Try as I Might
Having signed off on his last chart, Carter stopped briefly at his locker to grab his coat, and then at the admin desk to sign out. He walked briskly towards the doors, trying to avoid being sucked back into the rush that still engulfed the ER.
"Carter!"
He hardly turned towards Weaver, who was calling him from the ambulance bay doors with another trauma. With a wave of his hand he shouted above all the noise, "I'm off!" And proceeded towards the exit.
The blast of chilly, November air was more than refreshing, as he pushed open the doors. He was heading for the El; his mind still caught up in the whirl of his workday. His breath hung in the air and several white flakes fell loftily about him as he walked. It felt good to be out of there. That was all that was going through his head, and the thought made him more anxious still.
What had happened to those days when he lived for his job, and he longed to be helping patients every waking hour. That enthusiastic boy with high hopes and dreams for his future had somehow vanished in the past several months. Or had it been years since he last felt that energizing rush of adrenaline that used to accompany every new trauma that crashed through the ambulance bay doors? He felt so very old.
Soon he was at his front gate. He pulled his keys from his coat pocket and walked up the front steps. Keys in the lock, he paused, if only for a second, before continuing inside. What was he doing to himself? Why was he so hesitant lately, wavering in every action and decision? These thoughts plagued him, but he pushed them aside as he hung up his coat and his bag and walked towards the living room.
The clock in the hall told him it was nearly 11:00, and he realized he'd left work late yet again. He sighed as he found Abby asleep, curled up on the couch. He walked to her quietly, so as not to wake her, and knelt beside her, just watching her sleep. He gently brushed the hair from her face and gingerly kissed her forehead. Abby stirred, aware of his presence, but unwilling to acknowledge it. He kissed her again, then sat back to watch her.
She's so beautiful, He thought, a trace of a smile flickering across his face. An angel, a veil of innocence, free of worldly pains and anguish as she sleeps; how could I be so lucky as to find this one person, so perfect, so right.
After a long moment, Carter saw a smile spread across her face. She opened her eyes sleepily, and the two watched each other for some time. Finally, Carter stood and extended a hand towards Abby. She took it and he helped her up.
"Sorry," he apologized, "Shift ended late."
He walked to the kitchen, Abby in toe, and sat down at the table.
Abby sat beside him, still a bit sleepy-eyed. She could tell Carter had something on his mind. He took a long breath and sighed, his eyes closed, his head hanging. He was a picture of complete mental and physical fatigue, and Abby's heart went out to him. She placed a hand comfortingly on his shoulder and searched his eyes as he met her gaze. "What's wrong?" she quietly implored. She knew the stress of his new position, and knew the circumstances of his promotion kept him grieving for the friend they had recently lost.
"They expect me to be Mark," he said bluntly, trusting that Abby would understand, "They don't want someone to fill his position, they want someone to be him."
Carter paused, trying to collect himself, and Abby waited patiently, her concern evident in her expression.
"I can't be Mark." He said after awhile, " I'll never match his capabilities- or his leadership. He had the respect and the intelligence and the ability to take control. I will never have those things. try as I might."
He rambled, speaking all that was on his mind, and releasing the tension that had so long been confined inside. He felt defeated. Lost in a world he had known for so many years; it had all been turned upside down. In his own mind, he felt so very old, but out in the world, he'd been reduced to the timid boy he was nine years ago.
Understanding his state of hopelessness from personal experience, Abby comforted him just as he had done to her so many times in the past. It was her turn to be strong, but it hurt her to see the person she loved so dearly in so much pain. She wanted to do more than just listen. She wanted to act, to do something that would make it all better. Finally, feeling nearly as helpless as Carter, Abby pulled him to her in a comforting embrace.
"Shh." she soothed, "It's all going to be okay."
The two clung to each other, as if in doing so, they were protected from all of the problems life could pitch at them.
"A few months ago, I thought my life was perfect. I loved my job, my friends. I'd found you. the world all made sense. And now-" His voice broke, and his eyes brimmed with tears he was to proud to let fall, "Now my life is falling to pieces, and I'm desperately trying. I've got to hold onto something, anything. I don't want it to happen again. I don't want to be alone, again." He was referring to his past episode with drugs, when his coworkers had forced him into rehab, fearing for his life.
It bothered her, whenever he brought this up. She had been the one that had reported him to Greene after that time in the trauma room, and despite the fact that she knew what she'd done had likely saved his life, she still felt greatly responsible for the suffering and pain he endured during rehab. She wasn't going to let anything like that happen again.
"Hey." she finally said, the tone of voice harsher than she'd intended, but making him listen to her, trust her. "You are not alone."
Her hands were on his shoulders, and her eyes bore into him, so intense with concern. "You have people who care about you, John. You have friends who won't let that happen to you." she sighed, calming her voice, as he lifted his eyes to hers, "God, Carter. you have me. And I will always be here."
Having signed off on his last chart, Carter stopped briefly at his locker to grab his coat, and then at the admin desk to sign out. He walked briskly towards the doors, trying to avoid being sucked back into the rush that still engulfed the ER.
"Carter!"
He hardly turned towards Weaver, who was calling him from the ambulance bay doors with another trauma. With a wave of his hand he shouted above all the noise, "I'm off!" And proceeded towards the exit.
The blast of chilly, November air was more than refreshing, as he pushed open the doors. He was heading for the El; his mind still caught up in the whirl of his workday. His breath hung in the air and several white flakes fell loftily about him as he walked. It felt good to be out of there. That was all that was going through his head, and the thought made him more anxious still.
What had happened to those days when he lived for his job, and he longed to be helping patients every waking hour. That enthusiastic boy with high hopes and dreams for his future had somehow vanished in the past several months. Or had it been years since he last felt that energizing rush of adrenaline that used to accompany every new trauma that crashed through the ambulance bay doors? He felt so very old.
Soon he was at his front gate. He pulled his keys from his coat pocket and walked up the front steps. Keys in the lock, he paused, if only for a second, before continuing inside. What was he doing to himself? Why was he so hesitant lately, wavering in every action and decision? These thoughts plagued him, but he pushed them aside as he hung up his coat and his bag and walked towards the living room.
The clock in the hall told him it was nearly 11:00, and he realized he'd left work late yet again. He sighed as he found Abby asleep, curled up on the couch. He walked to her quietly, so as not to wake her, and knelt beside her, just watching her sleep. He gently brushed the hair from her face and gingerly kissed her forehead. Abby stirred, aware of his presence, but unwilling to acknowledge it. He kissed her again, then sat back to watch her.
She's so beautiful, He thought, a trace of a smile flickering across his face. An angel, a veil of innocence, free of worldly pains and anguish as she sleeps; how could I be so lucky as to find this one person, so perfect, so right.
After a long moment, Carter saw a smile spread across her face. She opened her eyes sleepily, and the two watched each other for some time. Finally, Carter stood and extended a hand towards Abby. She took it and he helped her up.
"Sorry," he apologized, "Shift ended late."
He walked to the kitchen, Abby in toe, and sat down at the table.
Abby sat beside him, still a bit sleepy-eyed. She could tell Carter had something on his mind. He took a long breath and sighed, his eyes closed, his head hanging. He was a picture of complete mental and physical fatigue, and Abby's heart went out to him. She placed a hand comfortingly on his shoulder and searched his eyes as he met her gaze. "What's wrong?" she quietly implored. She knew the stress of his new position, and knew the circumstances of his promotion kept him grieving for the friend they had recently lost.
"They expect me to be Mark," he said bluntly, trusting that Abby would understand, "They don't want someone to fill his position, they want someone to be him."
Carter paused, trying to collect himself, and Abby waited patiently, her concern evident in her expression.
"I can't be Mark." He said after awhile, " I'll never match his capabilities- or his leadership. He had the respect and the intelligence and the ability to take control. I will never have those things. try as I might."
He rambled, speaking all that was on his mind, and releasing the tension that had so long been confined inside. He felt defeated. Lost in a world he had known for so many years; it had all been turned upside down. In his own mind, he felt so very old, but out in the world, he'd been reduced to the timid boy he was nine years ago.
Understanding his state of hopelessness from personal experience, Abby comforted him just as he had done to her so many times in the past. It was her turn to be strong, but it hurt her to see the person she loved so dearly in so much pain. She wanted to do more than just listen. She wanted to act, to do something that would make it all better. Finally, feeling nearly as helpless as Carter, Abby pulled him to her in a comforting embrace.
"Shh." she soothed, "It's all going to be okay."
The two clung to each other, as if in doing so, they were protected from all of the problems life could pitch at them.
"A few months ago, I thought my life was perfect. I loved my job, my friends. I'd found you. the world all made sense. And now-" His voice broke, and his eyes brimmed with tears he was to proud to let fall, "Now my life is falling to pieces, and I'm desperately trying. I've got to hold onto something, anything. I don't want it to happen again. I don't want to be alone, again." He was referring to his past episode with drugs, when his coworkers had forced him into rehab, fearing for his life.
It bothered her, whenever he brought this up. She had been the one that had reported him to Greene after that time in the trauma room, and despite the fact that she knew what she'd done had likely saved his life, she still felt greatly responsible for the suffering and pain he endured during rehab. She wasn't going to let anything like that happen again.
"Hey." she finally said, the tone of voice harsher than she'd intended, but making him listen to her, trust her. "You are not alone."
Her hands were on his shoulders, and her eyes bore into him, so intense with concern. "You have people who care about you, John. You have friends who won't let that happen to you." she sighed, calming her voice, as he lifted his eyes to hers, "God, Carter. you have me. And I will always be here."
