Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and
owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to
Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros.,
Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is
intended.
Awaken Me By Evenstar496
Chapter 5
"In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lovers past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes, and so it goes And so will you soon I suppose" -Billy Joel (yes, again)
Remus awoke in the pallor of early morning sunlight. It cast the room in a stark, depressing sterility.
Or perhaps that was just how Remus perceived it. His mind had become a weighty, unwanted instrument and suddenly everything appeared stark and depressing - and dangerous - to him.
He glanced down at Hermione, nestled happily in his arms. She was pressed to his side, her leg slung across his thighs, her arm extended across his belly, her hand lightly clutching him. He desperately searched her for some terrible flaw - something he'd overlooked in his frantic passion. Just a mar or deformity or asymmetry - a loophole through which he could legitimately nullify the reckless abandon and overwhelming emotion he'd exhibited to her. Anything. Perhaps the dim glow of the moon had accentuated only her attractive qualities and obscured her imperfections. But much to Remus' disappointment, he found she was no less striking in the revealing glare of daylight than in the soft shadows of night.
His reality was accurate and inescapable.
Thus, in rapid-motion flashes, his mind replayed the previous evening's events. His recollections were vivid and precise and they made his stomach lurch violently.
**No -
She's seen too much. She's come too close to all the bruises and broken bones - the ones that never healed - the ones that scream out in agony when they're mishandled - the ones I've managed to conceal - sometimes even forget.
The need, the weakness, the vulnerability, the emotion - She caught a glimpse of it all - I knew it - I let her -
God, it just seemed natural - I didn't even think about it - She's so like me, she almost seems a part of me -
What she does to me - her penetration of my soul is deep and effortless.
If I continue-if I let her all the way in and show her every bit of me - she'll want me all the more, she'll set out to heal my wounds with her unrelenting devotion.
And I'll love her for it - along with so many other things.
I'll love her, damn it. There's not a question in my mind -hell, I could love her in my sleep.
And that's when it becomes a problem.
I'll want her with me all the time. I'll crave her as an oasis in the desert when she's away. I'll trust her fidelity and believe her promises of forever. I'll grow strong - secure and confident in myself and her love. Her integration into my soul will be complete. She will inhabit my brain and flow through my veins.**
**And for all those reasons, she terrifies me,** he fretted, carefully disengaging himself from Hermione and climbing off the desk. **I fear, if the worst were to happen, she would break me so completely I'd be shattered beyond repair.**
As he searched the classroom for his clothes, guilt and shame joined with fear to create a dark trilogy of despair in his mind. Hermione had trusted him as a professor, a mentor, and he'd overstepped his bounds in the worst way. What kind of a teacher took advantage of his position in such a blatant manner?
He dressed quietly, grimly, his emotions mad with confusion. Wants, needs, fears, obligations all rioted and collided within him.
**Last night was one hell of an evening - never felt anything quite like it in my life -
Which is why I MUST forget it -
--Because I know - I've experienced it - emotions of that intensity can turn in a heartbeat and cut you when you're not looking.**
Hermione, feeling gradually chillier in Remus' absence, awoke with a start when she realized he was no longer beside her. Sitting up with a bolt, she eyed him standing by the door fixing his shirt and throwing on his robes. She drew her knees to her chest and beamed at him.
"Morning all ready? I hated to see last night end."
Remus smiled uncomfortably.
"You should get dressed, Hermione."
He gathered up her clothes and handed them to her. She took them hesitantly, a look of concern on her face.
"Is everything all right?" she asked.
He studied her distractedly for a moment and then replied tersely, "Of course. It's just best that we try to get out of here as soon as possible."
He paused.
"I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel quite hungry," he added as an afterthought, trying to amend the brisk tone of his previous statement.
"Yes, I am rather famished," she concurred as she pulled on her uniform. "Although after last night it's no wonder."
A wicked smile curved across her face.
Remus' body stiffened and he anxiously cleared his throat.
"Hopefully the locks have been undone by now," he said, moving toward the door and tugging the handle. The door opened easily and he sighed in relief.
"Well, that's much better. Free at last, right?" Remus said cheerfully.
Hermione looked slightly wounded by the remark. A twinge of regret struck Remus and he inwardly cursed himself for having been so callous.
**Please tell me that what I think is happening isn't really happening,** Hermione groaned internally, hovering on the verge of alarm.
She strode over and leaned into him cozily, reaching up to kiss him. For a moment, Remus lost himself in emotion. His body went hot and began to soften, drifting toward her.
**Yes, Hermione - I want to pull you against my body and feel every part of you against every part of me. I want to feel the sweet softness of your lips glide across mine, the heat that surges between us when we drag our tongues against each other - Yes - Let's give ourselves to one another all over again - I want you, beautiful gir-**
He became aware of his actions and nervously edged away.
Hermione stared at him, her eyes cloudy with confusion.
"Hermione, we can't continue this behavior," he said firmly. "It's totally inappropriate. I'm your professor. I'm old enough to be your father. I cannot be your lover."
Hermione glared at him defiantly but said nothing. Remus resumed his internal struggle. It destroyed him to behave as if the passion and vitality between them never existed. His remorse was twofold with the knowledge that he was hurting Hermione - and after she'd only just been hurt by Harry. He knew he would do almost anything in the world to keep her from pain. Almost. His fear proved greater than his allegiance to Hermione. And it certainly terrified him to have her so near, to gaze into her eyes and see his own future - his very life - reflected so precariously in her chestnut-colored pupils.
"Please, Hermione, you did nothing wrong," he said, taking her hand tenderly. She pulled it away hastily, her features rigid with resentment.
"I'm well aware I did nothing wrong," she snapped. "In fact, I apparently did something quite right, because you're beside yourself with fear all of a sudden."
Remus shook his head in disagreement but somehow couldn't speak to defend himself.
"I scare you," she continued, talking rapidly and with ferocity. "I make you feel something you haven't felt in years - something you can't handle because you've hidden from it for so long. I remember every word you said last night. You should know by now I don't need anything spelled out for me in order to understand the big picture. You don't let people in. You don't show them who you are. You hide behind this kindly, concerned, outgoing 'Professor Lupin' façade. That way you don't have to get too close. Your involvement in other people's lives can be friendly, but superficial."
She approached him until the toes of their shoes squeaked against each other. Fixing her blazing eyes on his, she spoke slowly, softly, and precisely.
"But you wanted to let me in. You wanted to let me see everything. That scares the hell out of you, doesn't it? So now you have to wall yourself back in again and hide from me.. I've thought many things about you, Remus - most of them extremely flattering. But I never, ever thought you were a coward!"
**But I am a coward, Hermione - I'm a coward and a liar and a selfish bastard - I want to love you - and I could - but I won't because I don't want to suffer - I'm not strong enough for you, Hermione - I'm just a bloody coward -**
"I understand what you're saying, Hermione, but it's not in good taste for a professor to be with one of his students," Remus replied quite calmly, skirting every one of Hermione's accusations as if he hadn't actually heard a word she'd said. Softly returning her stare, he spoke in pleasant, measured tones, giving Hermione the impression she was being spoken to as a child. "You could be expelled if it were to get out. I could be fired. And Dumbledore would surely endure a great deal of criticism. He hired me once despite the advice of many important people. Then he welcomed me back again against the wishes of parents and professors. He has given me so many chances. It would be terribly disrespectful to pay back his generosity by carrying on with one of his students. Ending this now is best for everyone."
Hermione stared at Remus intently.
"Please. I'm not an imbecile. This has NOTHING to do with Hogwarts or Dumbledore or you getting fired or me expelled. You know it. I know it. And while were at it, don't tell me you don't have feelings for me. Don't tell me that you aren't attracted to me - that at least a part of you didn't want what happened last night. And that you wouldn't like it to happen again. I saw the sincerity in your eyes when you spoke to me. I heard you repeat my name over and over again, like a mantra, when you came. You can't shut that off so easily, no matter what you say or do."
Spurred by her comments, the images returned to Remus' mind. He remembered - with amazing clarity - the surge of climax passing through him for the first time that night.
**Oh yes - the sweet, sweet fire that burned through every inch of my body - most amazing thing I've felt in probably 15, 16 years, maybe ever - my mind quieted for just that short bit of time and my body shook like mad with those delicious spasms - It felt like an earthbound sort of weightlessness - I n fact, for a moment there, I started to think my body had become so light and alive that I might be able to fly away - but I didn't, and thank god because there she was in the midst of it all, the source of this unbelievable rapture, writhing with my passion - and I didn't need to fly away - there was nothing anywhere else that I wanted - no, all that I wanted was lying beneath me, her woman-child face wet with perspiration, her lower lip crushed between her teeth in the power of her orgasm - that was all I wanted to see, all I could see as I climaxed - climaxed like my soul was breaking free from my body - just gazing at her and moaning her name as if I'd found the meaning of life and it was her - the meaning of life - Hermione, Hermione, Hermione - but it can't happen- **
Remus wavered slightly and sighed, "How I feel and what I want doesn't matter. I have certain responsibilities and one of them is looking out for your best interest."
He regarded her sadly, his voice softening, "I have to do what's right, Hermione, and sometimes that means denying yourself the things you want."
Crossing her arms tightly, Hermione fought back the growing moisture in her eyes and the burning in her throat. She had resolved not to cry. Not in front of Remus, at least. To her surprise, this betrayal of Remus' pained her far more Harry's rejection had -- how or why she wasn't sure. She felt cheated, robbed so unfairly of an exquisite, breathtaking awareness of life.
**Damn it, Remus - How could you?
You lead me into utopia and then you push me out as my lungs are adjusting to the air -
What right do you have to use me like that?
None -
But I pity you Remus, you sad, sad bastard - You'll never have a clue how completely a woman could love you - how I could love you-**
"That cage you're in, Remus - you built it. You locked yourself in it. And you're the only person who's keeping you there," she said with a calm intensity. "You're looking freedom right in the face and you're turning it away because you'd rather be a prisoner to your damned fears than take a chance on living life the way it's meant to be lived. I would do anything to help wake you from this emotional coma you seem to have fallen into, but I can't give what you won't take. And I have no desire to fight losing battles. They're a waste of my time and energy. So you'll have your distance. I won't bother you with anything faintly emotional. As far as I'm concerned, from here on out, we've returned to our original dynamics. We'll be nothing more than student and teacher. And you can forget about last night, pretend it never happened..if that's possible."
She turned and walked out the door without looking back, without faltering.
Left feeling uneasy and vaguely wounded, Remus dazedly watched her tread down the hall, taking notice of how casually she moved - head held high, footfalls even and certain, arms swinging loosely at her side.
Remus' only comfort was knowing he'd managed to act in the name of self- preservation. Still, seeing Hermione drift further and further away intensified the hollow beatings of his heart. He'd maintained his emotional safety, but what had he sacrificed for it? His stomach dropped. His heart twinged. And he set off on the lonesome trek to his office, half-heartedly endeavoring to forget that Hermione Granger had ever made him feel so alive or loved.
**--like a mantra - the meaning of life - Hermione, Hermione, Hermione-**
Once at Gryffindor Tower, Hermione went straight to the girls' dorm. Angry, devastated, and just a little humiliated, Hermione crawled into her bed, drew the curtains around her four-poster, and lay back upon her pillows. Her memories were as persistent as Remus' and she, too, found it difficult to forget the vitality of their unexpected coupling - how wildly alive she felt simply lying in his arms. When she withdrew from her reverie, tears were rushing from her eyes and across her face, dampening the pillow below her. She realized her overwhelming need for release - to weep as loud and as long and as hard as she could. Placing a silencing charm around her bed so she could suffer in private, she sobbed until her throat was raw and her tear ducts were surely bled dry for months. Finally, numbed by her tears, she cocooned herself beneath her sheets and slept deeply, dreamlessly.
Awaken Me By Evenstar496
Chapter 5
"In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lovers past Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones You answered me with no pretense And still I feel I said too much My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose It seems I only felt the thorns And so it goes, and so it goes And so will you soon I suppose" -Billy Joel (yes, again)
Remus awoke in the pallor of early morning sunlight. It cast the room in a stark, depressing sterility.
Or perhaps that was just how Remus perceived it. His mind had become a weighty, unwanted instrument and suddenly everything appeared stark and depressing - and dangerous - to him.
He glanced down at Hermione, nestled happily in his arms. She was pressed to his side, her leg slung across his thighs, her arm extended across his belly, her hand lightly clutching him. He desperately searched her for some terrible flaw - something he'd overlooked in his frantic passion. Just a mar or deformity or asymmetry - a loophole through which he could legitimately nullify the reckless abandon and overwhelming emotion he'd exhibited to her. Anything. Perhaps the dim glow of the moon had accentuated only her attractive qualities and obscured her imperfections. But much to Remus' disappointment, he found she was no less striking in the revealing glare of daylight than in the soft shadows of night.
His reality was accurate and inescapable.
Thus, in rapid-motion flashes, his mind replayed the previous evening's events. His recollections were vivid and precise and they made his stomach lurch violently.
**No -
She's seen too much. She's come too close to all the bruises and broken bones - the ones that never healed - the ones that scream out in agony when they're mishandled - the ones I've managed to conceal - sometimes even forget.
The need, the weakness, the vulnerability, the emotion - She caught a glimpse of it all - I knew it - I let her -
God, it just seemed natural - I didn't even think about it - She's so like me, she almost seems a part of me -
What she does to me - her penetration of my soul is deep and effortless.
If I continue-if I let her all the way in and show her every bit of me - she'll want me all the more, she'll set out to heal my wounds with her unrelenting devotion.
And I'll love her for it - along with so many other things.
I'll love her, damn it. There's not a question in my mind -hell, I could love her in my sleep.
And that's when it becomes a problem.
I'll want her with me all the time. I'll crave her as an oasis in the desert when she's away. I'll trust her fidelity and believe her promises of forever. I'll grow strong - secure and confident in myself and her love. Her integration into my soul will be complete. She will inhabit my brain and flow through my veins.**
**And for all those reasons, she terrifies me,** he fretted, carefully disengaging himself from Hermione and climbing off the desk. **I fear, if the worst were to happen, she would break me so completely I'd be shattered beyond repair.**
As he searched the classroom for his clothes, guilt and shame joined with fear to create a dark trilogy of despair in his mind. Hermione had trusted him as a professor, a mentor, and he'd overstepped his bounds in the worst way. What kind of a teacher took advantage of his position in such a blatant manner?
He dressed quietly, grimly, his emotions mad with confusion. Wants, needs, fears, obligations all rioted and collided within him.
**Last night was one hell of an evening - never felt anything quite like it in my life -
Which is why I MUST forget it -
--Because I know - I've experienced it - emotions of that intensity can turn in a heartbeat and cut you when you're not looking.**
Hermione, feeling gradually chillier in Remus' absence, awoke with a start when she realized he was no longer beside her. Sitting up with a bolt, she eyed him standing by the door fixing his shirt and throwing on his robes. She drew her knees to her chest and beamed at him.
"Morning all ready? I hated to see last night end."
Remus smiled uncomfortably.
"You should get dressed, Hermione."
He gathered up her clothes and handed them to her. She took them hesitantly, a look of concern on her face.
"Is everything all right?" she asked.
He studied her distractedly for a moment and then replied tersely, "Of course. It's just best that we try to get out of here as soon as possible."
He paused.
"I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel quite hungry," he added as an afterthought, trying to amend the brisk tone of his previous statement.
"Yes, I am rather famished," she concurred as she pulled on her uniform. "Although after last night it's no wonder."
A wicked smile curved across her face.
Remus' body stiffened and he anxiously cleared his throat.
"Hopefully the locks have been undone by now," he said, moving toward the door and tugging the handle. The door opened easily and he sighed in relief.
"Well, that's much better. Free at last, right?" Remus said cheerfully.
Hermione looked slightly wounded by the remark. A twinge of regret struck Remus and he inwardly cursed himself for having been so callous.
**Please tell me that what I think is happening isn't really happening,** Hermione groaned internally, hovering on the verge of alarm.
She strode over and leaned into him cozily, reaching up to kiss him. For a moment, Remus lost himself in emotion. His body went hot and began to soften, drifting toward her.
**Yes, Hermione - I want to pull you against my body and feel every part of you against every part of me. I want to feel the sweet softness of your lips glide across mine, the heat that surges between us when we drag our tongues against each other - Yes - Let's give ourselves to one another all over again - I want you, beautiful gir-**
He became aware of his actions and nervously edged away.
Hermione stared at him, her eyes cloudy with confusion.
"Hermione, we can't continue this behavior," he said firmly. "It's totally inappropriate. I'm your professor. I'm old enough to be your father. I cannot be your lover."
Hermione glared at him defiantly but said nothing. Remus resumed his internal struggle. It destroyed him to behave as if the passion and vitality between them never existed. His remorse was twofold with the knowledge that he was hurting Hermione - and after she'd only just been hurt by Harry. He knew he would do almost anything in the world to keep her from pain. Almost. His fear proved greater than his allegiance to Hermione. And it certainly terrified him to have her so near, to gaze into her eyes and see his own future - his very life - reflected so precariously in her chestnut-colored pupils.
"Please, Hermione, you did nothing wrong," he said, taking her hand tenderly. She pulled it away hastily, her features rigid with resentment.
"I'm well aware I did nothing wrong," she snapped. "In fact, I apparently did something quite right, because you're beside yourself with fear all of a sudden."
Remus shook his head in disagreement but somehow couldn't speak to defend himself.
"I scare you," she continued, talking rapidly and with ferocity. "I make you feel something you haven't felt in years - something you can't handle because you've hidden from it for so long. I remember every word you said last night. You should know by now I don't need anything spelled out for me in order to understand the big picture. You don't let people in. You don't show them who you are. You hide behind this kindly, concerned, outgoing 'Professor Lupin' façade. That way you don't have to get too close. Your involvement in other people's lives can be friendly, but superficial."
She approached him until the toes of their shoes squeaked against each other. Fixing her blazing eyes on his, she spoke slowly, softly, and precisely.
"But you wanted to let me in. You wanted to let me see everything. That scares the hell out of you, doesn't it? So now you have to wall yourself back in again and hide from me.. I've thought many things about you, Remus - most of them extremely flattering. But I never, ever thought you were a coward!"
**But I am a coward, Hermione - I'm a coward and a liar and a selfish bastard - I want to love you - and I could - but I won't because I don't want to suffer - I'm not strong enough for you, Hermione - I'm just a bloody coward -**
"I understand what you're saying, Hermione, but it's not in good taste for a professor to be with one of his students," Remus replied quite calmly, skirting every one of Hermione's accusations as if he hadn't actually heard a word she'd said. Softly returning her stare, he spoke in pleasant, measured tones, giving Hermione the impression she was being spoken to as a child. "You could be expelled if it were to get out. I could be fired. And Dumbledore would surely endure a great deal of criticism. He hired me once despite the advice of many important people. Then he welcomed me back again against the wishes of parents and professors. He has given me so many chances. It would be terribly disrespectful to pay back his generosity by carrying on with one of his students. Ending this now is best for everyone."
Hermione stared at Remus intently.
"Please. I'm not an imbecile. This has NOTHING to do with Hogwarts or Dumbledore or you getting fired or me expelled. You know it. I know it. And while were at it, don't tell me you don't have feelings for me. Don't tell me that you aren't attracted to me - that at least a part of you didn't want what happened last night. And that you wouldn't like it to happen again. I saw the sincerity in your eyes when you spoke to me. I heard you repeat my name over and over again, like a mantra, when you came. You can't shut that off so easily, no matter what you say or do."
Spurred by her comments, the images returned to Remus' mind. He remembered - with amazing clarity - the surge of climax passing through him for the first time that night.
**Oh yes - the sweet, sweet fire that burned through every inch of my body - most amazing thing I've felt in probably 15, 16 years, maybe ever - my mind quieted for just that short bit of time and my body shook like mad with those delicious spasms - It felt like an earthbound sort of weightlessness - I n fact, for a moment there, I started to think my body had become so light and alive that I might be able to fly away - but I didn't, and thank god because there she was in the midst of it all, the source of this unbelievable rapture, writhing with my passion - and I didn't need to fly away - there was nothing anywhere else that I wanted - no, all that I wanted was lying beneath me, her woman-child face wet with perspiration, her lower lip crushed between her teeth in the power of her orgasm - that was all I wanted to see, all I could see as I climaxed - climaxed like my soul was breaking free from my body - just gazing at her and moaning her name as if I'd found the meaning of life and it was her - the meaning of life - Hermione, Hermione, Hermione - but it can't happen- **
Remus wavered slightly and sighed, "How I feel and what I want doesn't matter. I have certain responsibilities and one of them is looking out for your best interest."
He regarded her sadly, his voice softening, "I have to do what's right, Hermione, and sometimes that means denying yourself the things you want."
Crossing her arms tightly, Hermione fought back the growing moisture in her eyes and the burning in her throat. She had resolved not to cry. Not in front of Remus, at least. To her surprise, this betrayal of Remus' pained her far more Harry's rejection had -- how or why she wasn't sure. She felt cheated, robbed so unfairly of an exquisite, breathtaking awareness of life.
**Damn it, Remus - How could you?
You lead me into utopia and then you push me out as my lungs are adjusting to the air -
What right do you have to use me like that?
None -
But I pity you Remus, you sad, sad bastard - You'll never have a clue how completely a woman could love you - how I could love you-**
"That cage you're in, Remus - you built it. You locked yourself in it. And you're the only person who's keeping you there," she said with a calm intensity. "You're looking freedom right in the face and you're turning it away because you'd rather be a prisoner to your damned fears than take a chance on living life the way it's meant to be lived. I would do anything to help wake you from this emotional coma you seem to have fallen into, but I can't give what you won't take. And I have no desire to fight losing battles. They're a waste of my time and energy. So you'll have your distance. I won't bother you with anything faintly emotional. As far as I'm concerned, from here on out, we've returned to our original dynamics. We'll be nothing more than student and teacher. And you can forget about last night, pretend it never happened..if that's possible."
She turned and walked out the door without looking back, without faltering.
Left feeling uneasy and vaguely wounded, Remus dazedly watched her tread down the hall, taking notice of how casually she moved - head held high, footfalls even and certain, arms swinging loosely at her side.
Remus' only comfort was knowing he'd managed to act in the name of self- preservation. Still, seeing Hermione drift further and further away intensified the hollow beatings of his heart. He'd maintained his emotional safety, but what had he sacrificed for it? His stomach dropped. His heart twinged. And he set off on the lonesome trek to his office, half-heartedly endeavoring to forget that Hermione Granger had ever made him feel so alive or loved.
**--like a mantra - the meaning of life - Hermione, Hermione, Hermione-**
Once at Gryffindor Tower, Hermione went straight to the girls' dorm. Angry, devastated, and just a little humiliated, Hermione crawled into her bed, drew the curtains around her four-poster, and lay back upon her pillows. Her memories were as persistent as Remus' and she, too, found it difficult to forget the vitality of their unexpected coupling - how wildly alive she felt simply lying in his arms. When she withdrew from her reverie, tears were rushing from her eyes and across her face, dampening the pillow below her. She realized her overwhelming need for release - to weep as loud and as long and as hard as she could. Placing a silencing charm around her bed so she could suffer in private, she sobbed until her throat was raw and her tear ducts were surely bled dry for months. Finally, numbed by her tears, she cocooned herself beneath her sheets and slept deeply, dreamlessly.