[DISCLAIMER: I (sadly) do not own the X-files or any of the characters. They belong to Chris Carter, Fox, and 1013 Productions. So please don't sue me.]
[A large crowd of people has gathered for the Blue and Gold Banquet (it's a Boy Scout thing). MULDER and SCULLY are sitting at a table with their son WILLIAM (who is about to become a Wolf Cub) and some other people. It's almost time for the Ceremony of Lights. The lights start to dim as part of the ceremony. MULDER jumps out of his seat.]
MULDER: Whatever you do, don't take my son!
SCULLY (in attempt to calm him down): It's normal, Mulder. It's part of the Ceremony of Lights.
MULDER: That's what they want you to think.
[Lights come back on. Everyone is staring at MULDER.]
MULDER (as he sits down): Oh. (laughs nervously)
[Lights dim again. MULDER twitches as he fights the urge to leap out of his seat again. The ceremony ends without incident. DOGGETT (who is now Den Leader) goes to the podium]
DOGGETT: Well, I just hope that all of our boys show the same effort as the four young men we just saw. (applause) Thank you. And now, we can eat! Tables 1 and 2 can get in line.
[MULDER glances at their table number, which is 12.]
MULDER: We're never going to get to eat.
SCULLY: What?
MULDER: I said we're never going to get to eat.
SCULLY: I didn't mean that kind of what.
MULDER: Well then what kind of what did you mean?
WILLIAM: What?
SCULLY: He said what kind of what did I mean.
MULDER: No, I said what kind of what did you mean.
SCULLY: What I meant was that you asked me what kind of what I meant.
MULDER: Well, what kind of what did you mean?
WILLIAM: What?!?!?
SCULLY: Let's drop this.
MULDER: Drop what?
SCULLY: The subject.
MULDER: How do you drop a subject?
SCULLY: You stop talking about it.
MULDER (rolls his eyes): But how does it drop?
WILLIAM: What?
SCULLY and MULDER: Don't start that again!
EVERYONE: Okaaaaaaaay.
[Meanwhile, DOGGETT continues calling off table numbers.]
DOGGETT: Tables 12 and 13! Wait, there is no table 13. Table 12!
MULDER (annoyed): But I'm not hungry anymore!
DOGGETT: Does it look like I care?
SCULLY: Both of you stop it.
MULDER and DOGGETT (each pointing at the other): HE started it!
SCULLY: I don't care who started it. (mutters) I feel like a Kindergarten teacher.
MULDER: What?
WILLIAM: Argh! I still don't know what you meant by saying what kind of what did you mean and you're confusing me with more whats!
MULDER (has lost his train of thought): I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.
[Dinner goes on in relative normality. DOGGETT goes up to the podium (again).]
DOGGETT: And now I'd like to introduce Mr. Billie, who will be teaching the boys a song. Mr. Billie?
SCULLY: Um, Doggett, Mr. Billie couldn't make it. I thought he told you that, like, 5 times.
DOGGETT: Oh yeah. So, instead, Mulder and Scully will tell us what it's like to work in the FBI!
MULDER and SCULLY: We will?
DOGGETT (pleading): Please?
MULDER: Why don't you tell them? You work there too.
DOGGETT: Because… Your work is more interesting!
SCULLY: And top secret.
BOY SCOUTS: Ohhhhhhh… Please tell us please please please?
SCULLY: No!
DOGGETT: Please?
MULDER: No!
PARENTS: Please? We're bored.
WILLIAM: How about we all do the Macarena?
EVERYONE: Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Everyone except SCULLY does the Macarena for about 5 minutes. MULDER tries to pull SCULLY to her feet, but she firmly stays seated.]
MULDER: C'mon, Scully, just once.
SCULLY: No. I will never, ever, ever do the Macarena. I will not stoop that low.
MULDER: Please?
SCULLY: Never.
WILLIAM: Please?
SCULLY (puts her hands over her ears): NO.
EVERYONE: PLEASE?
SCULLY (shrieks): NOOOO!
DOGGETT: Party pooper.
SCULLY: Why is everyone trying to get me to do the Macarena?
LANGLY: It's a conspiracy against you.
BYERS: Yeah.
FROHIKE: Will you do the Macarena with me?
SCULLY: NO! I will not do the Macarena at ALL!
MULDER: Really?
SCULLY: Yes.
DOGGETT (while climbing to the podium yet again): Well, it's time for the next thingy on the list anyway.
SCULLY: Yay!
MULDER: Aw, man.
DOGGET: And now, I'd like to introduce Detective White, who will be doing this next thing.
[Detective WHITE walks up to the podium.]
SCULLY (mutters): Not her again!
WHITE: Well, tonight the boys who have fulfilled the requirements for Tiger Cubs, Wolf Cubs and, er, something else will be getting their pins. Yay! Will the Tiger Cubs and their parents please come up?
[MULDER starts to get up, but SCULLY and WILLIAM pull him down in time. SCULLY whispers something to him and his face turns a bit red. Meanwhile, WHITE is presenting parents and children with Tiger Cub pins.]
WHITE: Will the Wolf Cubs and their parents come up?
[MULDER stays in his seat, but SCULLY pulls him up.]
MULDER (whispering to SCULLY): This is confusing me!
SCULLY (whispering back): If you'd pay attention, it wouldn't!
MULDER: Sorry! I get distracted by thoughts of how this could be a government conspiracy!
SCULLY (while rolling her eyes): The Lone Gunmen can figure that out for you!
MULDER: Naw, Frohike's too busy drooling over you to think of anything.
SCULLY: Oh, shut up.
[MULDER, SCULLY, and WILLIAM get on the mini-stage thingy. WHITE gives everyone a pin. SCULLY glares at her when she gives a "look" to MULDER.]
SCULLY (whispering to MULDER): Can I kill her?
MULDER: Uhm… Okay. Just wait until we leave.
WHITE: Kids, pin your parents. Parents, pin your kids.
[Everyone fumbles with the backings and hastily pins the pins on (there's a tongue twister in there somewhere) WILLIAM accidentally sticks MULDER with his.]
MULDER: Ahhh! Ahhh! I'm gonna die! Ahhh! Who let the bee in here? We're all gonna die! Why, why, why?!?
SCULLY: Relax. It was just a pin.
MULDER (embarrassed): Oh. Heh. Never mind.
WILLIAM: Daaaad…
[Everyone is getting ready for the raffle. MULDER pulls out a roll of around 50 tickets. WILLIAM stares openmouthed and looks at his ten tickets in dismay. SCULLY hides a grin behind her hand as she pulls out her own roll of around ten tickets.]
MULDER: I ask you, can they all be losers?
SCULLY: Actually, yes.
MULDER: I meant it rhetorically.
WILLIAM: What's that mean?
MULDER: Shhhh… It's starting.
DOGGETT: The first prize is a blow-up chair and a free dessert at Big Boy!
EVERYONE: Ooohhhh.
DOGGETT: And the winner is… 4460792! 4460792!
KRYCEK: Oh! I won!
MULDER and SCULLY: Krycek?!?!
KRYCEK: Yes, 'tis I! You'll never see the last of me! Mua ha ha ha ha!
MULDER: Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing here?
KRYCEK: My sister [I have no idea if Krycek actually has a sister, and I don't care.] has a son in Cub Scouts. What's it to you?
SCULLY: You know, generally when people say 'What's it to you?' they don't answer.
KRYCEK: Dang. I knew I did something wrong. Oh well, I gotta go get my prize.
MULDER: Oh. Okay. But you know, I'm going to have to question you more about your involvement in the Project.
KYCHEK: Don't worry, you won't find me. I'll be on a plane to Russia by then. But you might find me sneaking around at the airport, and then something else'll happen. Or something.
DOGGETT: Okay! Let's move on! Mr. Krychek, please come get your prize and then we'll have you draw the next ticket.
KRYCEK: Oh, joy.
[KRYCEK pulls a ticket out of the can.]
DOGGET: And the winner of this box of 100 fun-size candy bars is… 4460164! 4460164!
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN: Oh (cough) yay! (cough) I (cough) won! (cough)(cough)
WILLIAM: Darn! I wanted to win that!
MULDER and SCULLY: It's the Cigarette-Smoking Man!
CSM: Who (cough) were you (cough) expecting after Krycek showed (cough cough) up? (cough) Skinner?
SKINNER: Hey, I AM here!
MULDER: This is creeping me out.
SCULLY: Yeah, me too.
MULDER: Let's leave.
WILLIAM: But I wanted to see if I won the bike!
MULDER: Oh, okay.
[CSM goes on the stage thingy and grabs the box of candy bars. He has a coughing fit, and then grabs another ticket.]
DOGGETT: And the winner of a lifetime supply of sunflower seeds is…
MULDER (while crossing fingers): Please, please, please…
DOGGETT: 4461123! 4461123!
MULDER: YAY! I won! I won! IWONIWONIWONIWON!
SCULLY: Okay, we get it. You can go get your prize now.
MULDER: Aren't you happy?
SCULLY: I couldn't be happier. What could be better than a lifetime of picking sunflower seed shells out of the carpet?
MULDER: Oh. Okay. For a second I thought you were irritated.
SCULLY: Oh, no, Mulder. I couldn't be happier.
[MULDER picks another ticket and goes back to his seat while grinning his face off. SCULLY is a bit irritated that he didn't catch her sarcasm. The raffle goes on without incident (WILLIAM won some M&M's), and then the last thing, the bike, is about to be raffled off.]
DOGGETT: Only Boy/Cub Scouts can win the bike, so will they all please come up to the front of the… er… stage?
[WILLIAM and the other Scouts go to the front of the stage thingy.]
DOGGETT: Annnd… The winner iiiiis… um. I can't read this. I guess no one gets the bike.
MULDER: What?!? We must figure out who the winner is! Gimme that! (grabs paper from DOGGETT) C'mon, Scully, let's go to the lab thingy!
SCULLY: Mulder, you're going a little overboard. Let's just leave and pretend this never happened.
MULDER: Except for the sunflower seeds.
SCULLY (rolling her eyes): Sure, Mulder, except for the sunflower seeds.
[Everyone leaves except KRYCEK and CSM, who remain, talking in low voices.]
KRYCEK: Who really won the bike?
CSM: Do you (cough) want to know (cough) that, Alex? Do (cough) you really?
KRYCEK: Yes.
CSM (in a singsong voice): Well I (cough) won't tell you! Ha (cough) ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
KRYCEK (while pulling out a gun): TELL ME!
CSM: Are (cough) you going to (cough) shoot me, (cough) Alex? Are you (cough) really?
KRYCEK: Yes.
CSM: You'll never (cough) know the (cough) truth (cough) if you shoot (cough) me.
KRYCEK (while fingering the trigger): I know, but it'll be so satisfying.
CSM (now worried): You don't (cough) want to shoot me, (cough) Alex! You (cough) really don't!
KRYCEK: Says who?
CSM (looking pleadingly off-screen): The (cough) writer?
JAENIE: Hey, I never said that!
KRYCEK (speaking to someone off-screen): Does that mean I can shoot him?
JAENIE: I guess.
KRYCEK (surprised): I thought you hated me!
JAENIE: Yeah, but he's even worse (snickers under her breath) NOT!
KRYCEK: Oh, yay! This is the best moment of my life! (shoots CSM)
[MULDER and SCULLY choose this moment to walk back in, because MULDER forgot his sunflower seeds. Much to SCULLY's disappointment, however, he remembered after they got home.]
SCULLY: Hey, it's Krycek!
MULDER: Look, he killed the Cigarette-Smoking Man!
SCULLY: We caught him red-handed!
MULDER: We can finally get him in prison forever, where we will make sure he dies a slow, painful death!
KRYCEK (disappointed): I guess she really does hate me…
[SCULLY drags KRYCEK off-screen in handcuffs, while MULDER grabs his sunflower seeds (again, much to SCULLY's disappointment)]
THE END!