Right. RIGHT then. I'll just let 'em suffer a little while.
If you have any request on what should happen next, feel free to mail me or express yourself in a review. You think that Glorfindel & Haldir should definitely remain a couple ?
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It's dark. So dark that I can't even see silhouettes. I don't know where I am and I don't really want to know. My head hurts, too much stress I guess. So I'm not dead. I must be asleep or something, dreaming probably and thinking the same time. The state just remains the same for a long time. What about glorfindel ? I want to weep. Why is he not here ? And is he still alive ? It pierces me heart to think he's not. I don't want to wake up if he has . has died.
I don't put up a struggle to fend off the sleep, heavy like lead, forcing my horrid thoughts to cease for a while. The next time I come to, I feel that somebody is holding my hand. Glorfindel ? Please ! Now I'm really making an effort to get rid of the unconsciousness feeling in my head and the whole body. Gradually it fades away and I can see the light shining through my eyelids. I want to scream glorfindel's name but my lips refuse to obey. They feel numb, like all of me, it feels like a corpse would be resurrected.
'Haldir ? Wach auf, bitte. Ich kann dich nicht leiden sehen .' Hm ? That's not glorfindel's voice and I feel disappointment surge through me. I can't even understand the language the other elf is speaking. How I know that it is an elf holding my hand ? You just know it, from the voice, the feel of his fingertips on your skin and from a knowledge deep deep down that I can't even control willingly. But what did he say ?
'Haldir, wake up.' Legolas. That little non-rivendellish accent that only and no one else than the mirkwood-elves have. 'Legolas .' Suddenly my lips express my thoughts even though I did not intend to.
'Yes. Come on and wake up.'
'I want to die .'
'Don't you ,' whispers legolas. 'Don't you wanna know what happened to glorfindel before I leave you and you do that?'
'Glorfindel ?' My eyes snap open. The light is blinding them but I keep them open, wide open to stare at legolas. 'He didn't die, did he ?'
Legolas suddenly looks very serious. 'No. No, he didn't. But he's not truly alive anymore. I'm so sorry, haldir.'
It's like blow in the face. I feel so numb again. Legolas pulls me into a sitting position and puts his arms around me. I know what he means with not being truly alive. Not the details, but something anyway. And it's worse than to be dead. I can't cry. This fact is beyond tears. It's like my soul has died and accepts the fate without a reaction. I claw my hands in legolas back and I feel that it's hurting him but he just grits his teeth.
'You looked like you would be going into his state as well. All you need to survive is attention a lot of attention and physical contact to someone who is very close to you. I tried to keep both you and glorfindel but I just couldn't . And I couldn't find anyone else who'd do it, sitting in here for weeks, day and night. I . I just had to decide if it's him or you I want to see waking up again.'
'Why didn't you choose him. It would've made me happier than being alive without him.'
'You know he'd asked me why I didn't choose you when I had done the opposite of what I thought was right to do.'
'Why me, then ? You were in love with him !'
'Yes. And I still am. But I know that I'm never going to be with him. You've been in love for nearly a thousand years without even noticing it and now ? You noticed it and it's gonna be worse for me. - But the fact that made me do it was that glorfindel is, well, pretty old already and has experienced all there is to experience for an elf . but you didn't.'
'And I'm not going to.'
'I know. But I had to make you wake up. It was the least I could do.'
'What is that sleep that glorfindel fell into exactly, legolas ?'
I keep talking even though my heart is burning with pain and finally the tears fall free.
Legolas strokes my back. 'Well, all I know is that they call it 'schlaf der gebrochenen herzen' in the regions where it first occured, 'sleep of the broken hearts'. Glorfindel first fainted, thinking that you don't love him . and then just slid on into that sleep, because he doesn't have the energy and the want to live but he's not going to die . because you must have said it once before. And you haven't denied it from then on.'
'Denied what ?'
'That you love him .'
'No, of course I didn't deny it. I said it right before he . fainted.'
'See, that's what keeps him alive. He's still immortal but he'll never wake up again.'
'Never ?'
'I think it's impossible. There were elf kept in that state for over 4000 years without so much as moving,' he says and then looking at me. 'I wish I could help you.'
'Be with me for a while. I don't want to be alone.'
'You don't want to die anymore ?'
'Is that what glorfindel would've wanted ?'
'No. No, he would want you to live on. Even if it's hard.'
'It is.'
'I'll try to help you.'
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The next weeks and month are the most terrible in my life. The first time I had to look at glorfindel I just fainted, because I couldn't take it.
He's still so mesmerizing beautiful. Like he's just sleeping and is going to wake up every minute now to smile at me. It's horrid and hurts more than I can describe.
I'm with him all the time. I'm sitting on the bedside all day and do whatever is necessary and sleep by his side every night, knowing that I'm the only one to rise from the sleep. Sometimes I'm reading to him all night because I can't sleep because of anguishing thoughts. Or because I'm thinking of the time we spend together. Every time I recall his lips on mine, his hands running through my hair, any loving gesture I just start to weep and my heart dies again.
I'm not going out. Just for a quick lunch and things that are otherwise inevitable, but I never leave for long.
Legolas is keeping me company in the long nights, when I can't find sleep and read stories of love to my lifeless glorfindel on his bed. Sometimes I fall asleep in legolas' arms, the book still open on my lap and in those moments I'm so happy that he's with me.
It's just like this, years and years, I've lost the count. I became lonely and I'm afraid of all the other elves. Legolas is the only one in this world I allow to touch me and be close to me. He stayed through all those years, even though he wouldn't have had to be with me.
On sundays I'm always sitting on the bed and brush glorfindel's long golden hair strands until they are falling in shiny ripples over the pillow. He started moving again, turns around in his sleep and sometimes, just sometimes he smiles and even though I'm feeling like crying in that moment I always kiss his lips gently and hope that wherever he is, he'll notice.
Legolas is coming to visit me after he fulfilled the entire request that his work requires. He took up glorfindel's charges to stay in rivendell. Because being with his family in mirkwood all the time makes him sick, he says. I know that stays because of me.
'Wonderful afternoon, isn't it, haldir, glorfindel ?' he says when he bursts through the door today. He talks to glorfindel sometimes and in the beginning I was jealous and it took me a long time to accept that glorfindel's reaction stayed indifferent most of the time. Now I'm okay with it.
'Just as beautiful as any ,' I reply and look up from my work.
'Don't you know what day today is, sweetheart ?', he asks, smiling.
'No, I don't. Why ? What day is it ?' Sweetheart. He calls me that a long time already. A teasing name for me, a sign of affection.
He sits down on the bedside and puts his arms around me. 'It's your brithday, you little fool. Have you forgotten all about it ?'
'It is ?'
'Yes. I got something for you.'
'Really. You shouldn't have .'
'Yes. I should. You know how much you matter to me.'
'Don't say that.'
'I know, to you only glorfindel matters and I'm fine with it. But I care about you even though I get nothing in return.'
'It's not that I don't like you .'
'It's fine, haldir. You don't have to say anything about that.'
I cast my eyes down. I owe so much to this elf and I'm more than ashamed that I can't tell him that I care about him. And I do care about him. More than for any elf in this world, except glorfindel. And in a way I love him. Not like in *love* love but I couldn't ever imagine to be without him.
'Come on, I'll show you what I got for you .'
'How long does it take?'
'Some time .'
'How long exactly ?'
'Does it really matter ?'
I look at him waiting for me at the door so anxiously that his cheeks are flushed, then at glorfindel lying on the bed with no sign of life on him except his steady breath.
Can I say no ?
'Legolas, I don't know .'
'Please. You haven't been out of here for half a century. Please come with me just this one time.'
'Half a century ?'
'Yes ,' legolas says sadly.
Another gentle look at glorfindel.
'Would you mind if I just leave for a little while, love ? I promise I'll be back by dusk.'
He smiles. I can't believe it.
'Th-thank you.' I kiss his lips and walk over to legolas who watched stunned.
'He smiled ,' I explain. 'So I'll be going with you.'
It's like going through the halls of rivendell for the first time. Everything looks so strange and all the elves are looking at me. Little elves are playing on the floor and they don't even know me. Legolas has put his arm around my waist as if to shelter me from all the looks.
'Don't worry. They are just curious.'
'I know. It feels weird.'
'Shh. We're nearly at the stables.'
'What ?'
'You'll see .'
Two white horses saddled and ready for a ride are waiting tethered outside the stables. It's just as strange to be on the fresh, warm air and so see for miles and miles without a wall in sight.
'Let's go. It'll be great .'
I feel torn. Of course I want to go and ride with legolas. But glorfindel is alone, all alone up in his room. Legolas sees it in my eyes.
'If you really really want to you can go back now. This is more than you have done for years. And I won't force you to go with me.'
I want to turn around and leave. Wait. Not really. Of course, I want to go back to glorfindel but after all that legolas did for me, is this asked too much in return.
I timidly walk towards the horse that looks at me with quivering nostrils and suddenly, sensing my nervousness, rears. I jump back, stumble and legolas catches me in his arms.
'You are afraid. After so long time you haven't even seen a horse .'
'Yes. I'm sorry .'
'It's okay. Wait and see.'
He removes the saddle from his horse and mounts gracefully. Then he offers his hand to me.
'What do you mean ?'
'Don't worry. He can carry both of us.'
Oh my god. I'm going to ride with him. No. yes . no . I close my eyes and reach out my hand. Legolas assists me with getting on the horse and places me safely behind him, where I can hold on.
I couldn't remember what it was like to sit on a horse but suddenly it all comes flooding back to me. Legolas leads the horse away from rivendell and soon we are flying over the meadows and through the forests as if weightless. I'm clinging to legolas, watch the hills and tries go by and legolas' golden hair ripple in the wind.
The sun is shining and there is no wind, just endless green landscape, still no walls to keep me and block the sight. I haven't felt so alive in years. It's like waking from a long long sleep.
'And ? What do you say ?'
'It's great ,' I whisper, not noticing that I'm actually crying. For the first time in fifty years I really mean : It's great. And not 'I couldn't care less.'
'Love to hear that.'
'Legolas ?'
'Mm ?' It's burning on my mind I can't keep it back.
'I really really care about you .'
Legolas slows the horse down to a nice walk and looks at me over his shoulder. 'I know.'
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If you have any request on what should happen next, feel free to mail me or express yourself in a review. You think that Glorfindel & Haldir should definitely remain a couple ?
----------------------------------------------------------------------~*~--- ------------------------------------------------------------------
It's dark. So dark that I can't even see silhouettes. I don't know where I am and I don't really want to know. My head hurts, too much stress I guess. So I'm not dead. I must be asleep or something, dreaming probably and thinking the same time. The state just remains the same for a long time. What about glorfindel ? I want to weep. Why is he not here ? And is he still alive ? It pierces me heart to think he's not. I don't want to wake up if he has . has died.
I don't put up a struggle to fend off the sleep, heavy like lead, forcing my horrid thoughts to cease for a while. The next time I come to, I feel that somebody is holding my hand. Glorfindel ? Please ! Now I'm really making an effort to get rid of the unconsciousness feeling in my head and the whole body. Gradually it fades away and I can see the light shining through my eyelids. I want to scream glorfindel's name but my lips refuse to obey. They feel numb, like all of me, it feels like a corpse would be resurrected.
'Haldir ? Wach auf, bitte. Ich kann dich nicht leiden sehen .' Hm ? That's not glorfindel's voice and I feel disappointment surge through me. I can't even understand the language the other elf is speaking. How I know that it is an elf holding my hand ? You just know it, from the voice, the feel of his fingertips on your skin and from a knowledge deep deep down that I can't even control willingly. But what did he say ?
'Haldir, wake up.' Legolas. That little non-rivendellish accent that only and no one else than the mirkwood-elves have. 'Legolas .' Suddenly my lips express my thoughts even though I did not intend to.
'Yes. Come on and wake up.'
'I want to die .'
'Don't you ,' whispers legolas. 'Don't you wanna know what happened to glorfindel before I leave you and you do that?'
'Glorfindel ?' My eyes snap open. The light is blinding them but I keep them open, wide open to stare at legolas. 'He didn't die, did he ?'
Legolas suddenly looks very serious. 'No. No, he didn't. But he's not truly alive anymore. I'm so sorry, haldir.'
It's like blow in the face. I feel so numb again. Legolas pulls me into a sitting position and puts his arms around me. I know what he means with not being truly alive. Not the details, but something anyway. And it's worse than to be dead. I can't cry. This fact is beyond tears. It's like my soul has died and accepts the fate without a reaction. I claw my hands in legolas back and I feel that it's hurting him but he just grits his teeth.
'You looked like you would be going into his state as well. All you need to survive is attention a lot of attention and physical contact to someone who is very close to you. I tried to keep both you and glorfindel but I just couldn't . And I couldn't find anyone else who'd do it, sitting in here for weeks, day and night. I . I just had to decide if it's him or you I want to see waking up again.'
'Why didn't you choose him. It would've made me happier than being alive without him.'
'You know he'd asked me why I didn't choose you when I had done the opposite of what I thought was right to do.'
'Why me, then ? You were in love with him !'
'Yes. And I still am. But I know that I'm never going to be with him. You've been in love for nearly a thousand years without even noticing it and now ? You noticed it and it's gonna be worse for me. - But the fact that made me do it was that glorfindel is, well, pretty old already and has experienced all there is to experience for an elf . but you didn't.'
'And I'm not going to.'
'I know. But I had to make you wake up. It was the least I could do.'
'What is that sleep that glorfindel fell into exactly, legolas ?'
I keep talking even though my heart is burning with pain and finally the tears fall free.
Legolas strokes my back. 'Well, all I know is that they call it 'schlaf der gebrochenen herzen' in the regions where it first occured, 'sleep of the broken hearts'. Glorfindel first fainted, thinking that you don't love him . and then just slid on into that sleep, because he doesn't have the energy and the want to live but he's not going to die . because you must have said it once before. And you haven't denied it from then on.'
'Denied what ?'
'That you love him .'
'No, of course I didn't deny it. I said it right before he . fainted.'
'See, that's what keeps him alive. He's still immortal but he'll never wake up again.'
'Never ?'
'I think it's impossible. There were elf kept in that state for over 4000 years without so much as moving,' he says and then looking at me. 'I wish I could help you.'
'Be with me for a while. I don't want to be alone.'
'You don't want to die anymore ?'
'Is that what glorfindel would've wanted ?'
'No. No, he would want you to live on. Even if it's hard.'
'It is.'
'I'll try to help you.'
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The next weeks and month are the most terrible in my life. The first time I had to look at glorfindel I just fainted, because I couldn't take it.
He's still so mesmerizing beautiful. Like he's just sleeping and is going to wake up every minute now to smile at me. It's horrid and hurts more than I can describe.
I'm with him all the time. I'm sitting on the bedside all day and do whatever is necessary and sleep by his side every night, knowing that I'm the only one to rise from the sleep. Sometimes I'm reading to him all night because I can't sleep because of anguishing thoughts. Or because I'm thinking of the time we spend together. Every time I recall his lips on mine, his hands running through my hair, any loving gesture I just start to weep and my heart dies again.
I'm not going out. Just for a quick lunch and things that are otherwise inevitable, but I never leave for long.
Legolas is keeping me company in the long nights, when I can't find sleep and read stories of love to my lifeless glorfindel on his bed. Sometimes I fall asleep in legolas' arms, the book still open on my lap and in those moments I'm so happy that he's with me.
It's just like this, years and years, I've lost the count. I became lonely and I'm afraid of all the other elves. Legolas is the only one in this world I allow to touch me and be close to me. He stayed through all those years, even though he wouldn't have had to be with me.
On sundays I'm always sitting on the bed and brush glorfindel's long golden hair strands until they are falling in shiny ripples over the pillow. He started moving again, turns around in his sleep and sometimes, just sometimes he smiles and even though I'm feeling like crying in that moment I always kiss his lips gently and hope that wherever he is, he'll notice.
Legolas is coming to visit me after he fulfilled the entire request that his work requires. He took up glorfindel's charges to stay in rivendell. Because being with his family in mirkwood all the time makes him sick, he says. I know that stays because of me.
'Wonderful afternoon, isn't it, haldir, glorfindel ?' he says when he bursts through the door today. He talks to glorfindel sometimes and in the beginning I was jealous and it took me a long time to accept that glorfindel's reaction stayed indifferent most of the time. Now I'm okay with it.
'Just as beautiful as any ,' I reply and look up from my work.
'Don't you know what day today is, sweetheart ?', he asks, smiling.
'No, I don't. Why ? What day is it ?' Sweetheart. He calls me that a long time already. A teasing name for me, a sign of affection.
He sits down on the bedside and puts his arms around me. 'It's your brithday, you little fool. Have you forgotten all about it ?'
'It is ?'
'Yes. I got something for you.'
'Really. You shouldn't have .'
'Yes. I should. You know how much you matter to me.'
'Don't say that.'
'I know, to you only glorfindel matters and I'm fine with it. But I care about you even though I get nothing in return.'
'It's not that I don't like you .'
'It's fine, haldir. You don't have to say anything about that.'
I cast my eyes down. I owe so much to this elf and I'm more than ashamed that I can't tell him that I care about him. And I do care about him. More than for any elf in this world, except glorfindel. And in a way I love him. Not like in *love* love but I couldn't ever imagine to be without him.
'Come on, I'll show you what I got for you .'
'How long does it take?'
'Some time .'
'How long exactly ?'
'Does it really matter ?'
I look at him waiting for me at the door so anxiously that his cheeks are flushed, then at glorfindel lying on the bed with no sign of life on him except his steady breath.
Can I say no ?
'Legolas, I don't know .'
'Please. You haven't been out of here for half a century. Please come with me just this one time.'
'Half a century ?'
'Yes ,' legolas says sadly.
Another gentle look at glorfindel.
'Would you mind if I just leave for a little while, love ? I promise I'll be back by dusk.'
He smiles. I can't believe it.
'Th-thank you.' I kiss his lips and walk over to legolas who watched stunned.
'He smiled ,' I explain. 'So I'll be going with you.'
It's like going through the halls of rivendell for the first time. Everything looks so strange and all the elves are looking at me. Little elves are playing on the floor and they don't even know me. Legolas has put his arm around my waist as if to shelter me from all the looks.
'Don't worry. They are just curious.'
'I know. It feels weird.'
'Shh. We're nearly at the stables.'
'What ?'
'You'll see .'
Two white horses saddled and ready for a ride are waiting tethered outside the stables. It's just as strange to be on the fresh, warm air and so see for miles and miles without a wall in sight.
'Let's go. It'll be great .'
I feel torn. Of course I want to go and ride with legolas. But glorfindel is alone, all alone up in his room. Legolas sees it in my eyes.
'If you really really want to you can go back now. This is more than you have done for years. And I won't force you to go with me.'
I want to turn around and leave. Wait. Not really. Of course, I want to go back to glorfindel but after all that legolas did for me, is this asked too much in return.
I timidly walk towards the horse that looks at me with quivering nostrils and suddenly, sensing my nervousness, rears. I jump back, stumble and legolas catches me in his arms.
'You are afraid. After so long time you haven't even seen a horse .'
'Yes. I'm sorry .'
'It's okay. Wait and see.'
He removes the saddle from his horse and mounts gracefully. Then he offers his hand to me.
'What do you mean ?'
'Don't worry. He can carry both of us.'
Oh my god. I'm going to ride with him. No. yes . no . I close my eyes and reach out my hand. Legolas assists me with getting on the horse and places me safely behind him, where I can hold on.
I couldn't remember what it was like to sit on a horse but suddenly it all comes flooding back to me. Legolas leads the horse away from rivendell and soon we are flying over the meadows and through the forests as if weightless. I'm clinging to legolas, watch the hills and tries go by and legolas' golden hair ripple in the wind.
The sun is shining and there is no wind, just endless green landscape, still no walls to keep me and block the sight. I haven't felt so alive in years. It's like waking from a long long sleep.
'And ? What do you say ?'
'It's great ,' I whisper, not noticing that I'm actually crying. For the first time in fifty years I really mean : It's great. And not 'I couldn't care less.'
'Love to hear that.'
'Legolas ?'
'Mm ?' It's burning on my mind I can't keep it back.
'I really really care about you .'
Legolas slows the horse down to a nice walk and looks at me over his shoulder. 'I know.'
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