Chapter Five: Routine

I was surprised the next morning to find that Erin had come down on her own and gotten breakfast. I remembered her always been an early riser. She was in the TV room watching Hey Arnold when I found her. I guessed Rachel or Roberta must have told her where the TV was. Anthony still wasn't up. He usually slept late on Sundays. "Good morning," I said sitting down. "Morning," she said. We sat together watching the TV for a minute. "Did you sleep well?" I asked. "Yes, thank you," she answered not taking her eyes off the television. "I'm going to take you and Tyler shopping today," I told her. That caught her interest, "Really?" her eyes lit up. I laughed. "What?" she asked. "Nothing. I guess you like to shop," I said. She nodded, "What sixteen year old girl doesn't." she asked. I shrugged. "Do you think Tyler will be getting up soon?" I asked. She turned back to the TV, "He's up," she said. "Where is he?" I asked looking around in case I had missed him. "He's in his room, he'll be down in a minute," she said, "I'm going to get dressed," she stood up and left the room. Why would Tyler be awake but not come down? Was he nervous about coming to live with Anthony and I again? I didn't know how he could be. But as I thought about the previous night, I realized that Tyler hadn't said a single word. He barely smiled when he saw me again. I was like a mother to him in Monkton, shouldn't he be happy to see me again? Erin came down the stairs with Tyler trailing behind her. It looked like he was clinging to the back of her shirt. He used to do that with me when Pop would come home drunk. But he was safe here and he was a teenager now, shouldn't he have outgrown that by now? "Okay, let's go!" I said. I told Rachel to tell Anthony where we were going and we set out in my car. It took and hour to get to the city with the best mall. On the drive there, Tyler huddled in the back seat, not saying anything. Erin sat up front with me. I noticed that her white blouse was very tight and she was a little over developed in the chest area so she shouldn't be wearing something like that. I told myself to get her something that fit better while we were at the mall. "What was it like on Toronto?" Erin asked. I swallowed. I didn't really want to think about Toronto but I couldn't ignore Erin's question. Now that my half brother and sister were here, I had to face the past. "It was wonderful, Trevor really helped me get settled in," I told her. "Trevor?" he asked. Anthony hadn't told her about his twin brother? Well, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, they had never gotten along and as far as Anthony was concerned, Trevor didn't even exist. "Anthony's twin brother," I said. "Anthony has a twin?" Erin asked incredulously. "Yep," I said. I told her about school and the friends I had made. I left out the part about Derek, not wanted to think about him now. We arrived at the mall a little before lunch. WE went to the food court and had something to eat. Tyler only nibbled at his slice of pizza. I noticed how thin he was. I was starting to get a little worried about him; he was acting strange. But Erin didn't notice his behavior. We went to every store and bought jeans, pants, blouses, sweaters, T- shirts, underwear. We bought every possible thing. We could hardly carry all the bags. Erin was very excited about all the new clothes. Tyler didn't seem too happy though. It was as if he didn't really care if he had anything to wear. We passed a skateboard shop and I noticed that Tyler was staring into the window. He looked longingly at a skateboard with a red and orange flame design on it. We stopped at a bench in front of the store and Tyler kept gazing inside, but he didn't say anything. "Do you skateboard?" I asked him. "Not really," he said. His voice was deep and it surprised me. Well, he was thirteen so I guess it was normal. "Well, do you want a skateboard," I asked. Erin glanced back and forth between her brother and I. She looked afraid about what he would do. His face lit up a little, "Can I really get one?" he asked hopefully. "Let's go see how much they are," Erin stayed on the bench with the bags. I was about to follow Tyler into the store when Erin grabbed my wrist and pulled me back, "You better not break any promises with him," she said. I stared at her in surprise, "Why would I do that?" I asked. "Just saying," she let go of my wrist and I went into the store. This was getting weirder by the minute. Tyler was looking at the board with the fire design. I looked at the price. I didn't know what a good price for a skateboard would be but when I saw the happy look on his face I couldn't resist getting it for him. He deserved to get something he wanted for once. I paid for the board and Tyler carried it, finally looking happy. We had lunch in the food court. We were having trouble carrying all our bags so we went outside and put them in the car. I noticed that Erin was picking out clothes that were very revealing and probably a size too small for her. I tried to persuade her to get different things but she would look at me with ice in her eyes as if saying, you owe me. I let her buy what she wanted. I felt so weak, why couldn't I stand up to a sixteen year old? I felt awful about what they had been through since I left them. Erin had only been nine years old, she couldn't stand up to Pop, that had always been me or Anthony's job. We left the mall before suppertime. Erin was excited about decorating her room; she had never been able to have her own room before. I felt another pang of guilt when she said that. When we got back to the house, Tyler wanted to try out his new skateboard. I was nervous about him riding it on the icy driveway. "Maybe you should wait until later, we are going to eat supper," I told him. He looked disappointed but followed Erin and I into the house. Anthony helped us get all the bags from the car. "Did you guys buy the whole mall?" Anthony asked after the fourth trip to the car. "Almost," I answered laughing. We ordered pizza that night for dinner. Erin seemed a little uptight. She didn't smile when we did. She kept glancing at Tyler. Tyler ate very little; he didn't speak one word throughout the night. I was starting to get a little worried about him. Why didn't he speak? Finally we went to bed. I would take Erin and Tyler to school tomorrow. Tyler seemed to shrink closer to Erin when I told them this. They wouldn't go to the same school. Tyler was in grade eight and Erin in grade eleven. In bed I scooted into Anthony's arms and sighed. "I worried about Tyler," I said. "He's just shy, he'll get better," he said. That was one thing that bothered me about Anthony. He expected all our problems to solve themselves. He wouldn't do anything about a leaky pipe in the bathroom or a crack in the window. I would have to get a repairman out to the house. He thought everything would be fine if he just ignored it. I hoped there wasn't really anything wrong with Tyler. I closed my eyes and despite myself I imagined I was in Derek's arms. I imagined his soft hazel eyes staring into mine. I could feel him lovingly stroking my arm and my stomach and under my pajama shirt. I moaned. I missed Derek so much. I kept my eyes closed as he kissed my neck and pulled my shirt over my head. I ran my fingers through his shaggy hair. But something wasn't right, his hair wasn't shaggy, it was too short. My eyes popped open and I let out a small cry to see Anthony hovering above me. I pulled the covers up over my naked breasts and pushed him away. It wasn't Derek; I had imagined Anthony was Derek. What was wrong with me? "Skye? What's wrong?" Anthony asked, confused. I turned away from him as my eyes filled with tears, "I..I just..not now," I stammered. "But, that's not what you wanted a few seconds ago," he said, reaching over and putting his arm around my waist. He pulled my closer to him and I swallowed a gasp. I felt like I was cheating on Derek by doing this. That's ridiculous, I told myself, you are married to Anthony. "C'mon Skye," Anthony murmured into my hair. What could I do? I couldn't tell him that I wished he were really Derek. I loved Anthony. But I missed what I had with Derek. I pictured Derek standing in front of me, smiling. He looked into my eyes, like I remembered him doing many times before. He used to tell me that my eyes made him feel like he was floating. I felt him get into bed and kiss me everywhere. I let him take off my clothes and make love to me. I knew somewhere in the back of my head that it was really Anthony but I didn't let that knowledge ruin my memories. Tonight I was with Derek again. When it was over, Anthony rolled away from me and fell asleep. I cried softly. I wished he would hold me until we fell asleep together like Derek did. It felt like Anthony was just using me. What was I going to do? Why did Derek have to come and find me? Couldn't he just leave me to live my perfect simple life? I fell into a restless sleep.

I woke up to a loud thump that came from the room beside mine. My eyes snapped open. Trevor was gone. He must have gone back to his room while I was still asleep, I thought. I glanced at my clock; it was 5:30am. I got out of bed and put on a robe. I knew the thump had come from Anthony's room. I snuck out into the hall and went to his door. I knocked twice. No answer. "Anthony," I called quietly. I opened the door slowly and gasped at what I saw. The walls of Anthony's room were covered in pictures of me. Big ones and small ones, the entire room was a collage of me. There were even some baby pictures and pictures from Monkton. That is when I realized that Anthony hadn't just developed a crush on me, he had been obsessed with me ever since we lived in the trailer. Even though he thought we were brother and sister! He was in love with me. Suddenly he jumped out from behind the door. "You weren't supposed to see it yet, but oh well, what do you think?" he had a drowsy look in his eyes. But they were alert and wide waiting for my reaction. I only stood there and stared in horror. Anthony jumped up in the air and flailed around like a fish out of water. I stepped back afraid of his strange behavior. "Anthony, why did you do this?" I finally choked out. He stared at me, a hurt look forming on his face, "You mean you don't know?" he asked, "I love you always and forever," he chanted "always and forever," I jerked awake suddenly. I was sweating. The morning sun was filtering into the room through the filmy curtains. I was at home, in Duncan. It had just been a dream. A terrible dream. Dreams of the collage Anthony had made of me had haunted me until his return to Toronto from his Grandparents house. They had stopped once I saw he was normal now. But I was remembering how obsessed Anthony had been with me. I had made him like that. I had later pushed Trevor away and he had turned to alcohol, which had led to his untimely death. Everything was my fault. At that time the only person I hadn't hurt was Derek. And then what did I decide to do? Leave Toronto and Derek forever. I finally realized that by leaving I had only hurt more people even more. "No," I said to myself. You have to forget the past. Think about the future, your future with Anthony. I got up and showered. I had to take Erin and Tyler to school today. When I got to the kitchen I found them both eating cereal that Roberta had gotten out for them. I was happy to see the Tyler had decided to come down on his own today. "Good morning," I said, commanding my voice to be steady. "Morning," Erin said. Tyler sat beside her silently. "Are you ready to go to school?" I asked cheerfully. Tyler shuddered a little and started to fiddle with Erin's shirt. She gently pushed his hands away and nodded. We left the house a few minutes later. Tyler huddled in the back seat looking like a frightened puppy. I felt my heart break at how shy he was. I couldn't help wondering if he was like that because of me. Had he become like this so no one could ever hurt him again? We went to Tyler's school first. Duncan District Elementary School. Erin came inside with us. Tyler wouldn't go inside until she gently pulled him out of the car and held his hand. I was very concerned. A thirteen year old shouldn't have to have his hand held. We met the principal Mr. Sanders. He was a short, chubby man with light brown that was thinning out on the top. He wore a brown suit and he smiled warmly when we entered. I thought he seemed very pleasant. Apparently Tyler didn't feel the same way because he hovered by the door while Erin and I sat down on the chairs in front of Mr. Sanders' desk. "I'm sure Tyler will enjoy our school," Mr. Sanders said, "I'll get Miss Moss to take you to you class room," he said to Tyler. Tyler glanced at Erin nervously and she nodded. He left the room and Mr. Sanders turned back to us. "He's a quiet boy I see," he said. "He's just nervous around strangers," Erin snapped. Mr. Sanders looked startled. I was surprised to hear her speak to the principal that way also, but I didn't say anything. "Just please keep an eye on him for the first week," I said. "Oh, of course, we take great pride in the success of our students," Mr. Sanders said. We stood and shook hands and Erin and I were off to Duncan Secondary School. In the parking lot I grabbed Erin's wrist before she could get out. "Is there anything you need to tell me about Tyler?" I asked her. She sat back and sighed, "When you left he became more quiet than he was before but he was still okay. But when Anthony left, he just couldn't handle it. He stopped talking altogether. Pop would try to beat the words out of him but that would only make him cry silently. He didn't even make any noise when he sobbed. I love him so much, it was so hard to watch him in so much pain," she told me. Sorrow welled up in my chest. So it was my fault. I never should have left Monkton. All I had done was ruin people's lives. How could I have been so damn selfish? "While we were in foster care he went to a therapist, he's gotten a lot better, but he's still very fragile," Erin told me. "We will help him, he will be ok," I said more for myself than for Erin. We went into Erin's school and got her registered and into her classes. I was driving home when I saw Nikola out for a walk. A beeped the horn and she jumped in surprise. I laughed and pulled up beside her. "Sorry," I said smiling. She smiled back, "Hey, what's up," she asked. "Long story," I said. "How about you come back to my house and tell me about it," she said. She got in the passengers side and I drove us to her house. I saw Derek's quiet little house and felt a sadness creep into my bones. I wondered for a minute what he was doing but pushed that thought out of my head quickly. Inside Nikola made us some hot chocolate and I told her about my half brother and sister. I told her absolutely everything. I didn't realize how badly I needed someone to talk to. Rachel didn't have much free time anymore. She was out with Wesley constantly. I started to cry when I looked out the window and saw the checkered red and white curtains in Derek's window. Those should have been our curtains. We should have been making our family right now. Nikola came over to me and hugged me tightly. "You have Anthony, you have to focus on your marriage right now. I know Derek isn't exactly making it easy for you but you have to think about your husband and your brother and sister," she said. I knew she was right but I just didn't want that. I wanted a life with Derek. I knew I was an awful person. How could I do this to Anthony? "Yes," I decided, "Anthony is who I love," I would not think about Derek anymore. That part of my life was over. Just because he was here didn't mean I had to do anything about it. I would be fine. My family would be fine. "Thank you Nikola," I told her gratefully," I have to get home," I stood up and went to the door. "Don't' worry Skye, everything will work out how it is meant to," Nikola said. I left her house. I didn't even glance at Derek's house but I could sense someone watching me from the window. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the red and white curtain part. From now on it was not Derek who lived there, it was just Nikola's new neighbor.