Chapter 5

A whole lot of Confusion.

LA, Lorne's club. (1.15 PM)

Xander's happy mood was suddenly gone when he heard Lorne say they were stuck in the world that had been created. He didn't have any memories of the old world but, from what Buffy had told him, he was loved there. By a beautiful woman. So he really saw no harm in going back to that place.

'Oh, come on man !! You must know something. Anything ! We wannna get out of this wish world thingy we got going here. There's a woman I love in another universe, and she actually loves me back. And, oke, I have no memory what so ever of her, but it sounds very good.'

Angel stared at them in disbelief.

'There's a woman in another universe that loves Xander ?'

Xander suddenly remembered vividly why he disliked Angel so much.

'Put a sock in it, Deadboy !'

Angel looked at him with a mocked hurt expression.

'Oh no, little Xander is mad at me.'

Buffy just stared at both of them, not believing that the time they spend apart had done nothing to change their relationship for the better. In fact, it almost seemed worse. She turned to Lorne.

'You know what, me and you need to have a real conversation. And with these two big babies I don't see that happening anytime soon. Do you have a place to talk alone ?'

He nodded. 'In the back, but you have to promise you'll behave. There will be no hitting or touching in any way.'

She looked him up and down.

'I think I can manage that.'

She started to follow Lorne into the back, stopping when she noticed Xander following her.

'What are you doing ?'

'Coming with you to talk to Lorne.'

'Oh no you don't. You just stay right here and continue your very mature verbal fight with Angel. I'll tell him everything we know.'

'But you wanted me to come with so Lorne could see I wasn't nearly as happy here then in our world.'

'Well, he's seen you, I think he knows. With the whole 'somebody loves me out there' speech you kinda proved you weren't very happy here.'

'But I wanna come with you.'

She sighed. She needed Xander to stay outside so she could talk to Lorne about why she had made her second wish. It still wasn't clear to her and she had a feeling Lorne would know more. But of course she couldn't ask him if Xander insisted he wanted to come with her.

'Xander, please. Stay here.'

He looked at her and was suprised to see that is was very important to her that he stayed outside. He decided to give in, making a mental note to ask her later why she wanted to talk to the green demon alone.

'Fine, go.'

He watched her follow Lorne. Behind him Angel was trying to hide his smile, failing miserably.

'Poor Xander, banded from the conversation of two grown ups.'

'You know what Angel, I could get into this with you, but I really don't see the point. Despite of what you think, I have grown the last couple of years.'

'Maybe, but I don't see any growing in the way Buffy is treading you. You're still a liability to her.'

Xander turned to face the vampire.

'You have no idea what Buffy is about anymore. I do, I know her well enough to see that she needed me to stay out of this conversation for her and my good. And I trust her judgement above everything.'

Angel was impressed by the way Xander spoke to him. So the boy had changed.

'Maybe you're right.'

The vampire turned to leave, but stopped before he reached the stairs.

'When will you stop being so loyal to her ?'

Xander didn't ever bother to think about the question.

'Never.'

The vampire just nodded and left the club. He intented to find Cordelia, she could have let him know that Buffy and Xander were coming to Lorne's club and tell him not to sing tonight. But Cordy probably thought that this was going to be much more fun. Sometimes that girl had a weird sense of humor...

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Lorne's club (1.30 PM)

Buffy hoped that by the time she and Lorne were done with their talk Xander and Angel were done behaving all masculine. Lorne took the time to look at the slayer, he was suprised to see that she really wasn't happy.

'So, tell me, why are you so unhappy with the outcome of your wishes.'

'Because I wished Anya away. I made a world in which Xander never get's a break. He falls in love with the wrong girls and he was beat up by a robot that looked like me.'

'But what about you, how do you feel about this new world ?'

'Well, I kinda like the fact that Spike isn't there anymore. So that is a big step up for me, but on the long run, I hate it. He's so different from the Xander I know.'

'In what way ?'

'Well, it isn't something you see just by looking at him. It's something you see from knowing him the way I do. He's lost his ability to trust, so he created this small safe world. In which he only trusts his friends. Only now he's lost his trust in me twice, and it's affecting him real bad.'

So, you're not happy because he's not happy.'

'Yeah, he's part of the gang. I want my friends around me, and I want Xander around me the way I know him.'

Lorne almost looked sad.

'I wish I could help you sweetie, really, but I don't think there's anything I can do.'

Buffy decided that she had spend enough time avoiding the issue.

'Can't you at least help me figure out why I wished Xander never met Anya ?'

He looked at her stunned.

'You mean you don't know ?'

'No, I mean...I never hated her...She's a bit much some times...but...I don't hate her.'

'This isn't about Anya, this is about Xander.'

Buffy felt a bit confused by the last sentence. It was about Xander ?

'What ?'

'You really don't know ! My god ! Sweetie, you got denial down to an artform.'

'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Why did you sleep with Spike ?'

Buffy found the change of subject a bit weird and not all to pleasant to talk about. Hoping that this would lead to an answer to her question, she answered anyway.

'Because I was confused and scared...and thinking that I came back wrong...and...being an idiot.'

'All very good reasons, but you forgot the most important one. You slept with him because you needed to feel loved.'

Buffy's mind was screaming in denial. She didn't sleep with Spike because she needed love. She didn't.

'I do NOT love Spike.'

'I never said you did, I said you needed to feel love. You slept with him because he loves you. Not because you love him.'

'No, your wrong...Why would I do that ?'

'You know why. You just don't wanna face it.'

'I don't know why ! This is all very in the not knowing for me. I don't know why I slept with Spike. I don't know if I did it to feel loved and I sure as hell don't know what Xander's got to do with all of this.'

'What did you feel when Xander told you guys he and Anya were getting married.'

'I...I was suprised....and well...it was unexpected...and...he seemed so happy...'

'So you were suprised and he seemed happy, you didn't feel happy for him yourself ?'

'Yeah, I was. I hugged him and all, and told him I was very happy for him.'

'But you didn't do that right away. Did you ?'

'No, but...what is the point of this ?'

'You didn't feel happy for him right away because you weren't. You've just convinced yourself that you are.'

'No ! I want him to mary Anya, I am happy for them. If I wasn't why would I want to reverse my wishes ?'

'You said it yourself, you want the Xander you know back.'

'So he can mary Anya and be happy.'

'No, you want the Xander you know back because that's the Xander you're in love with.'

Buffy was really doubting the green demon's mental ability by now. He was so wrong. She didn't love Xander.

'You're crazy.'

'Am I, it all makes perfect sense to me. You came back from heaven, scared, confused and no one seemed to notice. Then you find out Xander is getting married. You're shocked by that. Cause in your mind their relationship didn't really mean anything.'

'What !! That is so not trough. I knew they had a special relationship. I even told Tara after Riley left me.'

'At that time you needed to believe in love. You needed to see two people in a normal, loving relationship.'

'You know what, you're contradicting yourself. First you tell me that I block out how important Anya is too Xander and now you tell me I used them to restore my faith in love.'

'You weren't aware that you're in love with him when Riley left you.'

'Sorry Lorne, but this is crap !'

'Maybe, but you wished your best friend's lover away sweetie. Why would you do that if you don't hate her or love him ?'

'Because...because...I just did.'

'I know this is strange, but the fact is you found out you loved him after you died. You were happy in heaven because you knew everyone you cared about was safe. Because you knew Xander was safe. Being in heaven clears a lot up for people. In your case you finally realised you love your Xander shaped friend. And when you came back you found out that the people you loved weren't save at all. That you had to protect them from all the bad again. But you also saw how Xander had gotten closer to Anya. And then he tells you there getting married. Tell me, did you start sleeping with Spike before or after he made that announcement ?'

'After...but..that doesn't mean...'

'See, that's my point. You needed to feel loved, so you slept with Spike. Because the person you're really in love with couldn't give his love to you. At least not the way you want it.'

Buffy wanted to disagree. She wanted to tell Lorne to go to hell. She wanted to forget she ever met him. But somehow the words he spoke to her seemed less stupid. They were beginning to make more sense to her. It explained why she felt so bad after Xander's wedding announcement, it explained why she needed Spike. It explained why she felt so much pain every time she saw how Xander would look at Anya. She thought she felt that way because she wanted a relationship just like theirs. It wasn't. She felt that way...because..because she wanted him.

Lorne watched Buffy as she began to realise he was telling her the truth. He felt sorry for her. He felt sorry for a girl who had led such a hard life that it took her months to accept that she was in love. Simply because she wasn't used to the feelings. Couldn't identify them.

Finally she spoke to him again.

'This makes everything so much worse. I made that wish because I was selfish. I made him miserable because I couldn't have him.'

'You made the wish because you wanted to be happy. Don't be so hard on yourself.'

'What am I going to do now ?'

Lorne wished he knew. Seeing how desperate she was, he made a desiscion.

'Why don't you get some rest while I'll go to The Powers That Be. Maybe they are willing to reverse the wishes.'

'Maybe, but that won't solve the problem.'

'No, but it's a start.'

Nodding to her he left the building, using the backdoor. She made her way back into the club. To see Xander on stage, singing 'Hey Jude.' Laughing, clearly having a fun time. She just stood there and watched him. Still a bit uncomfortable with all these new feelings she had while looking at him.

Xander had been pretty bored after Angel left. And after seeing people sing on stage for a while he decided that it beat being bored. So he took up the mike himself. Having very much fun with it. Suddenly he noticed Buffy in the back, watching him. He felt a strange tingle down his spine. She was looking at him like she never saw him before. Ignoring the strange feeling he turned to his audience.

'People, demons, thank you so much for your kind attention. Gotta go now.'

He got of the stage and walked over to Buffy.

'So tell me, what did our big green friend tell you ?'

Tbc...