The Journal, Chapter 12

By BadMomma

… thoughts

***** . . . ***** "live" action that takes place.

Notes at the bottom.

Journal Entry 11.05.AC215

Wow, what a birthday present!  OK, so it's not quite my birthday yet but I'll consider this an early present.  Mom, Duo, Trowa and I had a talk a couple of days ago and everybody agreed that it would be a good idea for me to send dad a message.  Their attempts haven't work yet so it can't hurt if I try.  It was decided that Trowa, since it's his thing, would set me up and show me how to post messages to the services that he uses to contact dad; there are three sites that he posts to and he filled me in on how to address them and what to say to get the message across.  It's not like he just posts a message saying 'hey Heero, got a message for you'.  Apparently we'll be sticking to the covert method of communication.  It's a little funky but I think I got the hang of it.  There's even an encryption program that he sent me in case I wanted to attach a document or something to my post.

So, now three days and several conversations later I have finally successfully sent my first set of posts to my father.  I took the time to call Michael and talk to him about what I should send.  In the end, what he said was that only I could decide what to say, but we talked through the multitude of ideas that had been swimming in my head for the last couple of weeks.  He helped me sort out the drivel – you know the melodramatic stuff – and figure out what I really wanted to get across.  I don't know how or why I've come to rely on Michael so much, but I really think that without his friendship and support I would have been one messed up puppy.  We talk almost constantly much more than Katie and do, and whether it's on-line or on the phone more often than not it's he who calls me.  His phone bill must be through the roof!  Life is kind of funny that way, it sends you a little angel-in-disguise when you least expect it.  I am so grateful for his friendship and his love that I can't begin to think of a way to repay him.  But I guess that's the clincher, when friendship and love are offered there's no expectation of a reward, or it wouldn't truly be friendship and love.

And for the record, what I said to my dad was that I really missed not having him in my life, but that I don't begrudge his not being there cause I'm sure he had his reasons.  I told him that everyone must make their own decisions in life as to what they do even if nobody else knows why you did it.  I told him that I'd love to see or meet or talk to him, but that if he couldn't bring himself to do it, I'd understand.  If all his friends could accept his absence and still love him, then so could I.  And I told him that I loved him.

I hope it makes a difference.

Journal Entry  01.01.AC216

Oh jeez, I think I'm in love.  Actually, I think I fell in love and didn't realize it until just now.  Or maybe, I'm making a mountain out of a mole-hill but I can't help it.  What else am I supposed to think when I've just had what can only be classified as a first kiss.

Alright technically, it's not my first kiss.  There was that little matter of Tommy Jergens when I was a freshman, but I don't think that really counts since (A) I was thirteen, (B) it was sort of done on a dare and (C) it was more like a drive-by-kissing than anything else.  I'll explain.  We were at Harry Corbin's house for his birthday party and there were a few of his older brother's friend there as well – they were sophomores.  We all thought that Harry's parents were the coolest because as soon as the party started they disappeared into another part of the house and didn't reappear unless someone's parents showed up; so of course it was like we had the run of the place and being that we were all pretty much goof balls you could say that things deteriorated a bit.  The older boys there were trying to show up the younger boys and they kept asking the girls to dance and flirting with us.  Tommy was one of the cutest guys in his class, he was a sophomore, so when he asked me to dance I readily accepted. Everything was going smooth as silk until the song was ending and he leaned in and bussed me.  I was caught off guard and kind of embarrassed so I pulled back right away, smiled weakly, then turned tail and fled.  I found out later in the evening that all the sophomore boys were doing that as a way to shower their manly superiority over the freshman boys. It really bugged me and the rest of my friends, so we started ignoring them.  I remember one of the girls saying that it really sucked that her first kiss was from some jerk that was just trying to prove a point, when somebody pointed out that if you didn't respond to the kiss – as in kissing back – it didn't really count.  So there you have it.  Not my first kiss.

Of course, by that definition, what happened not even a few hours ago was definitely my first kiss.  What happened last night was a prelude to it.  Alright, I know I'm not being clear here so let me expound.

We were supposed to go to a New Year's Eve party at one of mom's coworker's – it's the same group who rotates the location of the party every year - but mom's been sick lately, so we bowed out at the last minute.  Of course, Michael was here for the holiday break to visit with his family and he was going to be our date for the party – mom's and mine.  Mom tried to convince us to go without her but we didn't want to, there was no point to it and I preferred to stay home and celebrate with her.  She stayed up just long enough to ring in the New Year, watch some fireworks from the veranda and then she excused herself to go to bed.  Michael and I stayed out there and ended up just hanging out and talking for several hours.  Well, it began with talking.  After catching each other up on what had been happening lately cause we hadn't had a chance to talk since he'd come to town, I mentioned that I was feeling kind of mopey.  I had talked to Katie in the morning and it just reinforced the fact that at this same time last year we were together.  Inevitably the conversation turned to my dad.

It's been almost two months since I posted my message to my dad and we haven't had a response yet.  I don't know if I really expected him to reply right away or what, but I guess deep down inside I'd held a flicker of hope that my message would have made the difference.  I honestly don't even know if he's seen the message.  Trowa explained that there's really no way to know if he's accessed it, that the only way we'll know for sure is if dad replies.

So of course, I'm feeling sad that Katie's not around for New Year's for what feels like the first time in my life, I haven't heard anything from my dad, I haven't seen my uncles in like forever, mom's been sick lately and it's the first time I'd seen Michael in over two months.  I was feeling a little down, a little lonely.  Michael came over and hugged me and held me for a little while as I foolishly broke down and cried.  No sobbing heart-ache stuff or anything, just sappy, whimpering and tears crap.  He stood there stroking my hair, rubbing circles on my back and reassuring me; telling me it was OK to cry, telling me to go ahead and let it all out, telling me that he was there for me and that he really didn't mind at all that I was essentially soaking his favorite sweater.  That last comment finally made it through the haze of tears and stupidity and it garnered a laugh from me.  He kissed the top of my head then pushed my shoulders back to look at me.  He smiled and said he was glad that his misfortune was a cause for humor, we both laughed that time.  He pulled me close again and held me tighter than before; he said he wished he could do more to help me, to make things right for me.  I thanked him then, for his friendship, for his support, for his love.  I told him that without him I would've been a mess these last few months and that I was so glad he was a part of my life.  He cupped my face in his hands and said that I was a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for, that I should believe in myself and not give up hope.  He kissed me on the forehead and then pulled me into a hug again. This time it felt less urgent, it was warm and comforting.  It felt good. 

After a minute or two he asked me how many messages I'd sent and when I told him only one, he suggested that I write more.  He said that maybe my dad had seen it and hadn't responded for the same reason he hadn't responded to the guys' messages.  Maybe, if I wrote to him more, sent him other messages he might eventually respond.  Rather than just repeating what I'd said, Michael suggested that I start carrying on a running conversation with my dad.  'Tell him about yourself' he said, 'tell him about things he wouldn't know from just observing you – tell him what you think, how you feel, what's going on in your life – make it like your living journal'.  That thought struck me hard. A living journal.  I could send him excerpts from my journal.  It is the one place where all my thoughts and feelings have been accumulated and it would really let him know a lot about me; just like I learned about him through his and about mom through hers.  This was it.  This was the best idea I'd heard in a long time and I told him so.

I turned to face him, grabbed his head in my hands, and I thanked him, repeatedly, between kissing his cheeks and his forehead – for which I practically had to stand on my toes.  He finally stopped my babbling thanks by holding my face steady in both his hands and quietly saying 'you're welcome', then he leaned in and placed a quick kiss on my lips.  'You're welcome' he repeated staring me right in the eyes, 'I'm glad I could make you so happy' then he pulled me against him again.  I could hear his heart beating rapidly in his chest, it was running at the same speed as mine.  I felt warm again, only this time I felt it mostly on my face.  I was blushing.

It was several minutes before he broke the silence by saying that it was getting late and he should probably head out.  It would take him forty-five minutes to get home and he needed to get up kind of early to meet a friend at the university at ten.  I got his coat and walked him to the door.  He put it on as I opened the door for him.  He started to step past me on his way out but before crossing the threshold he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek saying only a quiet goodnight.  Then he was gone.  I closed the door behind him and just leaned forward with my forehead resting on the door.  A few minutes later, with my heart still thudding in my chest, I went to bed.

He showed up this afternoon, a little before two o'clock, bearing flowers and an overly cheerful smile.  Mom and I were just finishing up lunch when he arrived and he sat with us at the table for a while.  He asked mom how she was feeling and if he could do anything for her.  She politely declined and said she was just going to rest for a while before trying to catch up on some work later in the afternoon.  She's really been out of it lately and the holiday season didn't necessarily guarantee less work for her.

Things were a little awkward once she was gone and I milled about trying to look like I had more clean up to do than our lunch had required.  He finally broke the ice by suggesting we take a walk down to the lake, it being a nice day and all despite the fact that it was a little chilly out.  I agreed and went up to get a sweater from my room.  I caught myself standing at the closet door trying to figure out which would look best with the clothes I had on and felt like a fool.  I swore at myself and finally grabbed the nearest sweater, it was a slightly oversized beige thing with cables and cords patterned down the front; it reminded me of those sweaters you always see fishermen wearing in the movies.  I pulled it over my head and went down to meet him.  Michael was waiting for me at the back door, he held it open for me and we set out towards the lake. 

We were nearly at the shore when he broken the silence again.  He apologized 'for last night' and then said nothing more.  I was about to ask specifically what about last night he was apologizing for when he said that he hadn't meant to make me feel uncomfortable by kissing me and that he was really sorry.  He said he didn't regret kissing me just doing it without asking, but that he would understand if I was mad.  He was going into some tirade about how he knew it was wrong of him to do and how it would affect our friendship and that he hoped we could get past it and still be good friends - he still hadn't looked me in the eye.  I grabbed his wrist and waited until he looked up at me.  I told him that I wasn't mad, I was a little shocked but not mad.  He let out a big gush of air and said 'thank God!  I was so worried I'd totally screwed up everything between us last night.'

That caught me by surprise, 'Why, Michael, why would you think that you'd screwed something up between us?'  His answer took me a bit more by surprise.

'Because I like you Hel' he answered after just a short pause, 'Really like you, and I'm not entirely sure how you feel about me.' I opened my mouth to reply but he continued on as if he just needed to get it all out before I said anything.  'Look' he told me 'I know I'm a bit older than you, but not by much' he chuckled and swiped a hand through his hair nervously 'hell, my parents have a bigger age difference than us, but I guess, I don't know, I guess I'm not sure how everybody would react if I asked you out like on a date and stuff, you know your mom, my uncle, your other uncles?  I don't even know if you'd agree to it, yanno?  I like you, I wanna go out with you.  I was gonna wait til you graduated to ask but I… I couldn't help it last night.  You were right there and you were hurting and I wanted to make it all better.  Damn! and you were kissing me and you had your hands on my face and we were so close that I… I just couldn't help it!'  He kind of grimaced, it looked like he was trying to convey the fact that while he didn't really regret it, he still sort of did.  Am I making any sense here?  'I'm sorry, Helena. Sorry I took advantage of you, sorry I rushed you.  It's not something friends should do to each other.'  He hung his head a bit to hide his eyes and turned a quarter of the way away from me.

It took me a few minutes to let everything he'd said sink in.  He liked me? Wow!  Like, boyfriend kind of liked me?  Double wow!  I hadn't really thought about it that way before.  I mean yeah, I liked him too, a lot.  He was my best friend.  It's not inconceivable that best friends further their relationships and start dating, it's happened before, right?  Sure! Look at Hilde and Duo, Sally and Wufei.  It had happened with them.  Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't, no big deal.  The idea was growing on me.  I definitely found him attractive, Michael was a very good looking guy.  Yeah he was a little older than me, but not by that much, if it hadn't been for his advanced placement as a result of his tutors he would have been a senior in high school when I was – ugh! – in eighth grade, OK bad analogy. Let's see.  If go up and not down, we'd both be in college next year, there you go! That's not bad.  Hell, as soon as I graduated in May, I'd be in college, I'd be eligible in just a few months, if I started taking classes in the summer. 

A quiet 'maybe I should go' broke me out of my thoughts.  And I jumped at him practically yelling 'no'.

I grabbed him and hugged him and repeated the 'no'.  'No. Michael, don't go.  I'm not mad, and I… I think I like you too… like that!' I said.  Ooooh, I sounded so mature! 'Huh?' was his reply so I forged ahead before I had a chance to chicken out.  'I think I like you too' I repeated, then changed my mind 'no, I know I like you, a lot!  You're my best friend, you're a real sweet guy, and you're damned good looking too!' I laughed and he laughed with me.  I hugged him closer then more quietly, less frantically, said 'you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me, I don't know what I would have done without you.  I'm not mad that you kissed me, I just wasn't expecting it, that's all, and I guess, well, I was a little embarrassed.  I didn't really even get to enjoy it or anything and…' I felt him pull away from me a bit and looked up to meet the shock in his eyes as I realized what I had just said.  Oh, now I was really embarrassed, until he smiled at me, and then he leaned in very slowly, when we were almost touching again he breathed 'may I?' and I just barely nodded before he closed the distance between us.  It was still a gentle smooth little kiss, but this time I kissed back.  We held it for just a bit before he pulled back and just held onto me.  'Thank you Hel, I thought I'd made a mess of things' was all he said for a while as I listened to the beating of his heart.

We didn't do much else but talk then, still holding on to each other.  We decided that we would keep things mostly at the same level that they'd been at up and until now and not really officially start dating until I finished school.  It's not like it was such a big deal, we'd gone out to the movies or to the mall together before but we weren't sure how everyone would react.  He had after all been an assistant teacher at my school last year.  He wasn't now, but it was just kind of too close for comfort.  Of course, the fact that he is returning to England in a few days and probably wont' be back until May would interfere with a dating relationship anyway.  So we left it at that. 

He left just a couple of hours later.  He kissed me once more at the door and then made a joke about it being a good thing that he'd be in the next continent for a few months cause he could really get used to doing that.  There's a chance I may not see him again before he leaves – he's got commitments with family and other friends he hasn't seen in a while, but he promised to try to swing by at least once more.  I'm really looking forward to seeing him again, but for now I'm just sitting here feeling all tingly and shit with a huge grin on my face. 

Of course, if I decide to send dad entries from my journal, I guess he'll see this too. 

So, what do you think dad?  Your little girl's really growing up, huh?  Good thing Duo won't be reading this, or I might never hear the end of it.  Don't tell him, OK?  But then again, what's the chance that he won't know by the time you see this?  I guess I have to figure out now how I'm gonna send you these and how often I'm gonna do it.  Maybe I'll send you one journal entry a month, give you time to think about it, digest what I've written, see how you feel about it before hitting you with the next bit of it.  One a month sounds good, there's let's see 24 entries, 25 counting this one.  Maybe I won't get around to sending this one at all and it'll be my little secret.  I sure hope you break long before this entry.  I want so badly to see you, to meet you, to talk to you, to hold you in my arms and have you hold me too.  I love you dad, always will, whatever the reasons, whatever the circumstances.  I love you.

~~ to be continued ~~

Notes:  Thanks again to everyone who has written to comment and encourage me; I really appreciate it.  Makes me remember there are people waiting for me to get off my duff and finish this.  Which I will.  Take care y'all, talk to ya' soon.  Also, thanks Faya for beta-reading.  Write me:  BadMomma64@aol.com

Disclaimer:  Still don't own them, still wish I did.