Chapter 2.
Like it? Hate it? So what. I just wrote it to torture the poor poor fellowship...read if you dare, review if you like.
Pippin sighed. The day was not going well. Legolas had found a split end and, though he had stopped screaming and flailing, was even now curled up in a ball sucking his thumb and whimpering. It had started out a fairly normal day, with only two or three stubbed toes, when Legolas, who was examining his hair boredly, (not that he thought examining his hair was ever boring) had suddenly let out a piercing screech.
"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!" (jumping and flailing)
"What is it, Loaglaitabf?" said Frodo.
"A SPLIT END! MY LIFE IS OOOOOOOOOOVERRRRRRRR!!!"
Legolas suddenly jumped up. "I have it!" he said, a murderous look on his elfie face. "Harumph! What?" said Gandalf. Legolas walked over to Frodo, who was grinning off into space, and picked him up. "YOU. You caused a split end!" He was shaking violently. Frodo giggled. "You will DIE!" He started to whip out his dagger, until Gandalf threw his staff like a javelin and knocked Frodo out of the elf's grasp.
Frodo rolled and rolled, squealing and giggling. Gimli and Boromir, who had never encountered hobbits before stared in incredulous disbelief. "Harumph! I missed," mumbled Gandalf. Frodo had snuck back up behind Legolas with a knife. With a swift move, he carved a chunk of hair off of the elf's head. Legolas whirled around. He saw the chunk of hair in the hobbit's hand as he waved it at the elf and grinned.
"Look, Lavaloob, pretty pretty!" The hobbit placed the hair on top of his head and danced and laughed.
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!! NOOOOOOOO!!!" The elf fell to the ground and clawed the dirt. Then he looked up at the hobbit, and murder was in his eyes.
"Ooh, shiny!" squealed Frodo. Legolas desperately tried to cover his eyes, but the hobbit had taken hold of his left eyelid.
"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!" shrieked the elf. (Hee hee, this is more fun than I thought!)
"Hey!" shouted Merry. "Harvey wants to play too!" He grabbed onto Frodo's feet. Sam grinned and grabbed Merry's feet. Gimli grabbed Sam's feet to try to pull him off. Boromir grabbed Gimli's feet. Soon the entire fellowship was hanging off of Legolas's eyelid, and pulling as hard as they could. Finally, Frodo's grip loosened, and everyone tumbled to the ground. Legolas's eyelid now drooped below his jawline, and he ran off screaming to soak it in the river.
Frodo giggled and bounced on top of the pile of men. He was undisturbed for about half a second, then it exploded in a rush of fury (and stupidity).
"Legolas sure is funny," said Merry rubbing the back of his head. "Harvey says that it's because he's an elf."
Legolas came back. His eyelid was back to it's normal place, save that it twiched as he looked at Frodo. (Elf skin is very resiliant, I'm told.) The hobbit grinned and waved. He looked from the elf to Sam and back. Sam grinned at Frodo and Legolas. Legolas curled his lip and flared his nostrils and stalked to the edge of camp, as far away from the hobbits as may be.
"What manner of creatures are these hobbits?" said Boromir to Gandalf, because instead of having brains he accented every single syllable.
"Harumph! You've seen the jist of it," muttered the wizard.
Legolas screamed. For just at that moment, Frodo, unnoticed because the elf was inspecting his face in his sword, had walked up to Legolas and had grabbed his hair again. The elf desperately cut the rest of his hair off and ran wailing. Frodo squealed. "Look, Plappin! Pretty hair!" he placed it on Pippin's head and laughed. Pippin shuddered, took the hair off, and put his arm around Frodo's shoulder.
"Frodo, you know that elves are very proud of their physical appearance?" Frodo grinned. "And they are immortal?" He searched Frodo's eyes for some sign of recognition.
Frodo grinned. "What?" he said. Pippin gritted his teeth. "They never die."
Frodo's eyes as big as, well, big round blue things, widened. "Even after breakfast?"
Pippin twitched. "Even after second breakfast." Frodo's jaw dropped. "Elevenses?" he whispered. Pippin shook his head, unable to speak. "Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper?!? Um, snack, second snack, uh..."
"Never," croaked Pippin.
"Wow!" said Frodo grinning. "I wanna be an elf! Make me an elf, Pappin!"
"I can't do that, Frodo! I'm just a hobbit. ANYWAY, like I was saying, elves never die, and they are very proud of their looks. Which means, if you get them dirty, or in your case make them lose all their hair," he gestured at the whimpering Legolas, "They, oh drat. Never mind. You're hopeless." He walked off with his head in his hands. Frodo walked up to Legolas. The elf whimpered. "Noo..."
"Hey, Logalurp, do you know that elves never die, even after breakfast?" Legolas edged away whimpering and crying softly.
"Don't cry!" said Frodo, patting the elf. "I'll sing you Gapflak's favorite walking song!
Harumphing we will go,
harumphing we will go,
hi ho the derry-o
harumphing we will go.
It's funny, isn't it? Let's all sing together! Hey, Sram! Pkoppin! Mooky! Want me to teach you the words, Lofalook? Hey, Garflan, Wimmy, Vorobir, Srtojer! We're going to sing a song!" He jumped up and down excitedly.
"Ooh, does Harvey have a solo?" said Sam grinning.
Gandalf harumphed and looked at his staff. He swung it several times like a baseball bat, and then sent Frodo about a mile back the way they had came. "Wheeeeeee!!"
"Ooohh!" squealed Sam and Merry. "Me next! Me next!" Which was just what the wizard was hoping. The rest of the companions walked on in comparative peace for a while, until suddenly, three hobbits jumped up from behind a rock.
"Harumph!" they shouted, then giggled uncontrollably. The fellowship walked on, accompanied by three voices chattering unceasingly.
"Harvey, stop stepping on my foot..."
"So then Flapm, Parpin says elves never eat breakfast when they die..."
"Who made Legolas cry? Whoever did it is bad bad bad bad..."
That night, camping, while the hobbits went to sleep, the rest stayed up talking after walking for about an hour away from them.
"Hey Gimli, what do you want to be when you grow up?" said Boromir.
Gimli stared at him. "What?"
"Why is everyone staying so far away from me?" said Aragorn.
"Harumph! Don't say far away, say 'upwind'." said Gandalf. "What are the chances of you taking a bath on this trip?"
"About a googleplex to one," muttered Pippin. "Hey, where did Legolas go?"
Meanwhile, at Isengard, the evil Saruman was sending his evil orcs on an evil mission.
"Bring me Harvey, alive. You can eat the rest." He waved his evil hand. "Go on, then, but remember what I said!" He shook an evilly clawed finger at them. "Harvey is wise and terrible beyond comprehension, and he'll eat you if you kill him!"
"Doi, ok boss. What's a Harvey?"
Arwen is in Rivendell, daydreaming of Aragorn. Elrond walks up.
"You don't really want to marry that loser, do you?" He pulls a jump rope out of nowhere and starts jumping.
"Of course I do, daddy! I gave him my necklace, didn't I?"
Elrond sighs. "And it's the only clean thing about him..." Draws a hopscotch pattern on the ground and they start competing.
Arwen skips around. "Lalalala, lala, I'm getting maaaarrieeed, lala..."
"Don't you want to go to the havens? It's green, and pretty, and no dirt...how you of all people could fall in love with the filthiest person on the face of the planet..." He falls over.
"But he's gonna be the king of Gondor!"
"Yes, I can see it now. All hail His Stinkiness! His Royal Reeks-To-High-Heaveness!" He pulls that hula hoop out and twirls it.
"Ohh, daddEEEEEEE!!!" she pouts and goes to sit down.
Elrond stands on his head. "If you marry him, you'll die you know."
"What about breakfast?"
Elrond's face grew unusually thoughtful. Unusually thoughtful, because he usually never thought. After a moment he realizes that it's an inside joke and resumes his morbid chatter.
"Yep, you'll die, and rot, and get eaten by worms..."
"Worms? WORMS?? Get outta my way! When's the next ship leaving?
Elrond smirked. His plan had worked, for once.
Like it? Hate it? So what. I just wrote it to torture the poor poor fellowship...read if you dare, review if you like.
Pippin sighed. The day was not going well. Legolas had found a split end and, though he had stopped screaming and flailing, was even now curled up in a ball sucking his thumb and whimpering. It had started out a fairly normal day, with only two or three stubbed toes, when Legolas, who was examining his hair boredly, (not that he thought examining his hair was ever boring) had suddenly let out a piercing screech.
"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!" (jumping and flailing)
"What is it, Loaglaitabf?" said Frodo.
"A SPLIT END! MY LIFE IS OOOOOOOOOOVERRRRRRRR!!!"
Legolas suddenly jumped up. "I have it!" he said, a murderous look on his elfie face. "Harumph! What?" said Gandalf. Legolas walked over to Frodo, who was grinning off into space, and picked him up. "YOU. You caused a split end!" He was shaking violently. Frodo giggled. "You will DIE!" He started to whip out his dagger, until Gandalf threw his staff like a javelin and knocked Frodo out of the elf's grasp.
Frodo rolled and rolled, squealing and giggling. Gimli and Boromir, who had never encountered hobbits before stared in incredulous disbelief. "Harumph! I missed," mumbled Gandalf. Frodo had snuck back up behind Legolas with a knife. With a swift move, he carved a chunk of hair off of the elf's head. Legolas whirled around. He saw the chunk of hair in the hobbit's hand as he waved it at the elf and grinned.
"Look, Lavaloob, pretty pretty!" The hobbit placed the hair on top of his head and danced and laughed.
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!! NOOOOOOOO!!!" The elf fell to the ground and clawed the dirt. Then he looked up at the hobbit, and murder was in his eyes.
"Ooh, shiny!" squealed Frodo. Legolas desperately tried to cover his eyes, but the hobbit had taken hold of his left eyelid.
"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!" shrieked the elf. (Hee hee, this is more fun than I thought!)
"Hey!" shouted Merry. "Harvey wants to play too!" He grabbed onto Frodo's feet. Sam grinned and grabbed Merry's feet. Gimli grabbed Sam's feet to try to pull him off. Boromir grabbed Gimli's feet. Soon the entire fellowship was hanging off of Legolas's eyelid, and pulling as hard as they could. Finally, Frodo's grip loosened, and everyone tumbled to the ground. Legolas's eyelid now drooped below his jawline, and he ran off screaming to soak it in the river.
Frodo giggled and bounced on top of the pile of men. He was undisturbed for about half a second, then it exploded in a rush of fury (and stupidity).
"Legolas sure is funny," said Merry rubbing the back of his head. "Harvey says that it's because he's an elf."
Legolas came back. His eyelid was back to it's normal place, save that it twiched as he looked at Frodo. (Elf skin is very resiliant, I'm told.) The hobbit grinned and waved. He looked from the elf to Sam and back. Sam grinned at Frodo and Legolas. Legolas curled his lip and flared his nostrils and stalked to the edge of camp, as far away from the hobbits as may be.
"What manner of creatures are these hobbits?" said Boromir to Gandalf, because instead of having brains he accented every single syllable.
"Harumph! You've seen the jist of it," muttered the wizard.
Legolas screamed. For just at that moment, Frodo, unnoticed because the elf was inspecting his face in his sword, had walked up to Legolas and had grabbed his hair again. The elf desperately cut the rest of his hair off and ran wailing. Frodo squealed. "Look, Plappin! Pretty hair!" he placed it on Pippin's head and laughed. Pippin shuddered, took the hair off, and put his arm around Frodo's shoulder.
"Frodo, you know that elves are very proud of their physical appearance?" Frodo grinned. "And they are immortal?" He searched Frodo's eyes for some sign of recognition.
Frodo grinned. "What?" he said. Pippin gritted his teeth. "They never die."
Frodo's eyes as big as, well, big round blue things, widened. "Even after breakfast?"
Pippin twitched. "Even after second breakfast." Frodo's jaw dropped. "Elevenses?" he whispered. Pippin shook his head, unable to speak. "Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper?!? Um, snack, second snack, uh..."
"Never," croaked Pippin.
"Wow!" said Frodo grinning. "I wanna be an elf! Make me an elf, Pappin!"
"I can't do that, Frodo! I'm just a hobbit. ANYWAY, like I was saying, elves never die, and they are very proud of their looks. Which means, if you get them dirty, or in your case make them lose all their hair," he gestured at the whimpering Legolas, "They, oh drat. Never mind. You're hopeless." He walked off with his head in his hands. Frodo walked up to Legolas. The elf whimpered. "Noo..."
"Hey, Logalurp, do you know that elves never die, even after breakfast?" Legolas edged away whimpering and crying softly.
"Don't cry!" said Frodo, patting the elf. "I'll sing you Gapflak's favorite walking song!
Harumphing we will go,
harumphing we will go,
hi ho the derry-o
harumphing we will go.
It's funny, isn't it? Let's all sing together! Hey, Sram! Pkoppin! Mooky! Want me to teach you the words, Lofalook? Hey, Garflan, Wimmy, Vorobir, Srtojer! We're going to sing a song!" He jumped up and down excitedly.
"Ooh, does Harvey have a solo?" said Sam grinning.
Gandalf harumphed and looked at his staff. He swung it several times like a baseball bat, and then sent Frodo about a mile back the way they had came. "Wheeeeeee!!"
"Ooohh!" squealed Sam and Merry. "Me next! Me next!" Which was just what the wizard was hoping. The rest of the companions walked on in comparative peace for a while, until suddenly, three hobbits jumped up from behind a rock.
"Harumph!" they shouted, then giggled uncontrollably. The fellowship walked on, accompanied by three voices chattering unceasingly.
"Harvey, stop stepping on my foot..."
"So then Flapm, Parpin says elves never eat breakfast when they die..."
"Who made Legolas cry? Whoever did it is bad bad bad bad..."
That night, camping, while the hobbits went to sleep, the rest stayed up talking after walking for about an hour away from them.
"Hey Gimli, what do you want to be when you grow up?" said Boromir.
Gimli stared at him. "What?"
"Why is everyone staying so far away from me?" said Aragorn.
"Harumph! Don't say far away, say 'upwind'." said Gandalf. "What are the chances of you taking a bath on this trip?"
"About a googleplex to one," muttered Pippin. "Hey, where did Legolas go?"
Meanwhile, at Isengard, the evil Saruman was sending his evil orcs on an evil mission.
"Bring me Harvey, alive. You can eat the rest." He waved his evil hand. "Go on, then, but remember what I said!" He shook an evilly clawed finger at them. "Harvey is wise and terrible beyond comprehension, and he'll eat you if you kill him!"
"Doi, ok boss. What's a Harvey?"
Arwen is in Rivendell, daydreaming of Aragorn. Elrond walks up.
"You don't really want to marry that loser, do you?" He pulls a jump rope out of nowhere and starts jumping.
"Of course I do, daddy! I gave him my necklace, didn't I?"
Elrond sighs. "And it's the only clean thing about him..." Draws a hopscotch pattern on the ground and they start competing.
Arwen skips around. "Lalalala, lala, I'm getting maaaarrieeed, lala..."
"Don't you want to go to the havens? It's green, and pretty, and no dirt...how you of all people could fall in love with the filthiest person on the face of the planet..." He falls over.
"But he's gonna be the king of Gondor!"
"Yes, I can see it now. All hail His Stinkiness! His Royal Reeks-To-High-Heaveness!" He pulls that hula hoop out and twirls it.
"Ohh, daddEEEEEEE!!!" she pouts and goes to sit down.
Elrond stands on his head. "If you marry him, you'll die you know."
"What about breakfast?"
Elrond's face grew unusually thoughtful. Unusually thoughtful, because he usually never thought. After a moment he realizes that it's an inside joke and resumes his morbid chatter.
"Yep, you'll die, and rot, and get eaten by worms..."
"Worms? WORMS?? Get outta my way! When's the next ship leaving?
Elrond smirked. His plan had worked, for once.