The Journal, Chapter 5

By BadMomma

… thoughts

***** . . . ***** "live" action that takes place.

Journal Entry 11.29.AC214

Well, I'm on my way home now, actually, not directly because we're stopping over in the L4 sector to pick something up, but then we're heading home.  I wonder if we'll get to see Quatre while we're there? Duo is coming with me. He wasn't supposed to but something came up with regards to that call from Trowa the other day and he's heading back to earth with me to meet with Lady Une and take care of it.  I don't know what it is of course, it's not like I work for them or anything, but he seems a little tense, uptight, . . . perturbed, and I'm kind of worried about him. I don't think I've ever seen him this serious.  It's kind of funny actually, that serious look doesn't sit well on his face and his eyes look a lot darker – in the dark blue range - than they usually do. Of course it could just be the blue from his uniform that's making his eyes look darker.  I had thought it was weird that he'd wear his uniform to travel but he said it made things a little easier when he does.  Apparently, most the people in the colonies really respect the Preventers and are overly helpful and accommodating when he wears it.  He said he doesn't really like to take advantage of his position in the organization like that but that it does make getting what you want a lot easier, even if it is just a little peace and quiet to get some work done – which he's doing right now.

OK, so, the last couple of days were actually lots of fun.  Thanksgiving dinner and all its preparations were a lot more interesting than I had thought they would be.  Hilde and I had a great time shopping for all the food, just the two of us.  Her mom took the kids and agreed to let them spend the night and Duo was at the office all day;  we on the other hand, started the day by having a late leisurely brunch after dropping the kids off and then set off to 'buy the goods', as she put it.  We got most of what we needed at the local grocery store, but she wanted to go to a fru-fru farmer's market to get fresh herbs and spices, something she says she only does on special occasions.  That turned out to be a real treat because it meant that we had to go a bit out of the way and since we were already going out of the way, she decided to drive me through the section of town where she and Duo originally lived in.  It's pretty much become an industrial area, though according to her it's not much different than when they lived there during and after the wars. 

Their little prefab house is no longer there, they were all taken down to make room for small apartment and office buildings of more solid construction when many of the lots were bought by the larger corporations that came in to help out the economy after the war. She showed me the yard that used to be theirs and where some of their Sweeper friends still live and work.  And when I say yard I don't mean grass and flower beds, I mean junk – oh sorry – salvage materials.  She says it used to piss Duo off all the time when she referred to it as junk, but a rose is a rose, right? Anyhow, the salvage business is still going strong here after all these years and she said that driving through that neighborhood brought back some good memories.  She still comes back frequently since she's now the official, or unofficial, accountant for most of their old junk-buddies, but she says she wouldn't want to live here again, because along with the good memories there are some bad, too.

As for the dinner itself, that was interesting. We hadn't quite finished setting up the table and getting all the food ready before the guests started arriving.  Before we knew it we had like ten people in the kitchen and that didn't include kids.  Hilde's parents arrived first with the kids and then Howard's niece and her husband arrived with their kid – one of the cutest little boys I seen in my life, next to Duo's boys. At first it was nice to have so much help, but pretty soon it became obvious that there were too many people in the kitchen and dining room area and Hilde promptly informed the men that their job was to keep themselves and the children entertained elsewhere until everything was ready.  While we did have a few repeat visits from the boys, mostly because Solo and Howie kept chasing the other little boy around the house threatening to cut his hair with a dinner knife, we were able to finish setting things up without too much delay. As soon as the other guests arrived we settled in for a real stuff-fest. I swear, I think I ate more in that one sitting than I usually eat in a whole day.

Switching on to other matters, I talked to Katie the other day and she checked into the languages being offered at school.  Seems they do offer Japanese and hopefully I'll be able to sign up for it next year.  I think two years of high school French is probably enough and since mom knows how to speak French too, she could help me practice at home.  That should be interesting, we could designate a 'Vive la France' day and speak to each other only in French one day a week, that should keep me pretty fluent.  I hope she doesn't mind about the Japanese, though.  I didn't mention it to her when I called because she looked a little sad and I didn't want to bring it up, it might have led to other things and, well, I don't want to cause her any pain.  I'm glad I'll be home soon, she looks like she needs a little cheering up and maybe I can get Duo to help me with that. I hope he has time to

**********

"Hey, what ya doing there kiddo?  I thought you said you'd finish all your school work" Duo interrupted.

"Yeah I did, actually I was just writing in my journal.  I haven't had a chance to in the last couple of days and I just wanted to keep it up to date.  Not much point to having one if I don't take the time to write, huh?"

"Well, yeah, but you looked so into it I thought maybe something was wrong.  Are you writing about your secret crush or something, is there some guy I need to knock some sense in to when I get you back home?"  His grin grew wide and his eyes started to sparkle just as one eyebrow began to wiggle suggestively.

"Right! No, Duo there's no one you need to knock any sense in to, thank you.  But even if there was, I don't think I'd want you to threaten some poor unsuspecting fool into liking me.  Hn, Baka!"

"Hey!  No fair!  I'm your Uncle Duo.  If your gonna call me that then you should. . ., should show me some respect and call me, Mr. Baka, Uncle Baka, or go for broke and call me Baka-san."  He half-bowed as he offered that last possible title making me giggle a little. He hesitated a moment and then that goofy-I'm-so-hurt grin turned a little serious then he wrinkled his nose and said, "plus, you sound just like your old man when you do that. It's kind of unnerving."

"Oh uh, sorry Duo, I mean, I didn't mean to . . ."

"Aw, don't worry kid, I'm not mad or anything, it's just, well it's weird how you do that sometimes, and well, I was just thinking. . ." He trailed off and looked to be considering something important when he piped up again.  "Aw never mind. So? If you're not writing about your love life, then what are you writing about? Hmmmm?  I promise I won't tell a soul!" He started to inch over in the seat as if he was trying to discreetly – but overtly - glance at the screen. "Not your mom, not Hilde, . . . " the list would have gone on endlessly had I not interrupted him.

"Duo you're not supposed to read other people's journals, they're personal. And private."

"You read your mom's, didn't you?" Again with the eyebrow, what is it with him, can't he keep a straight face for any reason. "Just teasing!  I know you didn't purposely go looking for that information, and I can't say that I blame ya'.  Your mom is kind of reserved most of the time and that can't be easy.  I mean, I just wish . . ."

"I know. You just wish he hadn't gone away, just wish you knew where he was, just wish you knew what he was doing, just wish you knew that he was ok, just wish you knew what made him leave, . . . yeah I know, I wish that too.  Damn, I just wish I knew if he was even alive.  I think even that would help a bit." God, I'm depressing myself.

He grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Look kid I don't know if this is much of a consolation, but I understand, I really do and you don't have to keep it to yourself, you know.  And I know he's out there, too, he's alive.  I can't say how or why, but I know, so trust me."

What was that? Had he been in touch with my father?  "Duo, have you –"

"Oh no.  I didn't mean it that way.  Look, I. . . , I just know that he's alive and you have to trust me. I'm right."

We were just silent for a few minutes, letting that cryptic little exchange sink in. Then all was back to normal.

"So, you glad to be heading home?  I know your mom missed you something awful.  She said it was terribly quiet at the house without you and that she couldn't wait 'til you returned."

"You talked to her? When?"

"I called her before we left.  I talked to Noin yesterday and she said that she was all happy/sad you were coming home. I had to let her know she didn't need to come get you because I could drive you home and that we'd be getting back a little later than originally planned."

"Which reminds me Duo, what are we going to L4 for? If you can tell me, that is.  Will we get a chance to visit Quatre, that's where he lives, right?"

"Actually, he does live in L4, but not where we're going.  And it's not 'what' we're going there for, it's 'who' we're going there for."

"'Who?'"

"Yeah, 'who'.  We're picking up Trowa, he's coming with me to meet with Une."

"But wasn't Trowa in L2, I thought the circus stuck around for a few weeks before moving on. It's only been about a week since I saw him."

"They weren't on L2 the day you saw him, he just came to see you.  I thought you knew that."

"No." I had no idea "But, I wouldn't have thought Trowa would want to be seen with you in uniform and all. I mean, wouldn't that blow his cover or something?"

"Blow his cover? He's not secret ops or anything like that.  He does what you might call 'data gathering'. It's just this latest thing is important and Une wanted to meet with him face to face. No biggie, nothing to worry about. Well, maybe I should let you get back to your journal. I'll just watch the stars go by, plus we should be landing soon."

Yeah right, no biggie.  That's why you've got that look on your face again. OK, um, where was I

ATTENTION PASSENGERS, WE WILL BE ARRIVING AT THE SHUTTLE PORT IN APPROXIMATELY 15 MINUTES.  PLEASE BE SURE TO GATHER ALL PERSONAL BELONGINGS ONCE THE SHUTTLE HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP AT THE GATE.  CONNECTING FLIGHT DATA IS AVAILABLE AT THE BOARDING DESK AND OVERHEAD SCREENS FOR PASSENGERS CONTIUING THEIR TRAVELS.  WE HOPE YOU HAD A PLEASANT FLIGHT.  PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT FOR TOURIST INFORMATION ON THIS COLONY, ENJOY YOUR STAY.

Well, no time to finish now, I guess I'll finish on the way home

**********

Damn, why doesn't this thing boot up more quickly? The heck with cheering mom up, I've got more important things to think about

Now I'm intrigued. Not that I think I'll ever find out exactly what's going on because I'm just a kid, but this is killing me.  Maybe, just maybe, a little bit of my family's cloak-and-dagger past was genetically passed on to me.  So here I am writing this down, making sure to record all the details and trying to decipher the latest puzzle with my feeble little brain.

We got off the shuttle and Trowa was waiting for us.  We had about an hour and a half to kill before the next flight so we went to some 'bar & grill' in the terminal.  Trowa and Duo kept whispering at each other and mumbling half statements while we ordered and looked for a table.  It got so annoying that I asked them if they wanted me to get lost for a while so they could talk and of course they both vehemently declined – well Duo was vehement, Trowa was not quite that!  Anyhow, we ate and drank in silence for a few minutes and I excused myself to go use the facilities, it's not like I needed to, I just couldn't stand the silence and it was pretty obvious they needed to talk about something.  On my way back, as I was about to round the corner of the wall separating our table from the hall to the restrooms, I overheard part of their conversation. 

Trowa was asking Duo if 'she' was sure 'it' was from 'him' and if he'd seen 'it'.  Duo answered that no he hadn't seen 'it' yet but that he would when they got to earth and he was pretty sure that 'she' would know if it was 'him' or not.  In answer to that Trowa said that it was weird the way these two things had come to happen at the same time, was it possible that 'he' had forgotten about sending 'it'.  Duo didn't seem to think that it would have mattered, especially not when what Trowa had discovered was so important, plus they didn't know when 'he' had sent the information to Trowa anyway.  Trowa agreed and said that he wished he had kept an eye on those 'accounts' more closely, it had been quite a while since anyone had used them and the few people aside from 'him' that had ever used them hadn't been providing Trowa any valuable information in the last few years.

Duo asked him if he was sure it was 'him'.  I guess Duo had asked that question before – and more than once – because I could hear the strain in Trowa's voice when he said yes, he was practically hissing.  There were certain code words, he said, that he had only used with 'him' and there was no mistaking it.  He'd never been sure about the other transmissions, but this one left no doubt.  He said he even thought that maybe 'he' wanted him to know who was sending it and that's why this transmission had such clear evidence of who sent it. Duo seemed to snort at that comment, and that he couldn't believe Trowa hadn't said anything about those previous transmissions before.  Trowa apologized, apparently not for the first time either, saying that the previous transmissions had been obtuse in their use of the codes and that it was only natural for him not to seriously give it consideration.  At that Duo reacted a little more loudly, which elicited a few stares from the people sitting at nearby tables, he asked how Trowa could be so insensitive, if they had been from 'him' they might have been able to do something about it, and didn't 'they' deserve to know?  Now Trowa was nearly growling at him, he told Duo that he had absolutely no intention of hurting 'them' any more than he already had, what good would it have done 'them' to know that the messages MIGHT have been from 'him', it's not like 'he' had left a map with his current position.

It occurred to me that it might be time to break up this little conversation, in part because it was starting to sound like some overly confusing soap opera plot and in part because people were really starting to stare.  Just as I was making my decision to come out from behind the wall Duo said the words that left me paralyzed with fear and confusion.  He said 'Sorry man, I guess you're right, they probably couldn't handle something like that again, specially not Relena.'

. . . Forgive me, I never meant to hurt you . . .

So, here I am, sorting the puzzle pieces.  I'm left with only one conclusion as I read this over and recall the flow and tone of the conversation.  If mom is 'she', and who else would it be; then 'they' must be her and me.  That leaves only one possible option for who 'he' must be.  The big question now is, what is 'it'?  What was going on that was so important that he so obviously let them know that he was the one sending it. And is the transmission he sent Trowa somehow related to this 'it' that Duo had not yet seen, but mom had? God, I'm confusing myself!

One last update before going to bed

Lady Une sent someone to meet us at the port with a car to get us where we needed to go.  When we got to the estate, Duo had to practically drag Trowa out of the Jeep to get him to come in and talk to mom.  It was kind of tense when they first saw each other but I think it went alright after that because they stayed talking for quite a while in her office.  They left right before dinner, Duo said they really didn't have time to stay and that he and Trowa needed to get some information to Lady.  I knew what it was he was talking about but decided not to lead on, I didn't want him to know I had overheard any of their conversation, I was embarrassed that I'd deliberately eavesdropped and didn't feel up to admitting it.  They both said goodbye warmly – I even got a hug from Trowa.  Duo promised to come to visit at least once before leaving earth and mom and I watched them drive away. We had a quiet dinner alone and talked mostly about my little vacation on L2, I avoided telling her about my talks with Trowa and Duo. 

I was feeling a bit guilty about not telling her and as we headed to our rooms I blurted out that I had found and read her diaries.  She looked a bit shocked at first and then seemed to consider it.  She said that she didn't really mind and asked me if I had any questions about what I had found.  I told her that I had asked Duo and Trowa to tell me about father and the way he was before they had gotten together.  That I wanted to try and understand what made him do what he had done, what all those cryptic things in the note had meant.  She asked me if it had helped and said that I could have come to her too if I'd wanted.  I knew she was trying to be supportive so I apologized for not trusting her enough to ask.  At that she laughed and said that it was incredible how much like him I was, how I could have developed his odd little personality traits with such accuracy when he wasn't even around, was beyond her comprehension.  I didn't understand what she meant, what little personality traits?

She said it was just like him to try and figure things out on his own – when it came to matters of people and human nature – that he didn't understand, and then only after struggling to piece the information together and formulating a hypothesis would he ask anyone outright.  Again she said that I could ask her anything I wanted to, but not tonight because she was extremely tired and needed a good night's rest.  Before stepping into my room she pulled me into a hug and said she knew she had said it before and that in the end it was all she could say to reassure me, but that I should never doubt that he loved us.  And still does. 

Those words have been repeating themselves in my head ever since she said them.  Does she know about the transmissions Trowa got, do they have something to do with the 'it'.  They were both apparently from him and she's seen 'it', did he send her some kind of message as well?  She didn't mention 'it', so maybe I'll never know.  Maybe I should tell her that I overheard what Duo and Trowa said at the port, but then, if they haven't told her maybe it'll only cause more problems.  I don't know what to do, maybe I'll just sleep on it.  I can't think anymore right now.

Journal Entry 11.30.AC214

As I sit here in my room contemplating the last few weeks and the things that I have heard and seen, I wonder if I'll ever have enough answers to my questions.  I've been home less than a day and I find myself almost as confused as when I left, no more sure of what I'm looking for than when I started this journal.  At least I have some answers to the mystery of who he was, but now there are even more questions, and I fear that I may never get the answers.

Relena,

I'm sorry I can't come back.  Forgive me, I never meant to hurt you.

I love you and Helena, I always will, but this time I cannot return.

Tell the others not to look for me you know it will be futile.

Maybe Zechs was right after all, maybe I'm not good for you.

Heero

I read it again and I still don't know why?  There's something about this message that hasn't made sense from the first time I saw it.  It was there with her journals, tucked in between the discs like just some loose scrap of paper, I almost missed it. 

I wish I knew. 

There's no date on it but I know when he sent it, I'm not exactly sure why she printed and kept it, but it looks like she may have carried it around with her for a while.  Aside from being old, it looks handled – frayed a bit at the edges, with permanent creases from being folded and unfolded.  Maybe she carried it to remind her of him, maybe she just wanted something of his close. She made an entry the day she received it, the ones leading up to it had almost begun to seem desperate. 

He was overdue.  He'd filed the final mission report at least a month earlier and as yet had sent no word.  She wrote about spending days running to the window every time she heard a car pull up at the estate, she'd call Lady daily to see if there had been any word.  She even contacted the ex-pilots to see if they knew anything. Duo, Quatre and Wufei had no news, she never got a hold of Trowa. Her position in the government gave her the resources necessary to access hospital databases on all the colonies and on earth, but nothing in them even hinted at someone like my father. She was becoming depressed, maybe he had died in a car accident, maybe he had been assaulted and left for dead -  a John Doe – in a morgue somewhere.  But no, not him, he was what had she called him the perfect soldier.  Not Heero Yuy, the boy who had survived the self-detonation of his own Gundam, the boy who had managed, against all odds, to escape an exploding Libra and fly ahead of it to destroy the final pieces so that the earth would not be destroyed.  Not the boy who survived all the pitfalls of war and escaped relatively physically unscathed.  Where was he and why had he not returned?

He had missed my second birthday, there was a brief entry that day.  I know she did something for me but I don't know what, all she wrote was that I had asked were he was and that she hadn't really known how to answer.  There are no pictures or vids, no mention of who was there with her.  I've never really asked, maybe I should, not that it really matters anymore.  He wasn't there and that is what is important.  The note came two days later. 

He hacked into the government network, found her address and took control of her computer.  She wasn't looking at the screen as the message came up, she only caught a glimpse of movement as he signed his name and released control.  There it was, the contact she had been longing, but it was so brief and not at all what she had hoped for.  ". . . it is worse than anything I imagined . . ." she wrote.  He was not dead, but it would have the same result.  She would never see him again, she knew it, she knew him. She was frantic, she called on every resource that she could, but no one was able to trace the transmission point, she didn't really expect that to work, he was too good at what he did. She called the ex-pilots again, told them of the message and begged them to help her.  There had to be something wrong and she had to know what is was.  Knowing the nature and details of his last assignment, Wufei went into space within a week, he spent the next three months trying to track my father down without any success.  On their own accounts both Duo and Quatre put all their effort and energy into trying to find him and ended up with nothing. He had vanished. Even Milliardo helped because he too had disappeared without a trace for over a year after the destruction of the Libra.  He knew how to do it and should therefore have an idea of what my father would have needed to do.  The result was the same. Nothing…, no one…, nowhere…; always the only words. If only she had gotten to Trowa, maybe things would have been different.

The next few entries took a downward spiral.  They were short entries, not much substance, negative results to searches, negative thoughts, despair and depression;  but never a single recrimination.  Why wasn't she angry at him?  She only seemed capable of concern, for him, for the man she loved and that she would never see again. She kept writing the same words  ". . . I don't think I can bear it . . ." ". . . how will I explain it to Helena . . ." " . . . what could have happened . . ."  She was so sure that he would never return, never is such a long time.  She never doubted that he wouldn't return and it seems she was right, it's been thirteen years. Within months her journal entries dwindled, they were fewer and farther between, always the same sentiments, always the same words, ". . . never again . . ." ". . . I miss him so . . .".  And then they stopped, the disk wasn't full, I think she just abandoned all hope.

I know now that he was different before they got together, before he found love. So what could have happened to him that would make him think he couldn't come back to us.  She loved him unconditionally, he had to have known that; she had known him back then, when he was cold, hard and unfeeling.  She was responsible for bringing him back to life in a matter of speaking, for cleansing his soul, for helping him find happiness.  Was it something from his little known past that had reared its ugly head and condemned him to return to a life of solitude, and condemned us to a life without him.

And now.  Now he has made his presence known to his friends, after all this time he has made obvious contact even though it's not direct.  What could have happened to make him change his mind.  It's not like he's come back or even told anyone where he is or what he's doing.  Apparently he's really only hinted that he's behind whatever important information Trowa has.  But why?  Why break his self-imposed exile?

I fear that I'll never know my father, that I'll never fill the void that lives within me, that I will never learn why he left us. I pray to whatever gods are listening that they have pity on me, that they give me that which I deserve.  My father.

~~ to be continued ~~

AN:  I wrote the rough draft of this chapter (actually the 2nd journal entry) almost as soon as I started this little journey.  It has taken a turn or two that was not expected, but fit where things were going.  I will only take it as far as you want it to go, a few plot ideas have developed that my proof-reader (LooNeGirL117) would like me flesh out, but only if you want it.  Hopefully you're enjoying the read.  Comments and criticism are not only welcomed but desired, please write to let me know what you think about it:  BadMomma64@aol.com

Disclaimer:  Alas, I don't own them.