Dedication: This fic is for Lightning-Strike. Lightning-Strike is a talented, cool author here, whose user id is 141533. This is her Christmas fic, especially for her! ^!^ Merry Christmas, L-S!

A/N: All Pokémon speech is translated, unless otherwise indicated. Review thank-yous at the end of the chapter.

Light of a Dark Black Night

7: Penance

Away!

No, not you, Shadowgleam. I'm sorry. I thought - thought

- you and the photo in the paper - I put them together... I tossed you away - and I can't get rid of them...

I'm away... where humans don't go. Here I am. Pokégods I'm confused, I hurt inside, it's as if all that aching in my mind is spreading over my body...

You won that tournament and they took a picture, of you, of me, and they put it somewhere in the Pokémon Times which... it distributes all over the country

is 'distributes' the right word?

You'll be all right Shadowgleam - so far, you have been, I'd know because I can feel your thoughts stabbing at me now and then, I want to block you out but I don't want to, I want to know that you're all right (doesn't make up for it though).

I wonder how long the food I left will last you? I'm sure you found it... you must have found it.

It hurts Shadowgleam, I'm taking painkillers, I thought... the pain... was something you got used to, something it was possible to build up a resistance to - they put my picture in the paper in an article too, I couldn't block that out.

and for a little while I was fine, I can handle being in a stadium with an audience - spectators I mean - and that was my largest crowd of spectators yet and I handled them fine -

after all, it helps if you can see the people who are thinking about you. Then they took my picture. And I was going to sleep in the next morning but when the first people started reading the paper, reading me, it woke me up... they thought 'the boy with the Raichu' and other things, but I was absolutely crazy, it was cacophony in my brain it hurt so much.

I was walking into tables it was more than I could deal with. I took painkillers, I shut it down - from a roar - I went... rode FarReaches, dropped everything off, I returned FarReaches while I was setting it up... she would have stopped me, now I wish she had... no, I didn't walk away, Shadowgleam, you sent me that picture clearly, but no, I got on Far and let her fly me into the wilderness

I know I've got enough painkillers, I don't know if I've got enough of everything else, but I think my supplies will last me... for a while... don't know how long I need it to be - maybe Forever.

Pokégods, forever, a hermit I guess I'll be. I think... I could almost live with that... well I might just have to. I can survive... I think I can... ther's a water souce here, and five angry Pokémon - but they're beginning to calm down -

I left you, I know I left you, I know you're all right, I know that doesn't make up for it, because I might have Abandoned you - abandoned you - even if I'd thought you couldn't survive, but you can, you're Shining, you're strong, you used to like me, you don't now. I can't blame you.

I think you're all right and I can't take/handle your thoughts, I'm going to have to block you, or try - maybe I could have come and got you, I'm not so sure I could survive doing that - you were closest - and the rest of the team, they've knocked me out twice already, and each time, waking up, feels worse - could I explain to you before you killed me with your anger, and your feelings of betrayal? You were closest, the others weren't as dear - I could only let myself like you so much, Shadowgleam, because you could control your thoughts, you could make yourself NOT think about me when you wanted to - some trainer I am.

Some trainer I am, abandoning my bloody favourite, Pokégods I am crazy, and you're still driving me crazy because your thoughts are hitting me from across the country - wherever you are, wherever I am - and yeah some trainer I am - I'm not a trainer any more. Can't be. I've still got my Pokémon - my other Pokémon - more accurately, they've got me, I think I'm more of a problem/burden at the moment than a solution - a team member - and gods, bloody hell, I realised it hit me almost worse than these thought wounds, it was a bloody useless dream. I can't be a master, can't be anything, can't handle these answers either; bloody... ATWINATS my sister used to say, it stood for All The Words I'm Not Allowed To Say - little sister - and I can't tell her voice, can't pick her voice out from the multitude - it's like erosion... what kind of human am I when I can't bear their thoughts?

the Pokémon - they're here, they're trying, (they're failing) not to think of me, but they forgive me, if they hadn't they'd probably have killed me, by thinking, now the soothing thoughts almost help...

I wish you'd forgive me, you keep spiking me striking me with your thoughts, but I'm afraid of trying to trail you, afraid of getting close to you and it probably wouldn't help - heck I wish you'd get me out of your mind, I wish I could explain - oh, why? You ask across my mind - is - do you want to know - sure, sure, except you can't hear me, not the way I hear everyone... in a few days I'll probably be feeling better - hope so, anyway! Pokégods! - when people stop reading that article and forget about that Mahogany tournament in Mahogany - and I've ruined it all and somewhere, you're out there, sorry so sorry Shadowgleam, screaming but I can't answer, can't you bloody forgive me? can't you find your own answer WHY?

Everyone: Don't hate me now… *dodges things* Well, if you've managed to struggle through that chapter so well, I'm sure you must have had a reason… don't hate me now… I really did need to bring Gavin back. Protest and I just might change it.