The Journal, Chapter 4
By BadMomma
Notes at the bottom.
… thoughts
***** . . . ***** "live" action that takes place while she's writing her journal.
Journal Entry 11.23.AC214
Well today was another enlightening day. Or maybe enlightening isn't the right word, interesting and fact-filled might be more appropriate. I swear if I keep having days like this I think I'll croak. The conversation with Duo that just a few days ago I had been so looking forward to, was finally going to happen. Only things had changed, I had thought to ask him about why he thought my father had left, but now it seemed my focus had changed. Who was the real Heero Yuy? Was he the man from the pictures and vids that seemed so happy and loving or some ruthless war machine?
When I got up this morning the house was empty. Hilde had left a note saying she was taking the kids to the park and then they were going to her mom's for the afternoon; they'd probably be gone all day. Duo had scribbled a note at the bottom of hers saying he had some errands to run but that he'd be back by noon with some lunch, so I should wait for him. That gave me some more time to think about what transpired yesterday. The word 'ruthless' kept running through my mind. I hadn't figured out how to broach the subject with Duo yet when I ran out of time. I had barely had enough time to take a shower and finish getting dressed when I heard him arrive. He called out to me that I should hurry before the food got cold or he ate it all. He's such a child sometimes
He was almost done setting up the spread when I got to the kitchen, so I said hello and went to get some utensils for us to eat with. As I walked back to take a seat, he grabbed my shoulder from behind and asked if I was OK, that he'd been worried about me all night. He knew I hadn't gone to sleep 'til really late because he'd heard me typing in the wee hours of the morning when he'd gone for a 'mid-night bathroom break'. I realized at that point that I wouldn't have to worry about finding some way to bring it up, he just had. Thinking about it now, I wonder if he arranged for Hilde and the kids to be out of the house so we could talk freely? That would be a Duo kind of thing to do. We sat down to eat and I started to tell him some of what Trowa had said and how I was confused about it. I asked why no one had ever said anything like that before and I asked him if they'd all just been lying to me so that I wouldn't think badly of my father, a man I had never known. He said that no they hadn't been lying; that my father really was a nice guy and that he had loved us very much. He and my father had been pretty good friends and from his point of view it just hadn't seemed necessary to go into what he was like at the beginning.
He seemed a bit uncomfortable, as if he didn't know what else to say, or maybe he didn't really want to. So I asked him point blank, "Would you describe him as ruthless, back then, during the wars?" I think that caught him by surprise, because he almost choked on what he was eating. After recovering from the shock, he mulled it over a bit and then started talking.
"I wouldn't say he was ruthless I'd say he was a bit 'psycho'. Well, not a bit, a lot. You know the first time we met – though the word 'met' is stretching it - he had a gun pointed at your mother. If I remember the story correctly it was the second time he had threatened her and they had only met a couple of days before! I decided to defend her, little did I know that – for whatever reason – she was already gaga for him and would actually stand between him and the gun pointed at him. She actually got mad at me for shooting him. Go figure! Took me a while to figure them out!"
"But getting back to Mr. Psycho, within a few days of our first encounter he'd done more crazy things than I thought possible for one human being. We had exploded our way out of a military hospital – I felt bad for landing him in there so I figured I'd bust him out - and he proceeded to plunge 50 stories to the earth without opening the parachute I had so graciously provided. Then, deciding to open it way too late, he crashed into and rolled down a hill and onto the beach, breaking a bone in his leg. He set the damned thing himself a couple of hours later, making himself a splint out of a couple of wrenches and some bandages. Then after ordering me to shut up the whole day, not eating, not stopping for anything, he steals parts from my Gundam to repair his own and then flies off the next morning at the crack of dawn to complete a mission, after spending the whole night up. You know, when he left that morning I still didn't know his name. He was pretty weird, let me tell you."
"After that, we had kind of a little competition thing going for a while, or at least I did. I was so pissed at him for having rummaged ole' Deathscythe for parts that I figured I'd kick his butt at our next encounter just to show him who he was dealing with. Of course that didn't happen. I mean, I was good, but by the time I arrived on the scene he'd almost finished mopping the place up and ended up saving my butt from a Mobile Suit."
"We kind of became unofficial partners for a while, not that I think he would have admitted to it at the time, but we ended up with the same targets on a few occasions. We even went to a couple of the same schools, since we were teenagers; it was only normal that we be in school so we'd transfer around as the missions dictated. You know, one time . . . "
I interrupted him at this point saying that this sounded like he was telling me the same 'your father was a great guy' stories he'd always told me. I wanted to know what it was about him that made Trowa say those things. What he was really like, was he like a machine? Not letting anything or anyone get in his way. Trowa made it sound like he would have killed his best friend to accomplish a mission. I pressed him, would he have? He hesitated for a while and I could see that he really didn't want to answer. I was just about to get up and walk away, figuring that I'd never get a straight answer out of him when he spoke again. "Yeah, he might have."
My heart sank, I felt like I would die, this man I had come to adore had been a horrible person, but all the images in my brain still screamed at me – beautiful, loving, smiling, sweet, caring – I had only pictures and stories to go by, no actual memories. Then it occurred to me that you never photograph someone when their angry or what would be the right word homicidal?
" 'Might have' I said, ALMOST doesn't count!" He continued, obviously reading the distress on my face and this time he was dead serious. "Look babe, your old man was a piece of work. Back then he WAS very much like a machine, his missions were what mattered the most to him, but they weren't the only things that mattered. He hardly ever let his emotions show and he absolutely NEVER talked about them, but he had them. And he had a conscience, which my buddy Trowa forgot to mention. I know because he once came damn close to killing me, me of all people!"
Hn. He sounded almost indignant, hadn't Duo just said that he'd shot my father
". . . he almost pulled the trigger, too. But he decided not to, a conscious decision. It was during that time that Trowa was infiltrating OZ, me and Deathscythe had been captured and it only made sense that he eliminate me, they would try to make me talk. Hell, they had already tried by the time he showed up. He had every intention of shooting me, and when I saw him, gun pointed at me, I told him to go ahead and do it. I figured if I was going to die, better it be at the hand of someone I knew and trusted than by some schmuck who was just out to make an example of me."
I gasped at what he said; it felt like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I couldn't believe what he was saying. How could he have encouraged my father to do something like that? But he continued as if I hadn't interrupted him.
"He was right though, I was a danger to the overall goal. I don't think I would have had the guts to go as far as he did if our positions had been reversed, but he was stronger than me that way. He snuck in to where they were holding me, took out half the installation by himself and disabled the guards that were watching my cell. Then when it came time to fish-or-cut-bait as they say, he didn't kill me. His conscience, or humanity or whatever you want to call it made him override that decision. You see babe, he really did live by the advice he gave Trowa, to follow your emotions. You know, he didn't even have a set plan for getting himself out of there, he'd come to accomplish a task and if he survived it, then he would worry about escape."
"I never managed to get him to tell me what changed his mind that day, not in all the time we spent together over the years. Every time I'd ask him about it he'd just say it had been the right thing to do at that moment, even after all that time he didn't like to explain himself. He probably just didn't want to think about all the stuff that had happened during the wars and all the things that we did. War's not pretty and let me tell you we did some awful things when you take a step back and look at it. Really awful. It's not something you want to keep dredging up and thinking about. I spent a lot of time trying to get the images out of my head, for years I had nightmares about it. Still have them every once in a while but not as often, and now I have Hilde to help me deal with it, to a certain extent she knows what we went through. It couldn't have been any different for him or the rest of the guys either. But it was war and we did what we had to, he just handled himself different than us. He kept it all locked up inside, those thoughts and feelings would have interfered with his ability to do what needed to be done."
I was still missing something crucial and I knew it, I just didn't know what. So I prodded.
I asked Duo to tell me more about him, the real him. Trowa had said that he was like that because he had been made that way, what did he mean, 'made that way'. Why was he so different from the rest of the pilots, what happened to him that he was so . . . I trailed off, because I couldn't think of the right word and I really didn't want to say ruthless.
He must have picked up on my inability to describe it, because he spoke up again. "Cold, rigid, relentless? Take your pick, I've heard them all. I can't really answer that," he said "no one can but him. He never gave me too many details about what it was like for him before Operation Meteor, but as we became friends over the years I did learn a few things about his past. For one, he had no family to speak of, we kind of shared that, I mean, I don't know if he actually was an orphan, or if whoever brought him into the world just turned him over to Dr. J. You've heard about the scientists, right? The guys that gave us our orders?" I nodded and he continued. "He had been trained as an assassin when he was very young, maybe 5 or 6, by this guy whose name I can't remember. God, father, what a horrible life you must have had. I can't begin to imagine what that must have been like I think he hooked up with J after that, but with J's death, the only person that knew anything about Heero's past was Heero himself and he didn't talk about it. I can well imagine why though. He had scars from what they did to him, physical scars. It's real easy to tell the difference between a battle wound and the scar left from a precise medical incision."
"After our missions we usually had some repair work to do on ourselves. The kind of injuries we got would raise way too many questions if we showed up at a hospital, so we usually holed ourselves up for as long as we could between missions and tended to our own injuries. He didn't usually ask me to help him but there are just some things you can't do to yourself and I had asked him about the scars several times before he actually told me anything about it. They'd done things to him, enhanced him he said, experimented on him, but he left it at that. It must have been total hell. I tried not to think about what they'd done to him, but I couldn't help but wonder when we were patching ourselves up about what he must have gone through."
"See, all of us underwent some sort of intensive training that concentrated on our abilities. After I hooked up with Professor G life took on a whole new meaning for me, I had certain 'skills', you could say, that had helped me survive on the streets. Stealth was my specialty, I could get in and out of just about anywhere without being noticed, cracking security codes, picking locks and stealing stuff. I had pretty decent fighting skills – from fighting off bullies, leaches and other street kids – but they put me through weapons, combat and endurance training. They also trained me to be a pretty decent computer hacker, but nothing close to what Heero and Trowa could do. And piloting a Gundam was no easy task, that took a lot of training, too."
"But Heero, he was different. He was way stronger than any normal 15 year old had a right to be. He could see and hear things that no mere mortal could. He survived explosions, beatings, crash landings and all manner of crazy things with just minor injuries usually. He could go for days with barely any sleep or food. He had a mind like a steel trap. He was a great strategist. He knew computers like no one else. He was an expert in the martial arts, combat, weapons, explosives; the list was endless. You name it, he did it and he did it well. He was the ultimate weapon, a superior soldier; he literally was a well-oiled machine. He was single-mindedly focused on the goal of destroying OZ and eliminating their control over the colonies, it was his mission. Accomplishing the mission and not letting anything get in his way, that was Heero to a 'T'. So I guess if Trowa wants to call that ruthless, then yeah I guess he was. I like to think he was just focused!"
He was trying to lighten the mood again. I guess he had noticed I was frowning again because he came around to where I was sitting and he pulled me into a hug. The tears fell from my eyes before I even realized it, I told him that I felt like I didn't know who my father was, even less than I had imagined. That I might never really understand anything about him and that was really very scary. I told him about finding my mom's journals and how I had really begun to wonder about him, and what he was like. And most importantly why he left us. He hugged me tighter all the while whispering comforting words. We stayed like that for a while.
I must have nodded off at some point because the next thing I remember, he was laying me down in my bed. He suggested that I take a nap, since I obviously hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before. He promised that we could talk some more about my father, but that we had talked enough for the moment. I didn't argue with him and I let myself slip back to sleep.
Nothing too exciting happened the rest of the day. When I woke up a couple of hours later he was tinkering in the garage with some old electronics he had lying around and we just talked about anything and nothing, school, boys, music, the kids. He did say one thing though that kind of stuck in my mind. He noticed that I always refer to my father as 'father', that I never call him 'dad'. He says he noticed because it always strikes him as being so formal and that he really didn't notice until his kids got a little older and talked about him to Hilde. They always say 'dad said this' or 'dad did that'. I noticed it too when Hilde got home with the kids and it struck me hard. Maybe I don't call him 'dad' because I never really knew him, and you can't really be informal with someone you essentially have never met. He's this person I've learned about from my family and friends, like you'd learn about some historical figure in school, a complete stranger. I've even reread my previous journal entries and it's true, sad but true. I wish I knew my father.
. . . I love you and Helena, I always will . . .
So here I am, the mystery of Heero Yuy still unsolved, for all I know he could be dead. I still don't know anything really substantial about his past or why he would have left. At least I know a little more about him and one thing I know for sure is that his friends loved him very much, as did my mom. Still do, don't you mom
Well, if they can think good things about him then I guess I need to have faith in their faith and believe in him too.
Journal Entry 11.26.AC214
The last few days have been kind of nice, less stressful than the previous few had been. I got in touch with Katie yesterday, and she's sent me my schoolwork, which I've almost finished up. She says she and the girls miss me and can't wait 'til I get back. We caught up a bit on what's been happening in her life and at school since I left. Seems there's a couple of really cute new teaching assistants and our pregnant math teacher will probably be going on maternity leave before the end of the year rather the middle of next semester cause she's really big and really tired, so god only knows who'll be subbing. Most importantly though, her father has taken an assignment in one of the L4 colonies and he'll most likely be leaving right after New Years. She says that she and her mom will be staying on Earth at least 'til the end of the school year so she doesn't have to transfer, but I'm really pissed. I'm gonna miss her, she's my best friend. Well, I guess we'll just have to make the best of what time we have left together.
Yesterday Duo took me with him to the Preventers office. He said he wanted to show me where he did his best work and show me off to his friends there. They're a real nice bunch of people, most of them are younger than Duo, but only by a few years. Duo made it a point to tell me who was older than him and if they had participated in the wars or not. When I asked him what side they'd been on he said it really didn't matter anymore, because if they were there then it meant they were interested in working to keep the peace and that's all that mattered now. I even met two guys that knew my father, they had worked diplomatic security details with him when he was with the Preventers. Funny when one of them first saw me he commented under his breath to Duo that I could be "Yuy's twin", he laughed and introduced me as just that. It's funny, most people who recognize the similarities between us usually take on a strange or suspicious look in their eyes; but not these guys, they shook my hand, asked if I wanted something to drink and offered the proverbial 'if you ever need anything . . .' It was nice to see that someone who owed me nothing was so willing to be kind, just because of my father.
Duo and I have had a few more conversations about my father and he's helped me to realize that maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself for not being able to come to grips with all the things I've learned in the last few days. It's good to know that Duo doesn't mind talking about him, after all, he was father's best friend, and sometimes I don't feel comfortable talking to mom. I'm always so afraid she's going to zone out or get all sad, and that's the last thing that I'd want to do to her. Duo made me promise that no matter what, I would always come to him if I needed to talk. He looked kind of sad when he said it, I never realized until just now how much he misses him. Maybe it'll be the same for me and Katie, except that I'll know where she is and we'll be able to talk whenever we want to.
why did you have to leave
I talked to Hilde about father a bit, too. She and Duo had been working and living together as friends off and on since just after the wars; I didn't know this but they didn't actually get romantically involved until around the time that I was born. For about a month she and Duo had just been working the salvage business when Lady approached them about working for the Preventers. It seems the Preventers wanted to establish a base in L2 because, though conditions were improving on this colony, it was still one of the poorest and still a hotbed of illegal activity. Because they were both familiar with the area, the Preventers figured they'd be great candidates to take a lead role in the operations here. They accepted the offer and soon Duo found himself traveling a great deal on assignments, Hilde mostly stayed put and handled the start up of the new office. She says that one day Duo showed up after one of his assignments with my father in tow.
After the war, father had gone off by himself for a few months but he'd been keeping track of everybody's whereabouts, especially Duo's and my mother's. When Duo 'got into a tight spot' with some aspect of the assignment, father had popped out of nowhere and offered to help him. They apprehended some major players in a smuggling ring thanks in part to the information father had provided. Duo convinced him to come back with him and join the Preventers. Father ended up staying here with Hilde and Duo for a while, before getting himself reassigned to Earth so he could watch over mom more closely.
Hilde had never met him before that day[1] and she says he was kind of uptight and grumpy the whole time he was with them, at first she thought that he absolutely hated her until Duo explained that that's just the way he was. She says she's never really understood how the two of them could have been such good friends since they were so different, but that there was no denying that they were. It turns out that they had even shared an apartment together for a few months right before mom was kidnapped and the whole Mariemaia thing happened. Hilde doesn't have too many details about what they were doing at that time because in that year between the wars she hadn't really seen Duo much. He'd been running some sort of 'delivery service' – by the way she said it I'm not sure what exactly that means – and there had been some little scuffle involving all the pilots, mom and an old friend of somebody's. After that was settled, it seems father needed a new place to stay and Duo offered to let him stay with him.
That must have been interesting. Duo is a total mess – this I've seen this with my own eyes - and from what I've heard, father was pretty much a neat-shit. She says he used to tell Duo off all the time when he was with them, he'd tell Duo that Hilde was a saint for putting up with his mess and that he was the living equivalent of a hurricane. While he was here, they had put a small bed into Duo's room for father to sleep on and whenever Duo's mess spilled into the square footage that encompassed what father believed to be his share of the room a ruckus would ensue, mostly in Japanese too because apparently when he was perturbed enough to curse, he did it in his native language. Hilde says she learned enough Japanese curse words to last her a lifetime. She even taught me a few!
damn, the vid-phone's ringing, don't want the kids to wake up, who the hell is calling at this hour? it's almost midnight.
*****
"Hello? Oh, Trowa!"
"Helena! Hello, I, sorry, I hope I didn't wake you, I didn't expect . . . I don't mean to be rude but, is Duo there, I need to talk to him."
"No, sorry. I offered to watch the kids so he and Hilde could get out by themselves for a while. Do you want to call him on his wireless[2] – I can give you the number?"
"I have the wireless, I'll try him there. Be sure to tell him that I called, in case I can't reach him. He'll know how to get a hold of me."
"Sure, will do. Hey, are you alright?"
"Yes, thanks. I just need to discuss some business with him. By the way, I wanted to apologize . . ."
"Apologize? What for?"
"For being inconsiderate the other day. I didn't mean to upset you; I just didn't stop to think how what I said would affect you. I care very much for your father and I really do hope you understand that what I said in no way takes away from the fact that he was a great guy and he loved you very much."
"It's OK, Trowa. I was kind of shocked at first, and . . . well it was a bit much to take in all at once. But, I do appreciate you being honest with me."
"Thank you. Well, I have to go now. Take care."
"Bye."
OK, that was kind of weird. Better leave a note for Duo. Hn, I wonder what that was all about?
*****
Let's see, where was I, oh yes, Hilde taught me some Japanese curse words. Well, mom'll probably have a cow if she finds out! Hey, maybe I should check to see if school offers Japanese as a foreign language credit, that'd be cool, and then I'd have something else in common with him. I'll call Katie tomorrow and ask her to check for me. Maybe I'll call mom, too, haven't talked to her in a few days and she probably misses me.
OK, I think that about covers the important points for the last couple of days. I'm yawning again, which means it's time to hit the sack cause tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I have to help Hilde shop for some huge meal we'll be cooking in a couple of days called damn, what did they call it – oh yeah Thanksgiving. Some old American holiday that Duo insists they celebrate ever since they started a family. It actually sounds like fun – although heavy on the carbohydrates! Turkey (which he has to special order from Earth cause apparently they don't raise turkeys here in the L2 sector), mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, stuffing, bread, cranberry sauce, and a few other things I can't remember. To hear Duo talk about it you could probably feed 50 people with what we're planning to cook. Her parents are coming and so are a couple of the Sweepers so it should all turn out real nice.
~~ to be continued ~~
[1] Please, no tomatoes from aficionados (like me) of the "stay true to the series" ideal. In my opinion, she would have been out of it when she was brought back to Peacemillion and wouldn't have actually met him. Not that he was all that sociable anyway. :)
[2] Not sure what the GW-era equivalent of a cell phone would be called.
AN: Well, to those of you interested (all 4 who have written) sorry for the delay. We're coming close to the end, a few more chapters maybe and that's it (?). Special thanks to GalynSolo for proofing; and to my regular proofer, LooNeGirL117. Thanks for reading and please, please, please let me know what you think. If there's not much interest I'll kill it quickly. Write me: BadMomma64@aol.com
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own them.
