Standard Disclaimer
As you have read by countless people before, I am a poor writer that has no ties to any anime company what so ever. Boy doesn't that get boring? Disclaimer this I don't own that, sheesh enough to make you WANT to claim you have ownership as nobody cares.
You reading this? Doubt it :)
This is a bunch of hopefully humorous ideas I came up with, not enough for a full blown fic in their own right but hopefully enough to make ya laugh a little.
Some are small, some are larger, some make no sense to anybody but me and my prereaders.and as this was really just a time waster for me as my msts get scanned over, don't expect a lot of work keeping the grammar at its best.
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What Really Caused Rei to Lose Her Emotions
Christmas Eva 2007, the late of night was setting and quiet had eased over Tokyo-3. Gendo slowly entered his shared domicile. He was having a bad day. He had a VERY long day at Nerv and on top of that he got a card from his son.
"Why the hell does that boy even bother? I thought shipping him off would toughen him up.he's still a pansy!" he said as he ripped the young child's card and threw it into a trash bin as he entered.
His outburst drew the attention of his own charge, Ayanami Rei, out of her room and into the living room.
In a chipper and energetic voice Rei squealed, "It's Christmas EVE can we open the presents now?"
And that was the other thing he was having troubles with, an over active, highly energetic copy of his dead wife. 'Why did I insist on her living with me while she was young again?'
Only wanting to pass out he replied, "No Rei-chan you have to wait, and no more begging please."
Jumping on the man's lap and pouting, "But I want to open them now!"
"In the morning now go bed, you shouldn't even be up this late!"
The young child pointed to a stand that hosted a glass of milk and cookies. "I had to leave Santa his milk and cookies didn't I? You told tell me I had to leave them or he would get hungry."
'She STILL believes in a big fat gift giver, maybe I should have used Akagi's DNA.' Slowly pushing the ecstatic child off his lap he put his hands on her shoulders. "Rei.I have to tell you something."
Smiling lightly at her infallible father figure, "Yes? Are you going to tell me I can open my presents?"
"No, I'm going to tell you. Santa Clause is a made up person that is used to sell more crap to children. It's all fake, all of it. Now go to bed."
The girl ran from the room crying. After he heard the door slam he smiled, "That solves that problem."
Devastated, Rei went to her room. She was a mess of tears. 'If.if it's all fake.what is their to believe in? Nothing!' With a sudden sense of grief, "I'll never believe in anything ever again, and.I won't feel about anything either! It just hurts!"
So the death of her believe in Santa sucked her soul.
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The Fall
Shinji was unsure of what to do. He had not only seen Rei nude, but fell on her. All he could do was watch her back as they descended the escalator. 'I should say something.apologize or something.'
In his natural voice, "Um.I.Ayanami."
But Rei wasn't well versed in broken-ese so she remained silent.
Trying in her native language, "Ayanami.I heard your test with Unit-00 is today, aren't you scared?"
Looking forward, "You are Commander Ikari's son are you not, don't you have faith in your fathers work?"
Shinji couldn't help himself as he looked at his feet and muttered, "How could I have faith in a bastard father like him."
To his shock Rei turned to face him, then she slapped him. He was left looking in her red eyes. 'Well didn't expect that.'
Shocked he asked, "What you do that for?"
Still facing him, "You do not show your father the proper respect for your father, I would."
Although he was paying the girl rapt attention, it was the most he'd heard her speak, he tried to interrupt her, "Ayanami you should."
Rei was not going to listen to him until she said her piece. ".Think better of his." Suddenly she felt her feet stop moving and her head falling backward. Instinctively she grasped out for whatever she could in order to break her decent.and that was Shinji. Despite seeing what he did, he wasn't expecting her to grab and pull his hand so hard so instead of keeping her up, he toppled over with her.
Looking down into Rei's eyes for the second time today he couldn't help but think, 'Familiar ceiling.'
"Are you going to make it a habit of falling on me?"
To his credit he did answer, "I was going to tell you we were at the bottom of the escalator but you wouldn't listen."
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Misadventures with Coffee
The bridge crew was upset. Five days in row the automatic coffee vending machine had been broken. And with Shifts as they were, nobody knew who was going to finally break down and bring in a Mr. Coffee. So they decided to alternate days. Shigeru would take Mondays, Maya Tuesdays, Misato Wednesdays, Motoko Thursdays, and Ritsuko would end the week.
Things were fine at first, every morning a fresh pot of Folgers was brewed and the caffeine dependant workers got their fix. After an initial estimate about the price to fix the vending machine was received, Misato ordered Asuka to promptly stomp the repairman's home, office, and car. She was happy to oblige, even got a medal.
So as time wore on the same order still happened but then the coffee wasn't only coffee anymore.
Monday
Misato walked onto the bridge with a severe hangover, 'Didn't think Shinji could drink so much.'
Maya meekly walked over to her, "Um.Major I think something is wrong with Sempai and the others."
"Eh.wha?" she mumbled as she filled her cup.
"Well after Sempai drank her coffee she said she had the 'munchies' and well Motoko has been staring at his hand all morning."
"Ya don't say." Misato took a huge drink.'something tastes familiar.like back in college. oh hell.'
No work was finished that day as Shigeru and Misato started singing Kumbye- ya; Ritsuko ate as many bags of Cheeto's as she could find, and Motoko just giggled as he read his manga.
Tuesday
Maya handed Ritsuko her morning cup of coffee, "I made myself Sempai, my own special blend!"
With a look of horror, "Not like Shigeru's I hope, I can't stand another pot day."
Blushing softly, "No, no, no. It's really good! Try some."
Shrugging it off, 'as long as its not like yesterdays how bad can it be?' She took a sip and ran screaming for the water fountain. Finding a large line techies and Misato standing in line she frowned.
Seeing the pained look on Ritsuko's face, Misato asked, "Maya's coffee?"
"How much chocolate did she put in that stuff? I feel like I need an insulin shot!"
Wednesday
Misato looked at her fellow co-workers sprawled out on the floor. "I thought you'd like a little Zambuca in your coffee!"
Thursday
Nobody was in the mood for coffee.Motoko had a nice French roast but everybody was too leery to try it.
Friday
Misato laughed, "You CAN'T"
"I bet I can," Ritsuko counted.
Intrigued, Motoko asked, "Can't what?"
Smugly, "I bet the good Doctor that she couldn't drink an entire thermos of this coffee in one drink, it's not possible!"
Ever eager to back her Sempai, "I bet she can!" Maya chimed in.
Motoko sided with Misato for obvious reasons.
Fed up with the whole mess Misato slammed her paycheck on a table, "Prove it!"
The stage was set, the bets placed, and the sides were drawn. Misato poured a whole pot of Ritsuko coffee into a thermos and handed it to her.
"You have to drink it ALL.'
With a superior smirk, "I know that, and it will be easy."
Sure enough, the fake blond chugged the entire thermos without even struggling. Shigeru and Motoko had similar thoughts about that idea. Misato looked dumbstruck and finally stormed off to the hangers. Maya beamed with pride.
"How did you do that Sempai? How could you go so long without breathing?"
Wiping the dribble off her chin, "It's easy, I mix LCL in my coffee. It oxygenates my blood directly and tastes great."
All those in ear shot that had a cup before the bet.lost their lunches.
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Philosophy Nyow
The three pilots sat on a grassy noel as they waited to be retrieved. The giant spider like thing had been shot full of holes. After wards, Asuka asked why they hadn't used Raid instead, to which Ritsuko said they didn't have a convenient container. So they sat in the dark and looked at the stars.
In awe of the magnificent view he had, Shinji said, "It's amazing, with the power off the stars look so beautiful."
As a true child of the modern century Asuka replied, "It's creepy, with no power it looks like a dead city."
"Man fears darkness and drives it away with fire," Rei said impassively.
'Smart-ass,' Asuka thought, but to be civil, "Philosopher huh?"
'That ought to keep her quiet,' the red haired pilot thought, but was soon surprised.
"Yes, in attempts to learn about myself I have dwelt many years over tomes of philosophy. I have searched for the concept of souls. Do they truly exist, can they be put in glass jars. Why my sisters don't have one, why? I have sought God, if he exists he is upset with us, and if he doesn't exist what are we doing. I have even sought knowledge of love, that was a quick search, and why Santa doesn't exist," as she looked over at the brown haired pilot. All said in her computer like mono-symbolic voice.
Shinji stood up, walked over to her, pinched himself walked over to Asuka and then kissed her passionately. He was promptly punched in the face. "WHAT MADE YOU DO THAT YOU PERVERT?"
Calmly he responded, "I thought the world was going to end."
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Why Ritsuko isn't trusted to watch the pilots.
Misato was overjoyed, she was going to start working at Nerv, she'd be able to avenge her father's death AND get paid a shit load of money to! Plus she got to meet up with Ritsuko again. She was surprised to see her old college friend working at her new job.
The pair's reunion at the Geo-front was concluded as Ritsuko invited Misato over to her apartment to continue they're talk.
As they walked up the stairs, Misato quirred her friend, "I heard that Nerv uses young kids to pilot those giants, that true?"
Fishing for her keys, "Yeah, speaking of which I have the First child living with me. The Commander was tired of her burning all his Christmas decorations so pawned her off on me."
"Doesn't she have a family?"
Laughing as she unlocked her door, "Don't ask that. It's not that bad either."
Smiling broadly, "I never thought you'd be able to handle children, you seem to.domineering."
"What makes you say that?" the doctor said with a laugh.
Joining her friend's laughter, "I just remember a time you wanted me to put on that cat suit! I swear that thing was forged in hell by Satan's Commander of lewdness!"
Ritsuko paled a bit, "You think?"
As the door swung open Rei greeted the pair, "Akagi-san."
Misato did a double take, in front of her was a 13 year old girl dressed in slinky black leather, with giant cat ears, a flowing black tail that she really didn't want to know were it was connected, and big puffy paws. She fainted dead away.
Looking at her friend, "Is it really that bad? Guess you won't want to see my designs for the new plug suits."
Rei looked at the unconscious pile and said, "Nyow."
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The Fall 2
Shinji felt good. It was Saturday; he had just gotten back from the arcade, in which he has spent some time with his friends. And by the sound of quiet, he was alone at the apartment. With things as they have been, he was really enjoying the idea of silence.
After dropping his satchel off in his room, he headed to the kitchen to grab himself a snack when he spotted a new ID card. He also spotted a flashing light on the answering machine. He pushed the play button as he headed to the fridge to grab a can of soda.
Misato's voice wafted over the tiny speaker.
-Dear Shinji-kun,
Ritsuko wants you guys in for a sync test. Give Make sure Asuka takes her new ID with her. She's still not talking to me because of the whole 'Nazi' thing. Tests are at five so don't be late.
Love ya guys lots, Ja.-
Now Shinji felt cold, very, very cold. And his soda was now sprayed across the wall. Images of the last time he gave a fellow pilot an ID card assaulted his mind. He tried to fight it but he blushed and smiled all the same. Picking up the card all he could think of was, 'Where the hell IS Asuka?'
Having not heard a sound in the apartment since he arrived he figured, "She's taking a nap, better wake her and tell her bout the test."
Sneaking his way into Asuka's room he found it empty, "Damn it! Why is that girl never around when I need her? I swear I could be on the verge of a mental breakdown and she'd be sleeping!"
As he contemplated leaving her card on her dresser he spotted something. "Her neural connectors? She never takes those things off."
Abstractly he picked them up and looked at them. "Always so superior! Treating me like crap! Well I say." he puts her connectors on his head, "The hell with it."
Setting her card down and talking in a very poor German accent, "Baka- Shinji, blah blah blah! Do this! Do that! Don't act like a wuss! Stop acting like you have a backbone!" Then he stopped, 'That is such a contradiction I don't know were to start.' A sound behind him startled him from his poor imitation of the red head.
Standing behind him was the real thing, and she was not happy. She was not mildly irritated. She was on fire. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
To his credit all he could say was, "You're wearing a towel?"
Yes the red head was donned only in a towel around her hair and another around her midsection.
Advancing on the boy, "I WAS TAKING A SHOWER NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING?"
Taking a few steps back, and finding himself pressed against the wall, "Making my piece with Kami."
Her advanced slowed, "My headset, were is it?"
"I.don't know?" he asked as he slowly tried to take them off without her noticing.
Spotting his movement and its target, she walked right up to him and made to grab them off his head. Feelings of nostalgia washed over Shinji as he struggled to recline outside of the girl's grasp. Stumbling in his gambit for freedom he hit Asuka's leg sending her toppling over towards him. With her added weight and his already off balance position the pair soon found themselves on the ground.
Asuka was poised right over Shinji and was looking directly into his eye. Her hand was stationed on his chest. After about three seconds, her hand was lifted and repositioned on his face. "Why did you come in my room?" her voice oddly calm.
Mumbling though the girl's fist, "Give you.your ID card."
"I knew it was there, I heard her message," she said again with a calm voice. Shinji turned his face up to look her in the eyes again, and was mystified. She was smiling. "You're getting a bit braver Shin-baka. That lil love-tape was payment for the view."
"Where.my change?"
'He can be to dense sometimes,' her gentle smile turning into a smirk, her knee was then dropped into a rather sensitive area of the boy's anatomy, "there."
In his pain filled haze his mind told him, "Only a punch and a knee.I got a bargain for that view." ---------------------
The reason Ritsuko stopped bringing her cat to work
Ritsuko was in a panic. She had brought her cat to the Geo-front so she could head to the veterinarian after her shift ended, but now she was gone. Stepping into medical she sought her student, Maya.
"Maya, have you seen a black cat anywhere?"
Looking up from her consol, "Your cat Sempai, didn't know you brought it to work."
While she pondered 'how' Maya knew she had a cat, she started crawling on her hands and knees and looking under everything, "I need to take her to the vet so I brought her, and now I can't find her."
"Did you show her to anybody?" Maya's voice filled with a minor fear.
Standing up and dusting herself off, "Misato, at the command deck."
Pouting in only the way Maya can, "Why not go ask HER then."
Missing Maya's irritated attitude as only Ritsuko can, "You're right, thanks Maya."
Heading out of Medical she didn't hear Maya ranting about how Misato doesn't appreciate her enough. Finding the purple haired woman looking at the coffee maker with distrust she walked over to her.
"Misato, have you seen my cat?"
Looking for foreign materials in her mug she shrugged, "I haven't seen Luna since you were going up to Commander Ikari's office."
"The Commander's office, hope she's still there," she mumbled as she ascended the stairs.
Misato turned away from the pot to ask her if the coffee looked a little green to her, but finding only air took the risk and drank the coffee.
Rasping softly on the door to Commander Ikari's office, Ritsuko hoped she'd find her precious black cat Luna. Why was it named Luna? Well when she was a kitten Misato shaved a crescent moon on her forehead and the name stuck.
Getting no reply from inside, she opened the door and walked in. Immediately she felt something was off. The air of the room usually that of a sad depressed madman was replaced with foreboding. She also notice the Commander was in his chair, but she could only see the back of his head as his chair was facing the opposite direction.
"C.Commander Ikari, I hate to bother you right now but." she was cut off.
"Good Evening, Doctor Akagi. Welcome to my.lair," Gendo said as he slowly rotated his chair. On his lap sat a black cat, which he stroked calmly as he turned to face the doctor.
'Am I in a James Bond movie?' the Doctor thought as she approached his desk. "Commander.my cat?"
Looking at the purring lump of fur on his legs, "Mr. Fluffy, the Doctor is here to hear of my plans to rule the world."
"Her name is LUNA!" the astonished woman said in defiance.
Gendo pushed a button on his desk, " Number 2, please come in."
Fuyutsuki walked in, obviously worried about the current events. "Yes Commander?"
"Inform the Doctor that Mr. Fluffy is my friend, not her 'pet.'
Pleading to the man, Kozo begged, "Gendo, snap out of it! We're trying to SAVE mankind not world domination. The cat IS Ritsuko's!"
Raising his pinky to his lip, "Insolence, for that both of you shall die," pushing to button again, "Bring in the radioactive badgers!"
Using her last option, Ritsuko pulled out a small bag of catnip, Luna smelling her favorite drug jumped off the Commander's lap and ran to the Doctor. Almost immediately Gendo clutched his head.
"What happened Kozo?" he asked confused.
"Megalomaniac syndrome. When people in seats of high power find cats, they adopt said cat and begin thinking of plans to rule the world," Ritsuko said as she watched Luna roll around on the herb she put on the ground.
The office doors opened and a Tech entered with a caged animal.
Pointing to the man, "And that is?"
Kozo smiled at Gendo, "Nerv's newest weapon, radioactive badgers."
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The Bet
The pilots stood behind opaque glass doors. Two of them looked very uncomfortable, and the third was unreadable.
As usual Asuka was the first to speak, "Why do we have to be nude for this test?"
Over the intercom, Ritsuko spoke, "The artificial bodies could be contaminated by the suits, and we need a clear run. Don't worry the camera's have been turned off."
Shinji looked at his feat, he was mortified. 'I'm going to die, as soon as that door opens and I walk out, I'm going to die.'
Rei entered the dialog, "Why is the corridor so long though?"
Misato fielded this question, "To scan your bodies for alien substance."
The doors opened and the walk began. On the bridge, Misato, Ritsuko, Maya, Shigeru, and Motoko were hovering over a view screen.
Maya stated, "Isn't it lying to say we cut the camera feed?"
Misato shook her head, "Have to make sure they don' kill each other. They're all so concerned about been seen like this."
Laughing, "Don't you mean Asuka would kill Shinji for him looking at her?" Motoko said.
Ritsuko said, "I'd be more likely to believe Rei would look at Shinji first."
"Don't you mean Shinji look at Rei first?" Maya asked.
With a smile, Misato set a thousand yen note on the keyboard. (About $100.00) "I bet Shinji looks at Asuka first."
Shigeru added another thousand to the pot, "I agree with Misato."
"I say he looks at Rei first," Maya and Motoko said as they put their money in the pot.
Akagi added her money last, "I say its Rei that looks at Shinji first."
Over the intercom from the Commander's office, Kaji said, "Put me down for Rei looking at BOTH of them."
They all looked at the feed, all three of them were still in their booths, and Ritsuko keyed up the comm. Link, "Either start walking or we use the cattle prods again."
The collective groan signaled the game was on. Maya mumbled, "Guess Asuka is the most mature.nobody bet on her."
"Incorrect," another voiced boomed over the comm., Gendo was making his bet, "The 2nd child will look at the 3rd child first."
The entire staff smiled, 'how stupid is that man?'
All eyes were on the screen. As they watched, those betting that Shinji would look first got pissed. The 3rd child had taken the lead and was walking ahead of the two girls, not looking back. Suddenly, Asuka's head slowly lowered and turned inward. The camera zoomed in and saw the blush on the girl's cheeks.
A collective yell, "ASUKA LOOKED FIRST!"
In his office, Kozo looked at Gendo, "How did you know that the 2nd would look first?"
Taking his trademark position, "Easy. Think of the blood in his veins. Women will be drawn to his innate animal magnetism. Surely a bold person like the 2nd would be attracted so such untamed prowess."
Leaning on the desk, Kaji smiled and said, "Yui must have been a real devil in the sack to give that boy such skills."
Before he could think Kozo said, "You're damn right she was." then he looked mortified.
Gendo looked at this old sensei for about a minute, "Kozo.that was not apart of the schedule." ----------------------
Why does he wear those glasses?
Standing outside his office, Gendo waited patiently. He usually had an abundance of patience, but lately things have been happing to try said patience. First was the Yui-Kozo bombshell, second the impending nuptials of his son to not only one pilot but both. 'Maybe I should lend him Oedipus, either way they'll all be Tang in about two weeks,' and finally the lights in his office died.
The man in charge of fixing his office exited the room. "A circuit breaker has gone out. Going to take a little while to fix. Rigged up a lantern for you."
'A lantern.is this guy that damn stupid?' nodding he went to the door. "That is all."
Before he could enter though, the man stopped him, "Sir, the lights are out, you shouldn't wear your sunglasses in there."
"I will be fine Lt. Hokari," his voice showing none of the anger he felt.
Nodding, "Whatever Sir," and he left.
Stumbling into his office he did curse his need to wear his glasses. He took his seat and turned the lantern up to full blast, "No good, Kami I hate these damn glasses."
From his cage under Gendo's desk, Kozo made his consciousness known, "Maybe you should stop all the drinking and drugs then."
Kicking the cage that contained his old teacher, "Silence you," he took his glasses off and rubbed his bright red eyes, "Don't keep you around for you thoughts."
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Take me away
Yui Ikari was very, very tired. It wasn't easy to work in a secret government agency, cater to a crazed love struck husband, and care for a child. But she was trying.
And as part of her labor of love for her child, she was sitting in a very uncomfortable suit, her husband's design.
"Sometimes I worry about him," she murmured into the sickening liquid she was sitting in.
'And who made this stuff, I never heard of the need for LCL,' she thought. Shrugging it off as it did sooth her battered nerves she let out a relaxed sigh. "This isn't so bad a test after all."
"Are you ready for the test to begin Yui?" the elder Akagi stated over the link.
"Sure, just promise me if I die, you won't go after my husband," she said jokingly.'did I just hear her cough?"
Turning on the external speakers, "Watch mommy Shin-chan!"
That boy was either destined to break hearts or be killed by his father. 'Never saw a grown man so jealous over a child before."
Flipping a few switches, the test began. The feeling was so relaxing she spoke, "Ah.Calgon.take me away."
As the words escaped her mouth, klaxons began blaring and the entry plug turned red.
Yui's last thought was, "I didn't mean like this." and then she was gone.
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The Big Fall
Shinji was scared. He was blindfolded and being pushed across the Nerv complex by Misato, and he didn't know why.
"Misato-san, why are you doing this? Why can't I see?"
Still propelling him, "I told you, I couldn't tell you. You'll just have to wait."
So the silent march continued. Misato pushing the blind boy deeper into the bowels of the complex. Finally the pair stopped and the blindfold removed from Shinji's eyes.
Raising an eyebrow, "We're at the Eva hanger, and why is everybody here?"
Shinji was surrounded by almost all the workers of Nerv.
Asuka stepped forward, "This is an intervention Shinji."
"We're here to tell you that you have to stop falling on people," Maya continued.
In defiance, "I don't fall on that many people! Anyway it's an accident."
Nodding softly, Misato countered, "We know, but this isn't Love Hina and we can't allow you to fall on people anymore."
"We have accounts you fell on Rei, Asuka, Misato, all the female level two techs, you're turning are world from being a dramatic sci-fi into a love comedy!" Ritsuko informed.
All assembled sweat dropped not really understanding her. Still in disbelieve Shinji stammered, "What are you going to do.I mean I didn't do anything wrong!"
He stepped toward Misato to plead his case, and thanks to his overly tense condition stumbled and launched himself at Misato, striking his guardian in the chest sent her toppling over into Ritsuko, who fell into Maya, who was very, very happy about it until the combined weight sent her falling into Asuka and Rei, and the domino affect spread until finally Motoko fell onto the release lever for Unit-01, releasing it into the sea of Bakelite.
From his office, Gendo pushed his glasses back up his nose and sighed, "Must have inherited Yui's lack of coordination."
Putting his nail file down, Kozo laughed, "No I think he inherited your bad luck."
"All is NOT going according to plan."
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Well that was all of them. Not too much in the way of sense but that was never my intent. My intent was purely to get a chuckle out of you and I hope I did. Lot more silly ideas like those in my head. If I get time and if you liked it, maybe I'll do a sequel.
Hope you liked it.
Now back to msting
Ja Mata
Zentrodie (zentrodie@secondimpact.com)
As you have read by countless people before, I am a poor writer that has no ties to any anime company what so ever. Boy doesn't that get boring? Disclaimer this I don't own that, sheesh enough to make you WANT to claim you have ownership as nobody cares.
You reading this? Doubt it :)
This is a bunch of hopefully humorous ideas I came up with, not enough for a full blown fic in their own right but hopefully enough to make ya laugh a little.
Some are small, some are larger, some make no sense to anybody but me and my prereaders.and as this was really just a time waster for me as my msts get scanned over, don't expect a lot of work keeping the grammar at its best.
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What Really Caused Rei to Lose Her Emotions
Christmas Eva 2007, the late of night was setting and quiet had eased over Tokyo-3. Gendo slowly entered his shared domicile. He was having a bad day. He had a VERY long day at Nerv and on top of that he got a card from his son.
"Why the hell does that boy even bother? I thought shipping him off would toughen him up.he's still a pansy!" he said as he ripped the young child's card and threw it into a trash bin as he entered.
His outburst drew the attention of his own charge, Ayanami Rei, out of her room and into the living room.
In a chipper and energetic voice Rei squealed, "It's Christmas EVE can we open the presents now?"
And that was the other thing he was having troubles with, an over active, highly energetic copy of his dead wife. 'Why did I insist on her living with me while she was young again?'
Only wanting to pass out he replied, "No Rei-chan you have to wait, and no more begging please."
Jumping on the man's lap and pouting, "But I want to open them now!"
"In the morning now go bed, you shouldn't even be up this late!"
The young child pointed to a stand that hosted a glass of milk and cookies. "I had to leave Santa his milk and cookies didn't I? You told tell me I had to leave them or he would get hungry."
'She STILL believes in a big fat gift giver, maybe I should have used Akagi's DNA.' Slowly pushing the ecstatic child off his lap he put his hands on her shoulders. "Rei.I have to tell you something."
Smiling lightly at her infallible father figure, "Yes? Are you going to tell me I can open my presents?"
"No, I'm going to tell you. Santa Clause is a made up person that is used to sell more crap to children. It's all fake, all of it. Now go to bed."
The girl ran from the room crying. After he heard the door slam he smiled, "That solves that problem."
Devastated, Rei went to her room. She was a mess of tears. 'If.if it's all fake.what is their to believe in? Nothing!' With a sudden sense of grief, "I'll never believe in anything ever again, and.I won't feel about anything either! It just hurts!"
So the death of her believe in Santa sucked her soul.
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The Fall
Shinji was unsure of what to do. He had not only seen Rei nude, but fell on her. All he could do was watch her back as they descended the escalator. 'I should say something.apologize or something.'
In his natural voice, "Um.I.Ayanami."
But Rei wasn't well versed in broken-ese so she remained silent.
Trying in her native language, "Ayanami.I heard your test with Unit-00 is today, aren't you scared?"
Looking forward, "You are Commander Ikari's son are you not, don't you have faith in your fathers work?"
Shinji couldn't help himself as he looked at his feet and muttered, "How could I have faith in a bastard father like him."
To his shock Rei turned to face him, then she slapped him. He was left looking in her red eyes. 'Well didn't expect that.'
Shocked he asked, "What you do that for?"
Still facing him, "You do not show your father the proper respect for your father, I would."
Although he was paying the girl rapt attention, it was the most he'd heard her speak, he tried to interrupt her, "Ayanami you should."
Rei was not going to listen to him until she said her piece. ".Think better of his." Suddenly she felt her feet stop moving and her head falling backward. Instinctively she grasped out for whatever she could in order to break her decent.and that was Shinji. Despite seeing what he did, he wasn't expecting her to grab and pull his hand so hard so instead of keeping her up, he toppled over with her.
Looking down into Rei's eyes for the second time today he couldn't help but think, 'Familiar ceiling.'
"Are you going to make it a habit of falling on me?"
To his credit he did answer, "I was going to tell you we were at the bottom of the escalator but you wouldn't listen."
----------------------------
Misadventures with Coffee
The bridge crew was upset. Five days in row the automatic coffee vending machine had been broken. And with Shifts as they were, nobody knew who was going to finally break down and bring in a Mr. Coffee. So they decided to alternate days. Shigeru would take Mondays, Maya Tuesdays, Misato Wednesdays, Motoko Thursdays, and Ritsuko would end the week.
Things were fine at first, every morning a fresh pot of Folgers was brewed and the caffeine dependant workers got their fix. After an initial estimate about the price to fix the vending machine was received, Misato ordered Asuka to promptly stomp the repairman's home, office, and car. She was happy to oblige, even got a medal.
So as time wore on the same order still happened but then the coffee wasn't only coffee anymore.
Monday
Misato walked onto the bridge with a severe hangover, 'Didn't think Shinji could drink so much.'
Maya meekly walked over to her, "Um.Major I think something is wrong with Sempai and the others."
"Eh.wha?" she mumbled as she filled her cup.
"Well after Sempai drank her coffee she said she had the 'munchies' and well Motoko has been staring at his hand all morning."
"Ya don't say." Misato took a huge drink.'something tastes familiar.like back in college. oh hell.'
No work was finished that day as Shigeru and Misato started singing Kumbye- ya; Ritsuko ate as many bags of Cheeto's as she could find, and Motoko just giggled as he read his manga.
Tuesday
Maya handed Ritsuko her morning cup of coffee, "I made myself Sempai, my own special blend!"
With a look of horror, "Not like Shigeru's I hope, I can't stand another pot day."
Blushing softly, "No, no, no. It's really good! Try some."
Shrugging it off, 'as long as its not like yesterdays how bad can it be?' She took a sip and ran screaming for the water fountain. Finding a large line techies and Misato standing in line she frowned.
Seeing the pained look on Ritsuko's face, Misato asked, "Maya's coffee?"
"How much chocolate did she put in that stuff? I feel like I need an insulin shot!"
Wednesday
Misato looked at her fellow co-workers sprawled out on the floor. "I thought you'd like a little Zambuca in your coffee!"
Thursday
Nobody was in the mood for coffee.Motoko had a nice French roast but everybody was too leery to try it.
Friday
Misato laughed, "You CAN'T"
"I bet I can," Ritsuko counted.
Intrigued, Motoko asked, "Can't what?"
Smugly, "I bet the good Doctor that she couldn't drink an entire thermos of this coffee in one drink, it's not possible!"
Ever eager to back her Sempai, "I bet she can!" Maya chimed in.
Motoko sided with Misato for obvious reasons.
Fed up with the whole mess Misato slammed her paycheck on a table, "Prove it!"
The stage was set, the bets placed, and the sides were drawn. Misato poured a whole pot of Ritsuko coffee into a thermos and handed it to her.
"You have to drink it ALL.'
With a superior smirk, "I know that, and it will be easy."
Sure enough, the fake blond chugged the entire thermos without even struggling. Shigeru and Motoko had similar thoughts about that idea. Misato looked dumbstruck and finally stormed off to the hangers. Maya beamed with pride.
"How did you do that Sempai? How could you go so long without breathing?"
Wiping the dribble off her chin, "It's easy, I mix LCL in my coffee. It oxygenates my blood directly and tastes great."
All those in ear shot that had a cup before the bet.lost their lunches.
-------------------------------
Philosophy Nyow
The three pilots sat on a grassy noel as they waited to be retrieved. The giant spider like thing had been shot full of holes. After wards, Asuka asked why they hadn't used Raid instead, to which Ritsuko said they didn't have a convenient container. So they sat in the dark and looked at the stars.
In awe of the magnificent view he had, Shinji said, "It's amazing, with the power off the stars look so beautiful."
As a true child of the modern century Asuka replied, "It's creepy, with no power it looks like a dead city."
"Man fears darkness and drives it away with fire," Rei said impassively.
'Smart-ass,' Asuka thought, but to be civil, "Philosopher huh?"
'That ought to keep her quiet,' the red haired pilot thought, but was soon surprised.
"Yes, in attempts to learn about myself I have dwelt many years over tomes of philosophy. I have searched for the concept of souls. Do they truly exist, can they be put in glass jars. Why my sisters don't have one, why? I have sought God, if he exists he is upset with us, and if he doesn't exist what are we doing. I have even sought knowledge of love, that was a quick search, and why Santa doesn't exist," as she looked over at the brown haired pilot. All said in her computer like mono-symbolic voice.
Shinji stood up, walked over to her, pinched himself walked over to Asuka and then kissed her passionately. He was promptly punched in the face. "WHAT MADE YOU DO THAT YOU PERVERT?"
Calmly he responded, "I thought the world was going to end."
-------------------------------
Why Ritsuko isn't trusted to watch the pilots.
Misato was overjoyed, she was going to start working at Nerv, she'd be able to avenge her father's death AND get paid a shit load of money to! Plus she got to meet up with Ritsuko again. She was surprised to see her old college friend working at her new job.
The pair's reunion at the Geo-front was concluded as Ritsuko invited Misato over to her apartment to continue they're talk.
As they walked up the stairs, Misato quirred her friend, "I heard that Nerv uses young kids to pilot those giants, that true?"
Fishing for her keys, "Yeah, speaking of which I have the First child living with me. The Commander was tired of her burning all his Christmas decorations so pawned her off on me."
"Doesn't she have a family?"
Laughing as she unlocked her door, "Don't ask that. It's not that bad either."
Smiling broadly, "I never thought you'd be able to handle children, you seem to.domineering."
"What makes you say that?" the doctor said with a laugh.
Joining her friend's laughter, "I just remember a time you wanted me to put on that cat suit! I swear that thing was forged in hell by Satan's Commander of lewdness!"
Ritsuko paled a bit, "You think?"
As the door swung open Rei greeted the pair, "Akagi-san."
Misato did a double take, in front of her was a 13 year old girl dressed in slinky black leather, with giant cat ears, a flowing black tail that she really didn't want to know were it was connected, and big puffy paws. She fainted dead away.
Looking at her friend, "Is it really that bad? Guess you won't want to see my designs for the new plug suits."
Rei looked at the unconscious pile and said, "Nyow."
---------------------
The Fall 2
Shinji felt good. It was Saturday; he had just gotten back from the arcade, in which he has spent some time with his friends. And by the sound of quiet, he was alone at the apartment. With things as they have been, he was really enjoying the idea of silence.
After dropping his satchel off in his room, he headed to the kitchen to grab himself a snack when he spotted a new ID card. He also spotted a flashing light on the answering machine. He pushed the play button as he headed to the fridge to grab a can of soda.
Misato's voice wafted over the tiny speaker.
-Dear Shinji-kun,
Ritsuko wants you guys in for a sync test. Give Make sure Asuka takes her new ID with her. She's still not talking to me because of the whole 'Nazi' thing. Tests are at five so don't be late.
Love ya guys lots, Ja.-
Now Shinji felt cold, very, very cold. And his soda was now sprayed across the wall. Images of the last time he gave a fellow pilot an ID card assaulted his mind. He tried to fight it but he blushed and smiled all the same. Picking up the card all he could think of was, 'Where the hell IS Asuka?'
Having not heard a sound in the apartment since he arrived he figured, "She's taking a nap, better wake her and tell her bout the test."
Sneaking his way into Asuka's room he found it empty, "Damn it! Why is that girl never around when I need her? I swear I could be on the verge of a mental breakdown and she'd be sleeping!"
As he contemplated leaving her card on her dresser he spotted something. "Her neural connectors? She never takes those things off."
Abstractly he picked them up and looked at them. "Always so superior! Treating me like crap! Well I say." he puts her connectors on his head, "The hell with it."
Setting her card down and talking in a very poor German accent, "Baka- Shinji, blah blah blah! Do this! Do that! Don't act like a wuss! Stop acting like you have a backbone!" Then he stopped, 'That is such a contradiction I don't know were to start.' A sound behind him startled him from his poor imitation of the red head.
Standing behind him was the real thing, and she was not happy. She was not mildly irritated. She was on fire. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
To his credit all he could say was, "You're wearing a towel?"
Yes the red head was donned only in a towel around her hair and another around her midsection.
Advancing on the boy, "I WAS TAKING A SHOWER NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING?"
Taking a few steps back, and finding himself pressed against the wall, "Making my piece with Kami."
Her advanced slowed, "My headset, were is it?"
"I.don't know?" he asked as he slowly tried to take them off without her noticing.
Spotting his movement and its target, she walked right up to him and made to grab them off his head. Feelings of nostalgia washed over Shinji as he struggled to recline outside of the girl's grasp. Stumbling in his gambit for freedom he hit Asuka's leg sending her toppling over towards him. With her added weight and his already off balance position the pair soon found themselves on the ground.
Asuka was poised right over Shinji and was looking directly into his eye. Her hand was stationed on his chest. After about three seconds, her hand was lifted and repositioned on his face. "Why did you come in my room?" her voice oddly calm.
Mumbling though the girl's fist, "Give you.your ID card."
"I knew it was there, I heard her message," she said again with a calm voice. Shinji turned his face up to look her in the eyes again, and was mystified. She was smiling. "You're getting a bit braver Shin-baka. That lil love-tape was payment for the view."
"Where.my change?"
'He can be to dense sometimes,' her gentle smile turning into a smirk, her knee was then dropped into a rather sensitive area of the boy's anatomy, "there."
In his pain filled haze his mind told him, "Only a punch and a knee.I got a bargain for that view." ---------------------
The reason Ritsuko stopped bringing her cat to work
Ritsuko was in a panic. She had brought her cat to the Geo-front so she could head to the veterinarian after her shift ended, but now she was gone. Stepping into medical she sought her student, Maya.
"Maya, have you seen a black cat anywhere?"
Looking up from her consol, "Your cat Sempai, didn't know you brought it to work."
While she pondered 'how' Maya knew she had a cat, she started crawling on her hands and knees and looking under everything, "I need to take her to the vet so I brought her, and now I can't find her."
"Did you show her to anybody?" Maya's voice filled with a minor fear.
Standing up and dusting herself off, "Misato, at the command deck."
Pouting in only the way Maya can, "Why not go ask HER then."
Missing Maya's irritated attitude as only Ritsuko can, "You're right, thanks Maya."
Heading out of Medical she didn't hear Maya ranting about how Misato doesn't appreciate her enough. Finding the purple haired woman looking at the coffee maker with distrust she walked over to her.
"Misato, have you seen my cat?"
Looking for foreign materials in her mug she shrugged, "I haven't seen Luna since you were going up to Commander Ikari's office."
"The Commander's office, hope she's still there," she mumbled as she ascended the stairs.
Misato turned away from the pot to ask her if the coffee looked a little green to her, but finding only air took the risk and drank the coffee.
Rasping softly on the door to Commander Ikari's office, Ritsuko hoped she'd find her precious black cat Luna. Why was it named Luna? Well when she was a kitten Misato shaved a crescent moon on her forehead and the name stuck.
Getting no reply from inside, she opened the door and walked in. Immediately she felt something was off. The air of the room usually that of a sad depressed madman was replaced with foreboding. She also notice the Commander was in his chair, but she could only see the back of his head as his chair was facing the opposite direction.
"C.Commander Ikari, I hate to bother you right now but." she was cut off.
"Good Evening, Doctor Akagi. Welcome to my.lair," Gendo said as he slowly rotated his chair. On his lap sat a black cat, which he stroked calmly as he turned to face the doctor.
'Am I in a James Bond movie?' the Doctor thought as she approached his desk. "Commander.my cat?"
Looking at the purring lump of fur on his legs, "Mr. Fluffy, the Doctor is here to hear of my plans to rule the world."
"Her name is LUNA!" the astonished woman said in defiance.
Gendo pushed a button on his desk, " Number 2, please come in."
Fuyutsuki walked in, obviously worried about the current events. "Yes Commander?"
"Inform the Doctor that Mr. Fluffy is my friend, not her 'pet.'
Pleading to the man, Kozo begged, "Gendo, snap out of it! We're trying to SAVE mankind not world domination. The cat IS Ritsuko's!"
Raising his pinky to his lip, "Insolence, for that both of you shall die," pushing to button again, "Bring in the radioactive badgers!"
Using her last option, Ritsuko pulled out a small bag of catnip, Luna smelling her favorite drug jumped off the Commander's lap and ran to the Doctor. Almost immediately Gendo clutched his head.
"What happened Kozo?" he asked confused.
"Megalomaniac syndrome. When people in seats of high power find cats, they adopt said cat and begin thinking of plans to rule the world," Ritsuko said as she watched Luna roll around on the herb she put on the ground.
The office doors opened and a Tech entered with a caged animal.
Pointing to the man, "And that is?"
Kozo smiled at Gendo, "Nerv's newest weapon, radioactive badgers."
--------------------
The Bet
The pilots stood behind opaque glass doors. Two of them looked very uncomfortable, and the third was unreadable.
As usual Asuka was the first to speak, "Why do we have to be nude for this test?"
Over the intercom, Ritsuko spoke, "The artificial bodies could be contaminated by the suits, and we need a clear run. Don't worry the camera's have been turned off."
Shinji looked at his feat, he was mortified. 'I'm going to die, as soon as that door opens and I walk out, I'm going to die.'
Rei entered the dialog, "Why is the corridor so long though?"
Misato fielded this question, "To scan your bodies for alien substance."
The doors opened and the walk began. On the bridge, Misato, Ritsuko, Maya, Shigeru, and Motoko were hovering over a view screen.
Maya stated, "Isn't it lying to say we cut the camera feed?"
Misato shook her head, "Have to make sure they don' kill each other. They're all so concerned about been seen like this."
Laughing, "Don't you mean Asuka would kill Shinji for him looking at her?" Motoko said.
Ritsuko said, "I'd be more likely to believe Rei would look at Shinji first."
"Don't you mean Shinji look at Rei first?" Maya asked.
With a smile, Misato set a thousand yen note on the keyboard. (About $100.00) "I bet Shinji looks at Asuka first."
Shigeru added another thousand to the pot, "I agree with Misato."
"I say he looks at Rei first," Maya and Motoko said as they put their money in the pot.
Akagi added her money last, "I say its Rei that looks at Shinji first."
Over the intercom from the Commander's office, Kaji said, "Put me down for Rei looking at BOTH of them."
They all looked at the feed, all three of them were still in their booths, and Ritsuko keyed up the comm. Link, "Either start walking or we use the cattle prods again."
The collective groan signaled the game was on. Maya mumbled, "Guess Asuka is the most mature.nobody bet on her."
"Incorrect," another voiced boomed over the comm., Gendo was making his bet, "The 2nd child will look at the 3rd child first."
The entire staff smiled, 'how stupid is that man?'
All eyes were on the screen. As they watched, those betting that Shinji would look first got pissed. The 3rd child had taken the lead and was walking ahead of the two girls, not looking back. Suddenly, Asuka's head slowly lowered and turned inward. The camera zoomed in and saw the blush on the girl's cheeks.
A collective yell, "ASUKA LOOKED FIRST!"
In his office, Kozo looked at Gendo, "How did you know that the 2nd would look first?"
Taking his trademark position, "Easy. Think of the blood in his veins. Women will be drawn to his innate animal magnetism. Surely a bold person like the 2nd would be attracted so such untamed prowess."
Leaning on the desk, Kaji smiled and said, "Yui must have been a real devil in the sack to give that boy such skills."
Before he could think Kozo said, "You're damn right she was." then he looked mortified.
Gendo looked at this old sensei for about a minute, "Kozo.that was not apart of the schedule." ----------------------
Why does he wear those glasses?
Standing outside his office, Gendo waited patiently. He usually had an abundance of patience, but lately things have been happing to try said patience. First was the Yui-Kozo bombshell, second the impending nuptials of his son to not only one pilot but both. 'Maybe I should lend him Oedipus, either way they'll all be Tang in about two weeks,' and finally the lights in his office died.
The man in charge of fixing his office exited the room. "A circuit breaker has gone out. Going to take a little while to fix. Rigged up a lantern for you."
'A lantern.is this guy that damn stupid?' nodding he went to the door. "That is all."
Before he could enter though, the man stopped him, "Sir, the lights are out, you shouldn't wear your sunglasses in there."
"I will be fine Lt. Hokari," his voice showing none of the anger he felt.
Nodding, "Whatever Sir," and he left.
Stumbling into his office he did curse his need to wear his glasses. He took his seat and turned the lantern up to full blast, "No good, Kami I hate these damn glasses."
From his cage under Gendo's desk, Kozo made his consciousness known, "Maybe you should stop all the drinking and drugs then."
Kicking the cage that contained his old teacher, "Silence you," he took his glasses off and rubbed his bright red eyes, "Don't keep you around for you thoughts."
-------------------
Take me away
Yui Ikari was very, very tired. It wasn't easy to work in a secret government agency, cater to a crazed love struck husband, and care for a child. But she was trying.
And as part of her labor of love for her child, she was sitting in a very uncomfortable suit, her husband's design.
"Sometimes I worry about him," she murmured into the sickening liquid she was sitting in.
'And who made this stuff, I never heard of the need for LCL,' she thought. Shrugging it off as it did sooth her battered nerves she let out a relaxed sigh. "This isn't so bad a test after all."
"Are you ready for the test to begin Yui?" the elder Akagi stated over the link.
"Sure, just promise me if I die, you won't go after my husband," she said jokingly.'did I just hear her cough?"
Turning on the external speakers, "Watch mommy Shin-chan!"
That boy was either destined to break hearts or be killed by his father. 'Never saw a grown man so jealous over a child before."
Flipping a few switches, the test began. The feeling was so relaxing she spoke, "Ah.Calgon.take me away."
As the words escaped her mouth, klaxons began blaring and the entry plug turned red.
Yui's last thought was, "I didn't mean like this." and then she was gone.
-------------------
The Big Fall
Shinji was scared. He was blindfolded and being pushed across the Nerv complex by Misato, and he didn't know why.
"Misato-san, why are you doing this? Why can't I see?"
Still propelling him, "I told you, I couldn't tell you. You'll just have to wait."
So the silent march continued. Misato pushing the blind boy deeper into the bowels of the complex. Finally the pair stopped and the blindfold removed from Shinji's eyes.
Raising an eyebrow, "We're at the Eva hanger, and why is everybody here?"
Shinji was surrounded by almost all the workers of Nerv.
Asuka stepped forward, "This is an intervention Shinji."
"We're here to tell you that you have to stop falling on people," Maya continued.
In defiance, "I don't fall on that many people! Anyway it's an accident."
Nodding softly, Misato countered, "We know, but this isn't Love Hina and we can't allow you to fall on people anymore."
"We have accounts you fell on Rei, Asuka, Misato, all the female level two techs, you're turning are world from being a dramatic sci-fi into a love comedy!" Ritsuko informed.
All assembled sweat dropped not really understanding her. Still in disbelieve Shinji stammered, "What are you going to do.I mean I didn't do anything wrong!"
He stepped toward Misato to plead his case, and thanks to his overly tense condition stumbled and launched himself at Misato, striking his guardian in the chest sent her toppling over into Ritsuko, who fell into Maya, who was very, very happy about it until the combined weight sent her falling into Asuka and Rei, and the domino affect spread until finally Motoko fell onto the release lever for Unit-01, releasing it into the sea of Bakelite.
From his office, Gendo pushed his glasses back up his nose and sighed, "Must have inherited Yui's lack of coordination."
Putting his nail file down, Kozo laughed, "No I think he inherited your bad luck."
"All is NOT going according to plan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------
Well that was all of them. Not too much in the way of sense but that was never my intent. My intent was purely to get a chuckle out of you and I hope I did. Lot more silly ideas like those in my head. If I get time and if you liked it, maybe I'll do a sequel.
Hope you liked it.
Now back to msting
Ja Mata
Zentrodie (zentrodie@secondimpact.com)