A couple of did-you-knows before I begin this chapter:
Did you know Mido reads Harry Potter?
Did you know Saria wants to marry Lance Bass of N*SYNC?The blonde Kokiri wants A.J. McLean of the Backstreet boys!
Did you know Darunia watches Martha Stewart Living?
Did you know,betcha already knew though,that the Great Faires shop at Victoria's Secret?
Did you know Navi thinks Ganondork is hot?
Did you know King Zora has never walked a day in his life?
Did you know Saria actually hates green?
Did you know Nabooru played an extra in Gladiator?Check those amphitheater scenes closely now!
Did you know Malon likes the little boy from Kakariko Village graveyard?I'm serious!She has a fetish for bald men!
Did you know Ingo is one of those men afraid of women?
Chapter Four-The Chapter That Sucks Cuz Someone Dies
I appeared outside of dad.Did he look better since I freeded him of A.I.D.S.?NO!He looked worse! It ticked me off.
"Link,is that thee?"He asked.
"No,it's Lady Marmalade."I mumbled to myself. "Wanna give it a go,OH?!"
Okay,now I was beginning to sound gay...."What,my son?Speak up!"He told me.
"YES!It's me,thy Da Da."I groaned.You know it's me, Dad, so why the freak do you keep on asking who it is?!
"Link,thou hates to tell you this,but thy time has drawn near...."
HE WAS STILL GOING TO DIE?!"But,Great Deku Tree!"I protested while a concerned Navi looked on."After all I did in there,you're still gonna die?"
"Unfortunately..."He breathed."The man who didst this to thee got just what he wanted,or so he thought..."
'Why would some dude starting beating up on my old man?He didn't have money and why the heck would some dude beat up a tree?'I thought to myself."What did he want from you?"I asked,ticked.
He ignored what I asked."This man,Link."He said."He's an evil man named Ganondorf.He cameth to thee to get power of the Triforce from thee.Thou refused and that is why thou gave thee a curse."
"What the heck is the Triforce?"I asked.Please tell me that that's the new Power Rangers' series!
As vision of Power Ranger:Tri Force danced in my head,Dad explained what it really was.
It turned out that the three goddesses.....you know them three heavenly babes named Farore,Nayru,and Din?Well,anyway,they invented the Power Ranger thingy as a kind of symbol of all that hard work creating this piece o' crap called Hyrule.Anyway,it had a lot of power in it and stuff so the evil dude wanted it to rule the world.
However,I still wondered something.Why beat up on my pop,an old fart of a tree,for some freakin' power when I know for a fact he doesn't have any on him?I mean,come on.Beat on a tree to relieve the stress of not finding power?Dude probably had a fairy earlier in life that was worse than Navi.
"What's this reject's name again?"I asked,cracking my knuckles.It was probably something fierce...something heart-piercing...like Butch...or Wolfgang.....or Demon.......or Navi....or Shadow.....
"His name..."Dad managed,his freakin' condition growing worse.Man..."....His name wast Ganondorf..."
"G....ga.....Ganon........DORF?Is that what you just said?!"I asked in disbelief.With a name like that,you would wonder what the heck was wrong with his momma!
"Yes.Ganondorf."Pops replied."He camest from Gerudo Village to get something that thou hast that leadeth to the Triforce!"
"And what would that be?"I wondered.A dude with the name Ganondorf definitely has issues!
"Thou wants thee to have it,Link."The Great Deku Dude suddenly said."This is the Kokiri Emerald,one of the many keys needed to gain the Triforce!Take it and guard it well!"
"But,Dad,I...."I began.Man,I don't wanna be carrying any jewels on me!That Ganon-dude would be freakin' chasing me for the rest of my life to get it!
Before I could tell him that tho',the freak gave me this beyond green jewel!It was awesome looking!
"Whoa,Pops.It's pimpin' but...are you sure you should leave me with it?I mean.."
"Oh,okay then.Link."Dad interrupted."Thou wilst just giveth thy emerald to Mido..."
HE-CK,NO!If Big Daddy was going to depend on anyone to carry his treasure around,it was going to be me....AND NOT MIDO!!"Uh...Dad?"I mentioned."On second thought,I think I'll takeththththth it backethth.Mido has a big record of losing things.All the stuff in those treasure chests in his house are missing!Probably scattered all around,ya know?"Heck!how do you speak Old ENGLISH so good,Dad?"
"Very well.....cough...Link."The Great Deku Tree agreed.He looked like that big monster on that movie called Alien that I wasn't supposed to see now.(Just think...I'm only ten and I've already seen a rated R movie!Cool,huh?)"Guard thy emerald well and keep a courageous spirit against the evil of the world!Farewell,Link!"
"Pops!"I cried out,thinking it was the end.
"Navi."He was still alive and ignored me now.How friggin' rude..."Navi,guard Link well with thy life."
Crud and a half!I didn't want Navi following around me no more!"Uh...Great Deku Tree,that really isn't necessary..."I began.
"I entreat thee,Navi."were Pops final words.It still ticks me off to think that he ignored me in tbe end.Suddenly,he stopped breathing and all the greenness went out of him.He looked like a big brown log now,like any other tree.
"Great Deku Tree!"I moaned,realizing that there would be no one around now to protect us Kokiris from evil.Or to spank Mido with his whiplike branches for picking on me.Or to swing on."Well,look on the bright side of this,Link."I thought to myself."At least there won't be anymore garlic aromas around."
I was wrong.No sooner did the tips of his longest branches turn brown,did Dad began stinking beyond anything I ever smelt before.
"Navi,let's hit the deck!"exclaimed I and ran out the Great Deku Tree's Meadow..
"Goodbye,Great Deku Tree!"I heard her saying to a dead tree..
I groaned."Nav,get the freak!"We galloped around the corner but our escape was ceased by a certain little fruit in our path....
"Brick wall!"Mido yelled and stuck his stinky hand in my face."You're not going anywhere,Link until you explain what's going on!":
I pulled out my sword and held out my nasty shield."I've got a freakin' sword and shield now,homeboy.What the frig do you want from me?"
"I wanna know about Dad."Mido explained."Did....did he die?"
"Yeah....he did."I looked down,ticked that I couldn't have been born bigger than Mido.Life is so friggin' unfair!
"You killed him,didn't you?"Mido gasped,suddenly.WHAT?!"Wait until I tell everybody about this!They'll be dying to kill ya!"
"I didn't kill him,you fartbreath!" I yelled."I was trying to save his life from this curse this guy named Ganondorf put on him!Dang,man!"
"Yeah,sure...."Mido rolled his eyes.However,his voice sounded as if he half-believed me."No wonder you took so long to come back.After you killed him,you probably took all your time,thinking of a story about a retarded guy named Ganondork and curses and other bull like you're telling me right now!"
Hmm...Ganondork.That didn't sound half bad.Yeah!That'll be ol' Ganon's new name from now on. "Oh,come on now,you dweeb!You know I don't lie!Why won't you believe me?"
Mido thought for a second,but in obviously believing me,he couldn't think up a good comeback. "Shut up,Link,you pointless moron!I don't have time for this!"With that,he began running towards his house.
"Just like you don't have time for a good comeback!"I retorted.Mido,on hearing his,ran faster,pretending not to have heard me.I chuckled to myself."This day turned out pretty well."
"I agree!"A familiar,high-pitched pest chirped in.
Then again....
Did you know Mido reads Harry Potter?
Did you know Saria wants to marry Lance Bass of N*SYNC?The blonde Kokiri wants A.J. McLean of the Backstreet boys!
Did you know Darunia watches Martha Stewart Living?
Did you know,betcha already knew though,that the Great Faires shop at Victoria's Secret?
Did you know Navi thinks Ganondork is hot?
Did you know King Zora has never walked a day in his life?
Did you know Saria actually hates green?
Did you know Nabooru played an extra in Gladiator?Check those amphitheater scenes closely now!
Did you know Malon likes the little boy from Kakariko Village graveyard?I'm serious!She has a fetish for bald men!
Did you know Ingo is one of those men afraid of women?
Chapter Four-The Chapter That Sucks Cuz Someone Dies
I appeared outside of dad.Did he look better since I freeded him of A.I.D.S.?NO!He looked worse! It ticked me off.
"Link,is that thee?"He asked.
"No,it's Lady Marmalade."I mumbled to myself. "Wanna give it a go,OH?!"
Okay,now I was beginning to sound gay...."What,my son?Speak up!"He told me.
"YES!It's me,thy Da Da."I groaned.You know it's me, Dad, so why the freak do you keep on asking who it is?!
"Link,thou hates to tell you this,but thy time has drawn near...."
HE WAS STILL GOING TO DIE?!"But,Great Deku Tree!"I protested while a concerned Navi looked on."After all I did in there,you're still gonna die?"
"Unfortunately..."He breathed."The man who didst this to thee got just what he wanted,or so he thought..."
'Why would some dude starting beating up on my old man?He didn't have money and why the heck would some dude beat up a tree?'I thought to myself."What did he want from you?"I asked,ticked.
He ignored what I asked."This man,Link."He said."He's an evil man named Ganondorf.He cameth to thee to get power of the Triforce from thee.Thou refused and that is why thou gave thee a curse."
"What the heck is the Triforce?"I asked.Please tell me that that's the new Power Rangers' series!
As vision of Power Ranger:Tri Force danced in my head,Dad explained what it really was.
It turned out that the three goddesses.....you know them three heavenly babes named Farore,Nayru,and Din?Well,anyway,they invented the Power Ranger thingy as a kind of symbol of all that hard work creating this piece o' crap called Hyrule.Anyway,it had a lot of power in it and stuff so the evil dude wanted it to rule the world.
However,I still wondered something.Why beat up on my pop,an old fart of a tree,for some freakin' power when I know for a fact he doesn't have any on him?I mean,come on.Beat on a tree to relieve the stress of not finding power?Dude probably had a fairy earlier in life that was worse than Navi.
"What's this reject's name again?"I asked,cracking my knuckles.It was probably something fierce...something heart-piercing...like Butch...or Wolfgang.....or Demon.......or Navi....or Shadow.....
"His name..."Dad managed,his freakin' condition growing worse.Man..."....His name wast Ganondorf..."
"G....ga.....Ganon........DORF?Is that what you just said?!"I asked in disbelief.With a name like that,you would wonder what the heck was wrong with his momma!
"Yes.Ganondorf."Pops replied."He camest from Gerudo Village to get something that thou hast that leadeth to the Triforce!"
"And what would that be?"I wondered.A dude with the name Ganondorf definitely has issues!
"Thou wants thee to have it,Link."The Great Deku Dude suddenly said."This is the Kokiri Emerald,one of the many keys needed to gain the Triforce!Take it and guard it well!"
"But,Dad,I...."I began.Man,I don't wanna be carrying any jewels on me!That Ganon-dude would be freakin' chasing me for the rest of my life to get it!
Before I could tell him that tho',the freak gave me this beyond green jewel!It was awesome looking!
"Whoa,Pops.It's pimpin' but...are you sure you should leave me with it?I mean.."
"Oh,okay then.Link."Dad interrupted."Thou wilst just giveth thy emerald to Mido..."
HE-CK,NO!If Big Daddy was going to depend on anyone to carry his treasure around,it was going to be me....AND NOT MIDO!!"Uh...Dad?"I mentioned."On second thought,I think I'll takeththththth it backethth.Mido has a big record of losing things.All the stuff in those treasure chests in his house are missing!Probably scattered all around,ya know?"Heck!how do you speak Old ENGLISH so good,Dad?"
"Very well.....cough...Link."The Great Deku Tree agreed.He looked like that big monster on that movie called Alien that I wasn't supposed to see now.(Just think...I'm only ten and I've already seen a rated R movie!Cool,huh?)"Guard thy emerald well and keep a courageous spirit against the evil of the world!Farewell,Link!"
"Pops!"I cried out,thinking it was the end.
"Navi."He was still alive and ignored me now.How friggin' rude..."Navi,guard Link well with thy life."
Crud and a half!I didn't want Navi following around me no more!"Uh...Great Deku Tree,that really isn't necessary..."I began.
"I entreat thee,Navi."were Pops final words.It still ticks me off to think that he ignored me in tbe end.Suddenly,he stopped breathing and all the greenness went out of him.He looked like a big brown log now,like any other tree.
"Great Deku Tree!"I moaned,realizing that there would be no one around now to protect us Kokiris from evil.Or to spank Mido with his whiplike branches for picking on me.Or to swing on."Well,look on the bright side of this,Link."I thought to myself."At least there won't be anymore garlic aromas around."
I was wrong.No sooner did the tips of his longest branches turn brown,did Dad began stinking beyond anything I ever smelt before.
"Navi,let's hit the deck!"exclaimed I and ran out the Great Deku Tree's Meadow..
"Goodbye,Great Deku Tree!"I heard her saying to a dead tree..
I groaned."Nav,get the freak!"We galloped around the corner but our escape was ceased by a certain little fruit in our path....
"Brick wall!"Mido yelled and stuck his stinky hand in my face."You're not going anywhere,Link until you explain what's going on!":
I pulled out my sword and held out my nasty shield."I've got a freakin' sword and shield now,homeboy.What the frig do you want from me?"
"I wanna know about Dad."Mido explained."Did....did he die?"
"Yeah....he did."I looked down,ticked that I couldn't have been born bigger than Mido.Life is so friggin' unfair!
"You killed him,didn't you?"Mido gasped,suddenly.WHAT?!"Wait until I tell everybody about this!They'll be dying to kill ya!"
"I didn't kill him,you fartbreath!" I yelled."I was trying to save his life from this curse this guy named Ganondorf put on him!Dang,man!"
"Yeah,sure...."Mido rolled his eyes.However,his voice sounded as if he half-believed me."No wonder you took so long to come back.After you killed him,you probably took all your time,thinking of a story about a retarded guy named Ganondork and curses and other bull like you're telling me right now!"
Hmm...Ganondork.That didn't sound half bad.Yeah!That'll be ol' Ganon's new name from now on. "Oh,come on now,you dweeb!You know I don't lie!Why won't you believe me?"
Mido thought for a second,but in obviously believing me,he couldn't think up a good comeback. "Shut up,Link,you pointless moron!I don't have time for this!"With that,he began running towards his house.
"Just like you don't have time for a good comeback!"I retorted.Mido,on hearing his,ran faster,pretending not to have heard me.I chuckled to myself."This day turned out pretty well."
"I agree!"A familiar,high-pitched pest chirped in.
Then again....