Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IX belongs to Squaresoft, not me XP

Author's Note: Well, here's the second chapter that a lot of you seemed to be waiting for. I just started replaying FFIX a few days ago and it reminded me why I love that game so much XD Thanks for all your comments and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

How to Ride a Chocobo

Lesson II – The Scam Continues

Emerald: Welcome back to Embi Ranch. Once you've chosen your chocobo from the stables we'll begin our second lesson. But first I'd like to introduce a new student, Miss Beatrix.

Beatrix: (steps forward and waves)

(Beatrix, Dagger, Vivi, Eiko, Quina, Freya, and Amarant head toward stables.)

Steiner: B-be-be-be…

Zidane: Come on, Rusty. I'm sure she won't be impressed with your amazing stuttering ability.

Steiner: (glares at Zidane) (falls to knees)

You're right! You have to help me! I need advice to impress my Stella!

Zidane: Stella?

Steiner: It's a new nickname I came up with… Please, will you help me?

Zidane: Uh… Sure, why not?

Steiner: Oh, thank you. You have my eternal gratitude!

Zidane: Great…

* * *

[stables]

Freya: (to Amarant) I thought you weren't coming back for lessons.

Amarant: … … I lied.

Freya: Right.

Eiko: (sniffs air) Ew! It still smells like chocobo poop! How often do they clean this place?

Vivi: A-actually once a year.

(everyone stares)

Vivi: I-I read it on a sign!

Quina: You think this smell terrible? I think I in heaven!

Eiko: Gross! I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Quina: Me leaving. Frog pond smell much better. (runs, or running for Quina ^^, out of stables.)

Eiko: (mutters) I feel sorry for the frogs.

* * *

[everyone is looking at the chocobo]

Zidane: Now's your chance, Rusty. Go talk to Beatrix.

Steiner: A-about what?

Zidane: (pushes Steiner toward Beatrix) Anything!

Steiner: H-hello Beatrix.

Beatrix: Oh, hello Steiner.

Steiner: D-did you know an oglop can live for several weeks without its head. O-or that Catoblepas dung is used in over one hundred Alexandrian delicacies, including seaweed pasta?

Beatrix: (turns green and runs out of stables)

Steiner: Wait! I haven't told you about Malboro tentacles yet!

Zidane: (sighs) Maybe "anything" wasn't such a good idea.

* * *

Vivi: (reads sign posted by chocobo pen)

"Please do not feed the chocobo. A recent incident has left a former student with one less finger and us with one more lawsuit – Embi Ranch Staff" I didn't think chocobo were violent. M-maybe taking lessons isn't such a good idea. I kinda like my fingers where they are…

* * *

Dagger: I wonder what we'll be learning today. Something useful I hope.

Zidane: I wouldn't count on it. This is the only chocobo riding school in Gaia. They're gonna keep making us come back for lessons until we stop coming.

Dagger: ???

Zidane: People these days will do anything for a quick Gil…

* * *

[lesson area]

Emerald: I see you all have a chocobo. Great! Today you will be learning how to dance like a chocobo.

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Emerald: Chocobo, line up! (blows whistle)

(chocobo rush forward and line up facing the group.)

Emerald: (blows whistle twice)

(chocobo start "dancing")

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Emerald: (blows whistle, chocobo stop dancing and line up again) Okay, now it's your turn.

Vivi: H-how are we supposed to do that?

Eiko: Forget how. WHY?

Emerald: Dancing like a chocobo helps you understand a chocobo.

Eiko: That's supposed to convince us?

Emerald: Yes.

Eiko: (sighs)

Zidane: Come on, it's easy!

(does something resembling the chicken dance)

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Vivi: Well… I-I'll try.

(does something resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

Dagger: Okay…

(does something resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

Eiko: Fine.

(does something resembling Dagger's resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

Beatrix: Alright.

(does something resembling Eiko's resembling Dagger's resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

Steiner: R-right! (I'll show Beatrix what I can do!)

(does something resembling a Gigan Octopus out of water)

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Freya: Moving on…

(does something resembling Beatrix's resembling Eiko's resembling Dagger's resembling Vivi's resembling Zidane's chicken dance)

Amarant: …

Emerald: Mr. Amarant, wouldn't you like to try?

Amarant: … No.

Emerald: Why not?

Amarant: … … Making a fool of myself isn't high on my list of priorities right now.

Emerald: … N-now that you have mastered the dance, you must learn how to sing like a chocobo.

Dagger: (whispers) Chocobo sing?

Vivi: H-how are we supposed to do that?

Eiko: Forget how. WHY?

Emerald: Singing like a chocobo helps you understand a chocobo.

Eiko: That's supposed to convince us?

Emerald: Yes.

Eiko: (sighs)

Freya: …This conversation seems familiar…

Zidane: (whispers) Go on, Rusty. Show Beatrix you can sing.

Steiner: Y-yes. Ahem. (takes a deep breath) Kweh! Kweh! Kweh! Kweeeehhhhh! KWEEEHHH!!!

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Zidane: (sighs) Maybe "singing wasn't such a good idea.

Emerald: I think we better move on before everyone goes temporarily deaf.

Vivi: I-it's too late for that. I think Eiko already has…

Amarant: …That would be a relief. She's an annoying little brat.

Eiko: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING! ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? WELL— Oh, I can hear again. (giggles)

Emerald: The last thing you will learn today is how to fall off of a speeding chocobo.

Vivi: I-isn't that dangerous?

Emerald: Not at all. Now everyone get on your chocobo.

(everyone gets on chocobo)

Zidane: Rusty, if Beatrix falls off her chocobo before you, which I doubt, help her up.

Steiner: Y-yes! That is what a true knight would do!

Emerald: Ready? Here we go!

(gyshal greens attached to poles are dangled in front of each chocobo)

Chocobo: KWEH!!! (rush forward)

Everyone: Ahhhh!!

* * *

Steiner: (gums flapping) Must stay on. Beatrix must fall first. Prove I good knight. Can't hold on. (falls off chocobo)

Zidane: [There goes Rusty. His chances with Beatrix are slim now. Good thing I'm not gonna make a fool of myself. Huh?]

(gyshal green falls off pole and chocobo screeches to a halt)

Zidane: Whoa! (flys off chocobo)

* * *

Eiko: [This is easy! Who could ever fall off a chocobo going this fast?]

(Eiko's chocobo is sleeping)

Eiko: What? (notices chocobo is asleep) Wake UP!

Eiko's Chocobo: Kweh? KWEH!! (dashes forward)

Eiko: Ahh! (falls off chocobo) Spoke too soon…

* * *

Vivi: [This is dangerous! I'll just close my eyes and hope for the best. Oh!] (falls off chocobo)

* * *

Dagger: [We haven't learned anything useful! I'm going to complain to the sta-] (falls off chocobo)

* * *

(Freya and Amarant are riding comfortably side-by-side on speeding chocobo)

Freya: Wanna race?

Amarant: … You know it.

(Freya and Amarant urge their chocobo to go faster)

(chocobo are running as hard as they can and… fall into an unexpected pothole)

Freya and Amarant: … …

* * *

Beatrix: (looks behind her) [Everyone has fallen off already. Well, I was always one to follow the crowd.] (falls off chocobo)

* * *

Emerald: (walks between twitching bodies) Wonderful! You have learned the proper way to fall off a speeding chocobo! Today's lesson is over and our souvenir shop is stocked with the latest in chocobo products. (walks away)

Eiko: (gets up off the ground and dusts herself off) I'm going to the gift shop. Coming Vivi?

Vivi: O-okay.

(Eiko and Vivi head to the souvenir shop)

Dagger: I can't believe we haven't learned even learned how to ride a chocobo yet! Isn't that what this school is supposed to teach us?

Zidane: It's a scam, remember?

Dagger: Then why did we come back?

Zidane: … … …

Dagger: (sighs)

* * *

Steiner: [I am positive I haven't won Stella's heart yet… But I must persevere! I am the Captain of the Knights of Pluto! I don't need that monkey's help. I'm sweet. I'm charming. I'm intelligent. I'm loveable. I'm caring. I'm—]

* * *

Beatrix: [Steiner seems to be acting strangely. I better talk to him about eating all those gyshal pickles. And now he's staring at that wall. It must be the gyshal pickles.]

* * *

Amarant: …Why did I come back?

Freya: I do recall it was because you "lied."

Amarant: … … Oh, yeah.

* * *

[frog pond]

(frogs jumping and croaking)

Quina: No froggies! Why you die! It smell like wonderful gyshal pickle farm!

(frogs continue to croak)

* * *

[souvenir shop]

Eiko: (rushes over to a rack of t-shirts) Wow! Look at these shirts! They're so cool!

Vivi: (reads t-shirt) "I survived Embi Ranch." I wonder why they have so many of these?

Eiko: Oh! (rushes over to stack of books) Look at this one!

Vivi: (reads title) "Choco Goes to School."

Eiko: I have to buy it! To complete my "Choco" series collection!

Vivi: Umm, "Choco" series?

Eiko: (nods) Yeah. I have "Choco Goes to a Party," "Choco Goes to the Beach," "Choco Goes to the Circus," "Where's Choco?" and, my personal favorite, "Choco Gets Smashed."

Vivi: D-did you say "smashed?"

Eiko: Yup.

Vivi: O-oh…

Four-Armed Man: [It's that brat and that mage again. I better not let them see me in case they caught on to that dictionary scam.] (pulls chocobo mask off shelf and puts it on) (voice is muffled) Can I help you little brats—I mean little kids?

Eiko: (This guy seems familiar. Pale. Red hair. Four arms. …Nope, never seem him before.]

Vivi: E-eiko?

Eiko: Oh! I'd like to buy this book!

Four-Armed Man: That will be 15 000 Gil!

Eiko: 15 000 GIL! ARE YOU CRAZY!?

Four-Armed Man: Alright, I'll give you the discount price… 10 000 Gil.

Eiko: I can't afford that! I'm just a little kid!

Four-Armed Man: That's true. Tell you what. I'll make you a deal and cut the price in half, only 5 000 Gil.

Eiko: Hmm… Well, okay. (pays 5 000 Gil) Thanks Mr. Chocobo Man. Let's go Vivi!

(Eiko and Vivi leave shop)

Four-Armed Man: [Hahahaha! I did it again! I'm such a genius! It's a counterfeit copy I wrote myself. I'm surprised it hasn't sold more copies… Ah! Can't breathe! Not enough oxygen! Damn, these imitation masks!] (falls to ground)

* * *

[lesson area]

(Zidane, Dagger, and Beatrix are staring at Steiner who is staring at the wall]

Dagger: He's been like this for hours. Shouldn't we tell him it's time to go?

Zidane: Nah, it's fun to watch him stand there like a zombie.

[Zidane, Dagger, and Beatrix leave]

Steiner: [I'm strong. I'm incredibly good-looking. And I make a mean Gyshal-Pickle Pie! Yes, any woman would be delighted to be in my company. Now, to talk to Beatrix!] (turns around) Beatrix, may I have a word with you? ??? Hey, where is she? Where did everybody go?

[Any comments? Please review ^^]