The Journal, Chapter 8

Side Story – The Search

By: BadMomma

… thoughts

### date ###  flashback/time change

Duo walked out of the bathroom in his suite at HQ with a towel around his waist and another around his head.  As he slipped into an old pair of sweatpants and t-shirt, his eyes wandering over to the pile of stuff that lie on the counter in the kitchen area.  Tonight was going to be a long night and he wasn't sure what to do with his new found information.  Earlier in the week he'd had so much hope that he'd be seeing his old friend again, but now he wasn't so sure about anything.

### 12.03.214, Tuesday morning, Preventers HQ###

"Duo!"  Trowa came barreling down the hallway towards Duo's temporary office, his badge flapping up and smacking him soundly in the face.  Duo, turning from his conversation with a database tech, nodded his acknowledgement and turned to reenter his office.

"Good news or bad, Tro?" Motioning to an empty chair and going for the untouched pot of coffee he had brewed an hour before.  "I only want to hear good, so if it's bad turn right around and leave.  I don't want to hear that someone's run in to another brick wall."

Trowa settled in to the seat and graciously accepted the mug being offered.  "I guess things aren't going well with the inquiries?"

"Not really," Duo answered, settling into his chair behind the desk, absently stirring at his coffee, "the five uniform companies we've contacted so far show nothing out of the ordinary, their usual shipments to the usual customers, no thefts, no reports of missing bundles, nothing even remotely suspicious in the last couple of years.  I have them looking a little ways back.  And, to further add insult to injury the possible uniform style slacks in question are used by a wide variety of their customers.  We're currently looking at …" He rifled around the desk looking for the report that bore the unpleasant figure, " 268 candidates, all with the same black pants.  You know, if he wants us to find him, he's not making it easy!"

A smile curled the corner of the quieter man's lips, "Did you expect it to be?  He may want us to look, but he won't make it easy."  He leaned forward in his chair and gave his friend a pale imitation of the other's own grin. "I, on the other hand, have some relatively good news."  A questioning raised eyebrow his only response he continued rather deliberately. "The guys in imaging have been able to peel back the picture and should have something to turn over to the database folks within a few hours.  It's not the same sign, but they're pretty sure that it won't be too hard to track down, it's for a new entertainment complex outside of town.  Apparently they're also working on peeling the sound layers to see if they can get any ambient noise that might help pinpoint the location."

A frustrated sigh escaped the long-haired man but a smile graced his face none the less. "Well, that's a step in the right direction.  After yesterday's pointless visit to the messenger service and this morning's report on the uniforms I was starting to wonder if we were going to get anywhere at all with this."

"Duo, what exactly did you find out from the messenger service, I forgot to ask you after I got out my meeting about the NWO?"

"Well not much really," he took another sip and propped his feet on the edge of the desk, "it seems that Mr. Yuy used a nondescript unnumbered routing slip that could have been picked up at any number of places around the world, he used the branch's night drop box – we're requesting a copy of the security surveillance for the area just for kicks – and paid the precise amount of credits needed to deliver said package to one Miss Relena Dorlian's home address.  Not a credit more, not a credit less.  No trail left what so ever. The only thing we have to go by is a description of cardboard box.  Apparently Heero place the delivery pouch, routing slip and payment in a small cardboard box with instructions to look inside.  Apparently the girl that checks the drop box on Monday mornings thought it odd enough to mention to the branch manager or we wouldn't even know that much." 

Trowa let out a low whistle, "Only to be expected, he always was slick."

"Slick, yeah, like a pig in slop."

### 12.04.214, Wednesday evening, HQ West Dorms ###

"Hey, Trowa, you ready man?  The restaurant closes in an hour and I don't feel like eating pizza again." In frustration he knocked harder on his friend's door.  "Hey, I'm the one that needs all the beauty time, remember, you don't have enough hair to make you take so long.  What's the hold up?"

He was answered by a violently opened door and a grin that scared the shit out of him. "Duo, my friend, tonight we celebrate, you better hope they have plenty of wine at that place."  The usually quiet and still semi-stoic man turned to close and lock the door and took off down the hall towards the elevators, "Oh, and I'm paying" the comment and a backwards glance shaking his frozen friend into action.

"Tell me what you know or I'm not taking another step" was the firm declaration as his friend caught up to him at the doors of the elevator.

"Well, I just got a call from Julie – she's one of the database techs assigned to our little investigation – she has identified 4, count them 4, neon signs fitting the description of the one we're looking for, all within 10 miles of each other, all within 15 miles of Heero's old neighborhood."  Stepping onto the elevator that had just arrived, he waited for his slack-jawed friend to recover from the news.  "You coming? Or are you just going to stand there catching flies all night?"

Shutting his mouth with an audible click, Duo practically jumped into the elevator.  "OH. MY. GOD.  Is it possible that we're catching a break here?  I mean, after only what, 3 days, could it be that easy.  And after a day like today, well, I thought we'd never get anywhere.  I told you what we got off the surveillance vids, right, Heero must have paid that kid."

"Kid, what kid?"

"Yeah, I didn't tell you?  Man, we got video from the security company that works that little area and what we found was some kid, must have been about 13 or 14, come up to the drop off slot and pop in the box in question, right around 7:30 on Monday morning, must have caught him on his way to school or something.  We checked a couple of different camera angles, to do a pan of the area, see if maybe we could catch him handing the package over and maybe get a plate from a car or something, but 'Slick' knew what he was doing.  The kid walked into the camera's line of site with the box already in hand, no trace of Heero anywhere."

"'Slick', huh, is that going to be our code name for him now?" Trowa couldn't help but laugh at Duo's obvious frustration.  "Duo, you do realize we'll only find what he wants us to find, obviously, the location of his recording is one of them, I'm more convinced now than ever."

His friend thought it over a bit and acquiesced, "Yeah I guess, but it's still gonna take a while, that area of town is thick with old renovated warehouses, there's loads of apartments there.  It'll take us both days to canvass the area."

"Ah, yes.  But we have two things going for us.  One, we know where to look – a general area at least.  And two, we have the database group to help us.  They were working with the imaging guys to run a program that should extrapolate the approximate distance and angle of the sign from the apartment.  Once we get that, Julie said it'd be ready in the morning, we'll have narrowed down the search radius. I asked her to email it to me so that we can head out straight from here tomorrow."

Duo's spirits seemed to lighten a bit.  "You know, Tro, that sounds like a great plan.  Now, let's hightail it over to Mykonos before they close the kitchen on us. I'm in the mood for a little Pastissio and some Oozo."

### 12.06.214, Friday mid-afternoon, Downtown ###

Come on Duo, pick up the damn phone.  What the hell are you doing?

"Maxwell here."

"Hey, it's me.  What took you so long?"

"Sorry I was momentarily indisposed.  You calling just to check in or what?"

"No sir, I think I found the place."

"What!?! Why didn't you say so damn it! Where the hell are you?"

"Two blocks east, three blocks north of sign #3.  Second building in from the northeast corner, 3408 is the number on the building but you can't really tell unless you know where to look.  I'll meet you out in front."

"I'm already on my way, should be there in about twenty."

"Roger that."

"Hey, Trowa, you still there?"

"Yeah. What's up?"

"Are you sure, I mean, how do you know?"

"Someone matching his description has been renting the place for about five or six years now, the Super's wife says she's pretty sure it's him from the picture I showed her.  I asked if she'd seem him in the last couple of weeks and she said no, but then again they live in the adjacent building and she hardly ever deals with the tenants unless her husband is out, which he is now, and he won't be back for a couple of days."

"Is she gonna let us in?"

"Yeah, I showed her my badge and she was more than willing to hand over the spare key."

"Great, I'll be there as soon as I can. Bye."

### 12.06.214, Friday evening, HQ West Dorms ###

Duo sighed for what seemed like the millionth time, his thoughts returning from the events of earlier in the day.  It's not like he'd expected Heero to be sitting there waiting for them, it's just that he'd hoped for something … else.  After hanging his towels and grabbing a brush from the bathroom, as if in a daze he meandered over to the kitchenette to heat some water in the tea kettle and begin working out the tangles in the damp mass on his head.  It didn't seem like he'd be going to sleep any time soon.  His eyes kept glancing over at THAT pile. Finally giving in to his sullen mood he retrieved the large manila envelope that contained what had left him in such a stupor.  Sitting at a high stool in the breakfast nook, he shook the contents out onto the table, gently picking up the small key and turning it over in his free hand.  Setting the key aside after a few minutes of contemplation he picked up the white envelope with his name on it and retrieved the contents to read them one more time.  Skimming over what he'd seen earlier that day.

Duo,

Thanks for coming.  I'm pretty sure that you're here cause Relena showed you the video, I was sure she would sooner or later so it was safe to bet that you'd come looking.  I really am sorry that I'm not here to give it to you personally.  It may be too late for that. Let me first say thank you for all you've done for Relena and Helena.  I know you and Hilde have been keeping an eye on them all this time and your friendship, support and love is something I could never repay, and it's much more than I'd ever hoped for.  Thank you Duo, from the bottom of my heart.  It probably sounds like an oxymoron, me and my heart, but it's there and it's functioning, you and Relena made sure of that years ago.

Now that I think about it, I don't know when you'll be getting this because as you've probably already figured out, I'm gone from here and I won't be back. The apartment is paid through the end of the lease, which is June AC215, at that time instructions will be delivered stating that the contents of the apartment are to be sold and the money donated to charity, with you named as the designator of the charity, anything not sold is to be turned over to you as well. If you've only just then gotten the letter then I must assume that possibly Relena destroyed the video or just never showed it to you.  Which leaves you in an odd position, you see if she destroyed the video and never showed it to Helena, then you might as well just throw away the key, it doesn't matter now.  The other possibility is that she simply didn't show it to you. Either way, you're going to have to ask her about it.  See, in case you haven't seen it, there was a message for Helena and the key in this envelope is for her too. 

Let me explain.  After I moved to Earth in AC197, I bought a sleeper trunk, I had it in my old apartment and at first I just used it for spare linens and other things I didn't want to leave lying around.  But as I started to mature emotionally, I realized that I had no record of who I was or where I'd been and that maybe one day I'd want something to show that I'd actually existed in this universe and that there were things that I had cared about.  I started collecting odds and ends from my travels, I did research and pulled news clips and media coverage of the wars and of their aftermath.  I collected a few insightful books on a number of topics ranging from life to spirituality to the war and its lasting effects on humanity.  I guess my personal growth had become my new mission.  The trunk slowly became the designated place for those things.  In addition to all this I began collecting photos of us, old and new, mostly I went to Quatre for those and you may not remember but I had lifted a couple from Hilde while I stayed with you guys.  Even after I moved in with Relena I kept adding things to the trunk, sometimes I'd sketch or write about things that I saw and experienced, things that impressed or depressed me. I still occasionally struggled with self-doubt about my place in our new world, I guess all those years of training weren't just going to go away with a little freedom and happiness.

After Relena got pregnant I thought that it was something I could one day share with our children. Yes Duo, children, I had planned on sticking around.  As a matter of fact I had an epiphany of sorts within days of Relena telling me she was pregnant.  I couldn't believe my luck – if you can call it that, here was my chance to make up for some of the death I had caused by creating new life.  It was so unbelievable to me, so awesome and inspiring I doubled my efforts to chronicle my life and my discoveries.  I began making recordings for her, telling her about the little things that would happen on any ordinary day.  They were like a living journal that I had hoped to continue and then share with her when she was older.  I never told Relena about it, it was my little secret.  This key opens the lock on that trunk.  I want you to give it to her. Help her find the trunk, Duo, and let her see who I was, who I'd become, even for a short while.

Those things have been sitting in that trunk for all these years and they're probably still in the same dusty corner of the attic that they've always been.  Relena never went up there, she said the attic gave her the creeps, it's kind of funny when you think about it; a dusty attic scared her, but a homicidal teenage terrorist didn't? As you liked to say, go figure!

I know I'm asking a lot, but I need this Duo. I need her to know who I was.  My actions have pretty much assured that I'll never be able to show her what I'd become, there's no way I can tell her firsthand, so this is my only hope.  The reason I'm asking you to do this and not Relena is because I know you still care and you are an integral part of a lot of what's in that trunk.  I know you've made it possible for her to find out whatever she can about me, like setting up that talk with Trowa last year and taking her to the War Museum; I even watched the two of you in the park after the museum and I do still know how to read lips.  I also know that you can help her come to grips with it in a way that Relena can't.  We were close once, you and I, and you were with me some when I was first coming to grips with my humanity.  Do you remember towards the end of 196, that we had signed up for classes at that college on L1, between the White Fang uprising and Relena's kidnapping?  You had enrolled in a class about the history of poetry thinking you could knock out two requirements with just one class.  They had given you an assignment to write a poem about someone you knew and you wrote a poem about me.  I was surprised that you showed it to me, but what surprised me even more was a verse that went something like this:

            Remember why you came and why you're alive,

            Experience the warmth,

            Before you grow cold,

            Before you grow old.[1]

Those words had a profound affect on me, though I don't think I ever told you. I still think about that poem, as a matter of fact, I even wrote what I could remember of it a few years later in my sketch/journal book, one day that I found myself away from home and shivering at the cold weather.  It should still be in the trunk with my other things. 

You shared your warmth with me and made me a more whole person for it, please share it with her now.  She needs it, she deserves it, and I can't think of a better person to do it than you.  I believe that you'll honor my request, if you can.  Thank you again, my friend.  I know you still consider me one and for that I will be eternally grateful, and eternally in your debt.

Heero Yuy

November AC214

This was killing him.  He folded his arms on the counter and dropped his head onto them, letter still in hand.  Heero's words, written out by his own hand not so long ago, reaching out to him, yet shutting him out.  How could he do this, how could he face Helena and help her through this.  Talking about Heero was one thing, but this, he didn't know if he was angry, depressed, but whatever he was, he just didn't think he could do it.  They had been so close. After finding the letter earlier that afternoon, he had just sat on the couch and looked around the room.  He could almost see Heero ghosting around days earlier, moving from area to area, packing up all evidence of his existence there, putting away the pile of clothes that had sat on the desk during the video, putting on the jacket, and leaving with one last look back. 

Duo's thoughts took the same path they been taking all afternoon.  If he hadn't gone back to L2 when he did, he might have found him in time, might have tracked him down before he'd gotten away.  His friend, one of the few true friends he'd had in life, someone he still considered his best friend.  Why couldn't Heero see how hard this was for all of them?  Why after all this time did it hurt just as bad that his friend was gone? Judging from the video and the letter Heero hadn't reverted to disconnecting from the world in his unemotional façade, but if that was true then he couldn't be oblivious to how hard this would be. 

Just then a firm hand tousling the back of his head broke him from his thoughts and he caught the tail end of Trowa's remarks.   "… how this works don't you. You're supposed to flip the lid up so it doesn't keep making that noise." 

Pouring water into two tea-bagged and ready mugs on the counter, Trowa turned to regard his friend.  "It's still eating at you?  Isn't it?"  A vague head nod was the only response from his friend.  "Duo, look at me… look at me, damnit!"

Duo looked up to see his friend, obviously just out of the shower, damp bangs hanging heavily just to the side of his face, both green eyes staring intently at him.  "If you don't get yourself together, you'll do more harm than good tomorrow.  They need you to be strong.  I know it hurts, it can't NOT hurt, but you're not the only one hurting, you know.  I may not have been as close to him as you were but he was still ONE of my two closest friends.  Did you honestly expect him just to be sitting there waiting for us?"

Taking the offered tea, Duo just shook his head, "I… I don't know what I expected!"  They'd been over this already, they were apparently gonna go over it again.  "Look Tro, I guess I just hoped that it would be something more.  I don't know, at least a 'hey buddy, if you ever desperately need to get a hold of me do this, now that I've decided to make my presence known'.  I don't know", he stood up and turned away from the expectant look on his friend's face. "It's like he's reaching out, he wanted us to look for him Trowa, he wants them to know he's around.  He all but said it in the letter that he's practically been stalking us.  He sat there and watched me talk to Helena at the War Museum when I was here eight months ago.  If he's so damn close why is he still hiding?! Why all this contact so damn close together? Why can't he just come back, say he's sorry and take it like a man?"

"Duo, did it ever occur to you that the threat to Relena and Zechs might have scared him into action?  Wouldn't you be scared shitless if you suddenly found out that some psychos had it out for Hilde and the kids and you couldn't necessarily protect them?  Think about it, he's been hiding out for years, watching from the shadows, everything's going along just great.  Relena and Helena are happy, they've got family close with Zechs, Noin and the kids at the estate, you and Hilde are never more than a call away, and you come back to earth as often as you can.  He knew they were in good hands. Then he discovers that this group of fanatics, who are already under surveillance by the Preventers, have decided to go after a bunch of diplomats and that his one and only child's two remaining blood relatives are both on their list of targets. Wouldn't that throw you for a bit of a loop.  Make you reconsider what you were doing with your life and how you were handling things."

He had a point.  "Damnit Trowa, then why won't he come back to help protect them!  It's not like they'd turn him away.  He knows what's been going on, he knows Helena's desperate to learn more about him. Why can't he just give in and admit he was wrong, come back and make it right?"

Trowa shook his head slowly, "Sometimes it's not that easy and since we still don't know what prompted him to leave…"  Duo returned to the stool and began turning the key over in his fingers when a knock on the door surprised them. Trowa being closest walked over to see who it could be.

"Barton! Pardon my interruption, I thought this was Maxwell's room."

"Chang."  He jerked his head in Duo's direction and opened the door wider to allow him in. "Tea?" he asked, walking back towards the kitchen as Wufei closed the door behind himself.  An outside observer might have thought it too formal an exchange between men who knew each other, but Trowa had learned that it was not insensitivity that made Wufei refer to them by their last names, it was more of an honorific, having something to do with his cultural background.  To Wufei it was a sign of respect, not of distance or contempt.

Duo turned his head and graced Wufei with a nod before returning to stare into his mug.  Wufei approached his seated friend with something akin to caution.  "Maxwell, I spoke to Noin today.  She told me a bit of what's been going on.  I came to see if I could offer my assistance."  Though Duo did not, Trowa acknowledged the offer with a brief nod.  "I know Yuy and I were not as close as you three, but I respected him and I too felt his loss. I have been on assignment for the last week so I am not privy to what has been transpiring.  Is there anything I can do to further your investigations?"

"Not unless you can conjure ghosts, Wu."  And without even looking, he handed Wufei Heero's letter.  The Chinese man set to reading it and when he was done he simply folded the sheet, returned it to the counter and turned to look at Trowa. 

Without missing a beat, he pulled over a chair, took his tea in hand, sat and said, "bring me up to speed."

Trowa ran over the details of what had transpired in the last week leading up to finding the letter that afternoon and gave him a brief background on the part they'd both played in Helena's search for knowledge of her father.  He also told Wufei how Relena asked them to be there when she played the recording for Helena the next evening.  He leaned back into the counter and let his friend digest the information, Duo had yet to participate in their conversation.

When Wufei had given it careful consideration, he set his mug down and gave his assessment.  "You seem to have everything covered, and you checked the name he was leasing under and turned nothing up?" An affirmative nod. "Yes, that would have been too easy." He paused, "You cross referenced that name with the clients of the uniform companies?"

Again Trowa replied. "Working on it.  Doubtful."

"Very well, I doubt that will turn anything up either."  He stopped as if checking over a mental list to make sure all his concerns had been addressed before continuing.  "I agree that the girl should know" he nudged Duo, whose head had returned to his folded arms but rolled to the side to acknowledge him, "and you should both be there as you have obviously been helping her through this. I would imagine that it might be wise for Zechs and Noin to be there as well, however if too many people are there she may not appreciate the knowledge that all of you have been withholding this information from her, for however short a time.  You may want to discuss this with Relena.  Have you informed her of the letter?" Trowa indicated the negative and he continued. "You should.  I also think that before you show her the recording you should check to see if the trunk is still in the attic.  It would be better to know ahead of time than to fill her with a false hope only to have it shattered."  Trowa nodded his assent, he had thought the same thing but hadn't had a chance to talk to Duo about it yet since his friend had been so despondent after their afternoon discovery. When he looked up again, Wufei had risen from his seat and was pacing a small circuit around the room, a tight fist balled up in the small of his back and the fingers of the other hand tapping lightly on the outside of his thigh.  Turning suddenly to face them he cocked his head and asked, "have you tried to track down the boy?"

This got a reaction from Duo who looked up at him slightly confused.  "Boy, what boy?"

"The one that dropped off Yuy's package, he was bound to have had some conversation with Yuy, even if it was brief.  Children have a tendency to notice more than they realize and with the right line of questioning he might be able to offer some information."  He looked between both men who were just staring back at him.  "Obviously not I see, with your permission I will see to that myself tomorrow" he offered.

"How do you expect to do that, 'Fei, it's not like we know who the kid is?"  Duo still appeared to be out of it, but Trowa was quick to respond and began moving towards the door.

"Just like Heero did, we show up early outside the messenger service, in the area where the kid came from.  He hadn't walked across the camera's view before.  And if Heero found him on his way to school, well… we might be able to, too." Stopping just before opening the door he spoke again "I loaded a copy of the surveillance recording into my computer in case we needed it, I'll print a copy of the boy's face so you can look for him tomorrow. Thank you, Wufei, I can't believe we didn't think of that! It can't hurt right?"  And with that he left closing the door behind him only to return a few minutes later with an image of the child.

Accepting the page offered, Wufei stood to take his leave.  "If there is anything else that I can help with please let me know.  Be assured that the agents we have in the NWO are some of our best, Yuy helped assess some of them.  And security around Zechs and Relena is being tightened, I have already spoken to several agents who are assigned and I have great confidence in their abilities.  We will do everything in our power to protect them.  Good luck tomorrow." He patted his long-haired friend on the shoulder then Trowa followed him towards the door, before stepping out he turned and said, "Get some rest Maxwell, you'll need your strength, that girl needs you and so does Relena.  She'll need the support to get through this, to her you're the next best thing to Yuy."  Before finally slipping through the door he looked curiously at Trowa then raised an eyebrow and said, "Nice shorts, did Maxwell lend them to you or have you just been associating with him for too long?  I didn't think that was your style!"  Both men chuckled, shook hands and parted ways.  Trowa appreciated Wufei's gesture, he'd wanted them both to know that he cared and a little harmless barb would do just the trick.

As Trowa went back to the kitchen he noticed that Duo was still resting his head on his folded arms, but fortunately he was no longer hiding his face.  He picked up the empty mugs, rinsed them in the sink and went to stand behind his friend.  He pulled gently on Duo's shoulders to make him sit upright and began sectioning off his still slightly damp hair.  "I may not be as good as Hilde, but I still remember how to do this. I hope you don't mind, I don't want to hear you bitch all day tomorrow that your hair is a mess because you went to bed with it wet and unbraided."  He paused, hoping to get a response but got none.  "Wufei was right, we should call Relena and tell her about the letter before showing up tomorrow afternoon, and we should definitely look for the trunk.  There is no point in mentioning it if someone's already cleaned it out of the attic."  A groan resembling assent was his only reply.  "I was also thinking that maybe I shouldn't be involved tomorrow, you know, I might just get in the way, and I don't know…"  That was as far as he would get.

"Oh no! Don't you dare think that you're going to crawl your way out of this one.  You have as much responsibility to those women as I do.  You are just as involved in this whole thing as me." Duo had reacted so suddenly that Trowa almost lost his grip on the braid he was making.  "Relena wants you there, she told me so. And anyways, I could use your support, too. I don't know if I can do it all by myself Tro. It's been so long since I've felt this way, I mean, I think about him frequently, how can I not, the girls are part of my family, they're a constant reminder of him.  But I had all that under control, and now, now it's like he just left again.  I hadn't been as close to anyone as him since Solo died, and when Heero left, it just came crashing down on me. I felt alone again."  He felt his friend stiffen momentarily behind him and then reach over to grab the tie to secure his braid.

He turned to look at the quiet man standing behind him and realized in that moment just how hard it was for Trowa as well.  He stood and firmly squeezed his friend's shoulder to show that he understood.  It was a pain they both shared.  One of the reason the three of them had been such fast friends is that they had all led parallel lives.  Parentless, homeless, forced to rely on their abilities from early on to survive, with no support structure or compassion to guide them through their trials.  Wufei and Quatre had both been raised in strong families with love and support, and while they had not had an easy time during the wars, they'd at least had something personal to fight for. 

Trowa, Duo and Heero had occasionally referred to themselves as the lost boys, it seemed to describe them well enough.  When the fighting was done they had no ghosts who would be proud of them, no ancestors that they could be proud for, no families or homelands to return to.  They would have been alone, if not for each other.

"I'm sorry Trowa, I know it hasn't been easy for you either. I'm being selfish and I…"

"Don't worry Duo, I know you've had a harder time of it than me.  I shut myself off from them when Heero left, he was my closest friend and yet I neglected my duty to him, and to you, by turning my back on them.  I don't deserve to be part of their world anymore, and maybe that's why I can understand why he feels he can't come back."  Duo moved as if to make an objection, but the taller man held up his hand and continued. "I wish he would come back, don't get me wrong, but I can see where he might not think he can.  The guilt and the shame can be overwhelming. I feel so bad, so guilty, every time I look at them.  I was so ashamed, a not a little scared, that day in the park when it finally dawned on me that I would have to tell Helena what I had done.  And what's worse is that I not only failed them then, I've failed them every day since."

Neither man spoke for a minutes, digesting the full extent of what the other had said. It was Duo who snapped out of it first with the intent of lessening his friend's pain, the best way he knew how.  "You know, Fei's right, those shorts are kind of cute, where'd you get them, I might get myself a pair!"

His grin met a surprised emerald green eye.  "You should know, you gave them to me last Christmas. And don't think you're going to blame this bad taste on Hilde, I know better!  Want some more tea?"

"Sure man, sure. You hungry, want to order some sandwiches?" A nod.  "The usual?"  An affirmative grunt.  "OK, and then I think I'll call Hilde I didn't get a chance to call her yesterday."  With that he disappeared into the bedroom and his friend was left standing in the kitchen, mumbling something sounding suspiciously like 'ryoukai'.

~~ to be continued ~~

[1] Confession: I actually *stole* these words from an Incubus song that has always made me think of Heero, even from the first time I heard it.  Check it out, it is a beautiful, hauntingly intense song urging one to 'experience the warmth'.  The album is 'Make Yourself', the song (track 4) is 'The Warmth'; they don't belong to me either.

Authors Notes:

Well it is long overdue, sorry DruidKeep, but see I didn't abandon it.  I suffered some serious holiday writer's block but I think I've finally got my self back on track.  Thanks again to those of you reading that have commented, it means a lot to me.  I hope to get more out soon. Feel free to keep bugging me about it, it might push me to write more quickly. 

Comments, PLEEEEEASE!  Write me at BadMomma64@aol.com

Disclaimer:  The days pass, and still, I do not own them.