EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART
Sunnydale CA, Buffy's house ( 8.30 PM)
'Did you have sex with Spike ?'
Buffy just stared at Xander, not knowing what to say. Her mind wasn't coming up with anything. It wasn't necessary however, Xander knew. The look of terror and shame on her face told him everything he needed to know. And he felt disgusted, with her, with Spike and with himself. For not being able to try and understand. He felt pain, for the girl standing before him. This strong, independant woman and what she had become. A shell of what she used to be.
But most of all, he felt rage, this strong, uncontroleable feeling that blocked out all the other feelings he was having.
'Oh my God, he wasn't lying.... You did it, you slept with him. With Spike, a thing.'
He fell silent, not knowing what to say. Not knowing how to handle.
'Xand, you gotta believe me, it was a mistake. I never intended to...'
'To do what, sleep with him. Give him hope, degrade yourself. Tell me, cause I'm kinda curious to find out what you never intended.'
'To hurt you...'
He laughed, but it didn't sound anything like his normal, cheerful, laugh.
'You didn't want to hurt me. Don't you think it's a bit late for that. Don't you think you could have thought about that before you did...this.'
She wanted to defend herself. To tell him that she lived her own life and that he had no say what so ever about that. But she knew she couldn't tell him that. Not now she told him that she loved him, and even if she hadn't done that, she couldn't. Because, even when he was just her best friend to her, she had known that she would hurt him if she slept with Spike. And she did it anyway.
'What do you want to hear, that I have no excuse. That I made a mistake, fine I'll tell you that.'
'I don't want to hear that.'
She didn't know what to do anymore.
'Than, what do you want from me ?'
He heard the pain in her voice, but it did nothing to him. The images of her and him together kept flashing before his eyes. And he let it all out, the hurt, the rage, the dissapointment, everything.
'I want you to tell me how you can say that you love me, while sleeping with him. How you could let him touch you. How you can live with yourself. I want to know how you were able to look me in the eyes and feed me this crap about loving me. I want to know if I can ever look at you again without...without feeling disgusted by the sight of you. I want you to tell me where the Buffy I know is. And I want you to tell me how I can stop hating you.'
She cried, not only because of what he said to her but also because of his eyes. They were usually full of love when directed to her. She couldn't see anything in them anymore. They were empty.
'I didn't know that I loved you when I slept with him.'
'You didn't know !! Now, that makes everything fine and dandy again. You didn't know that you loved me... Do you even believe that yourself ?'
'It's true oke, I didn't know I loved you until Lorne told me. And that was after...it happened. And I'm sorry about blocking these feelings I was having for you, but I'm kinda not used to them. I'm not used to loving anybody, not since Angel...and I guess...I guess I didn't regonize it.'
'You didn't regonize it. Maybe that's true, and maybe you were lonely and whatever... But no matter how you twitch this story, it all comes down to the same thing. You had strong enough feelings for Spike to sleep with him.'
She was yelling now.
'I SLEPT WIH HIM BECAUSE YOU WERE WITH HER !!'
Her voice became a whisper.
'You were with her, loving her. Being happy. And I...I felt miserable, alone. And Spike...he was there. I used him. And yeah, maybe I found him attractive. He's a goodlooking guy.'
He tried to hear what she was telling him, tried to understand. But it was no use, right now, it was just too hard.
'I can't do this right now. I can't stand here and talk to you like this. Not when I hate you this much. Not with mental images of you and Spike having sex. I can't.'
He turned to leave, but she stopped him.
'When will you be ready ?'
'I don't know, maybe tomorrow, maybe never...'
She cried again.
'But you said I could never lose you.'
'Yeah well, you once told me Spike didn't stand a change with you.'
And with that he left her. She stood in front of her house and watched him leave. Watched him walk away from her without looking back. When he was out of sight she closed the door. Crying harder than before. It took a long time before she did anything else than that, but after an hour she got up and started looking for the phone. She needed somebody to talk to, and she couldn't go to Willow, she couldn't let her get caught in the middle. On the other end of the line a voice was heared.
'Angel Investigations. We help the helpless, what can I do for you ?'
'Cordy ? It's Buffy, I need to speak to Lorne. Do you know where I can reach him ?'
'Yeah, I have a number where he can be reached. Hold on.'
She returned a couple of seconds later and gave Buffy the number.
'Buffy, are you oke ?'
'No, not really. But you can't help me. Thank you for giving the number to me. Gotta go now.'
And she hung up. Leaving Cordy wondering. She dialed the number she was given. She needed somebody, and Lorne would understand. Would listen to her, make the pain bearable. For now, that was all she could hope for.
Sunnydale CA, Xander's appartment (9.00 PM)
Anya was sitting in the livingroom, waiting for Xander. Spike had called her earlier, telling her that he had told Xander and that they were having a big fight in front of Buffy's house. She knew he would be getting home real soon. He needed his fiance right now, the woman who would always love him and never leave him. He needed her. It was just...even tough she knew that working with Spike had been necessary for the cause, it wasn't something she was proud off. It wasn't something Xander would appreciate if he ever found out. Which meant she had to lie to him and she hated doing that. She also hated the fact that their lives had become so complicated. That she needed to work with Spike to make sure Xander would stay with her. And for the first time she wondered if she and Xander would ever be truly happy. If she could be happy with a guy she would never have completly, since there would always be a part of him in love with Buffy. The door opened and Xander walked into the appartment. Slamming the door behind him. She looked at him and got scared by what she saw. He looked like his world had just been destroyed in front of his eyes.
'Hi Xand, ehh...how was work today ?'
Xander was suprised to hear her voice. Coming from Buffy's he just wanted to go home, and marvel in his anger. He hadn't thought about Anya at all and didn't expect to find her here. Wich was a bit stupid of course, she was always with him. Hardly ever going to her own appartment any more.
'I know you listened in on my conversation with Lorne, so there's no need for smalltalk An.'
She flinched at the sound of his voice. It sounded cold and nothing like the Xander she knew. The Xander she loved.
'Are you going to leave me because you love her ?'
He laughed. A short, bitter, laugh.
'Right now, I don't even like her. I'm thinking no.'
Again she was hurt. This time by what he had said.
'So, you're staying with me because you don't like her. Don't you think you should be staying with me because you like me more, love me more ?'
He wanted to answer the question, but he couldn't handle yet another conversation with a woman who wanted his love. Especially since he really doubted that he was capable of loving anybody right now.
'Probably, I don't know An. Right now, I really don't know anything....except that I need a drink.'
He walked to the fridge, taking out a sixpack of beer. Opening one of them he began drinking. Anya just stood there and watched him. She had known that he would be pretty shaken up once he found out the truth about Spike and Buffy, but she hadn't expected this. He was totally numb, absorbed in his own little world. And in that instance she knew that, even though she would continue fighting for him, she had lost. The pain she saw in front of her had nothing to do with a friend being betrayed. She saw a man who was hurt by the woman he trusted more than life. She saw a man who had lost the faith in the woman he loved more than life.
And she just needed to get away from him. She would try again in the morning, cause she couldn't give him up. Next to her lover he was her friend and he needed her.
'Xand, I'm gonna go. I don't really think there is much I can do for you now. I'll be back in the morning, to check on you.'
He was touched by her continuing support, and when he looked at her he realised that he wasn't the only one who had been hurt tonight.
'I really do love you, An. Please believe that.'
She smiled.
'I believe that.'
She left him. She really did believe him, he just didn't love her enough.
Sunnydale CA (9.15 PM)
Anya walked out of Xander's appartment building. She wanted to go home and get a good night rest. Xander needed her tomorrow and she needed to be strong. For his and her own sake. But she was suprised by the sight of Spike, blocking her way.
'What the bloody hell are you doing here ? Go back inside, charm the socks of that boy. Make him forget Buffy.'
'It's no use. I can't reach him.'
Spike didn't know what he was hearing.
'So, you're giving up ?'
'No, I'm not giving him up. I love him and even if he will never love me as much as Buffy I'll still stay with him.'
The vampire shook his head.
'You're realy sickening nobel and loyal.'
He gave her a smile.
'I like it. It's why Wonder Boy will stay with you in the end.'
She couldn't believe how stupid he was.
'If he stays with me it's because he can't forgive her.'
She walked past him, considering the conversation over. Spike was left behind.
'I wonder why everybody in this town suddenly loves that kid so unconditional. These humans are all acting bloody stupid. What the hell do they see in him ?'
LA, Angel's hotel (10.00 PM)
Angel was just looking into some books to find information about a demon he was supposed to fight tonight when Lorne came bursting in.
'Angel my man, we have a mission.'
The vampire looked at him unimpressed, he was used to Lorne getting worked up over nothing.
'If you don't mind, I'm kinda in the middle of a mission right now.'
Lorne sighed, sometimes it was impossible to get Angel interested in anything.
'I just spend to the last half hour talking to an crying slayer.'
Angel suddenly was all ears.
'Buffy ?'
'Yes, Buffy. She's in trouble, and we are going to help her.'
'Tell me what I need to do.'
Lorne thought about what he was going to say next, since he knew the vampire wouldn't like what he was about to say. He decided to be blunt.
'We are going to make sure Buffy finds happiness with the man she loves.'
Angel just looked at him.
'I'm not going to help you playing matchmaker for Buffy and some guy I don't know.'
Lorne laughed.
'You do know him, it's Xander.'
Angel was speechless. So Lorne continued.
'Are you going to help me ?'
tbc...