* * * * * * * * * * * *
just for a moment
everything I treasured was gone
just for a moment
the world was full of pain
oh how I love you
just for a moment
I faced my life alone
just for a moment
my luck had finally run out
oh how I love you
the same thing that blew us together
might blow us apart
so keep a piece of me precious
and close to your heart
just for a moment
all of my nightmares came true
just for a moment
my heart was broken in two
oh how I need you
oh how I miss you
oh how I love you
Just for a Moment – Aqualung
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He gazes at me as I leave the train. I can feel his eyes on me. He was upset; I could see that. He didn't know what he had done wrong. What had he done wrong? I don't know. He got too close, cared too much. Just for a moment, everything I treasured was gone. I watch as he turns, climbs into a carriage and I feel like he's taking my heart with him, wrenching it away from me.
My silent sobs draw strange looks from the girls I join in the carriage to the castle. They can't understand, they don't speak to me. All I want is him, and I've turned him away. Forced him away. Oh how I need you, oh how I miss you, oh how I love you. I whisper to myself, more strange looks. I shake my head as I leave the carriage and climb the cold stone stairs of the castle. Surrounded by people - and yet all alone.
Just for a moment I faced my life alone, just for a moment all of my nightmares came true, just for a moment my heart was broken in two.
I follow the crowd to the great hall, my heart falling, dry sobs leaving now. Leaving emptiness in their wake. Just for a moment the world was full of pain. There's nothing there anymore. I can't feel anything. I take my seat at the Gryffindor table, watching as the new first years are sorted, listening as the new head boy and girl are called out, a Ravenclaw and a Hufflepuff. The food appears and I gaze at it listlessly, all around me people are chattering. Catching up on each other's summers. Do they notice me? No. Do they ask me about my summer? No. I allow myself a little smile then. What would I say if they did? Yes, thank you. I had a great time. My brother beat the fucking crap out of me. I spent two weeks in hospital after he threw me down the stairs. I broke my arm twice in the same place, and I don't have an inch of my body not covered in bruises. You? A bigger smile now. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I know. But it feels good; it feels… it's better than nothing at all. I raise my head a little as I hear Harry talking about his holiday. He's telling his friend Hermione that the Dursleys took him on holiday. I can hear him whispering that Snuffles joined them. Snuffles? I shook my head slightly. Then I see him, directly opposite me. Why didn't I notice before? He's gazing at me. He hasn't touched his food, hasn't joined in the noisy chatter around us. Oh how I love you I couldn't help myself. Those blue eyes burned into me, questioning, pleading. He wants to help. Don't push him away. But he can't! He can't help! No one can! But maybe… maybe. I can see my hand stretching across the table, see it passing the jug of pumpkin juice, and yet I feel strangely disconnected. I watch as he reaches out and grasps my hand firmly, protectively. It's not pity; it's sorrow, anger, and fear.
Oh how I miss you, Oh how I need you, Oh how I love you.
I find myself smiling gently and watch as he smiles back, gripping my hand tighter.
"Eat," he murmurs.
I shake my head. Not now. Not yet. I feel sick, nauseous, overcome. I want to leave the noise and the rabble, the stink of food and happiness. I wrestle my hand from his grasp and he looks anxious, wondering what he's done wrong. But I smile gently and incline my head as I stand up, asking him to follow.
He reaches for me as we leave the great hall, grabbing my hand, pulling me close. I feel myself enveloped in a comforting hug. I can smell him. Feel him. Touch him. So close. Warmth. Understanding. He holds me tightly as the tears come, freed at last. I know I'm safe; he doesn't pity me.
"I love you," he whispers.
He loves me.
Oh how I love you
He doesn't need me to say it back. Hopefully he knows. Hopefully he understands. I love him with all my heart. I always have. He's what I need now, what I've always needed. I clutch him to me, grasping handfuls of his jumper. He laughs slightly.
"It's okay," he whispers. "You'll be fine now. I'll look after you. Always," he murmurs, gazing at me. Those blue eyes, so blue. How could I have mistaken pity… for love? I allow him to lead me to the Gryffindor common room, he's clutching my hand tightly and I'm still grasping his jumper with one hand. Tears continue to stream down my face. He's gentle. Comforting. Kind. I feel safe now. We reach the common room and he pulls me over to a chair by the fire. He sits and pulls me into his lap. It feels silly and I giggle suddenly. He frowns, and then pulls me closer, crushing him to me in a hug. I wince slightly in pain. But it's good pain - I can feel it. I feel alive. I can feel him stroking my long blonde hair, he rests his cheek on the top of my head and I bury my face in his jumper, still clutching handfuls of it. Warmth. Warmth from the fire. Warmth from Oliver. Understanding. I don't need to tell him anymore. He knows enough. He understands. He wants to help. And if he can't help, he wants to comfort.
I can hear his heart beating slowly, powerfully. He's drifting off to sleep, still clutching me tightly. The others have already been back to the common room and drifted off to bed. We haven't moved from the chair, no one questioned us. I'm calm now, sleepy even. Will I sleep without nightmares? My hand comes to rest over his heart. I can feel the low, rhythmic pounding. I can feel his life coursing through his body.
"The same thing that blew us together might blow us apart. So keep a piece of me precious and close to your heart," I whisper to his jumper. I jump slightly as his hand lifts and comes to rest over my own. I had thought he was asleep. I feel him stir and kiss the top of my head softly.
"I can't," he whispers.
I frown and I'm sure he notices as he laughs softly, the sound rumbling against the side of my face.
"I can't…" he starts again, "because you have my heart."
'Oh how I need you, Oh how I love you,' I whisper to myself, settling myself once more against his warm body. Safe in his comfort, safe in his arms.