And I have been on my own for sometime now, surrounded by the daily lives of all these elves whom I do not touch, save in the most superficial way.
I have my own mare, Bimal, whom I love very much. She gives me a chance to ride off and be on my own. And on very rare occasions, Aragorn will even join me and that is wonderful. We have even gone on a picnic or two.
At the moment he is off on a hunt with Lord Elrond's twin sons who despite their great age difference have bonded with my son and are his closest companions here in Rivendell.
There is no one here his age of course. No elvish children. And from what I can gather, it has been many, many years since there were any. Lord Elrond's daughter Arwen is the last born here, I believe.
I am glad Aragorn has someone to talk to. He tells me how much he enjoys their company. And of course, their presence just makes him feel even more a son of Elrond.
A son of Elrond! I asked if he liked being the human son of an elvish lord...and he looked at me as if I had said something unfathomable and answered brightly, "But of course!"
I just shook my head. In his heart, I know he is human...but in word and action as elvish as any one here.
I cannot begrudge Aragorn his friendship with Elladan and Elrohir.
I just wish I had someone to talk to as easily.
Lord Elrond has left me the few journals kept by other mothers of Dunadan that he has sheltered here. They have been helpful, to a degree. But still, there is no one to talk to. Their voices echo my complaints and I feel if we are sisters in isolation, if nothing else.
Ah well.......
What did I do today?
I got out of bed and found breakfast on my table near the windows.
I drank the tea and nibbled on the roll with honey and butter. But I didn't want the eggs.
I sat before the fire when I was finished. It is the end of winter and my knees ache. And I tire of telling Lord Elrond of any of my problems. He must just think I am pathetic.
I tried to work on my embroidery, but I could not concentrate.
So, I got up with a groan and put on my thick boots and a cape and wandered out of my rooms.
I went outside and got some polite "hellos" and "How are you this mornings?" from passing elves and I replied in careful Sindarin. I learned that language straight away after arriving here. I didn't want anything said in my presence that I could not understand!
Once outside, I pulled the soft wool around my throat and went across the bridge and walked down the road.
I met less and less elves and so I relaxed some. Not that elves make me nervous, it was just today, I wanted to be alone and away from their unearthly beauty.
I smiled to myself, remembering my first feelings about the elves, especially the males.
Soon after we had gotten here, I will admit, I became quite taken with all the beautiful males here. And Lord Elrond, being the elf I saw the most, well I... well I became quite enamored of him.
I know! How very, very silly of me! A grown woman, a widow with a young babe! And my husband not dead three months, and I was already a mooncalf about someone else!
And an elf, and not just any elf, but the Lord of Imladris.
I would follow him around during the day as much as I was able. He only smiled at me when I would come into a room, usually letting Aragorn run ahead of me as if I was chasing him and just happened to go into the same room where Lord Elrond was working or reading or mixing herbs.
In the evenings, I always wanted to sit next to him at dinner, and usually, if I was early enough, I could, and if his sons weren't there, of course.
Did I say anything witty or engage him in deep conversation?
Of course not, I was too shy and embarrassed. And my conversation consisted mostly of, "May I have the salt bowl please? Or "May I have another piece of fruit?" something of that nature.
He always tried to talk to me of my day, but because I usually spent as much of it around him as possible, well, there wasn't much to say.
This is quite embarrassing to look back on. What a youngster I was! He must have thought I was just a silly empty-headed...edain girl.
This went on for a month or two....and quite reached a peak one night, when Estel had gotten sick with a ragged winter cough and Lord Elrond and I were staying up with him. Lord Elrond to make sure he didn't choke...and I because he is my sweetheart and I was terrified by the horrible sound of his congestion.
Well, it took Aragorn a couple of nights until Lord Elrond was convinced he was out of danger.
And I of course, was not getting in any sleep. Lord Elrond didn't seem to require much.
Well, the third night, I guess I was just a little strained with lack of sleep. And I kept fighting to keep awake in my chair.
It was very late, the moon was beginning to set and it's soft light filled the room, making it look very ethereal and beautiful.
The elf lord, seeing my distress, picked me up and carried me over to my bed.
What did I do?
I put my arms around him and lay my head on his chest with a sigh. How embarrassing.
As he arranged me on my bed, I did not want to let go, and this actually caught him off guard, and he half fell on me. I pulled him closer and hid my face against his soft hair.
He lay a moment next to me, no doubt deciding just what was going on, and then, gently untangled my arms from around him and settled me under a quilt.
He merely said softly, "I am sorry Gilraen. I know this life is hard on your spirit."
And he lay a hand on my brow and I slept.
I slept almost a whole day. And when I awoke, Aragorn was laying next to me asleep, his breathing much more easy.
Lord Elrond never said anything about my silliness that night, and I never brought it up. I felt rather nervous around him during the next few days, but soon that passed, too.
And now, now I guess we are friends. We have my son's welfare to bind us in purpose. All right...his son too. Though even now, after all these years, it pains me to say that.
I wonder what Arathorn would think of all this?
I suspect, actually, he would approve. Look how healthy his son is! And look at the education he is getting! And he is happy and thriving.
And I, well, I am surviving.
And if I must survive, this is not a bad place to do it.
And to be honest, it is certainly a much nicer (and warmer) home than Arathorn and I had in the Wild outside of Bree!
And I will admit, looking back, I certainly would have been grateful for Lord Elrond's help in birthing my boy, because it was a rainy night and the midwife had gone out on another call, to little Malley Tobold as I recall, who was also expecting her first child.
Hm. I wonder what ever happened to her?
So it was just I and Arathorn. And dear soul, he was as ignorant of the process as I was. And it was a long, hard delivery. Luckily, the midwife did show up just at the end and so was able to get me and Aragorn settled properly.
But the love in our little house that night was as bright as the sun...and I miss that so much!
I would trade this warm home for a cave with my beloved Arathorn.....
Oh, this is enough for one day. I am getting a headache and I want to lie down. And my knees still hurt.
It is terrible getting old!!
