FOREVER

FOREVER

Year Four

Part Three

Subtitled: Hanging by a moment

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely Incomplete
I'll take your invitation
you take all of me
now I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
There is nothing else to lose
There is nothing else to find
There is nothing in the world
that could change my mind
There is nothing else...
desperate for changing
starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you...


A/N - Thanks to: Bryn, Meg, Ali, The Real Baka,

Arwen- Wow, Thanks A LOT! I hope they accept you in Elfwood! I'm applying for high school next year so I can relate! Are you nervous about it? I'd love to read some of the things you write. For reviewing!

Whatever healing Lily and Anna had over gone after the death of their best friend deteriorated further October 7. In September they had been betrayed again and Lily had yet to forgive herself for not noticing. As a result she pretended like nothing had happened. She really was a quite talented actress and fooled most people.

James, on the other hand, wasn't fooled or amused. He became brooding and angry and was quite certain that it was his entire fault. If he had there they wouldn't have been killed, if he hadn't taken that drink from Annabelle than Lily would be normal and so on. Because of this he stayed away from Lily, laboring on some disillusion of failing her. This made Lily even more insecure, since she was sure it was her fault he was pushing away and joined three clubs in response. Ironically enough, the drama club was one of them. What Lily didn't know was that in addition to his other worries he was really worried about the way Lily dealt with her grief and her new found personality. It was so out of character for her that he wondered if things would ever be the same again.

Sirius never dealt well with serious emotions and instead of being there for his friends, he increased his number of girls a week substantially. Not to mention he achieved new heights with them. This was alarming to many people since he was only fourteen, but then guilt is a very powerful emotion and can motivate you to do some terrible things. Feeling ever-weighing grief was not helping the situation nor was the owls he received from his mum telling him to help James get his act together.

Whenever Anna felt anything intense she withdrew. Her silence, although just as pronounced, was not an angry one like James. Her's was more like a sad lost one. She was a sad puppy, lost in her own world and unable to respond to anything. Her grades did improve quite a bit though. Unknown to her friends was another emotion she was harboring that did nothing to distill her grief, especially in light of Sirius' recent behavior.

Peter, although he should feel guilty since Tina and Eric died at his house, was basically the same.

Remus wasn't really sure how to react. Of course he missed Tina, obviously not as much as Lily or Anna, but he missed her. He also felt guilty. Not for Tina's death but for the fact he couldn't help his friends. He knew James and Lily needed to talk the most since they were also now orphans in addition to minus one great friend. Every time he approached Lily she acted as though she had no idea what he was going on about and swiftly changed the subject to decorations for the Halloween dance or such. James was even worse. Mostly he didn't answer at all and that was on the lucky occasions he even acknowledged Remus' presence. The only conclusion he could come to was that this was one straw to many for him. He also stressed a lot about the growing distance between Lily and James. They were barely talking. That was saying something since Lily was talking A LOT more these days.

Annabelle had been moved to another house since she confessed and was allowed to stay on probation. Adam refused to admit anything and was expelled accordingly. Needless to say the friends were no longer a "group"; they were separate people who shared a dorm and were having major self-blame and miscommunication problems. Not to mention numerous misunderstandings.

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"So then Katie said that Mark likes her." The group erupted in giggles.

"He does?" Lessie asked Lily. Lily nodded enthusiastically. "I always thought so! Didn't I Roslyn?" Lessie turned to Roslyn who quickly agreed. Suddenly Lily felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Lily, can we talk for a sec?" James asked looking quite serious. She smiled.

"Sure. Here?" He shook his had and led her down the hall. Grasping her hand he pulled her through the wall into their "room". Her friends had found it and decorated it two years ago for her twelfth birthday. When they were both all the way in he turned to her.

"What is up with you lately?" He asked a little roughly.

"What do you mean by that?" Her tone was more than a little defensive.

"I mean you acting like nothing ever happened. You were gossiping for crying out loud! What would Tina say? Don't you even miss her?" James' accusations stung her so that she missed the desperate look in his eyes. Lily pulled away.

"Of course I miss. Don't you EVER suggest otherwise! You can't begin to understand what I'm going through!" She shouted in an unusual display of emotion. Her voice shook with unreleased fury. James was unperturbed.

"Can't I? My parents died too, you know." He said coolly. "You're not the only one hurting. We all are. If you'd just give me a chance…"

"But did Sirius die? Or Remus? As for the hurting part, you're not dealing with it any better than I am. Moping around everywhere!" She said bitterly. "Just leave me alone okay?" She sat heavily on the chair nearest to her.

"Not until you tell me what's going on." His sentence hung in the air for a full minute. "I want to help you but I can't until you tell me what's going on Lily! The truth." Silence. "Lily's something's got to give, to change." Silence. "Talk to me!" James begged. Lily glanced at her watch. I have to go James I'll talk to you later. And she was gone.

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October 7th

The day dawned much like any other in October. Pale sunlight trickled in through the window. Lily awoke abruptly. She cautiously checked to see if any of her dorm mates were awake. Unfortunately Katie was. With a silent sigh she pasted on a rather convincing smile.

"Morning Kate." She said cheerfully. Katie looked at her uncertainly.

"Morning." She said rather stiffly, still gazing at her strangely.

"What's up with you?" Lily asked in an amused voice.

"Itlsajdfucxvnmh." Katie muttered dropping her gaze to the floor.

"What?" Lily giggled.

"Its October 7th." She said quietly. Lily stopped in mid-giggle.

"I see." She said quietly. After a moment she collected herself though. "Wow I better get downstairs before all the bagels are taken." Assuming her ever-present smile. Her eyes were filled with tears, though Katie noted.

"But its Saturday, they always refill on weekends." Katie called after her.

"You can never be too sure." She said and was gone. Katie quickly got dressed too. She didn't want to be the one to tell Anna what the date was too.

From her spot in the corner, Lily saw Katie bolt out of the common room. Not five minutes later Lessie bounded after her and Anna walked in her steady but joyless stride out of the door five minutes after her. Sighing with relief, Lily got up and surveyed the room. She was alone. As soon as she was sure that no one else joined her, her smile dropped. With leaden steps she climbed the steps to her dorm. Her breathing had become irregular and pulled her trunk out from under her bed. Each movement becoming more desperate, she pulled out her scrapbook. Inside was the holo-picture her friends had given her for her birthday in her first year. Although her face was slowly becoming increasingly expressive it wasn't until she found a note Tina had written to her that the tears started to flow.

"Happy Birthday to you." She sang at Tina's picture. "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Tina. Happy Birthday to you." Tears were silently flowing down her cheeks and before long all the grief that had built up exploded in uncontrollable sobs. She didn't know how long she had lain there. She didn't particularly care. Suddenly the door burst open.

"Anna this is going to far we have to…" Remus said loudly, with James and Sirius in tow. The sight he saw rather unnerved him and he turned to Sirius.

"Anna obviously isn't here." He said. Sirius nodded and started to leave. "Not so fast, go find Anna we all have to talk. James…" He turned to James only to see that he had already gone to Lily. Remus walked quietly over and pried the scrapbook from her hands.

Lily-

I'm so sorry. I know friends are not supposed to lie to each other or tell secrets, but we found out that is IMPOSSIBLE! We've all slipped things. I guess what I mean to say is that a real friend can tell each other the truth and you have done it so many times. I know no one tries harder than you do and I'm really sorry. Forgive me?

Underline one

Yes No

"I was so stupid! So stupid! Why couldn't I forgive her? Why couldn't I see? If I had only known! I lost at least a month with her because of that stupid note! I don't even know why I kept it! I was the stupidest first year ever!" Lily sobbed. James had listen closely to make out just what she was saying. Anna walked in just then, only to see Lily crying. That was a bit of a shock since Lily had pretended that Tina wasn't even gone.

"She's not coming back Anna, not ever! And there's nothing I can do about it!" Anna just stared at this outburst. "It's never going to be the same, ever. It is NEVER going to be the three of us ever again, and I'm scared." Suddenly Anna too burst into tears. The boys all gazed at this episode rather unsure. James was rubbing Lily's back and Anna was all alone on the floor. Remus and Sirius exchanged looks; Sirius went to Anna since he had the most experience with girls although he was still le awkward. When Lily had mostly gotten herself under control she went into the bathroom to clean up and Anna followed. Both had eyes as red as roses and dark circles underneath. When they were gone, James looked so angry he could burst. He turned to his friends.

"He's going to pay!" He said his voice although low, shook from cold, hard fury. Sirius and Remus exchanged alarmed looks. They had seen Sirius mad on many occasions but never James and never this mad.

"James." Remus said warningly.

"This has gone to far, he has gone too far." James continued.

"Don't do anything you'll regret." Remus said.

"Tonight, I'm going to get him. Tonight." He repeated more to himself than anyone else. Sirius looked up alarmed.

"Oh no you don't." Sirius said.

"This isn't your fight, Sirius. Stay out of it." James glared at his friend.

"Oh and its yours? You're fourteen James, you can't take on a full grown wizard, especially not a dark wizard." Remus cautioned.

"I'll figure something out." He said coolly.

"James, this isn't Sanpe we're talking about! This is a person who has killed adult wizards all over the world by the dozens. He won't hesitate to kill you too." Remus was becoming desperate. "He killed you parents, James." This had the opposite effect he had hoped.

"All the more reason." Said James, his fists clenched. " Did you see what that bastard's done to Lily?" Suddenly it hit Sirius, Lily! That was the only thing that could make James stay.

"And what if something happens to you? Lily's holding on to a thread and that's you. She has nothing to live for except you. If something happens to you, and it surely will, she'll fall apart, and you know it." Sirius said, his resolve as strong as James'. Remus saw where Sirius was going and caught on.

"Would you do that to Lily? Would you be responsible for hurting her? You have to stay, even if it's just for Lily." Remus' voice grew steadier with each word. He hated playing hid friend like a sap, but all's fair in war. James looked at each of his friends who wore identical expressions and then to the bathroom door. He was silent for awhile before nodding. "Not today and not tomorrow, but someday I'll get him." James said with an intensity that sent shivers down Sirius' and Remus' backs.

"I don't doubt it." Remus muttered. Just then the girls walked in. Although their eyes were still red, they did look better.

"Hey." Anna said quietly, seating herself Indian style across from the boys. Lily sat down next to her and drew her knees into her own embrace.

"So." Sirius said, visibly awkward. Lily nodded her head.

"So." They lapsed into silence, each one painfully aware that they would rather be somewhere else, anywhere else.

"This is ridiculous!" Remus spoke up so suddenly it made Lily jump. "We have to talk eventually, you know." Everyone avoided his gaze. "Lily." Her eyes shot up. "You can't pretend like nothing ever happened anymore. "

"I never…"She began.

"And you Anna, you can't shut out the world and create an existence of self-pity!" Anna became further interested in the floor.

"Why not Remus? She's awful good at it!" Sirius cracked up at his own joke. Remus glared at him.

"Oh and you Sirius! Taken an active interest in our female classmates lately, eh?" His voice dripped with sarcasm.

"And what if I have?" Sirius said nonchalantly shrugging it off. "You're just jealous but you needn't be, there is this really hot blond I have for…"

"I'll come back to you." Remus said swiftly cutting him off.

"I guess that leaves me." James stiffly.

"I guess that does. " Remus said sharply. "You need to stop planning vicious revenge plots! You need to calm down to stop being so god damn angry." James said nothing. "Please, someone respond to me!'' They lapsed into silence again.

"Lily, want to take a walk?" James asked suddenly. Lily hesitated for a minute before nodding her head. They walked slowly out the door.

"I miss her." Lily finally said. "And I hate her for leaving us. I hate him for killing her. I hate…"

"Whoa, wait a second you're talking in pronouns again. Who do you hate?" Lily waved her hand impatiently.

"I hate Tina for leaving. I hate my parents for leaving. They didn't even try to stop him, James. I heard Petunia, they didn't even try!" She shook her head as though to destroy some bad picture.

"Hold on!" James grabbed her arms and shook her. "Lily your parents are muggles they couldn't have fought back. This wasn't their fault."

"Your parents aren't muggles why didn't they survive then." She replied scathingly. Suddenly her eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh James, I didn't mean it… I was caught up in the moment…I…" She gasped. James shook his head.

"No, it's alright. Why indeed?" They both stared out of the window.

"See that's progress!" Remus exclaimed some minutes later, as he heard James erupt in laughter from outside of the door.

"Remus, you're scaring me!" Sirius said in mock fright. Remus glared at him.

"What about you Anna? Do you miss her?" He prodded gently. Anna looked up in surprise.

"Of course, don't you?" Everyone nodded.

"Do you hate Voldemort Anna?" Sirius asked suddenly. Anna hugged her knees tighter and took a deep breath. Remus looked at Sirius sharply.

"I don't like where this is going…" Remus said warningly.

"Anna?" Sirius prompted, ignoring Remus.

"I don't know what I think. I… I'm scared, I know that. I… I just want him to go away. I don't know what he wants." She said distractedly as though trying to understand her own thoughts. "I'm scared." She repeated her voice small and far away. Suddenly there was a beep from the clock on Lily's dresser. Suddenly Lily bounded in the room grinning with James hot on her tail.

She said. "I've got to go. I have Herbology Club in five minutes." Anna looked up abruptly and smiled.

"Herbology Club?" Anna asked with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Lily asked innocently, gathering her stuff. "What's that look?"

"You HATE Herbology! You're failing the class!" Anna giggled. Lily shrugged embarrassed.

"It was the only club on Saturdays and I really needed to join something." James started laughing.

"Lil, we really have to get you a life!" He said shaking his head. Lily laughed and ran out of the room.

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The friends never spoke of that day, Tina's Birthday, again. Slowly things began to return to normal. As Halloween approached, Lily was stressed beyond reasonability. The dance was coming up quickly and as a member of the committee; Lily was running around like crazy to get everything ready on time. More than once Lily had to leave a date with James early because some "emergency" or another came up with food, decorations, or something else. Although, even James had to admit that he had never seen Lily so energized and she hadn't been so happy in a long time. Her packed schedule also stopped her from thinking about her parents or Tina. The day before Halloween was a Hogsmade day. Anna, for one, was glad for the escape. Although the day was cold and decidedly gross, Anna jumped out of bed with a smile. She stretched and shook Lily awake.

"LILS! Get up! Hogsmade Day!" Lily groggily opened her eyes.

"I thought I said blue ghosts!" She said as though scolding Anna.

"OK you definitely need to get away from that dance." Anna muttered shaking her head. Lily sat up quickly.

"The dance." She gasped. "I have to go, they'll need my help." She started to head to the door. Anna grabbed her hand and swung her around.

"Whoa, hold on a sec there dancing queen. We're going to Hogsmade today, remember?" She looked at Lily meaningfully. Lily looked back at her blankly. "To get dresses." Anna prompted. Lily looked confused.

"Dresses?" She asked. "Oh, OH for the dance." She said slowly with realization. Anna laughed.

"Yeah, for the dance! Come on get dressed, I'm leaving in five minutes." Anna shook her head as Lily ran off into the bathroom. She turned to her closet.

"Hmm, what should I wear?" She said to herself and sifted through her robes. After a rather large pile had acclimated on the floor she finally decided to wear her school robes. Lily walked in and her surveyed her friend with amusement.

"Having trouble?" She asked not bothering to hide her amusement. Anna glared at her.

"I don't know what to wear." She said sullenly staring at her pile of clothes.

"Will you kill me if I ask why it matters?" She asked with a wicked gleam in her eyes. Anna turned back to her clothes and started to put it away.

"Yes." She said avoiding Lily's eyes.

"Is there a particular person you are trying to impress?" Lily wheedled, stooping to help with the robes.

"Uh." Anna said trying to decide what she could say to diffuse the situation.

"Well?" Lily's smile grew larger with every second.

"Sirius Black." Anna muttered, as she made her bed. Lily just stared at her.

"What?" Lily's smile immediately fell. "Oh Anna, are you sure…" She stopped herself. "How long?" Lily asked quietly.

"Long." Anna moved to the mirror to do her hair.

"Why… why didn't you tell me?" Lily sat on the bed and looked at Anna expectantly.

"What was I going to say? Oh Lily great dress. By the way I'm madly in love with your boyfriend's best friend?" Anna gave a bitter laugh. "Besides you know the way Sirius is, especially lately." Lily nodded solemnly.

"Yeah I know how Sirius is." She sighed, ran a hand tiredly through her hair. "Look, Anna, it's just a stage. He'll grow out of it." Lily said trying to be comforting. Anna turned around and put on her shoes.

"Yeah, sure. Let's go OK?" Although Anna wore a brave face, Lily could see tears in her eyes.

"Come on!" Lily linked arms with her. "I tell James to go off on his own. Today's a girl's day. We'll shop 'til we drop." Lily smiled at her.

"Or run out of money." Anna added thoughtfully. Lily laughed.

"Yeah. That too."

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"The girls are going to Hogsmade." James announced to his three best friends.

"Without us?" Remus put on a hurt face. He turned to Sirius and punched him on the shoulder. "What did you do this time?" Sirius looked shocked.

"Me? Why is it always me?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"So what are we going to do?" Peter asked from under the bed as he fished out his shoe. "I found it!" He said triumphantly and pointed to his sneaker.

"Great Pete." Sirius said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Let's work on the Animagus Potion." James gripped his chest and strutted backwards dramatically.

Dare I believe that Sirius black has a good suggestion?" He asked dramatically. Sirius glared at him and threw a pillow at his head.

"Oh shut up you Pratt." Remus rolled his eyes and turned to Peter.

"It's going to be a LONG day!" He said with a sigh. Sirius and James exchanged looks and with barely contained laughter they bombarded Remus with pillows.

"WAR!" Remus called and retaliated from his base behind his bed.

"Hey! NO MAGIC JAMES!" Remus roared.

"Cheater!" Peter agreed. Professor McGonagall rubbed her head to relieve the headache their screaming was causing. Why aren't they in Hogsmade like the rest of the school? She wondered vaguely as she turned to Dumbledore.

"What do you think?" She asked Dumbledore. He shook his head.

"Let them be." He said tiredly. "They won't be children forever." McGonagall nodded.

"Lord knows there'll be time enough for them to be grown up."

A/N - Okay I know this one was a little weird but I had to have a chapter or two of them recovering before it gets fun again otherwise it wouldn't be realistic.

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