my face once more. "Me!Me!Me!That's all you ever think about!Don't you ever wanna do something for somebody else?In fact,why don't you?You're nothing but a conceited little boy who cares for no one!Why don't you be a man and stand up to your fears?"
Now,if this were a Disney moment,I would've shoved her out of the way and walk about three steps.Then,I would stop and look down,while in the background,Navi is making a hopeful face.I would then turn around and say, "You're absolutely right,Navi!I don't know what I was thinking!"Then everything would be all la-tee-da....
YEAH RIGHT!For one thing,I rather croak then be in those goody goody Disney films,and another thing:I don't get why females always say"Why don't you be a real man?"What do they know about 'real' men if they aren't even one?Do they think those gay boy band people are real men?I just hate it when girls do that!ESPECIALLY NAVI!
I pounded her out of my way and opened the door.Navi's annoying voice now sounded scary,all grave and depressed-like from the other side of the door. "I guess The Great Deku Tree will have to give Mido this job."
That struck me with such loathe that I quickly turned around.I could just imagine Mido sneering in my face with whatever awesome reward Deku Brain had given him. "HAHAHAHA!!You loser!You couldn't even save Dad from the simpliest of monsters.God!What a wimp!"
No! I couldn't take the thought of Mido being Dad's hero so I was going to do it.I went back into the room,ignored surprized Navi,and headed into the next room.
Alvin the chipmunk was right behind me. "So,you've decided to help him after all?"
"So,what do I do here,Navi?"I ignored that other bull.
"There's a switch under the water over there.If you go.."
I jumped into the water before she could finish and dove two feet under to press the underwater switch.The water went down and so the platform could be accessible and not painful.
"Cool!"I grinned and jumped on it.What was that ticking noise?
"See what happens when you believe you can do it?"Mickey Mouse Wannabe told me.
"Whatever,Navi."I sighed and rode down the platform.Suddenly,the switch clicked off and the water came back up.I looked behind me to see that spiky stick within three feet of my body.Man..
Ground luckily came by,so I jumped onto it.Phew!
I pushed a block to get up the cliff and killed another moronic Giant Skullfoola.
The next room was huge.It was like a dome with nasty cocoons hanging from the celing. As I got nearer to them,they suddenly fell to the ground and hatched into what had to be the sickest looking things I've ever seen!There were three of the one-eyed,smelly things and they were all coming after me. I backed up and grabbed my sword from its sheath.
"DIE,YOU FAGGOTS,DIE!!!!!!"I screeched and whipped major booty.
There were cobwebs blocking the other paths so I took a Deku stick,put it on fire,and presto!Instant path!I crawled through a little hole one of the paths led to and realized I was on the platform of the room that I had fallen into earlier.Now there was a hole covered in cobweb like way before that I obviously had to go into.
Without complaining,I took my Deku stick,jumped on a platform and lit it by a fiery torch.Then,I returned and crouched down to burn the cobweb.Uh-oh!This was just like before!OH MOMMA!!
And,of course,I fell into water again..PHEW!!!
There were three Deku scrubs shooting at me at once.The chicken Deku scrub earlier told me to hit them in 2-3-1 order.I did,of course and a giant door opened.
"Go on,Link.Don't be a chicken!"High pitched Courage's voice told me.
"Navi.Shove it and keep it in there.I'm going."I told her.
Navi groaned and disappeared.I decided to face the BIG MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOARD.Cool,eh?
The door shut behind me and now it was pitch black.Mist was everywhere.
"Ok.Now I really want my mommy!"I moaned to myself.
God,did it ever stink in this place!!!This was definitely the source of the garlic breath.Wherever Queen Gohma was(chicken Deku had told me who she was),she better show up soon and die quickly cuz I really had to go pee.
My back was creaking so I bent backwards and cracked my back.As I looked up at the celing,I noticed a large eye with a red division sign for a pupil.WHAT IN THE WORLD?!
The THING,and I mean,this thing was the ugliest freak in the world I had ever seen jumped from the celing and sent me off my feet!It looked like a palm with an eye in it.And it stank BIG TIME.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"Of course was my normal reaction to this thing.All those shows where this dude or babe sees a big monster and doesn't flinch isn't real life.And as I mentioned before,I wasn't Duke Nukem so I ran like the wind!
"Link!What are you doing?!"Annoyance caught up with me as I crashed into the closed door.
"Screw it all,Nav!I am leaving and there's nothing your puny self can do about it!"I knocked her to the ground and ran my hand all over the wall for a handle to get the heck out of this dump with...WHAT?!NO HANDLE?!
Navi was crying on the ground. "You're so mean!"She boohooed.I felt kind of rotten but I can't help being mean to her when she has the world's most annoying voice!
I picked her up and nearly strangled her in my grasp."Navi!I have GOT to,and I mean GOT TO get outta here,now!
She was obviously scared of my panicky look and my bright red face but I didn't care. "Yyou're nothing but a chicken!"She cried. "And I'm aashamed to be your guardian."
"Pssh!Navi,you rej!"I rolled my eyes;my bladder growing more impatient by the minute. "I'm not scared!That thing doesn't look as half as bad as Mido anyway!I'm just saying that 'down there' is calling, and if I don't answer it,I will have one soakin' wet pair of pants.Keep in mind,woman,that I am not going outta my dad's mouth with a wet stain on my shorts so there!"
Navi smiled through tears and for some reason,I felt a little better and smiled also. "Be a man,and hold it in for about three more minutes."She grinned.
The REAL MAN speech again.I set her down and shoved a Deku nut in my shorts to hold myself for me while I killed Queen Gohma(or Goaway like I prefer).
Navi helped target on that sucka as she lunged towards me.I took out a handful of Deku nuts and stunned her temporarily with it.The Kokiri sword stabbed into her red now green eye and hurt her.
Queen Goaway ran off,but before I could catch up with her,she ran up the wall and onto the celing.Trouble began popping out of her immediately.Three eggs with baby Goaways popped out and chased me around the dark place.
"Oh,puhleese.."I rolled my eyes and drew out my sword again. "Yo,Annoying.Want a Goaway burrito to go?"
Navi tsked. "Do your work,Mr.Bladder."She smiled and disappearred.
I sure did 'cuz a few tries later and with one heart left,I made that sucka go DOWN.It swerved around like it was drunk and fell to the ground in a million pieces.
"Piece of cake."I said,casually and put my sword into its sheath.
A heart container appeared and I happily grabbed it. "Now I can survive a fight with Mido longer!" Hopefully,this thing wasn't my prize for saving Dad.
A blue portal appeared.Navi flew by it and turned around,all smiles. "Well,Link?Let's go!"
"Alright."I nodded and zipping up my shorts,returned from the dark corner,now vandalized with my urine. "Let's go and get thy prize that Daddy Dearest is givething me."
As we floated into the portal on outside,I added. "I kinda hope to have more adventures like this,Nav."
"Me too."She replied. "Especially with you."
OH NO..........if that were the case,no indeed!
I got up from the ground and looked around.There was an unlit torch, a lit torch, some strange block with a moon on it,a Deku Babe,and the nastiest looking Skullfoola I have ever seen!
That Skullfoola wasn't as big as the morons from before,but it was all gold so I figured it was a pimp.The odd thing was....it didn't glare at me like I don't know what like the other ones had.It just stayed in the same spot,going round and round and round..
Whatever.It could live as long as it didn't come near me.Sorry,this is Link,not Duke Nukem and if something doesn't mess with me,I won't mess with it.
I took out a Deku stick and lit the unlit torch.A mini treasure chest appeared,which only had five crappy rupees worth in it.
"Here you go,Navi."I gave PMS and a half my 'hard earned cash'. "Go buy yourself a face."
"Haha..."Navi,the queen of pre menstrual syndrome sighed.More for me..haha..
Okay,NOW.That Gold Skullfoola was getting REALLY aggravating.If it had to pee,why didn't it just go?It just kept squirming and squirming...AUGH!!!!!
I grabbed my slingshot and shot that sucka down.Suddenly,it turned into a little spinning skull.WHAT THE FREAK?!I touched it and someone told me that I had collected a Gold Skulltula token.Maybe it was something to spend in Chuck E.Cheese's.Definitely a keeper.
The place where I wanted to go was a bit high,so I looked around for another path.There was another door....but if you LOVE spiders,you'll be willing to go through ten tons of cobwebs to get to it. Unfortunately,me and spiders don't have much of a good history together,so I was stuck.
"Link!Put it on fire!"An unlikeable yet,unlikely to help me right now fairy said.
I scadoodled over to the torch and put a Deku stick on fire.When I came back to the giant cobweb all I've got to say is man!Did that sucka lit or what!
I jumped into the next room and the door shut behind me.Another faggot Deku scrub was in the middle of the room,surrounded by torches.I had already experienced with torches and scrubs so,basically,it was Cinch City. The new freaky thing was this eyeball on the wall.It made me too afraid to go near the door.For some odd reason,the door wasn't open anyway,although I scared the Deku scrub and lit the torches.
"God!"I cried,looking up at the eyeball again.Freaky but not as freaky as...
"Yes,Link?"Navi gave a lousy immitation of what God sounded like to her.Freaky-tell didn't sound like what I thought the creator of us sounded like.If he's God,why the heck would he want to have an old man voice like that Big Daddy Deku Tree of mine? Why not a deep,pimp daddy voice to attract every female in Hyrule from here to kingdom come?I swear,Navi is just SO unimaginable sometimes!
The eyeball finally pushed me to my limit of freakiness so I grabbed my slingshot and whopped the crap out of it.The door opened.Good riddance.I just wish Navi was like a monster to open doors when you hit her.Believe me,I would've happily done it fifty million times by now!
The next room was obviously built by someone who REALLY wanted me to suffer for going in his room. There was a giant pond with a long stick with spikes stuck all over it.The only way across the pond was on this moving platform,but the platform went under that thing.
"NO!!!"I yelled and turned around.I was leaving!
Navi obviously was ticked because she grabbed my arm and yelled, "Link!Just what do you think you're doing?"This was the part where I expected her to say "young man" at the end.Gosh,Navi!Go have a million kids and leaves your adoptive son ALONE!
"I'm l-e-a-v-i-n-g!"I told her and left that room.I tried not to think of that closed eyeball right above my head. "I'm sorry,Navi, but I value my own bottom more than my pop's.I am leaving and Dad can just croak!"
Since Navi had drank too much PMS Cola this morning,she got up in my face and not only blinded me temporarily with her bright self,but she almost made me go deaf with her voice. "Link!I am so sick of you whining and complaining over every liitle thing!Why don't you be the hero the Great Deku Tree thinks you are and believe in yourself?You can do it!"
"No,I can't,fool."I shook my head and shoved her out the way. "I'm not the hero Dad thinks I am.I'm just ten friggin' years old and I want to go have fun!"
Navi got in my face once more. "Me!Me!Me!That's all you ever think about!Don't you ever wanna do something for somebody else?In fact,why don't you?You're nothing but a conceited little boy who cares for no one!Why don't you be a man and stand up to your fears?"
Now,if this were a Disney moment,I would've shoved her out of the way and walk about three steps.Then,I would stop and look down,while in the background,Navi is making a hopeful face.I would then turn around and say, "You're absolutely right,Navi!I don't know what I was thinking!"Then everything would be all la-tee-da....
YEAH RIGHT!For one thing,I rather croak then be in those goody goody Disney films,and another thing:I don't get why females always say"Why don't you be a real man?"What do they know about 'real' men if they aren't even one?Do they think those gay boy band people are real men?I just hate it when girls do that!ESPECIALLY NAVI!
I pounded her out of my way and opened the door.Navi's annoying voice now sounded scary,all grave and depressed-like from the other side of the door. "I guess The Great Deku Tree will have to give Mido this job."
That struck me with such loathe that I quickly turned around.I could just imagine Mido sneering in my face with whatever awesome reward Deku Brain had given him. "HAHAHAHA!!You loser!You couldn't even save Dad from the simpliest of monsters.God!What a wimp!"
No! I couldn't take the thought of Mido being Dad's hero so I was going to do it.I went back into the room,ignored surprized Navi,and headed into the next room.
Alvin the chipmunk was right behind me. "So,you've decided to help him after all?"
"So,what do I do here,Navi?"I ignored that other bull.
"There's a switch under the water over there.If you go.."
I jumped into the water before she could finish and dove two feet under to press the underwater switch.The water went down and so the platform could be accessible and not painful.
"Cool!"I grinned and jumped on it.What was that ticking noise?
"See what happens when you believe you can do it?"Mickey Mouse Wannabe told me.
"Whatever,Navi."I sighed and rode down the platform.Suddenly,the switch clicked off and the water came back up.I looked behind me to see that spiky stick within three feet of my body.Man..
Ground luckily came by,so I jumped onto it.Phew!
I pushed a block to get up the cliff and killed another moronic Giant Skullfoola.
The next room was huge.It was like a dome with nasty cocoons hanging from the celing. As I got nearer to them,they suddenly fell to the ground and hatched into what had to be the sickest looking things I've ever seen!There were three of the one-eyed,smelly things and they were all coming after me. I backed up and grabbed my sword from its sheath.
"DIE,YOU FAGGOTS,DIE!!!!!!"I screeched and whipped major booty.
There were cobwebs blocking the other paths so I took a Deku stick,put it on fire,and presto!Instant path!I crawled through a little hole one of the paths led to and realized I was on the platform of the room that I had fallen into earlier.Now there was a hole covered in cobweb like way before that I obviously had to go into.
Without complaining,I took my Deku stick,jumped on a platform and lit it by a fiery torch.Then,I returned and crouched down to burn the cobweb.Uh-oh!This was just like before!OH MOMMA!!
And,of course,I fell into water again..PHEW!!!
There were three Deku scrubs shooting at me at once.The chicken Deku scrub earlier told me to hit them in 2-3-1 order.I did,of course and a giant door opened.
"Go on,Link.Don't be a chicken!"High pitched Courage's voice told me.
"Navi.Shove it and keep it in there.I'm going."I told her.
Navi groaned and disappeared.I decided to face the BIG MONSTER AT THE END OF THE BOARD.Cool,eh?
The door shut behind me and now it was pitch black.Mist was everywhere.
"Ok.Now I really want my mommy!"I moaned to myself.
God,did it ever stink in this place!!!This was definitely the source of the garlic breath.Wherever Queen Gohma was(chicken Deku had told me who she was),she better show up soon and die quickly cuz I really had to go pee.
My back was creaking so I bent backwards and cracked my back.As I looked up at the celing,I noticed a large eye with a red division sign for a pupil.WHAT IN THE WORLD?!
The THING,and I mean,this thing was the ugliest freak in the world I had ever seen jumped from the celing and sent me off my feet!It looked like a palm with an eye in it.And it stank BIG TIME.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"Of course was my normal reaction to this thing.All those shows where this dude or babe sees a big monster and doesn't flinch isn't real life.And as I mentioned before,I wasn't Duke Nukem so I ran like the wind!
"Link!What are you doing?!"Annoyance caught up with me as I crashed into the closed door.
"Screw it all,Nav!I am leaving and there's nothing your puny self can do about it!"I knocked her to the ground and ran my hand all over the wall for a handle to get the heck out of this dump with...WHAT?!NO HANDLE?!
Navi was crying on the ground. "You're so mean!"She boohooed.I felt kind of rotten but I can't help being mean to her when she has the world's most annoying voice!
I picked her up and nearly strangled her in my grasp."Navi!I have GOT to,and I mean GOT TO get outta here,now!
She was obviously scared of my panicky look and my bright red face but I didn't care. "Yyou're nothing but a chicken!"She cried. "And I'm aashamed to be your guardian."
"Pssh!Navi,you rej!"I rolled my eyes;my bladder growing more impatient by the minute. "I'm not scared!That thing doesn't look as half as bad as Mido anyway!I'm just saying that 'down there' is calling, and if I don't answer it,I will have one soakin' wet pair of pants.Keep in mind,woman,that I am not going outta my dad's mouth with a wet stain on my shorts so there!"
Navi smiled through tears and for some reason,I felt a little better and smiled also. "Be a man,and hold it in for about three more minutes."She grinned.
The REAL MAN speech again.I set her down and shoved a Deku nut in my shorts to hold myself for me while I killed Queen Gohma(or Goaway like I prefer).
Navi helped target on that sucka as she lunged towards me.I took out a handful of Deku nuts and stunned her temporarily with it.The Kokiri sword stabbed into her red now green eye and hurt her.
Queen Goaway ran off,but before I could catch up with her,she ran up the wall and onto the celing.Trouble began popping out of her immediately.Three eggs with baby Goaways popped out and chased me around the dark place.
"Oh,puhleese.."I rolled my eyes and drew out my sword again. "Yo,Annoying.Want a Goaway burrito to go?"
Navi tsked. "Do your work,Mr.Bladder."She smiled and disappearred.
I sure did 'cuz a few tries later and with one heart left,I made that sucka go DOWN.It swerved around like it was drunk and fell to the ground in a million pieces.
"Piece of cake."I said,casually and put my sword into its sheath.
A heart container appeared and I happily grabbed it. "Now I can survive a fight with Mido longer!" Hopefully,this thing wasn't my prize for saving Dad.
A blue portal appeared.Navi flew by it and turned around,all smiles. "Well,Link?Let's go!"
"Alright."I nodded and zipping up my shorts,returned from the dark corner,now vandalized with my urine. "Let's go and get thy prize that Daddy Dearest is givething me."
As we floated into the portal on outside,I added. "I kinda hope to have more adventures like this,Nav."
"Me too."She replied. "Especially with you."
OH NO..........if that were the case,no indeed!