Author's Note: Yep, I sure am in that movie! Unless they cut me out…grrr…go see it, anyway. Thank you to Sincere Angel, the only one to mention my comment about the soundtrack! Also, I'd like to say that my personal favorite suggestion for the name of Kaiba's third dragon is from Anime*Angel*Fox. Heh, heh. Maybe that'll come in here somewhere and you'll get to find out what it is…
Chapter Ten: Do Not Judge A Man Until You Have Been Trapped With Him And Several Other Psychos
In An Elevator
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
"@#)&%!"
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
"MY HEAD!"
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
"OOMPH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
"JOEY!!"
Everyone stuck inside Kaiba's private elevator was thrown up and down as the elevator plummeted and then raced upward. Heads made contact with the floor and the ceiling, and everyone made contact with each other. (Hence the "JOEY!") The elevator suddenly stopped with a screeching halt, shuddered, and hung still. Its poor occupants bounced against the floor (and each other) and lay still, groaning in pain and fear.
Bakura, evil spirit of the Millennium Ring, had been freed by Yami's binding spell by the sudden movements of the elevator. He decided to play it cool, however, and not jump up and kill anyone right away, so that he might be able to attack more secretly. He cackled softly to himself and immediately twisted his head towards Kaiba, restarting his if-I-look-at-that-ugly-stupid-@)^$&*-long-enough-he'll-explode mission with enthusiasm.
Yugi's head really hurt, and his stomach felt kind of queasy. He moaned a little, and closed his eyes. I wonder if this is covered by my insurance, he thought. Even if it's not, I can always sue. These thoughts made him feel a little better as he pictured himself throwing up Kaiba's money triumphantly and laughing as Kaiba sobbed in the background.
Yami lay next to Yugi. He didn't move. [Do you think maybe he's dead? At least we can truthfully say he's gone to a better place!]
Joey had landed on his head in a corner, but his big, ugly, poofy, stupid, MAKES YOU WANNA— I mean, his big hair had cushioned his fall. Not one to look on the bright side, Joey opened his mouth to complain when Tristan extended his arms in a stretch and hit him square in the face. "Ow!" Joey yelped, rubbing his face, "What's the big idea, you clumsy oaf?!"
Tristan sat up and glared at Joey. "Who you callin' oaf, you MUTT?"
Joey gasped and tackled Tristan. The two of them grunted as they rolled around on the floor, trying to…well, I'm not really sure what they were trying to do, but it's safe to say it's related to killing each other.
Mai, who had been tied up when the elevator had first dropped, had had a pretty bad time bouncing up and down without being able to move. Fortunately for her, however, she had landed at one time on top of Yami, who was holding onto her nail file after Yugi had thrown it across the elevator when she had been trying to kill Joey. Wasting no time (as she was still in psycho-Mai mode), she managed to slip it out of his pocket with her hands tied behind her back without him noticing. She hunched in a corner as everyone lay recovering from the elevator's spasm, grinning evilly and quietly filing her bonds off her hands.
Ryou had perhaps fared the worst. His left leg had gotten into a strange position while in the air, and he had landed straight on it when the elevator had dropped. Moving it slightly, he winced as he felt pain shoot through his body. Ryou, however, was an optimist [an optimist, for those who don't know, is a person who always looks on the bright side. For example, if a non-optimist had been shipwrecked, all his best friends had died, and he was stranded on a deserted island with no food or water, he might be miserable and give up all hope. An optimist, however, in that same situation, might think "Well, at least I'm back on land, I didn't die, I like bears, and I've always liked the beach!"]
Tea, however, wasn't doing so well. Her nose had been broken earlier, and her face had smashed into one of the walls of the elevator during its little "spasm." She lay quietly with her eyes closed, trying to whisk herself away to her "happy place," the first step of which was to block out all sound and sing her "happy song." "I'm a little teapot…" she started softly, "short and stout— "
"Jeez, Kaiba," Yami whispered hoarsely, breathing heavily on the floor with his eyes closed. [So he's alive after all. Too bad for him!] "Don't you have some safety cable in this elevator to prevent that kind of thing?"
But Kaiba didn't answer. He alone had gotten up, and was now frantically scrambling about the elevator, picking up his Duel Monsters cards, which had been scattered when the elevator had dropped. He wasn't picking his way carefully over people as he searched for his cards, and nearly lost his balance by avoiding stepping on the wrestling Joey and Tristan. Fortunately for Kaiba, he managed to catch himself when he stepped backward and his foot landed on—
Tea's face. [Major ouch!]
Everyone in the elevator paused and winced at the audible crunch as Kaiba's foot slammed into Tea's face. Kaiba quickly pulled his foot away and replaced it in a position where he had more stable footing. Tea's eyes were closed, and her nose was completely flattened, now bleeding again. An imprint of a shoe was visible on her face. She was breathing frantically, evidently trying not to cry. She sang her happy song louder now. "Here is my handle, here is my spout!"
Then the laughter started, and Tea got even louder. "WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP, I WILL— " She lost it.
Now she opened her eyes, which were red and bloodshot, and leapt at Kaiba. She extended her claws and bared her fangs and—
Pulled Kaiba's pants down.
Tea's act revealed Kaiba's "Hello Kitty" underwear in all their splendor. They also revealed a less-flattering secret.
Kaiba yanked his pants up, blushing furiously, but it was too late. The elevator was in a riot, worse than a minute earlier when Tea's face had gotten smashed by Kaiba's foot.
"Kaiba wears tighty-whities!" gasped Yugi, who was laughing so hard that tears streamed down his cheeks. Bakura was howling in a corner, and Joey was pounding the floor with his fists.
Kaiba kicked Yugi out of the way to get to his former corner, in which he hunched angrily. Yugi didn't even miss a beat with his heaving laughter.
"Man, am I gonna have some bad dreams tonight!" quipped Yami between chuckles.
Tea lay smiling. She had won. [Or HAD she? Dun dun dun…]
Kaiba directed his attention to his dueling deck. He had picked up all his cards on the floor (Yugi had stuffed his deck in his pocket before the elevator moved) and slowly looked through them, pausing to smile at Monty, his first Blue Eyes, and Kim, his second. However, he couldn't seem to find his third Blue Eyes White Dragon, and he frowned as he flipped faster and faster and still couldn't find his third Blue Eyes, the baby of his little family. His heart pounded wildly in his chest. He looked through his deck frantically, but it just wasn't there.
"Looking for this?"
Kaiba raised his head very, very slowly and met Bakura's eyes. The evil spirit was grinning very, very evilly (what a surprise), and was holding up Kaiba's third Blue Eyes White Dragon card between his middle and index fingers. Pausing in mock interest, Bakura took the card out of his right hand and examined it carefully.
Kaiba froze. "No," he breathed. "Not Seto Jr.! Anyone but him!" he pleaded, his eyes never leaving the card held in Bakura's hand.
"Heh. Heh, heh," laughed Bakura. "Maybe I'll just— RIP IT IN HALF!" he cried, making the motion to tear up…erm…"lil' Seto." [And you thought that was the name of Kaiba's— um, never mind.]
"NOOOOOO!" shrieked Kaiba, dropping his deck and bringing his scrunched-up hands to his face. "NOT MY BABY! SPARE LIL' SETO!" he sobbed. "I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!"
(Everyone in the elevator was watching in interest. This was the most exciting thing that had happened since Kaiba's tighty-whities had been exposed, and these people were always hungry for a show.)
"Or maybe," taunted Bakura, who was clearly enjoying this, "I'll just— EAT IT!"
Tears were running down Kaiba's face as he held his hands out hopelessly. "NOOOO!" he shrieked again as Bakura held it poised over his mouth. "PLEASE!!"
Bakura cackled again, and Kaiba suddenly hardened. Who did this freak think he was messing with?? He was Seto Kaiba, top duelist in the world, and this was HIS elevator, and he had HIS favorite card. With a loud shout of his war cry, Kaiba dove for Bakura. Bakura quickly moved out of the way and Kaiba smashed head-first into the corner. This didn't seem to phase him, however, because he got right back up and attacked Bakura again.
"GIMME THE CARD, YOU *&@$)&^!" he screamed, trying to pull Bakura's hair out.
"GET OFF ME, MORTAL!" screamed Bakura, trying to fight Kaiba away with one hand and hold onto the duelist's prize card with the other. He started to yell as Kaiba began to pound his head into the floor of the elevator.
"YOU WANT YOUR STUPID CARD?! HERE IT IS!!!" With a dark spell that jolted everyone in the elevator,
Bakura raised the card high— Kaiba lunged for it— a clap of thunder sounded—
And poor Seto Jr. burst into flame.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Kaiba in one really long note. "SETO JR.!!!" he shrieked. He snatched the burning card from Bakura and patted it wildly with his hand in an attempt to set the fire out. He finally succeeded, but poor lil' Seto was badly burned. Sobbing with rage and pain,
Kaiba kicked Bakura hard in the stomach and retreated into his corner, snatching up all his precious cards and holding them close.
Despite how evil Kaiba had always been in the past, Yugi and his friends couldn't help feeling a LITTLE sorry for him [key word: LITTLE, as in SO MINISCULY TINY, IF IT HAD BEEN EVEN ONE UMPTY BAJILLIONITH LESS IT WOULDN'T EVEN BE RECOGNIZABLE BY THE FINEST AND MOST EXPENSIVE MICROSCOPES AVAILABLE!]. Now that that show was over, however, everyone quickly got bored and waiting for something interesting.
[Hmmm…how long did they have to wait? Want to place some bets? Do I hear one second? Two? Do I have two seconds?]
Joey and Tristan had resumed…erm…wrestling? each other, and were doing it rather loudly and obnoxiously.
"Um…" Yami said hesitantly. "You know, guys, that kind of makes it look like you're, you know…gay."
Joey and Tristan immediately scrambled apart and made barfing noises. "Jeez, even if I was gay, he'd be my LAST choice!" spat Joey, wiping his clothes off frantically.
"I am totally not gay!" Tristan protested. He grinned. "Just ask Serenity," he added smugly.
Joey turned around to face Tristan, who gulped and backed away. "What did you just say about my sister?" asked Joey in a dangerously quiet tone.
"Um, nothing," Tristan said quickly.
"I'M GONNA PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT!" roared Joey, grabbing Tristan by the collar and shaking him as Tristan whimpered pitifully. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY LITTLE SISTER, YOU HEAR ME?!"
Fortunately for Tristan, this little escapade was suddenly interrupted when Ryou gasped and said, "Look!"
Everyone paused, Joey from bashing Tristan's skull in and everyone else from watching Joey bash Tristan's skull in to follow Ryou's pointing finger. It was pointing up, toward the ceiling…and the escape hatch!
Everyone (except Kaiba, who was in major-sulk mode, and Mai, who was filing her bonds frantically) gasped, and scrambled to get up and stand under the beautiful opening.
"I can't believe we forgot about that," Yami breathed.
"It's so beautiful," whispered Ryou.
"We can't use that, remember, guys?" put out Tristan. "The opening's too small."
"Maybe for you, fatso," barked Joey, shoving Tristan into a corner. Tristan's lower lip trembled.
"Still, just to be safe, we'd better get someone small to go through there," spoke Tea.
"Hmm, a good point," added Yami. "Someone skinny."
"Someone short," put in Joey.
"Someone missing a tooth," proclaimed Tea.
Yugi gulped as the tall people surrounded him and smiled down at him all-too-innocently.
"Someone like Yugi!" concluded Bakura, and the tall people all grabbed the poor little guy at once.
"Yeah, thanks for volunteering, pal!" added Joey as they lifted him up toward the opening.
"Wait, wait!" squealed Yugi. "WAIT!"
[Wait? WAIT? ISN'T WHAT THEY HAD BEEN DOING FOR SIX HOURS INSIDE A HOT, STUFFY, CRAMPED, DANGEROUS ELEVATOR?!]
They shoved Yugi against the top of the elevator, and the boy tried to stick his head out through the escape hatch opening. Unfortunately, there was a problem.
"Guys, my hair won't fit," complained Yugi.
"Try harder!" grunted Tea under the strain of Yugi's weight on her arms.
"It doesn't fit!" Yugi squealed.
"WE'LL MAKE IT FIT!" roared Yami, and Yugi was roughly shoved through the opening.
Unfortunately for Yugi, "making it fit" did not bode well with his hair, and his wig [gasp!] popped off as he made it through the opening. He uttered a high squeal and tried to put it back on. Luckily for Yugi, no one below had seen it come off.
"Yugi, are you all right?" asked Yami from below. "I'm coming up next!"
"NO!" Yugi shrieked, trying to fix his wig, which was nearly dead from the elevator's events. He couldn't bear to let Yami see that his hair was a wig, although he already knew about his bangs.
While everyone's attention was fixed on the escape hatch, Mai succeeded in cutting her final bond with her nail file. She quietly shook off the pieces of Kaiba's coat, and, with a screechy war cry, leaped onto Joey with her nail file raised high in attack position. Joey screamed like Tristan (a.k.a. a little girl) and Ryou and Yami again tried to restrain the mad woman. Yugi sat on top of the elevator, frantically trying to secure his wig to his head and wishing he had brought his little compact mirror with him. Kaiba sat in his corner, his face buried, trying to figure out how much this incident was going to cost him in therapy.
…And the elevator didn't move! (Because I know you all missed that line so much. I did too!)
