Lately
Yeah, I know, I should be working on one of my series, but I woke up with this idea in my head cuz I heard this song on the radio last night…and I don't even know where the idea came from other than that, but I just had to get it down…so here it is. It's from Chandler's POV, and I don't think I'm very good at the first-person-present-tense thing, I've only done it once in a fic before, but it fit for this. And when it takes place will eventually be revealed…or you'll figure it out, which ever comes first. I don't own the characters, any lines from the show, or the song, which is "Lately (Been Dreamin' 'Bout babies)" sung by Tracy Byrd…yeah, I'm going through a country phase…actually, I've been going back and forth between country and punk lately…someone figure that one out, lol.
For the longest time ever, the one thing in life that I truly feared was commitment. And by commitment, I mean commitment to anything. Commitment to a woman, commitment to a relationship, hell, commitment to what I was going to eat for lunch the next day. The word even scared the crap out of me. And I know there's that quote about "the only thing to fear is fear itself…" Well, that guy obviously had happy parents. And had never seen Lord of the Dance. But commitment…it just…freaked me out. You know, heart-racing, palms sweating, all that good stuff…
But then she came along.
My fears didn't just disappear when it came to her, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure every single doubt and fear I have resurfaced. And I still had that heart-racing, palms sweating thing going on…but for once in my life...it felt good. And I had it good. She gave me my time and space to sort out all of my relationship-commitment crap, and I gave her my heart. God, she had my heart from the start. And I am starting to sound incredibly corny, and the rhyming thing seriously doesn't help…But, god, it's the truth.
But then, I started thinking. Thinking about everything, really…and I realized that I was already doing everything I had feared, we just hadn't walked down the aisle and said 'I do' yet. Yet. I added the word 'yet' when I was thinking that. I remember that. It may seem trivial and minor, but it was a big step for me, wanting a future…And suddenly, I could picture it all. The second that Hellen…Helga…Hildi…whatever her name was, it started with an 'h,' but the second that she showed us that museum where Monica had put our names down at, I could see it all. Maybe not in quite as much detail as a girl would because I could care less what kind of flowers there are and what color the bridesmaids' dresses are, but I could see it.
And, most importantly, I could see her.
Forever.
I used to think I had it made
Every time we said goodnight
This little dating game we've played
Has always seemed to feel all right
I've had my privacy and your heart on a string
And it's never been my style to ruin a good thing
Oh, but lately
I've been thinkin' 'bout a change of plans
Maybe get a couple wedding bands
And do something crazy
So, I conquered my fear of commitment and marriage, and blah, blah, blah. But there was still one thing that terrified me. Babies. Not that babies actually scared me, I mean, they weigh like ten pounds and you can hold onto them, there's nothing that scary about that. But of me having a baby. That thought scared the bejesus out of me. I mean, me. Responsible. For another human being. It just…how is that not scary?
But then the other night…I have this dream, right? And Monica's pregnant, and she's scared to death that I'm gonna freak out and go all Chandler on her…But the thing is, I don't. I'm happy. And excited. And then I wake up, and she's laying there next to me, and I just watch her sleep for a few minutes…Her hair's all messed up, and she's wearing one of my old shirts that's way too big on her…and all I can think is how gorgeous she is. And then I think back to my dream…and after awhile, I start to think that maybe, just maybe, it's not that scary. And that's been her dream forever, she's wanted it forever…And then I start to think that maybe…maybe it's my dream, too.
Maybe get a piece of land and see
If we can start a little family tree
Well, I don't know what's gotten into me
But I've been dreamin' 'bout babies
I am still scared to death, though. It's just that now it's more scared in a good way, if that makes any sense at all. I'm scared that I'm gonna mess up. I mean, just look at me. And I know, I know, that if a parent's screwed up, then it's gonna screw the kid up. Come on, look at my parents, and then look at me. And I don't see how I wouldn't screw up. And Monica and I are good together…really good together…especially the sex…and the kissing…I'd never gotten why girls like the kissing so much, but I really like kissing her…but that's not the point. We're good together, but what if…
God, I hate to even think of the 'what if.' But who actually stays together? I mean, look at my parents, look at Ross…look at Ross and Rachel. Now, that's bound to screw up a kid. We were on a break, no we weren't, on-again, off-again… that situation just begs "therapy for the rest of my life, please." I mean, she's not even born yet, and she's my niece, and I love her…but that situation can't produce a kid any less screwed up than yours truly. And by yours truly, I mean me. But back to my point…It seems like no one ever stays together anymore. Don't get me wrong or misunderstand me or anything, I love Monica with everything that I am, hell, she is everything that I am…but I can't help but be scared…
The other day, I was eating lunch at some restaurant, and this kid, he couldn't have been more than two or three, spills this glass of water that's sitting on the table. He gets all upset about it and starts crying…But then his dad comes over and scoops him into his arms and says a few things and makes it all better. And then the little boy looks up at him and says 'Daddy, I love you,' it was barely decipherable, but judging by his dad's grin in response and 'I love you, too,' I'm pretty sure that that's what he said.
And then when Monica and Phoebe went shopping for presents for Rachel's baby shower, they bought these teeny, tiny little tennis shoes, and they were so cute and small that you'd swear no human of any size would be able to wear them…but they were like the cutest things ever. And, by the way, I do believe that somewhere in the middle of those last two stories, I lost my testicles…
But then that was the night that I had the dream. The one about Monica being pregnant…And that's when I realized that I wanted it, too. The 'Daddy, I love you,' the little, pink Adidas tennis shoes…all of it.
I know it can be hard these days
To be a family man
I know that all the experts say
"You need to live life while you can"
I've hear psychology on what makes "true love" true
And I've read the books on educated points of view
Oh, but lately,
I've been listenin' more to Dr. Seuss
Readin' up on Mother Goose
Seems she's quite a lady
I've been seein' lots of pinks and blues
An' hearin' "Goodnight, Daddy, I love you"'s
Yeah, I've been dreamin' 'bout babies
The thing is, is I can see it all. And I want it all. The big house in the suburbs with the white picket fence, the swing set in the backyard, the bike with the training wheels in the driveway…the whole nine yards. Hell, we'll go for 10 or 12 yards and sell the Porsche and buy a minivan. Good god, call the…I'm not sure who you're gonna call…ghostbusters…sorry, force of habit…but this is, like, headline news. Chandler Bing thinking about the future.
And I'm not scared.
I want it.
I used to dream of fancy foreign cars
And black tie affairs
And how we'd live in separate condos
While we climbed the golden stairs
Oh, but lately,
I've been thinkin' that it makes more sense
To build a house with a picket fence
Forget the Mercedes
Get some puppy-dogs and trainin' wheels
And a family Oldsmobile…
"Oh, good god. If you want a baby so bad, just go take it!" At the sound of Monica's voice, my head snaps up, and, seeing the look the nurse who was in with the babies gave me, I motion for Monica to come with me as I move away. "What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?"
I smile. God, she's so right. Since when…
"I'm not crazy about babies…I'm crazy about us."
Monica grins, causing me to smile bigger. I've never been one of those guys who always says all the right things, but with her it just comes out right. Or usually anyway. "What?"
Taking a deep breath, I look up at her. I haven't told her what I've been thinking lately…but this is the chance to. "Look, we always talked about having babies someday, and I'm not saying it has to be right now, but I'm starting to think that we can handle it," I say softly. She's never pressured me, and I'm not about to pressure her. "We're good," I pause slightly, taking a step toward her. "We're really good."
"We are pretty good…"
"But nothing has to happen till you're ready," I look her in the eye.
"Well, maybe I'm ready. I mean, it's a little scary, but…maybe it's right…"
"What? It's not right! We're not ready to have a kid now!" I take a step back, doing the only Chandler-esque thing there is to do and freaking out.
"What?"
"I'm kidding. This is gonna be fun," I break into a grin to show that I'm only kidding.
"So…we're gonna try?" Monica steps toward me, wrapping her arms around my neck. "I mean, we're trying?"
I can't help but to grin at that. "We're trying to get pregnant," I repeat, and, god, does it feel good to say that out loud.
And the scariest thing is…it doesn't feel scary.
It feels…good. Right.
It feels right.
I can't believe just how good it feels
To be dreamin' 'bout babies
I can't believe how good it feels, no
"Lately" (written by Bob Carlisle)
I just had to write this, it's been going trough my head all day. So there it is…whoever said they liked my mushy-rambling fics can be blamed for this…but please review, thanks :-D