TOA The Lesbian Wedding

Hmm…looks like I stirred up some controversy last chapter. Well, not really, but u know what I mean. For the record, I love Chandler! I think he's soooo much hotter than Van Damme! Especially back in 2nd season…*stares off into space* Ooo…sorry, anyway, this chapter's gonna be all my own stuff. No plot stealing here. Alrighty then, please read and review!

Disclaimer: I definitely don't own any of these characters.

Joey entered Monica and Rachel's apartment, humming, and going through his mail. The rest of the gang was gathered in the kitchen.

"Since when do you get the mail?" Chandler wondered.

"Since we got these!" Joey held out a coupon to Chandler.

"Buy one pizza, get the second half off?"

"Yeah! And look, I collected them from all of our neighbors!" Joey took out a pile of coupons from his coat pocket.

"Oh so now you can get a stomach ache for half off."

"Ya know Joey, I don't think that they'll give you that many pizzas for half off," Monica warned him.

"No, I have my ways."

"Okay."

"The rest of the mail's boring." Joey then tossed it in front of Chandler.

"Wow, thanks for your generosity."

"Now don't say I never do anything for you."

"Why would I say that?" Chandler leafed through the mail. "Junk, bill, junk, junk, bill, junk…"

"Wait, that fancy envelope's junk?" Rachel questioned.

"Uh-huh."

He threw into in the trashcan, but Monica fished it out. "It's not junk! It's an invitation to your family reunion!"

"Exactly, which is why it's junk."

"Aww, come on Chandler. You should go," Rachel tried.

The rest of the gang, aside from Joey who was dreaming about his pizzas instead of listening, agreed.

"No way."

"Why not?" Monica demanded.

"Because…it's complex."

"I think we can handle it," assured Ross.

"It's just that I'm not very close with my family."

"Well maybe that's why," Rachel observed.

"Oh come on!" Phoebe complained, "If I had a family that wasn't like all dead or people I've never been able to meet or…my sister, I would love to get to know them!"

Rachel looked at Chandler quizzically. "Wait, is this a family reunion with your father's side or mother's? I thought no one spoke to him anymore in your family."

"They don't. It's my mom's side."

"I see."

"You should go," Monica coaxed.

"No! Okay, I've gone to these reunions before and they're nothing but trouble."

"How so?"

"Well…see I have this cousin, Dave. He's the real smart, athletic, handsome type. And everyone loves him. He's also exactly two months older than me. When we were growing up, we were rivals."

"So?"

 "He always like won at everything and everyone liked him better. He was always beating me in school. And now, he's a lawyer! He has the better job, more money, better education, everything!"

"Aww, sweetie. Don't worry about him. You're doing fine, no matter what this Dave's doing."

"Well, there's something else, too."

"What?"

"I…I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on!" Phoebe whined, "Don't be a chicken. If you don't tell us, we're gonna have to call you Chandler the Chicken."

"Come on, grow u…"

Phoebe started squawking like a chicken.

He threw his hands up in resignation. "Ok, ok, stop it! I'll tell you!"

"That's three for Phoebe, zero for Chandler."

"Come on," Monica tried again, "It says you can bring a guest. I'll come with! Save you from your family of demands."

"That's okay."

"What?" Monica asked, offended, "You don't want to be seen with me?"

"Wh..wh…" Chandler stuttered.

"Good one," Joey complimented sarcastically.

"I never said that!"

"Well, you implied that."

He looked over to Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe who were all looking at him with pity.

"I didn't mean that Mon. What I meant was that I don't want to go at all."

Phoebe began to squawk again, but stopped when Monica glared at her.

He looked at her quizzically, but continued. "In college, I was dating this girl, Megan…"

"Oh I remember her!" Ross interrupted.

"Oh, ok, great!" Chandler replied sarcastically.

"What ever happened to her?"

He gave Ross an angry look. "Long story short, I took her to the family reunion and she decided she liked Dave better than me and left me."

"Aww…"

"See, that's why I don't want to take you, Mon."

"You really think I'm that shallow?"

"No, I just think girls find him that irresistible."

Monica looked him straight in the eyes. "Chandler, I'm not going to leave you for some other guy. I don't care how cute or smart your cousin is. I fell in love with you, not Dave. Now, I don't know about Megan, but I'm not going to be like her."

"I know…it's just…it's hard to believe that we're finally dating and I don't want to lose you."

"Oh, he's so sweet," Rachel commented.

Monica smiled sympathetically. "You won't lose me. I swear."

"You swear?"

"Yes, so will you go with me?"

"Okay," Chandler relented.

"Oh thank you, Chandler!" Monica said and hugged him.

"Why do you want to go so badly anyway?" Phoebe asked her.

"Because…I want Chandler to be able to reconnect with his family."

Off everyone's looks, she conceded, "Fine. Chandler's met my family, but I've never met anyone, aside from his mother!"

"There's a reason for that."

"Chandler…"

"Okay, okay, okay! But you've been warned. My family is full of freaks!"

"I see where he gets it from…" Phoebe whispered to Rachel.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

       It was the day of Chandler's family reunion. Chandler walked out of his room to find ten pizza boxes at the door with a note on them. The note said: "Chandler, take these to the garbage shoot for me. Treeger banned me for two weeks. Thanks. –Joe man."

"Joe man?" Chandler wondered while taking the pizza boxes out, "Who calls him that?"

       When Chandler got back, he went into Monica's apartment.

"Chandler?" she called from her room, "I'm almost ready."

Chandler groaned and grabbed an apple.

Monica emerged from her room in a halter-top and short black skirt.

"No way are you wearing that," Chandler said as he walked into her room.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want to seduce Dave? Is that what you're trying to do?!"

"Oh my God Chandler, breathe!"

"Sorry. Here, wear this," Chandler handed her a Knicks sweatshirt and sweatpants.

"Those are your sweats that I sleep in!"

"Perfect!"

She sighed. "Chandler, come on."

"Okay, okay."

She kissed him. "It's all going to go fine, okay?"

"But…" he began only to be cut off by another kiss.

"Let's go." 

"Fine," he relented.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

       They arrived at the party, which was held in the backyard of his mother's home.    

"Chandler!" his mother greeted and kissed him on the cheek.

"Hey mom," Chandler said monotonously.

Monica tilted her head and looked at him. He just smiled apologetically.

"Mom, you've met Monica Geller?"

"Yes, hi Monica." Nora extended her hand, "Nice to see you again."

Monica shook her outstretched hand. "Nice to see you, too, Mrs. Bing."

"Oh please, call me Nora."

Monica nodded.

"So," Nora smiled, "I've heard a lot about you, Monica."

Both Monica and Chandler blushed.

"Mom!"

"No, I wanna hear!"

Nora laughed. "Well, Chandler didn't tell me he was dating you until last week."

Monica glared at Chandler and he just shrugged.

"But he said 'mom, I have this great girlfriend. She's beautiful, and smart, and perfect'."

Monica blushed again. "He really said that?"

"Yes, he did."

Monica smiled shyly at Chandler.

He smiled back at her. "Well, it's all true."

"Aww, you two are so adorable!"

Just then a short, plump, gray-haired woman and an old, short, bold man approached Monica, Chandler, and Nora.

"Chandler!" the woman cried out, "I haven't seen you in ages!"

She kissed his cheek and Chandler tried hard not to grimace. When she turned away, Chandler wiped his cheek.

"Hi Aunt Edna!" he greeted with mock cheerfulness

Monica moved closer to him and whispered, "She got lipstick on you."

Chandler groaned. "She always does that."

"So Chandler!" his aunt continued, "We haven't seen you around here in a while. I was getting worried."

"Well, I've been pretty busy."

The old man spoke up. "I thought it was because Dave stole his girlfriend."

"Shhh…" Edna hissed, "Don't say that in front of the poor boy."

"Why? He has a girl with him!" the man pointed to Monica standing on the other side of Chandler.

"So he does! Now who is this pretty lady?"

"Aunt Edna, Uncle Tom--this is my girlfriend Monica. Monica, this is my Great Aunt Edna and Great Uncle Tom."

"Hi, nice to meet you," Monica greeted warmly.

Edna sighed and put her hand to her heart. "So much sweeter than that Megan girl. She seemed like a hooker, I'll tell you that. Now Chandler, you shouldn't be with a woman like that."

"How do you seem like a hooker?" Nora wondered.

"You should know," Edna replied bitterly.

Nora huffed and left the conversation.

"Chandler, I'm so glad you cut that hair of yours! You used to look like…my old dug muffin."

Monica laughed, but off Chandler's look, stopped laughing.

"Okay, well, Monica and I are going to get something to drink. I'll talk to you both later."

"Okay sweetheart. Oh and your cousin Dave's looking for you. You should say hello. Just keep that girl of yours away from him. We don't want a repeat of last time," she warned.

"Thank you for the advice," Chandler said, trying to hide his irritation.

As they walked away, Chandler's uncle turned towards Edna, "I thought he was gay."

Edna shrugged, "Me too."

       Monica and Chandler headed towards the bar. Chandler rubbed his temples and groaned.

"I can't believe I already have a headache."

Monica smiled apologetically and took his hand.

"They all remember about Megan, too! That was like ten years ago already!"

"I'm sorry. Come on, you can get through this."

"Yeah, yeah."

"And they like me!"

Chandler chucked, "Always competitive."

"Not competitive. Friendly. I want people to like me."

"That's not what friendly means…" he continued off of Monica's look, "Or, in your case, it does."

       Monica and Chandler got their drinks and stood together drinking them. Chandler began pointing to people and telling Monica about them.

"She," Chandler began, pointing to a couple in their mid-forties, "Is my cousin, Jane. And the man standing with her is her butler, and now lover."

Monica grimaced, "Wow, really?"

"Yeah, well she was married. Then her ex found out about the butler, and the pool boy, and the cook, too."

"Wow."

"Then, my cousin Alexander," Chandler pointed to a bolding man, "Is a con-artist."

"Woah."

"Yeah. He cons old ladies out of their money."

"Like in The Producers?"

"Eww, no! He doesn't sleep with them to get their money." Chandler paused, "Well, maybe."

"That's…"

"Told you my family's weird."

"Yeah, well I didn't know it was like a twisted, alternate universe."

"Hmm…never heard it put like that before."

       Chandler was about to point out some other people, when a handsome man in his late 20's came up to Chandler.

"Chandler, my man with the bad name!"

Chandler groaned. "Dave."

"How's it going man? Haven't seen you around here in a while. And the number business?"

"It's good."

"Heard you've been promoted."

"Yeah."

"You have walls. Good for you!" He patted Chandler hard on the back.

"Thanks…"

"Woah! Who's the pretty lady?"

Monica wrinkled her nose at him.

"That's Monica Geller."

Dave smiled charmingly. "Why hello Ms. Geller."

"Hi."

"Can I offer you a drink? Ya know, just to welcome you."

"No thanks. Chandler got me a drink."

"Okay!" Chandler said hastily, "It's been great Dave, but we should really g…"

"No, no, no! I want to get to know you and this pretty lady over here better."

"No, that's all right, really. Some other time."

"Fine, Chandler, you go…get yourself another beer. I'll keep Monica occupied."

"No that's all right," Monica assured him.

"It's no trouble," he grinned, as he looked her up and down, "Not at all."

Monica looked at him, disgusted.

"Dave, I think you should really…"

"None sense!" Dave pushed Chandler towards the bar. "See ya later man."

"Woah!" Chandler turned back angrily. "Maybe you stole my other girlfriends when we were younger, but you are NOT gonna steal Monica!"

"I never stole your girlfriends. They all just seem to…be attracted to me and my charm." He raised his eyebrows at Monica.

"Uch!" she yelled, "You're a disgusting womanizer, is what you are! Whoever is attracted to you must be insane!"

"You go girl!" a drunken man yelled. At that point, they had a semi-large audience.

Dave laughed. "Figures Chandler would date a woman who always speaks her mind."

"Yeah, I would! And it's a good thing! I love Monica for that and for many other reasons! You'll never understand that!"

"Aww…" Edna commented, as she butt into the conversation, "That's so sweet! See, Chandler is in love! When are you gonna grow up and maybe try to find that?"

"Well, I don't…" he stuttered, suddenly very aware of all the scolding eyes, "I…" Lacking anything to say, he walked away, hastily, from the gathering of people.

"See Chandler!" Monica commented when he left, I told you that you could face him."

"You're always right."

"I know!"

Chandler smiled. "I love you Monica."

"I know that, too. And I love you."

They kissed, and heard a few whispers and whistles.

Chandler broke the kiss after a few seconds. "A little privacy please?!"

Groans were heard, but the crowd began to disperse.

"That's family for ya," he commented and then kissed Monica again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

       When Monica and Chandler returned to their apartment building, and stopped at their doors.

Monica turned around and kissed him. "I'm so proud of you."

"I'm proud of me, too."

"That Dave's disgusting!"

"I know!" Chandler grinned ecstatically, "Did you see the way he didn't know what to say at end?"

"Yeah, sweetie."

"I was on fire. Maybe I should tell more people off."

 "As long as you don't tell me off."

"I would never dare do that. You'd probably kill me and sell my limbs."

Monica looked at him strangely.

When they entered Monica and Rachel's apartment, they found Joey inside, with empty pizza boxes all over the apartment.

"Oh my God, Joey!" Monica yelled, and began to clean the apartment up.

"I cannot eat another bite of pizza," he commented, holding his hand to his stomach.

"Hey, there's a piece left. Chandler, do you want it?"

"Yeah."

Monica handed the piece to him, but Joey grabbed it and began eating it.

"Hey!"

"I thought you said you couldn't eat another bite of pizza!" Monica reminded him.

"Yeah, well it's not going to Chandler. I paid for it."

"Really? And who's credit card did you use?"

Joey looked away sheepishly. "The one that says 'Chandler Bing' on it."

"Stop stealing my credit card!"

"Sorry!" Joey handed him his half- eaten piece of pizza, "Pizza?"

Ok, please leave me a review! Thanks!:) And to anybody who hasn't been back in school yet, and is going tomorrow, ha ha ha ha! (I was already in school, so now u know the feeling.) J/k.