Chapter 4 – I Wanted So Much

Rory's POV

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls or anything in it, as you all know. Any book references belong to the authors/publishers of the books, not me.

A/N: Okay, here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. I know Jess might seem a little out of character crying and everything, but I wanted to write him this way for later in the story. I hope he still seems like Jess. You know what I mean? Thanks for reading this, and please review! Thanks SO much to everyone for all the great reviews!!  ~Arianna

I had entirely meant what I'd said. Jess was smart. And he really could do anything. But the look on his face—I'd seen the pain in his eyes, right before he left— I got up to look for him, as quickly as I could.

He was just in the other room, sitting on the couch there, shaking, his face in his hands. I knew he was crying. I also knew he didn't want me to see him cry.

I sat down next to him. He wiped his eyes quickly.

"Jess…"

"I'm fine."

"I know you better than that!" Jess never cried. I put my arm around him.

"Rory, I'm okay!"

"Jess," I said softly. "It's okay." Jess wiped his eyes again and looked at me.

"I'm 'the rebel' of Stars Hollow. I'm not supposed to cry."

"I won't tell anyone," I promised. Jess smiled slightly.

"Thanks."

"Want to talk?"

"Are you gonna make me?"

"No. But I am gonna make you study."

"I'll talk."

"Okay. Tell me what I said…"

"It wasn't you." That I was kind of glad of. I didn't want to hurt Jess. I cared about him. Now I knew it.

"So what's wrong?"

"When I was a kid, back in New York…I…wanted to be like you, Rory. What I mean is…" Jess stopped. I couldn't believe what he'd just said.  "This is really hard to admit."

"I understand. Hey, we can talk some other time. Get your math books!" Now I was grinning. Jess did too.

"Oh, bossy." I laughed.

"Did you get it all?"

"I did pretty well, considering the amount of time I've been in school the past few weeks." He leaned over and showed it to me.

"Yeah, you did." I paused, then continued, needing to know the answer to what I was about to ask. "Jess, are you okay?"

"Oh yeah. I just lost control there, remembering…I haven't cried in…years."

"Okay."

"Rory, where is Dean right now?" Why are you asking me that? Can't you see it hurts?

"Jess, don't do this."

"I want to know. Does 'anyone' apply to your boyfriend?" My boyfriend…but is he really? I saw a flash of pain in his eyes again. Did he really think I would tell Dean something he didn't want me to? I wasn't like that. Jess knew me well enough to know that, didn't he?

I stared at Jess for a second. "You really think I would do that to you?" I felt awful. Was that why Jess wouldn't talk to me? Because he thought I would tell Dean what he said?

"Rory—" Why was he doing this? "No, I don't…" He didn't, really? How did I know that?

"Didn't you say you had to go help Luke?"

"Rory, I—"

"He's probably waiting."

"Fine, I'll go!" He was mad. He wanted me to listen. Maybe I should have. I hadn't meant to yell like that. I just thought…I thought he trusted me. After he left, I walked to the bridge, made sure Jess wasn't there, sat down and cried. I hoped no one would find me.

I heard footsteps after a few minutes.

"Hey." I didn't answer. Jess came over to sit next to me. "Listen, Rory…I didn't mean that."

"Really didn't?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"I would never tell anyone anything you said!"

"I know." We were both silent for a while. "Rory, something's wrong, isn't it?"

"It's Dean," I said. I decided to tell Jess—he would find out soon enough. And I didn't think he would tell anyone. I didn't want to talk to my mom first, because then I would probably get a lecture about Jess…I'd tell her later. "He didn't do anything…But things aren't the same anymore. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know if…" I started crying.

Jess hesitantly put his arm around me, and I put my head on his shoulder. "Thanks," I said quietly.