Author : Wild-Melody
Disclaimer : You know the drill, I don't own 'em, though sometimes I wish I did.
Class/Genre : Drama/Angst, maybe a little romance
Summary : Jaina's late night talk with her baby cousin, explains her capture and what happened during the months of her captivity.
A/N : This chapter really won't contain much in the way of Jag and Jaina, but I'll delve into how Jaina was captured by the Vong, with an emotional talk with someone who can't judge her, namely a baby.
STAR WARS : THE NEW JEDI ORDER
I'LL BE MISSING YOU
Chapter 5 : Truth and Deception
It had been three days since her return to her family and friends. It had been tough, more often then not she had woken up in the middle of the night screaming from her recurring nightmares. They just wouldn't let her alone, but she wasn't ready to talk to anyone about them. She didn't want to reopen the wounds this early, didn't want to relive what she had been through. She knew though that she would have to do it sometime, sooner or later.
The first night, free of captivity, the nightmares had come, Jag had been with her, thank the Force. He'd stayed till the morning when her mother came into the medical center to check on her. Thanks to him the dreams hadn't been as bad as they once were, when she was still being held on the Yuuzhan Vong ship. Then, on the Vong ship, the nightmares had been terrible…she'd witnessed the death of many of her loved ones at her own hands. She'd bloodied her hands with the blood of those she loved the most. She'd been turned in her dreams, into something far more sinister then Palpatine or Darth Vader had ever come close to becoming. She'd killed with a lust, a bloodlust, most of the time killing just for the fun of it, the shear pleasure of it.
Even now as she contemplated the horrible images of her dreams she felt a shudder run up her back and she wrapped her arms around herself as if trying to ward off the chill. It didn't help, nothing did. She sighed to herself and looked at the chrono next to her bed. Dawn was only a few hours away and she had gotten no sleep this night. That in itself was nothing new.
Last night, after waking up again from a vision of killing her own twin brother, she'd found her way to Jag's quarters. He was still up as if he had been expecting her. He'd smiled gently at her as he allowed her in. "You all right?" he had asked, the concern radiating off of him in waves. She didn't need the Force to feel that.
"No," she had answered. She'd tried to hold the tears at bay for as long as was possible, but suddenly they spilled down over her cheeks as she tried to uselessly swat them away.
Jag had grabbed hold of her hands then wiped the tears from her face with his own hands. "Shh, you want to tell me about it?" He asked as he put an arm around her shoulders and directed her further into his quarters.
"Would you mind if I said no?" she asked quietly.
"No, not at all. If you're not ready to talk about what happened I'm not going to push the matter." He answered gently. Sitting down on one of the self-conforming chairs, he pulled her down onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. Gently rocking her back and forth, he wiped a few stray strands of hair out of her face. "I can wait till you're ready."
Jaina was surprised. This was a completely new side of Jag…she was use to the superior pilot attitude of his. This was something new entirely. He was usually so reserved, not showing emotions openly. Now he was…and all for her. "It was another dream," Jaina answered in a squeak.
"Like the ones you've been having?" Jag inquired.
"No," Jaina answered. "Much worse."
Jag nodded his head, "And it scared you?"
"Yes," Jaina feared becoming the monster in her dreams. She feared killing all those she loved. In the dreams she had murdered her mother in her sleep. A quick slash of her lightsaber across her mother's throat while the older woman slept. She'd shot her father in the back, not even giving him the decency to see who it was that was taking his life so coldly. She'd killed her twin brother by destroying his mind. She'd used the Force to kill him and it sickened her. She never wanted to become such a monster, never.
She'd even killed Jag. She'd stuck a dagger through his heart while she kissed him. The look on his face was still embedded in her mind, the shock and pain. Most of all the betrayal. She'd even killed her Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara, and her baby cousin Ben. She had been a heartless creature in those dreams, someone without a soul or a conscious. She never wanted to become that.
They sat in silence, Jag gently rocking the scared young woman in his arms. He didn't say anything further nor did he try to pry. She would talk when she was ready and he knew this. He rested his chin against the top of her head and pulled her more closely against his chest. The deep rhythmical breaths she was taking told him that she had fallen asleep.
Jag examined her face more closely. Beneath the bruises and cuts her skin was just starting to return to its normal color. Though dark circles were etched beneath her closed eyes, an indicator of her lack of sleep. He felt concern for her suddenly and wished that she would open up to him and tell him what it was that was bothering her so terribly.
He knew she suffered from terrible dreams, also that she'd been caught by the Yuuzhan Vong, but he still didn't quite understand how she had been caught. He didn't understand how she had survived that crash that should have proven to be fatal. There was so much that he still didn't understand and there was only one person who could answer his questions. She was being tight-lipped about what had happened and how. She answered no questions, it didn't matter who they came from. Her mother had asked about what had happened, Jaina had pretended not the hear her. Her Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara had inquired about how she had been caught by the Vong, she point blank ignored the question.
What had happened to her?
He felt like he would never know the answer to that question. The only other people who would have been able to get her to open up were Jacen and Anakin. Anakin was dead and Jacen was missing in action, his fate unknown. Jag could only hope that her twin brother was still alive.
She had stirred in his arms, his thoughts being sent to her via the Force. She had felt his concern for her, his anguish at not being able to help her…but she wasn't ready to talk to him. She wasn't ready to talk to no one, she wasn't even sure if she would ever be ready to tell anyone about what had happened to her.
Jaina sighed and pulled herself back to the present. She glanced back at the chrono. Would Jag be up now? Would he mind another late night-er early morning visit? She felt a ripple through the Force. It was her Aunt Mara, the other woman felt slightly miffed and Jaina wondered what had happened.
She reached out through the Force, just lightly touching her aunt's mind. An invitation came to Jaina from her aunt. Jaina glanced once more at the chrono and decided it wouldn't hurt to go over to her aunt and uncle's quarters if they were already awake.
As she walked out into the hallway she noticed for the first time that the claxons and lights were going off. The Vong were attacking again, already. Probably in attempt to get her back…they hadn't wanted her to escape in the first place, even though she had had other plans. They'd be in for a surprise though, she wouldn't be up in one of the X-Wings this time. She wasn't ready to return to active duty yet, both Wedge and Gavin had understood and had given her indefinite leave of absence from the squadron.
That would explain why her comlink hadn't sounded the alarm. Why alert a pilot if they wouldn't be going up to participate in the battle?
She stopped outside of Luke and Mara's quarters and was about to hit the buzzer that would announce her arrival when suddenly her aunt opened the door. "Thank the Force you're here Jaina," her aunt said somewhat breathlessly. "Would you mind watching Ben for us?" Mara asked.
Jaina regarded her aunt for a second, When had Ben been brought back here? She wondered to herself.
"I'll answer your questions later Jaina, right now your uncle and I have got to get going," Mara said quickly.
"Ok," Jaina said. She stepped into her aunt and uncle's quarters and looked around for her baby cousin.
"He's still asleep in our room," Mara said.
"He can sleep through all that noise?" Jaina asked, amazed that the infant could sleep through all the noise that the claxons were making. Then again, I never even heard them, she thought ruefully to herself.
Luke came out of his and Mara's room, the bright orange of his flight suit catching her eye. "Your little cousin could sleep through a star going supernova." Luke joked, his eyes dancing merrily.
Jaina tried to offer up a smile for her uncle. Her lips twitched into a half-hearted one but it never reached her eyes. "Will Jag be flying with you Uncle?"
"Yes he will," Luke answered. "I'll make sure he comes back in one piece Jaina, don't worry about it."
"I'm not Uncle Luke. Jag can take care of himself."
"That he can," her aunt spoke up. "Now come on Skywalker or you're going to make me miss the party."
Luke quirked an eyebrow at his wife, "Now you're calling it a party? Just a few minutes ago you were calling the Vong every known rudity in my vocabulary and then some."
Mara smiled mock-sweetly at her husband. "You want to hear them again or are we leaving now?"
"We're leaving," Luke answered as he started to walk toward the door. "Ben shouldn't be much trouble for you Jaina," he called over his shoulder as he and Mara walked out the door.
Then Jaina was all alone.
She looked around, not sure what to do. She wanted to be up there, helping in the fight, but she didn't trust herself yet. Would she falter in battle and someone else pay for her mistake? Would she turn on those who considered her a friend and trusted her, shooting innocents down before she could be stopped? She didn't have the answers to these questions, but she didn't trust herself yet. She didn't want to find out the answers the hard way. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she took anyone else's life.
Anyone else's? She thought to herself? I haven't killed anyone…except for that worldship that Kyp tricked me into bringing Rogue Squadron in on to destroy. That wasn't really my fault, though I still feel so terribly about it. I haven't killed anyone besides the enemy.
Yes you have, you just don't remember it. Not yet, but you will. A voice said in the back of her head. When the time is right you'll remember it. A gut wrenching pain slashed through her stomach and she doubled over from the ferocity of it.
Tears blinded her vision and she stumbled over to a chair, holding onto it for support. What is going on here? She questioned herself. The pain radiated through the Force, directed solely toward her. The pain radiated in waves from her stomach, she thought she was going to faint from the intensity of it.
Then just as suddenly as it had come it was gone. She breathed in a cleansing breath and sought her center of calm. She closed her eyes briefly, when she opened them again she saw the image of her brother standing there before her. "Anakin!" she cried.
He held up a hand, indicating for her to stay where she was at and to remain quiet. "You tread a dangerous line right now Jaina, both you and Jacen."
She looked at him, confused as to his words.
He sighed and took a step toward her. "One of you will be the undoing of the New Jedi, the other will be the salvation. One can save the other or pull them to the Darkside. You must decide here and now which you will be."
"I can't hurt those I love Anni," Jaina told her brother's apparition. She had known that she had been treading dangerously close to the Darkside as of late. Friends and family had managed to pull her back, or at least she had assumed they had…could she be wrong? Would she turn on those she loved the most?
"The Darkside works in wicked ways, you know that Jaina. You almost walked right into its embrace when I was killed. Kyp managed to pull you back. Then you were caught by the Vong and they tried to break you and when they couldn't do that they tried to push you back into the Darkside's embrace. You have to decide on whether or not they've succeeded."
"They didn't succeed," she said quietly. "I know what I did on the worldship was wrong. I know my behavior of late has been wrong, but I have so much to sort through, and the dreams aren't helping me any!"
"I know Jaina. You are surrounded by many people who love you. Trust in them. Talk to them, let them help you through it. Don't keep it bottled up inside of you. Don't allow it to fester like a wound and infect you."
She heard Ben begin to cry and looked toward the direction of Luke and Mara's room. She looked back at Anakin to ask him one more question but found that he had already disappeared. I don't know if I can talk about it, she thought bleakly. I don't want them to know what I went through…I don't want them to know about Jacen.
******
She looked down into Ben's eyes, a mixture of blue and gray. He stared up at her, his eyes watching her every move. "Hey there little fellow," she said down to him as she picked him up out of his cradle. "Don't suppose you remember me, do ya?"
He cooed up at her, as if in answer to her question.
"I'll take that as a yes, that you do remember me." She said to him and smiled down at him. "Your Mom and Dad had to go save the universe one more time so you're stuck with me for a while."
He looked up at her, his eyes unblinking.
She sighed and walked over to a nearby chair. "Not much for words, are you?" She actually thought she saw him shake his head no. "Hungry?" No reply, not even so much as a squeak from the infant.
"Ok, I'll take that as a no." She looked around the room. "I hope you don't need changed." she said and crinkled her nose as he started to coo once more. "Some reason I think that that's a yes."
She laid him down on Mara and Luke's bed then set out to find the diapers and wipes, hoping she wouldn't need the latter. I didn't sign on this mission to be changing no stickin' diapers, literally! She thought ironically to herself, just as she found the diapers. The wipes were with them luckily.
"Ok little guy, let's figure out how to get rid of this offending garment here, shall we?" she said to Ben as she set to figuring exactly how you remove the diaper. "You think that maybe these little straps here have something to do with it?" She said to him as she pulled on the two tape straps. Ben cooed up at her, his hands trying to grab hold of her hair. "Nah, I really don't think you need to be playing with my hair little man," she said to him and playfully poked his belly.
This caused the infant to laugh and Jaina laughed along with him. "Think that was funny do you?" she said as she placed the fresh diaper under him. "This thing go on the same way the other one did?" she asked him.
He cooed at her once more. "That a yes?"
Ben smiled up at her, once more reaching for her hair. "Didn't we already discuss my hair?" She said to him as she finished fastening the tape straps back in place. He cooed up at her again. She gently grabbed hold of one of his toes and pulled on it, wiggling the little toe. Ben laughed again. "Think that's funny huh?" she said, then started to tickle the bottom of his foot.
Ben laughed harder, the sound eased Jaina's dark mood. "Can I tell you something Ben?"
The little boy quit laughing and stared intently up at his cousin, as if to say, I'm listening. Jaina sighed and sat down on the bed next to him. Ben turned his head to regard her, his eyes never leaving her. "I know you won't tell anyone, you can't tell anyone, you can't even talk yet. Maybe that's why I'm going to tell you this…I don't know, maybe I just need to get it out in the open."
She sighed to herself and wondered where to start. At the beginning would be a good place. Someone said to her. She looked around, but they were alone in the room. Maybe it was just me.
"Let's start at the beginning shall we?" She said down to her little cousin, Ben just continued to stare at her. "I remember the fight, not a whole lot about it, mind you. I remember coming up behind Jag, taking out a skip that was coming up on him…then total blackness. I'd been hit and was spiraling totally out of control. There was another X-Wing heading directly for me…there was nothing I could do. We both were hit and in uncontrolled flight paths."
Tears started to roll down her cheeks as she called up memories she had tried so hard to forget. "I ejected. I saw this skip coming toward me, it was going to go right through the debris cloud. At the last moment it stopped, right in front of me. This skip did something I had never seen them do before, I never even thought it would have been possible. The forward section of it opened up, right below the pilot's cockpit. The Sith-spawned thing used one of the dovin basals to pull me into it. Then the opening closed, I felt the skip change coarse and jump to hyperspace or whatever."
She paused and looked down at Ben, he was still staring intently up at her. She wiped the tears off of her face, debating whether or not she should go on. It'll help you.
"It was like they were waiting for that exact kind of scenario to happen, like they had been watching and waiting, then seized the opportunity. I don't know how else to explain what had happened. One minute I was floating in space waiting for the rescue vehicle, then the next I was inside the belly of this damn skip. I didn't think they were big enough for something like that. Apparently there's still a lot about them we don't know. Or this was a new variation of them."
"I was knocked unconscious by a blow to the back of my head, I don't really know how long I was out…" she turned her face away from her little cousin and stared up at the ceiling, as if she were watching the scenes unfold right before her eyes…
Her eyes came slowly opened, it was like trying to claw one's way through a thick fog. Her mind didn't want to function and for the first time she realized that she was cut off from the Force…But how? She stretched out but felt nothing. Absolute nothing.
Panic began to rise up in her and she nervously took in the room she was in. She found herself staring into her own eyes. "It won't do you no good Jaya," he said to her, his voice was soft and tired, like he barely had the energy to breath.
"Jacen?" she said quietly, afraid that if she spoke any louder she would break the frailty of the dream.
"It's not a dream Jaina. This is real." He swept his hand around to encompass the whole of the room. "It's a nightmare, but it's a living nightmare."
"We can get out of here Jacen, together we can get out of here!" she had exclaimed. Hope once more shining in her eyes.
"It's to late for me Jaya," Jacen had said, the tiredness in his voice was echoed in his eyes. "The Breaking…was to much. Next will be you…fight it as long as you can. One of us has to live." He had slipped into peaceful oblivion then, leaving her to wonder her fate alone, until one of the Yuuzhan Vong warriors stepped into the dimly illuminated room.
"You, come." he had said in sharply accented basic.
"What if I refuse?" she had said tartly, her eyes hardening to brown glazed rocks.
"Give me that pleasure and you will find out Jeedai." He had replied with an evil grin spreading across his heavily scarred face. "Now come along, the Warmaster wishes to see you."
She had figured out then where they were at and the beginning of a plan began to formulate in her mind. "You can tell your Warmaster I don't wish to see him," Jaina said obstinately.
The warrior had turned around to regard her, a low growl erupting from his throat. "It will give me great pleasure if you refuse to obey," he had said in a chilling voice.
"I don't care if it will give you pleasure or not." she bit back.
He took a menacing step toward her, leveling his amphistaff directly in front of them. She showed no fear, just stared him directly in the eyes, unwavering. "Go ahead, try and strike me down and know the wrath of Yun-Harla and your Warmaster. Do you think either one of them would be happy to know that you've injured me in anyway?"
"I do not believe you are associated with Yun-Harla," the warrior had spat. "As for the Warmaster, the only reason he wants you infidel is because of your twin. One of you will die in battle, the other will be sacrificed. I care not which."
Jaina smiled evilly at the alien, even though he had told her exactly what she had already know, he'd added a few more interesting tid-bits to her list. She glanced back at where her twin brother was now peacefully asleep…no, not peacefully. His eyes were moving continuously like he was watching his back even in sleep. What had they done to him?
She turned her glacial stare back toward the Vong warrior. "Alright, take me to see you're Warmaster."
She'd never made it to see the Warmaster, she had tried to escape on that first day. Of coarse she knew she wouldn't make it, but she had to try. Test their alert levels, see how much they were able to predict her.
A few days later they would put her to the ultimate test.
******
She had heard the door iris open, the dimly lit hallway beckoned to her. She'd squinted out the small doorway, trying to see if there were any guards just beyond it. She couldn't tell. She was just about to ask Jacen a question when she suddenly realized that he wasn't in the room anymore.
A shadow formed in the open doorway, "Get up!" a voice commanded. She recognized it. She looked up to look into the face of the same warrior who she had fought with on her first day.
"No," she said and turned her back on the warrior. She was playing with fire and she realized it, but she needed to know exactly how far she could push these demons before they would push back.
"I said get up infidel."
"And I said no. What part of that didn't you understand?"
"I am not asking you to get up, I am telling you to. Now do it!"
"Um, let me think about it…" she could tell that his patience was growing short. "Why?"
"Why what infidel?"
"Why do I have to get up?"
"You do not need to know." With that said he walked further into the room and grabbed hold of her by the arm and pulled her up to her feet. "Come."
Jaina debated whether she should or shouldn't struggle with him but decided now might not be the best time to test his limits. It looked like she had pushed him far beyond his limits already for one day.
She was pushed into a poorly illuminated room. The air was thick with the darkness, Jaina could hear something or someone pacing in the darkness. Suddenly her lightsaber rolled across the floor to stop at her feet. Things were becoming stranger by the minute.
She nimbly picked it up and flicked it on, but without the Force flowing through her, her use of it was just short of clumsy. At the same time she saw a reflective glow at the other end of the room…dread filled her heart as an image from a long time ago swam before her eyes…a lightsaber duel she had rather never thought about ever again.
"Jacen?" she called out loud.
There was no response, but she heard a barely audible growl come from the lower part of the chamber. "Jacen, I know that has go to be you, answer me please!"
Her answer came in the form of a lunge as she watched the other brilliantly glowing blade begin to move rapidly toward her. "Jacen!" she cried, knowing it had to be him. "Jacen, listen to me!"
He didn't slow in his pace, in fact he seemed to speed up slightly. He came rushing at her, his eyes blazing evilly, an inner glow emanating from them she had never seen before. Dark energy crackled around him and it took her a few seconds to realize that it was Darkside energy. But she still couldn't call upon the Force.
He brought his lightsaber up high, preparing to sweep it down toward her. She brought hers up and blocked but didn't return the attack. She would not attack her own brother. "Jacen!" she cried again, his face only inches from her own. "Jacen, please listen to me, I know you can hear me."
He just continued to stare blankly at her. She brought her saber up sloppily and waiting for his countermove. He brought his up and the two crackling blades met and hissed from their connection point. Jaina thrust her blade's hilt up and under Jacen's, while at the same time powering down the blade so as not to cut her own head off. The hilt slammed into his gut, momentarily knocking the wind out of him.
He glared at her, his eyes narrowing into mere slits. "Jacen," she said quietly. "I will not fight you." she dropped the hilt of her saber on the floor and listened as it thumped against the living floor of the Yuuzhan Vong Worldship.
Jacen let out a cry of rage and brought his lightsaber up and around, fully intent on decapitating his sister. She lifted her face and looked him directly in the eye. "I will not fight you," she repeated softly.
The color drained from his face as he powered down his own blade, then allowed the cold metal hilt to drop from his grip. "Jaina?" his voice was just above a bare whisper. "Oh by the Force, what did I almost do?" The tears welled up in her brother's eyes as she walked to him and took him into her embrace.
"It's alright," she said softly.
"I almost killed you," he cried.
"But you didn't."
"But still…"
"Don't argue with me Jacen," Jaina said sternly, trying not to laugh. One of them had to maintain an optimistic outlook on what was happening with their lives.
******
Jaina looked down at Ben and discovered that the little boy was fast a sleep again. "Thanks for listening to me for a little while there Ben." she said as she picked him up off of the bed and put him back in his cradle. She looked at the chrono in her aunt and uncle's room and discovered that she had been talking to Ben for almost four straight hours. It hadn't seemed that long, and he hadn't heard the whole entire story…the worst part of the story was still to come.
Ok, this was not where I had planned to end this chapter, far from it. I was going to explain everything in this one chapter but soon discovered as I was writing it that I had more than one chapter here. In the next chapter Jaina will unload the worse part of her stay with the Vong to Jag. Will he be ready to hear about all that happened to her while at the mercy of the brutal Yuuzhan Vong? Just wait and find out, plus you're gonna want to read to find out what happened to Jacen and what's going to happen to the New Jedi later in the story.
If you have any questions or feel that I may have skipped something that could be vitally important just let me know, and I'll try to correct it. As for this chapter, it was giving me quite a few problems so it may not be quite as good as the ones before that, if that is the case I apologize. If not, just ignore what I just said. Till the next time, May the Force protect you.
