Author's Note:

Sorry it took so long, minna-san!  I just generally felt uninspired enough to not write on this fic for…I think it's been almost a year, hasn't it? *blanches*  Dreadfully sorry.  I do have an excuse! *points index finger up in the air, looking enthusiastic*  I went off to college, and I've also been writing an original fiction called 'Glitch' with my dear friend (it's very slashy!), and writing and keeping up the website for it has been eating my time.  Look us up on FictionPress.net – we're Akira and Flair *shameless plug*!

I'll love you if you visit us!  Really!  *giggle*

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Chapter Nine: Toothpaste, Toils, and Troubles

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friday morning

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            Remus awoke to Sirius breathing in his ear, and after a moment or two spent in quiet, warm comfort, the young werewolf definitely decided he needed to make a run for the bathroom.  He maneuvered the black-haired boy's arms out from around his waist; Sirius sighed and turned over in his sleep.

            Nothing short of an explosion (or morning classes) could wake Sirius up after daybreak; at this point, Remus was very thankful for this.  The night before, as a team effort, they'd managed to Transfigure their beds back to normal – or, as back to normal as they could remember.  There were still some things that Remus could tell were off; he just couldn't tell what they were.  The 'Slytherins Rule' poster had been incinerated out the window.

            The young werewolf swung his legs out of bed, parted the bed curtains, and padded across the dormitory.  His own bed was still made, curtains drawn back around the posts; Sirius' was rumpled, as usual – everything in his part of the room seemed rumpled, from his textbooks to his Quidditch posters.  James' bed looked like it may as well have been made; he hardly ever moved in his sleep.  Remus smiled as he passed Peter's bed; the small blond boy was snoring lightly.

            Opening the bathroom door, Remus was astonished to see James standing in front of the sink, Sirius' toothpaste in one hand and his wand in the other.  The bespectacled boy had his wand pointed at the tube and was muttering at it, eyes narrowed.

            Remus let the door swing shut.  "Prongs?"  James gave a violent start.  "What are you doing?"

            James let out a breath in relief that he'd not been walked in on by Sirius.  "Making it so that Sirius' toothpaste tube will be filled by baby squid that I stole from the Potions classroom," he answered matter-of-factly, holding up a jar filled with the baby squid.

            Remus covered his mouth with a hand, laughing quietly.  The black-haired boy winked, began muttering again, and soon the jar was empty and the toothpaste tube was bulging.  They grinned at each other; James then headed off to bed and Remus headed for the bathroom stalls.

            "Where did you go?" Sirius asked, still half-asleep, as Remus climbed back into bed.

            "Loo," Remus replied simply, snuggling back up with his Padfoot.

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            "WHAT THE HELL???" Sirius yelled, horrified, as he squirted a tentacle out onto his toothbrush.  It hung, twitching slightly, over the bristles, and James and Remus cracked up.  "You!!" Sirius said in faux anger, trying not to grin, pointing at his two best friends alternately.

            "What's going on?" Peter asked sleepily, his own toothbrush in his mouth.

            Sirius put an arm around Peter, speaking into his ear.  "My two dear friends here have done something unspeakable to my toothpaste," he said confidentially, holding his toothbrush, complete with glistening tentacle, in Peter's face.

            "It was all Prongs," Remus said, still laughing, in his own defense.  "I just witnessed it."

            They finished brushing their teeth (after Sirius borrowed some of Remus' toothpaste), still laughing, and James took his own toothpaste out of the bathroom with him to hide after catching Sirius looking suspiciously at it.

            "Ugh, we have detention again tonight, don't we?" Sirius said distastefully, buttoning up his uniform shirt.

            James was tying his shoes.  "We're such horrible children," he smirked.

            Sirius finished dressing and pulled Remus to him.  "Maybe we'll be partnered up this time, Moony," he said with a dark smile, and Remus grinned, kissing him lightly.

            "If you are, as long as I'm not in the room, all will be well," James said testily, gathering his books for their morning classes.

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            Sirius poked at the table with his pair of shears distastefully.  "I can't stand Herbology."

            James glared at him.  "Stop grousing about it and help me prune this thing.  It wants to eat my head, I can tell."  Their Venomous Tentacula was eyeing James viciously; it had a pernicious look about it.  Remus and Peter were tackling their own at the adjoining table; everyone kept being startled by Peter's yelps as the carnivorous plant nipped at his arms.

            Sirius began to clip at the plant's extraneous leaves and it glared at him.  "Well, I'm really glad we got paired up this time…most of the Hufflepuffs are just so…dull."

            "As if anything that we do in this class could be defined as dull," James said sarcastically, and whacked off another leaf.  The Tentacula eyed him warily, and suddenly smacked him viciously with a spiny vine.  "Ow!  This thing is trying to kill me!"

            "Aren't we all," Sirius muttered, stabbing his shears into the table again.

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friday afternoon

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            Remus was reading at the lunch table, and Sirius was trying to distract him.

            "Oy, Padfoot, what do you want?" Remus burst out, his ability to ignore Sirius' hand slipping inside his clothing dissolving to nothing.

            Sirius leant close, whispering hotly in his ear.  "What do you think I want?"

            James let his fork fall with a clatter.  "We," he paused for dramatic effect, "have to obtain revenge on the Slytherins for their bed-changing trick."

            "Hear hear," Sirius responded, his arm still around Remus and his lips still pressed to the young werewolf's throat.

            "This is IMPORTANT, so PAY ATTENTION," James barked, brandishing a spoon in Padfoot's direction, who scooted away from Remus and sulked.  Sirius poked a dumpling on his plate with his fork, then put the tines longways across it and pressed downwards.  The dumpling made a very satisfying death gurgle.

            "Fine, fine, speak your piece."

            James sat up importantly.  "I think slimy, squashy things in their beds is good revenge, don't you?"

            "As long as they are very large, very squashy, and very slimy," agreed Sirius.

            Remus put his book down.  "How exactly are we going to get six 'slimy, squashy things'?  Conjuring them won't do the trick – they wouldn't be there for long.  I suspect you want them to actually have to dispose of these things?"

            The other three Marauders nodded solemnly, and Peter spoke up.  "Professor Alamay has…slimy squashy things in his potion stores."

            Remus looked thoughtful.  "He has jars of slugs and snails…and jellyfish…Engorgement charms all around would do the trick, don't you think?"

            Everyone nodded again, and began to grin.  "But who's going to go get them from the potion stores?"  Peter looked terrified.

            There was a brief silence.  "I vote Prongs, because he interrupted my midday seduction of Moony."  Sirius stuck out his tongue at his best friend, who rolled his eyes.

            "Not Sirius," Remus put in.  "If he gets into any more trouble right now Filch'll probably start lobbying for him to be expelled."  There were more solemn looks all around.

            "Fine, I'll do it," James grumbled.  "But this is going to be difficult without the Marauder's Map."

            "What are you going to do now?" Lily asked, holding her plate over her head as she sat down next to James.

            "None of your business," Sirius said, put an arm around Remus, and stuck his tongue out at Lily good-naturedly.  The redhead rolled her eyes and began picking at her salad.

            Remus nodded at the Ravenclaw table.  "Trouble on the home front?" he asked, buttering a biscuit.  Lily nodded, finished chewing, and swallowed.

            "I'm the only one in my dormitory who's getting any action at the moment," she said, looking slyly at James and grinning.  The bespectacled boy turned bright red and nearly choked on his pumpkin juice.  "So they're taking it out on me."

            "So, Lily, how is James at what he does?" Sirius grinned evilly.

            The Ravenclaw girl smirked just as evilly.  "He knows his way around the female body pretty well, I must say," she said, and stabbed a dumpling with her fork.

            "Why are we having this conversation??" James wailed, covering his face with his hands.

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friday evening

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            "Detention in twenty minutes," James announced to the dormitory.  Three groans answered his statement.

            "Stop doing that!  It's bloody depressing!" Sirius replied from Remus' bed, where Remus was reading for Astronomy and he was reading a Quidditch magazine.  "We know what time it is."  He pointed to his floating bedside clock.

            "Just keeping you abreast of our current situation."  James continued doodling on the margin of his Defense Against the Dark Arts essay.

            Sirius rolled his eyes.  "You are the only person my age whom I have ever heard use the word 'abreast'."  His eyes slid to Remus, and he grinned at the young werewolf.  "Speaking of, how is Lily at what she does?"

            James growled.  "Will you leave it be??  That's only the fifth time you've asked me today!"

            Sirius and Remus grinned at each other.  "Inquiring minds want to know," Remus deadpanned, sticking his nose back in his book.

            Padfoot rested back against the pillows.  "Do you loooove her?  Will we be honoured guests at your weeeeeedding?"

            James shot them a dirty look.  "Sod off.  I don't ever want to get married."

            Peter sighed and ignored his friends' conversation, turning back to his Divination charts.  He stared at them, trying to ignore the clamouring in his brain, then collapsed backwards onto his bed.

            No matter how much he tried, he couldn't make himself be jealous of Lily.  She didn't know she was doing anything wrong to him…But seeing her become so close to James so quickly made the bottom drop unpleasantly from his heart.  Damn her.  She's pretty.  And smart.  And…not me.

            He looked up into James' concerned brown eyes.  "Doing okay with the Divination?" he asked, peering down at Peter's charts.

            The blond boy nodded, sitting up abruptly.  Maybe he emitted some sort of lonely vibe, because James picked up on it.

            "I think Wormtail needs a girlfriend," James said seriously, then grinned over at Sirius and Remus.

            "Or a boyfriend," Padfoot said just as seriously, making eyes at Remus, who ignored him.

            Peter flushed to the roots of his hair.  "Really…I'm…fine…" he managed to choke out, and he buried his face in his book.

            "Everyone keep an eye out for a good girl…or boy for Wormtail!" Sirius shouted at the room, and Peter mourned his luck of getting stuck in a dormitory with such a group of loonies.

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friday night

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            Sirius groaned.  "You're shoving us off on McGonagall?" he asked incredulously, and Madame Pomfrey nodded.

            "I see no problem in the situation, Mr. Black," she said severely.  "All of you, now, to her classroom, and no dallying."  Sirius, Remus, James and Peter turned sulkily to head out the door.

            "This has got to be some sort of divine interference to torture us," Sirius wailed as they trooped up a flight of stairs.

            "We did break the rules," Remus said matter-of-factly.

            Sirius huffed.  "We did break the rules," he responded in insulting imitation of Remus, crossing his arms over his chest.  "So you think we deserve to copy lines with Major McGonagall for several hours straight?"  Remus ignored him.

            Their footfalls neared the classroom, and Sirius sighed dramatically.  "Remus…if I die in there, make sure James stays away from my broomstick."

            The young werewolf turned, looked Sirius up and down, trying not to grin.  "Which one?"

            Sirius smirked, eyes narrowing in amusement.  "Both, although I know the one that Prongs would be most interested in," he said suggestively, and Remus and Peter laughed.

            "I resent that!" James grumbled, and pushed the classroom door open.

            McGonagall looked up in surprise.  "I see you actually chose to make it on time."  Sirius continued to sulk, and their teacher stood, shuffling papers.  "I'm going to let two of you copy passages out of 'Hogwarts: A History' and two of you clean up my classroom.  Any volunteers?"

            Sirius brightened immediately.  "Remus and I will clean," he suggested, trying not to look too pleased with himself.

            McGonagall seemed a bit suspicious, but agreed anyhow.  "Fine.  Cleaning supplies are in the closet at the end of the hall.  But," she interrupted as they turned to go, "if you're not back here in fifteen minutes I'll send Filch after you."

            "Now, why would we want to keep from tidying up your lovely classroom?"  Sirius smiled winningly and pulled Remus after him out of the room.

            "Bloody Sirius and his bloody sex drive," James muttered after McGonagall had handed them copies of 'Hogwarts: A History', parchment, and quills.  "I hate this book."

            "Me too."  Peter looked distastefully at it.  But several hours with James shouldn't be so bad, he thought, perking up a bit.

            As soon as the classroom door closed, Sirius and Remus went tearing down the hallway towards the closet.  "No time to waste!!" Sirius hissed, grinning like a maniac.  Remus giggled.

            "Hmm…what do we have to deal with here?" Remus said thoughtfully, looking at the cleaning supplies.

            Sirius closed the door and pushed Remus up against the wall.  "No time for that yet," he purred, and nipped gently at the grey-eyed boy's lip.

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            "You just had to drag me into cleaning, didn't you?" Remus complained, massaging his arms, as they finally made their way up the stairwell to their dormitory.  "I might have enjoyed copying lines."

            Sirius pouted, but one could still see the twinkle in his eyes.  "Moony, don't you like me?"  He stuck out his lower lip forlornly.

            "Prat."  They grinned at each other.

            "We would have switched places with you guys in an instant," James complained, ruffling Peter's hair.

            I would have loved to switch places…to go make out in a closet with James.  Peter sighed wistfully.

            "At least she let us out a bit early.  I think she was getting sick of your off-key humming, Padfoot," Remus teased.

            "She wasn't the only one," James muttered.

            "Off-key?  Whatever are you talking about?" Sirius said, his hand over his heart, in a completely innocent voice.  "But anyway, cheer up, Prongsy, tonight you've got to go raid the potion stores!" Sirius said cheerfully, opening their dormitory door and diving for Remus' bed.  Remus joined him in an instant.

            "I'm exhausted.  Never volunteer me for cleaning again, Padfoot," the young werewolf groaned, burying his head in a pillow.

            James untucked the Invisibility Cloak from the bottom of his trunk.  "So, what do you guys want me to get?"

            "Jellyfish!" Sirius said, and wiggled his fingers.

            "Slugs!" Peter piped up.

            "Squid!" Remus said, and laughed.

            "And I vote leeches," James said with a grin, slipping the Cloak over his head.  "Wish me luck!"

            "Much luck to you, dear friend," Sirius said solemnly, saluting him.

            "Good luck," Remus said, lifting his head briefly from his pillow.

            "Good luck!" Peter called, a huge grin on his face.

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            It was dark and chilly down in the dungeons, and James was getting a serious case of the creeps.  It was really, really silent, quite a bit dingy, and the Bloody Baron just kept floating, deathlike, down the hallways.

            The bespectacled boy shivered again, and twisted the handle to the Potions classroom.  Miraculously, it was all clear, so he slipped within.  The door shut with what seemed to be a deafening click and he tensed, ears straining for any other sound.

            Breathing a sigh of relief, James headed towards the Antechamber of Doom, pulled a hairpin out of his pocket, and began to pick the lock.

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            Sirius sat up happily as the dormitory door seemed to open by itself.  "Hurrah!  Prongs, our fearless hero, has returned!"  James pulled off the cloak and laid it across his bed.

            "Behold!  I have…"  He started pulling jars out of his robe pockets.  "Slugs, leeches, squid, and jellyfish," he said, grinning maniacally, setting each jar on his night table in turn.

            Everyone cheered.  James spread a towel on the floor and knelt beside it.  "Here goes nothing…"  He pulled a leech out of its jar and dropped it on the towel before it could get a hold of his finger.  "Engorgio," he muttered, and the leech began to swell.

            "Was leeches such a good idea?" Sirius said, staring, as the now giant leech began to slurp its way towards James' leg.

            Prongs jumped back in horror.  "Rictusempra!" he shouted, and the leech flipped over and began to twitch.

            "How about huge dead squashy slimy things in their beds?" spoke up Remus.

            James nodded enthusiastically, pointing his wand at the leech, which had resisted his first spell and was making its way towards him again.

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            "Now someone has to get them into the Slytherin dormitories," Remus said, his legs tangled with Sirius' under the covers.

            There was a silence as everyone eyed the towel full of six monstrous, dead things.

            "Fine, I'll do it," Remus said, getting out of bed.  "Mind if I borrow this?" he asked James, pointing at the Invisibility Cloak.

            James shook his head, still staring at the towel.  The young werewolf grabbed the Cloak, then pulled a duffel bag out from under his bed, seized the towel by either end, and began to stuff it inside.

            "It has extra space," he explained, as the towel seemed to sink farther down than the bottom of the bag.  Remus slung it over his shoulder, then swirled the cloak around himself.  Sirius leapt out of bed, caught the now-invisible Remus around the waist, pushed back the hood of the cloak, and kissed him, hard.

            "That has got to be one of the weirdest-looking things I have ever seen," James muttered.  "Sirius, you are kissing a floating head!" he called out.

            Sirius pulled away and snickered.  "A floating head…not really any different than usual," he said enticingly to Remus, who blushed scarlet.  "Good luck, love of my heart."

            "Thanks," Remus said, smiling, and pulled the hood over his head.

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(swish and flick)

Finitum Part Nine!

To be continued…

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Notes:

Many thanks to my dear friend Sashlahime, who suggested I use leeches in this story. XD