By BadMomma (badmomma64@aol.com)
Helena POV
Notes at the bottom.
Excerpts from the last journal entries of Helena Yuy, AC217 – 219
01.16.217
…I overheard them talking on the veranda this morning, I didn't mean to eaves-drop, I was just passing by and heard the voices and wondered who was there. They were sitting at the smaller patio table, both with their feet up on the railing, sipping at mugs of some hot liquid. They weren't exactly whispering but the words were low and sounded secretive none the less. In utter silence I listened, hoping to gleam some knowledge of what they'd been talking about for so many days.
'How'd you do it, how did you make it work?'
'We just did, don't really know how, we just managed. Listen, you'll be fine, don't worry so much about it. Just be honest, don't hide the truth and don't beat around the bush. She still loves you and you still love her, you'll figure it out somehow.'
'But we're so… different. We always have been. He was right you know, Zechs said I'd never really understand and he was right. I don't know, Duo, maybe we weren't meant to be together, how could we, we're nothing alike.'
'Don't beat yourself up about it, Hil and I managed, you'll manage too.'
'Hilde's different, she was a soldier, she understands that, understands you because of it. Relena… she never had that, never lived our lives. With you it's not so hard, you know me, you know what I'm thinking, how I think, you understand where I'm coming from. With her, I just don't think…'
'Heero, you're just nervous, that's all. Give her a chance, let her decide what she wants to do. Just talk to her, she's grown up a lot since you've been gone. She understands a lot more than you give her credit for.'
The conversation went on from there but I didn't stick around for the rest of it. I hadn't realized how much his upcoming reunion with mom would affect him. He sounded so nervous, so unsure. I knew mom still loved him, he just need to have it reinforced…
…I led her to the back of the house and told her there was a surprise waiting for her at the gazebo. She found it odd that I wouldn't go with her but I insisted, so she went on alone. The minute she hit the lawn, I ran to my bedroom window, from there I'd get just a glimpse of the opening in the hedge that surrounded the little structure. Dad said he'd know when she was coming and I wanted to see if I could catch her reaction, gage her mood by the look on her face. She was just a few meters short of the opening when he stepped into view, his look was solemn, contrite. He uttered one word, her name I guessed. I said her name out loud concentrating on the movement of my lips, definitely, he'd said her name. She stopped short and appeared to be staring at him. Unfortunately, I couldn't get a good look at her face, I couldn't tell if they were just staring at each other or she was talking. Then he nodded once and stepped back, almost out of view, but I saw him motion towards the gazebo with his arm; she nodded and followed his lead. At least they were going to talk…
06.21.AC217
…mom's farewell party was very nice. I had honestly expected a much larger crowd, but dad explained that a quiet dinner with the office staff was all she would agree to. Her secretary had rented a private room at this nice Italian place just outside the commerce park, apparently they catered to business affairs. There were heartfelt words of gratitude and praise from the people she'd worked with for years. A few of her peers tearfully shared stories of late nights and long hours, working toward the resolution of some small crisis or another. Others read letters of praise and 'well wishes' from absent peers throughout the Diplomatic Corps. At the end of it all mom thanked everyone for their years of hard work, for their dedication to their profession, for their love and support, and assured them that she felt secure in the knowledge that the fate of the universe lay in capable hands. She then turned her gaze to dad and said she had a new mission in life, one that she'd waited too long to complete. One that she would spend the balance of her years working on.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house when she was done. Dad and I included…
05.22.AC218
…We're almost done packing their things and their departure is still more than a week away. I thought I would be more anxious about this, I thought I'd feel some jealousy or a sense loss. But as the days pass since their announcement two months ago, I find that my happiness only grows over their decision to move into Trowa's house on the Iberian Peninsula. This is what's right for them. They need this change, to get away from this house and the pressures that continually intrude. Since resigning her post almost a year ago, mom's former coworkers have often called to consult her on some issue or another. She's been asked to attend several events, not because she is the only one capable of speaking at these things, but because it's widely know that she still resides here "on the Peacecraft Estate", she is still looked upon as a de facto leader, a symbol, a former Vice-Foreign Minister, a respected diplomat. She is still THE Relena Peacecraft.
And that's another thing that will change. She won't be Relena Peacecraft for much longer, she'll be Relena Yuy. They're getting married, here at the house, the day before they leave. It's funny but I'd just kind of forgotten that part, them not being married. Not that it matters to me; they're my parents, I love them, they love me and each other. But they decided that they'd put it off long enough. It'll be just the three of us, Mill, Lu and the kids. They didn't want anyone to make a big deal of it, they're not even telling their friends until it's over and done with. Mom says they've had enough ceremonies and fancy to-dos to last them a lifetime, she just needs her family and her privacy now…
02.12.AC219
…They are NOT very happy with me right now. I called them last night to say I needed to move up the visit I had planned for this summer because it would conflict with something new on my schedule. When I told dad EXACTLY why he almost had a cow! He kept going on and on about how lots of people joined Preventers with the intention of taking a desk job but that sooner or later memories of the adrenaline-related excitement of agent training reared its ugly head and suddenly you were putting in for a field transfer. I tried to convince him that I REALLY had no intention of working in the field, I am a linguist after all. Sports, or any other kind of physical exertion, was NEVER my thing, but he wouldn't listen. He kept repeating how dangerous it was and that everyone would expect it of me, what with my family being who they were (he must've meant him, Uncle Mill and Aunt Lu – cause they sure wouldn't expect it of me because of mom), and that I would begin to believe that I should be in the field, and blah, blah, blah… God I thought he'd never stop, when suddenly he says 'hold on'. I heard him put the phone down and say to mom, 'talk to your daughter, convince her this is a bad idea, she gets her stubbornness from you – debate until you change her mind, I'm going to email Chang.'
I couldn't believe him, he thought he could just email Wufei and that would change things. What did he think? That I was 12 years old or something and he could send a note to the teacher to keep me from going on a field trip. Jeez. And then mom, all I could hear were her footsteps approaching and the tail end of her mumbling something that sounded very much like, '…missing for 15 years and I'm the stubborn one?' Of course, as soon as she picked up the phone she proceeded to try to convince me that he was right.
In the end nothing changed. I'm still joining the Preventers, and like every other incoming hopeful I have to take the required agent training – which includes classroom time, to learn procedures and regulations, and field training in the event of an emergency situation. Then if I pass the tests, I'm going to sit behind a desk, or a computer, whatever the case may be. I'd spoken to a recruiter who'd been on campus for the Career Planning fair and was surprised to find out just how many desk jobs the Preventers have and how they were in serious need of various 'non-combative' positions. It seems that more than 60% of their positions involve no field work at all and they pay surprisingly well. I won't even be working at the base, the headquarters, I'll be in a building downtown…
First Journal entry of Helena Yuy Faroq.
March 20, AC226
I have just recently read my previous journal entries, a journal that I stopped keeping in AC219. Only seven years have passed but many things have happened since then. I start my new journal entries by reviewing that which has transpired. I will not go into all the details of all the minutia that has taken place. Many important things that have happened need only be mentioned in passing, as they really do not need much explaining, like the fact that on September 19th, AC221 I married Michael Faroq, the only man I have ever loved aside from my father and my uncles.
In this first journal entry I will briefly describe some of the more important events that took place since the last entry I made on February 12th, AC219, immediately before joining the Preventers Agent Training Program.
In the months that I spent in training I ran into many of my family's old friends. While Wufei was no longer an instructor, he was still the director of the department so I saw him regularly and the Lady was a frequent enough visitor to the training facility. While they both deny it, I believe dad put them up to keeping an eye on me. Lady's frequent visits did allow me to get to know her better and I came to learn that many of the beliefs I'd held about my father's involvement in the Preventers were wrong. Something that came as quite a shock to me.
Ever since Duo had told me that dad had come to earth with the intention of getting on mom's security team, I had just assumed that's what had happened. I was quite shocked to find out that it couldn't have been farther from the truth. Apparently dad's interest in mom was the reason that Lady had denied him a position on her security team believing it could be a conflict. Because he, like the other former pilots, had 'special skills', he'd been offered a high ranking, full time position in the Agent Training Program and a reserve position with Special Ops. Dad had been one of the lead instructors for the field agent candidates. Both he and Wufei were responsible for picking the cream of the crop from every graduating class and offering them the opportunity to try for Special Ops, which entailed an additional six months of intensive training.
I learned from Lady that had he been on mom's security team, dad never would have been eligible for the missions, which occasionally took him away from home. She admitted to me that after he'd disappeared at the end of his last fateful mission, she'd often second guessed her decision.
I also learned from Lady many details of the mission that would so affect our lives. I learned that the body count had been higher than what he'd believed, and the additional casualties were not his fault. They'd imprisoned and killed innocents, a wife and a son; they'd wiped out a whole family in one fell swoop. Dad was right to fear those people, I'm sure they would have followed through on their threats to him. He very well may have saved the lives of many more people by eliminating them when he did. They were more than mere criminals, more than just gun runners, more than just murderers; they were really and truly monsters.
Dad and Trowa just left yesterday, they've been here for almost a month. Ever since Trowa moved into the house in Iberia, two months after mom died, they've spent most of their time together. We were all so worried at first, dad seemed to have lost the desire to live when he lost mom. Nothing any of us said could shake him from his depression. I really thought I would lose him again. He refused to stay with me any longer than was necessary to handle mom's affairs. The last thing he said to me before leaving was that he needed to be alone with his thoughts and come to grips with what had happened. Of course it had been a shock to everyone and we were all reeling from the suddenness of her death. No one can truly prepare for the death of a loved one, but when it is so unexpected and ultimately senseless, it is even worse for the survivors. My mother, just days short of turning 42, was hit and killed by a drunk driver.
Duo went home with Hilde after the service, but he kept trying to reach out to dad. After two weeks passed where dad refused to answer any form of communication, Duo followed him to Iberia to try to bring him around. When his repeated efforts failed, we turned to Trowa.
In the time he had been here to pay his respects Trowa had confided in me that he knew, personally, what dad was going through. He too had lost someone he cared very deeply for in a similarly unexpected way. Apparently it was not common knowledge but he'd found his one true love when I was around five years old. They had quietly lived and worked together at the circus for about a year and had planned to marry; they kept putting it off, because they believed there was no need to rush. One ordinary day, she made an ordinary trip to the market and was killed in an attempted robbery. Another innocent bystander brought down by random violence. He firmly believed that he could help dad through this rough period.
In the end it took what seemed like forever. Trowa spent countless weeks trying to draw dad from his misery. Some of it active, some of it passive. He later told me that the nights were the worst of it. Dad wouldn't sleep, he'd walk the house or walk the shoreline; a restless animal in an invisible cage. His moods swung from silent retrospection to outrageous vocal anger; often berating Trowa for his continued presence or threatening to leave himself. I'm must say, I'm glad he never followed up on that threat. Eventually the poisonous anger began to bleed out but he remained unresponsive. Trowa told of countless days where dad would sit by a window or lie listlessly in bed, all the while staring into nothingness.
It was on one such day in early February that Trowa, who was almost at wit's end, took decisive action. After clearing another tray of untouched food, he returned to dad's side and stared out at the waves on the beach. He shared with dad the story of his girl, his love, and how he'd wrestled with the pain and loneliness after her loss. He spoke of anger, sadness and fear. He spoke of the compassion shared by his sister and friends, of the consoling words and actions that allowed him to overcome his despair. All throughout dad said nothing and Trowa feared that he hadn't reached him, feared that there was no hope. He feared that he too had failed. Finally after a long silence dad responded, but it was no more than what the tall man had heard over and over during his stay. She was gone and it hurt too much to go on.
Trowa tried for a while to reason with him, to show him that there was much still worth living for, that he had friends who would help him through, and a daughter who needed him too. But frustration grew with every despondent response and eventually it turned to anger. In a moment of desperation Trowa lashed out with the one thing that would cut his friend to the core. He reminded dad that by leaving all those years ago he'd done far worse than dying. Unlike mom, dad had chosen to leave us behind, never looking back and never explaining why. He berated dad for giving up and asked how he dared 'lay down and die' when mom had found the strength to continue. The frustration that had turned to anger was back and it brought hurt and disgust upon its return. 'You chose to hurt them and they chose to rise above it and eventually to forgive you. How could you be so selfish, how could you leave Helena again when she's just lost her mother. You owe it to both of them to be strong, but most of all you owe it to Relena. She believed in you Heero, don't let her down now.' With those final words to my father he turned and left the house. It was late at night when Trowa finally returned and found that my dad had gone back to his room. He went to bed that night believing that it was a hopeless cause. Fortunately he was wrong.
Soon after that day the healing began. Through their shared pain Trowa helped dad come to terms with the mom's death, together they achieved a sense peace and stability. It was towards the end of February that they decided to continue living together, to support each other in the years to come. Their friendship and their shared pasts would be the pivot to their futures.
I still see dad every few months in person, he comes to visit, sometimes by himself, but mostly accompanied by Trowa. They run a boat charter when it suits them – which is mostly in the summer months – but close shop whenever the mood moves them, partly because Trowa loves to travel. I guess when you've spent most of your life moving from place to place, it's a little hard to truly settle down. Carefree bachelors, that's what they say they are now. Both had a single love in their lives and that person is no longer there. They live in companionable friendship and claim they will continue to do so until they die. I hope it's many years yet, I'd hate to think that I'd lose one of them too soon.
They remind me of those old men you see at the elderly folks homes and in those retirement communities, the kind that are never alone. The ones whose names are always mentioned in pairs, Charlie and Rob, Joe and Tom, Gabe and Sam. The kind of men that were friends since childhood, who attended school together and played on the same teams, whose families vacationed together. They are men who double-dated on the night of their prom, grew up, married their sweethearts and moved within a mile of each other, men who then raised their own families together. The kind that share so many common memories, of golf days and fishing trips, of fortieth birthdays and fortieth anniversaries, who always seem to break a period of silence with the words 'you remember that day we…'. Men who have a bond that no tragedy can try and no loss could break. Heero and Trowa. People would refer to them as that in the years to come, their close friends already did. My own husband no longer distinguished between the two, 'Trowa and your dad called…' , 'Where are they off to now…', 'The old men said they'd be here in a week…'. Old men. Barely 46 years old and we consider them old men. Surely the life they've led is full enough to warrant the statement; many men much older than them have hardly accomplished a portion of what they have.
I miss mom terribly, especially at times like these, and I know dad does too. He truly regrets the years he wasted being away from her; but it's too late to change that, so it serves no purpose dwelling on it. At least they got to spend the last few years of her life together. They were beautiful together, he was so gentle with her, I could see why she never stopped loving him. It's so sad that she never got a chance to meet her grandchildren, so sad that that her time was cut short. But that's life and so we move on.
Heero, my son Heero Maxwell, has a lot of my mom in him. I'm sure Michael's genes helped bring out the blond in him but the blue eyes are like hers, not at all like mine or Michael's. His personality is very much like I've heard mom described in her youth. At the ripe old age of two-and-a-half he has been described as gentle, unassuming, idealistic, caring, naïve; but also headstrong, stubborn and tenacious as a junkyard dog. Apparently the Peacecrafts have very strong personality genes as these things can also be said of my uncle and my cousins.
It makes me wonder how our second child will turn out. Leila Relena Faroq, who is to be named after Michael's aunt and my mother, is due any day now. It is because of her that I have found myself reading over both mine and my mother's old journals and starting a new one for myself. My children will not know their maternal grandmother and that is a true shame. She was a strong and worthwhile person. She instilled in me a great sense of self-reliance, of independence, she taught me what strength of character is. I want my daughter to know that which I learned from my mother. I want her to understand that no matter how 'easy' someone's life might seem or how happy they might be, that there is still room for tragedy and pain. How you live your life has a lot to do with how you handle tragedy or loss.
Some people never overcome their losses, some become stronger for it.
~ End Epilogue. End journey. ~
That's it ladies & gentlemen, this story has now officially come to an end. Thank you for your encouragement and support, and for sticking with me through the long quiet periods with no updates.
Special thanks again go to DruidKeep, my first and most enthusiastic reviewer, 'My Reader'. Thanks again for being honest in your comments (on this and other things), for keeping me in line, and for always climbing out of the woodwork to nudge me back into action. Stay in touch, my friend.
Special thanks to you too, Faya, for reading these things over for me, for sitting in the kitchen with me and talking through the sticky plot points, and for leaving me little notes *in* my computer. A lot of her comes from you, but you're much cooler than Helena!
Take care everybody, ja ne!
BadMomma.
