They set off for the garbage masher; first Yoda with his stick, then the Solobabies, then Luke, Leia, Han and Anakin. Luke hugs Leia as they walk along, silently begging forgiveness for his neglect of her. Han cuts in on the other side of Leia and ruffles Luke's hair. They reach the gallery, and sit down on the seats like patrons at a cinema.
From the other side of the balcony, C-3PO, R2D2 and Chewie walk in.
Han: Chewie!
Chewie: RAAAARRRRR!!!(Translation: It would take more than a moon to stop me!)
Chewie hugs Han, then tries to hug Luke, Leia and the kids all at once.
Kin: Uncle Chewie!!
Han: You old fuzzball...Together again, huh?
Luke and Leia: Wouldn't miss it!
Chewie: Graaarrgh!
3PO: Chewbacca, it's so good to see you functional again!
Artoo: Beeeeep dwwoooo blaart!
Yoda: Balance returns...
Everyone settles down again.
Leia: You know , the smell reminds me of old times...fond memories...
Luke: I DO NOT have fond memories of that dianoga.
Leia: It's a bit like your wife...strangling, filthy, disgusting, only good for shooting...
Jacen: Well, speak of the devil.
"You're So Vain" magically starts playing. Mara Jade strides with feline grace onto the balcony, her dancer's figure with its astounding (silicon) curves swaying sensuously as she walks. Her red-gold-red-silky-copper-gold reditty-gold hair (tm) blows in a Force enhanced breeze around her beautiful (plastic) face. Her emerald-jade-vivid green eyes flash (she'd had light bulbs installed in a ground-breaking surgery). She holds Ben in her arms, looking like a Madonna and child painting (according to a certian EUthor, a view I consider 'Deluded and Border-line Blasphemous').
Luke: Ben...Master Yoda...Leia, save me! (Hides behind Leia)
Anakin: Hang in there, son.
Yoda: Over this nightmare soon will be.
Mara: Lukie-pookie! Where are you? I need you to stroke my planet-sized ego! Snookums!
Luke: Nnneeeh...
Mara: Leia! I need you to mind my darling Benny-wenny while I look for my 'principal plaything'!
Jacen : Principal plaything?!?! Uncle Luke, what the Sith-spawned hell...
Luke (sinks to the floor): Meep meep...
Jaina: My brain just melted and ran out of my ears.
Anakin: I don't care that I'm one with the Force, I REALLY need to vomit!
Mara: Baby-sitting my kid's all you're good for, you Force-weakling! You worthless ugly hag!
Han draws his blaster.
Han: Watch your mouth, slut!! That's my WIFE you're bad-mouthing!
Kin: My mom's the best mom in the galaxy! She's worth ten of you, Barbie doll!
Jacen: Hear, hear!!
Jaina: Listen to my brother! Whose death you couldn't give a stuff about, even thought he cried over your blasted labour pains!!
Anakin: My daughter, a Force-weakling? This stops NOW!
Anakin holds his lightsaber at the ready.
Yoda: Luke, be brave you must! Defend your sister you should!
Anakin: You nearly killed me for threatening her on the Death Star! Stand up for her! And yourself!
Luke takes Leia's hand and leads her forward.
Luke: Stop insulting my sister! She's a better Jedi than you'll ever be-why I ever made you a Jedi Master, I don't know-and she's not a selfish, whiny, Dark-Side serving WITCH!
Han: Stop being so mealy-mouthed, kid! Say it like it is!
Jacen, Kin and Jaina: Go Uncle Luke!
Yoda: Got his manhood back, your son has.
Anakin: About time!
Mara: Lukie! Why are you being so howwible to me! I'm so beautiful and sexy and wonderful...
Han: Sexy! Ha! You can't hold a glowstick to my Princess! I never liked redheads, and you're the ultimate redheaded slut!
Luke: You're not beautiful, not without two tons of make-up anyway! I've seen your dressing table! It can hardly take the strain!
Jaina (to Jacen): If you ever wondered why she needs her own personal ship, now you know! To cart her beauty aids around!
Kin: My mom's beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, unlike you, you heartless succubus!
Yoda: Going well, this is!
Mara: Lukie-wukie! Let me kiss it all better! I'll even call you Master again...
Luke: Nnooooo....
Mara hands Ben to Leia. As he leaves her arms, he pokes her in the flashing emerald eye.
Ben: Bad Mommy!
He puts his arms round Leia's neck and gives her a sloppy baby-kiss.
Ben: Good Aunty Leia! I wove oo, Aunty Leia!
Anakin: Maybe that child is descended from me after all!
Mara advances on Luke.
Luke: Get away from me!! Father, please....!
Anakin steps forward, and Mara notices him for the first time.
Mara: Who are you?
Luke: That's my father!
Mara: Oh, Darth Vader? That stupid, clumsy idiot? I thought I'd seen the last of you when you murdered OUR MASTER!!!
Leia: Now it comes out!
Yoda: Once you start down the Dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny! Consume you it will!
Jacen: Mara being a case in point.
Mara draws and activates her lightsaber.
Yoda: Anger, aggression, the Dark Side are they!
Anakin: That's MINE!
Ghostly voice of Obi-Wan: This weapon is your life!
Anakin: I KNOW, Master!
Anakin uses the Force to take the lightsaber from Mara.
Anakin: And did this not fall down a reactor shaft along with your hand, Luke?
Leia(dryly): You'll never believe what happened to the hand...
Luke: When you think of indestructible gloves falling through wormholes, the hand pales into insignificance.
Mara pulls out another lightsaber, this one with a red blade.
Han: She shows her TRUE COLOURS at last.
Jaina: Da-ad!
Mara: You think you can defeat ME, old man?
Anakin (grins at Luke): You'll find I'm full of surprises.
Leia, Luke and Ben sit down as Mara advances on Anakin. The lightsabers clash together. After a couple of parries Anakin slices off Mara's right hand, together with the lightsaber. They fall into the garbage masher. Everyone cheers.
Mara: Aaaaaarrrgghgghhh!!
Yoda: The hair! Go for the hair! Destroy the red-goldness(tm) you must!
Anakin seizes Mara's red-gold-red-golditty(tm) hair and scalps her with the lightsaber. There is a flash of blue light, and Mara is revealed to be a shrivelled, hideous hag. She is screaming and drooling in Dark-Side rage, and tries to shot Force-generated lightening at Anakin. It's pretty pathetic, and he easily catches it on his lightsaber.
Anakin: Your powers are weak, Sith-wannabe. You have polluted this galaxy long enough.
He chops her in half with the lightsaber. The bits fall down the shaft. Anakin uses the Force to flip the switch and turn on the compactor.
Anakin: All too easy.
Yoda: Done well you have, young Skywalker. Return we must now. But visit again, we will!
Luke: Thank you, Father! You've saved me!
Anakin: As you saved me, Luke.
Leia (thoughtfully): It was the hair...it cast the spell...once it was gone, there was nothing left. Father-thank you.
The twins hug Anakin before he disappears. Kin pats Yoda on the head.
---------
Anakin and Yoda return to the other Dead People. Anakin gets several more hugs.
Shmi: Ani, I'm so proud of you! You have brought hope to those who have none!
Qui-Gon: Anakin, you have brought balance. You truly are the Chosen One.
Cliegg: Well done, lad.
Obi: You've done me proud, padawan.
Owen claps Anakin on the back.
Owen: Guess you're not so bad after all, Anakin.
Anakin: Owen, Beru-thanks for looking after my boy.
Beru: No, Ani-thank you for saving him from that hussy.
Padme doesn't say anything at all. But when everyone else has moved back, she wraps her arms round him and draws his head down to hers.
------------
On Coruscant, the Skywalker/Solo family is watching the Holonet news.
Announcer: ....and reported sightings of a fleet of planet-destroying extra-galactics have been put down to spicers in the Outer Rim having a bad trip. The investigation, spearheaded by Jedi Knight Princess Leia Organa-Solo...
Han kisses the top of Leia's head proudly. They're sitting on the sofa. Luke is on the floor playing with Ben. Jaina, Jacen and Chewie are playing three-way holochess and Kin is cleaning Artoo. It's a peaceful family scene, with no red-gold in sight. Suddenly, the door chime sounds.
Leia: Threepio, the door!
A woman of about Luke and Leia's age enters. She has auburn hair with a few grey streaks at the front, and dark eyes. She's not dazzlingly beautiful, but she has a sweet smile.
Visitor (to Leia): Hello, Princess!
Leia: Hello, Keitin! Long time no see. What have you been doing with yourself?
Keitin: Working in the Coruscant comm network, mostly.
She stops in front of Luke.
Keitin: Do you remember me at all? I brought you a cup of kaff on the Medical Frigate once. In a parallel universe, we're happily married with three children.
Han: That's quite a pick-up line!
Ben grabs Keitin's arm as she kneels in front of him.
Ben: Mommy!
Luke: This is surreal. But then, everything that's happened to me since the Battle of Endor is surreal. At least this is surreal in a GOOD way.
He puts a cautious arm round her shoulders.
Jaina(softly): Aaaaww.
Jacen(equally softly): Eeeewww.
Leia leans back into Han's arms. She whispers in his ear.
Leia: You know, I was matchmaking those two before Endor. I'd forgotten that.
Han: Must have been the Force, sweetheart.
Above them, the blue edged spirits exchange glances.
Anakin: It think it must.
FINIS
From the other side of the balcony, C-3PO, R2D2 and Chewie walk in.
Han: Chewie!
Chewie: RAAAARRRRR!!!(Translation: It would take more than a moon to stop me!)
Chewie hugs Han, then tries to hug Luke, Leia and the kids all at once.
Kin: Uncle Chewie!!
Han: You old fuzzball...Together again, huh?
Luke and Leia: Wouldn't miss it!
Chewie: Graaarrgh!
3PO: Chewbacca, it's so good to see you functional again!
Artoo: Beeeeep dwwoooo blaart!
Yoda: Balance returns...
Everyone settles down again.
Leia: You know , the smell reminds me of old times...fond memories...
Luke: I DO NOT have fond memories of that dianoga.
Leia: It's a bit like your wife...strangling, filthy, disgusting, only good for shooting...
Jacen: Well, speak of the devil.
"You're So Vain" magically starts playing. Mara Jade strides with feline grace onto the balcony, her dancer's figure with its astounding (silicon) curves swaying sensuously as she walks. Her red-gold-red-silky-copper-gold reditty-gold hair (tm) blows in a Force enhanced breeze around her beautiful (plastic) face. Her emerald-jade-vivid green eyes flash (she'd had light bulbs installed in a ground-breaking surgery). She holds Ben in her arms, looking like a Madonna and child painting (according to a certian EUthor, a view I consider 'Deluded and Border-line Blasphemous').
Luke: Ben...Master Yoda...Leia, save me! (Hides behind Leia)
Anakin: Hang in there, son.
Yoda: Over this nightmare soon will be.
Mara: Lukie-pookie! Where are you? I need you to stroke my planet-sized ego! Snookums!
Luke: Nnneeeh...
Mara: Leia! I need you to mind my darling Benny-wenny while I look for my 'principal plaything'!
Jacen : Principal plaything?!?! Uncle Luke, what the Sith-spawned hell...
Luke (sinks to the floor): Meep meep...
Jaina: My brain just melted and ran out of my ears.
Anakin: I don't care that I'm one with the Force, I REALLY need to vomit!
Mara: Baby-sitting my kid's all you're good for, you Force-weakling! You worthless ugly hag!
Han draws his blaster.
Han: Watch your mouth, slut!! That's my WIFE you're bad-mouthing!
Kin: My mom's the best mom in the galaxy! She's worth ten of you, Barbie doll!
Jacen: Hear, hear!!
Jaina: Listen to my brother! Whose death you couldn't give a stuff about, even thought he cried over your blasted labour pains!!
Anakin: My daughter, a Force-weakling? This stops NOW!
Anakin holds his lightsaber at the ready.
Yoda: Luke, be brave you must! Defend your sister you should!
Anakin: You nearly killed me for threatening her on the Death Star! Stand up for her! And yourself!
Luke takes Leia's hand and leads her forward.
Luke: Stop insulting my sister! She's a better Jedi than you'll ever be-why I ever made you a Jedi Master, I don't know-and she's not a selfish, whiny, Dark-Side serving WITCH!
Han: Stop being so mealy-mouthed, kid! Say it like it is!
Jacen, Kin and Jaina: Go Uncle Luke!
Yoda: Got his manhood back, your son has.
Anakin: About time!
Mara: Lukie! Why are you being so howwible to me! I'm so beautiful and sexy and wonderful...
Han: Sexy! Ha! You can't hold a glowstick to my Princess! I never liked redheads, and you're the ultimate redheaded slut!
Luke: You're not beautiful, not without two tons of make-up anyway! I've seen your dressing table! It can hardly take the strain!
Jaina (to Jacen): If you ever wondered why she needs her own personal ship, now you know! To cart her beauty aids around!
Kin: My mom's beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, unlike you, you heartless succubus!
Yoda: Going well, this is!
Mara: Lukie-wukie! Let me kiss it all better! I'll even call you Master again...
Luke: Nnooooo....
Mara hands Ben to Leia. As he leaves her arms, he pokes her in the flashing emerald eye.
Ben: Bad Mommy!
He puts his arms round Leia's neck and gives her a sloppy baby-kiss.
Ben: Good Aunty Leia! I wove oo, Aunty Leia!
Anakin: Maybe that child is descended from me after all!
Mara advances on Luke.
Luke: Get away from me!! Father, please....!
Anakin steps forward, and Mara notices him for the first time.
Mara: Who are you?
Luke: That's my father!
Mara: Oh, Darth Vader? That stupid, clumsy idiot? I thought I'd seen the last of you when you murdered OUR MASTER!!!
Leia: Now it comes out!
Yoda: Once you start down the Dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny! Consume you it will!
Jacen: Mara being a case in point.
Mara draws and activates her lightsaber.
Yoda: Anger, aggression, the Dark Side are they!
Anakin: That's MINE!
Ghostly voice of Obi-Wan: This weapon is your life!
Anakin: I KNOW, Master!
Anakin uses the Force to take the lightsaber from Mara.
Anakin: And did this not fall down a reactor shaft along with your hand, Luke?
Leia(dryly): You'll never believe what happened to the hand...
Luke: When you think of indestructible gloves falling through wormholes, the hand pales into insignificance.
Mara pulls out another lightsaber, this one with a red blade.
Han: She shows her TRUE COLOURS at last.
Jaina: Da-ad!
Mara: You think you can defeat ME, old man?
Anakin (grins at Luke): You'll find I'm full of surprises.
Leia, Luke and Ben sit down as Mara advances on Anakin. The lightsabers clash together. After a couple of parries Anakin slices off Mara's right hand, together with the lightsaber. They fall into the garbage masher. Everyone cheers.
Mara: Aaaaaarrrgghgghhh!!
Yoda: The hair! Go for the hair! Destroy the red-goldness(tm) you must!
Anakin seizes Mara's red-gold-red-golditty(tm) hair and scalps her with the lightsaber. There is a flash of blue light, and Mara is revealed to be a shrivelled, hideous hag. She is screaming and drooling in Dark-Side rage, and tries to shot Force-generated lightening at Anakin. It's pretty pathetic, and he easily catches it on his lightsaber.
Anakin: Your powers are weak, Sith-wannabe. You have polluted this galaxy long enough.
He chops her in half with the lightsaber. The bits fall down the shaft. Anakin uses the Force to flip the switch and turn on the compactor.
Anakin: All too easy.
Yoda: Done well you have, young Skywalker. Return we must now. But visit again, we will!
Luke: Thank you, Father! You've saved me!
Anakin: As you saved me, Luke.
Leia (thoughtfully): It was the hair...it cast the spell...once it was gone, there was nothing left. Father-thank you.
The twins hug Anakin before he disappears. Kin pats Yoda on the head.
---------
Anakin and Yoda return to the other Dead People. Anakin gets several more hugs.
Shmi: Ani, I'm so proud of you! You have brought hope to those who have none!
Qui-Gon: Anakin, you have brought balance. You truly are the Chosen One.
Cliegg: Well done, lad.
Obi: You've done me proud, padawan.
Owen claps Anakin on the back.
Owen: Guess you're not so bad after all, Anakin.
Anakin: Owen, Beru-thanks for looking after my boy.
Beru: No, Ani-thank you for saving him from that hussy.
Padme doesn't say anything at all. But when everyone else has moved back, she wraps her arms round him and draws his head down to hers.
------------
On Coruscant, the Skywalker/Solo family is watching the Holonet news.
Announcer: ....and reported sightings of a fleet of planet-destroying extra-galactics have been put down to spicers in the Outer Rim having a bad trip. The investigation, spearheaded by Jedi Knight Princess Leia Organa-Solo...
Han kisses the top of Leia's head proudly. They're sitting on the sofa. Luke is on the floor playing with Ben. Jaina, Jacen and Chewie are playing three-way holochess and Kin is cleaning Artoo. It's a peaceful family scene, with no red-gold in sight. Suddenly, the door chime sounds.
Leia: Threepio, the door!
A woman of about Luke and Leia's age enters. She has auburn hair with a few grey streaks at the front, and dark eyes. She's not dazzlingly beautiful, but she has a sweet smile.
Visitor (to Leia): Hello, Princess!
Leia: Hello, Keitin! Long time no see. What have you been doing with yourself?
Keitin: Working in the Coruscant comm network, mostly.
She stops in front of Luke.
Keitin: Do you remember me at all? I brought you a cup of kaff on the Medical Frigate once. In a parallel universe, we're happily married with three children.
Han: That's quite a pick-up line!
Ben grabs Keitin's arm as she kneels in front of him.
Ben: Mommy!
Luke: This is surreal. But then, everything that's happened to me since the Battle of Endor is surreal. At least this is surreal in a GOOD way.
He puts a cautious arm round her shoulders.
Jaina(softly): Aaaaww.
Jacen(equally softly): Eeeewww.
Leia leans back into Han's arms. She whispers in his ear.
Leia: You know, I was matchmaking those two before Endor. I'd forgotten that.
Han: Must have been the Force, sweetheart.
Above them, the blue edged spirits exchange glances.
Anakin: It think it must.
FINIS