TOA The Lesbian Wedding

Ahh…I don't wanna do my hw! I have to do it right after I write this…seriously. Aww, who am I kidding? I'm gonna waste my whole sat. b/c of my damn chem. paper. Oh well, at least I got to sleep late today. Okay, I'll shut up. Hmm…I advise reading the previous chapter. Yes, I know that they all have the same title, and I probably should've titled each separately, but hey, I'm not smart enough to think that up. Okay, please read and review, thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Do I really have to keep writing this? Hmm…I guess it beats getting sued…lol that would be funny, actually.

          Monica turned to leave Richard's office, but Richard called to her.

"Monica?"

She turned around. He then walked up to her and kissed her. When Monica realized what was happening, she pushed Richard away and slapped him hard across the face.

"What the hell are you doing?" she cried out angrily.

Richard held his cheek that was now bright pink. "What? I thought you wanted me to kiss you."

"What?!"

"Well, I just thought there was something going on between us. Ya know, like a spark."

Monica laughed sardonically. "There was no spark! You're insane."

"Am I?"

"Yes! I definitely don't like you."

"Come on, what's holding you back?"

"That fact that I don't like you."

Richard chuckled. "You're even more beautiful when you're angry."

"Stop doing that! You're old enough to be my father!"

"So? It's not like I am you're father."

"Okay, ya know what, I'm gonna go." She then began towards the door.

"Fine, but don't expect me to wait around forever for you, Monica."

Monica turned around and called over her shoulder, "That's okay. I don't need you to!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          Meanwhile, Phoebe and Joey sat together in Central Perk on the orange couch. Joey was listening to Phoebe's story.

"So, since people have chased groundhog's out of their holes for, who knows how long, one day, the ground hogs will revolt against the humans."

Joey gasped.

"That's right! And, they'll come out of their holes early one morning and chase the humans out of their houses! See how they like to be scared out of their homes, just to see if it's spring yet."

"Wow, is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening to me."

Phoebe thought for a moment. "Well, I guess you could befriend a groundhog and hope that, when the time comes, the groundhog will spare you."

"Okay, good idea! Now where can I find a groundhog who looks like a sexy woman?"

Phoebe was about to answer when Monica came running into the coffee house.

"Monica, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Chandler?"

"Chandler? Noooo, I'm still mad at him, but you're never gonna believe what…"

"What? You're still fighting?"

"Yeah. Where have you been?"

Joey began, "But he made you…"

Phoebe cut him off. "Have you been in the apartment building yet?"

"No."

"Oh okay then! So okay, it makes sense that you're still fighting with Chandler."

Monica gave Phoebe a confused look. "Okay…anyway, Phoebe…you were right!"

"I know." Phoebe paused. "What was I right about again?"

"About Richard!"

"That he looks like James Bond in that tux?"

"No, the other thing!"

Phoebe's eyes widened. "That he likes you!"

"Yes!"

"What?" Joey demanded.

"Oh my God, how do you know?!"

Monica looked away and admitted in a quiet voice, "He kissed me."

"What?" Joey and Phoebe yelled together.

"I know! I was getting ready to leave and he asked me to dinner. So I told him I was busy and then he just…he kissed me!"

"Well, did you kiss him back?" Phoebe asked.

"What? No way! I may be mad at Chandler, but I would never cheat on him!"

"Plus, the guy's like fifty," Joey added.

"Yeah, he's old enough to be my father!"

"Hey!" Phoebe defended, "Fifty is not that old. I've been 50 before."

Both Joey and Monica looked at her strangely.

"Oh, no…in my past life."

 They both nodded, pretending to understand.

Suddenly, Joey demanded, "Monica, go upstairs!"

"What? Why?"

"Uhh…Joey and I wanna be alone."

"Okay…" she looked at them, puzzled.

"Bye, bye now!"

"Oh my God, wait! Do you two want me to go away because you're dating?!"

"No, that's not for another nine years, yet," Phoebe answered confidently.

Joey began counting on his fingers.

"Okay…I'll go then…"

Monica rolled her eyes and left the coffee house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          When Monica went upstairs, she saw a note taped on the outside of her apartment that said, "Go to Joey and Chandler's."

She smiled, happy that Chandler was finally going to apologize to her. However, when she entered the apartment, she found it completely dark.

"Chandler?" she called out.

There was no answer though. She turned on the light and saw the table set and flowers all around the room. She sighed happily, but then realized that there were candles around, but the flames had already gone out. She opened the refrigerator and found that the food for their meal had been haphazardly shoved in there. Fighting her urge to organize it, she headed to Chandler's bedroom. However, it too, was empty. She searched the bathroom and Joey's room, but both Chandler was no where to be found. Monica headed back towards the coffee house.

"What are you doing back here?" Phoebe asked, aggravated.

"I went to Chandler's, but he's not there!"

"He's not?" Joey questioned.

"No! Where could he have gone?"

Phoebe bit her lip. "Uh-oh."

"What?"

"Well, I'm guessing that since you were so late, he went over to find you…and Richard."

"What?! How does he know about Richard?!"

"Well, I might've told him that you were working for him…and that he had a crush on you…"

"What?! Why…why would you do that?!"

"I don't know…"

"Oh God."

"Chandler's a big boy," Joey assured her, "He can take care of himself."

"I know."

Joey started laughing.

"What?!"

"Chandler's gonna get his ass kicked by a fifty year old."

"Joey!" Monica bit her nail nervously.

"Yeah, he's not 50. He's 48!"

Monica groaned.

"It'll be okay Mon. Trust me."

Monica nodded, but still was not convinced.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          Chandler knocked on Richard's office door. There was no answer, so he began to knock louder. Still, there was no answer. He began pounding on the door with all of his might, until finally, someone answered.

"We're closed," Richard said simply.

"I don't care!" Chandler yelled, "Where's my girlfriend?!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me right. Where is she?"

"I beg your pardon."

"I know she's here."

"Who is here?"

"Monica."

Richard studied Chandler for a moment. "You're Monica's boyfriend?"

"You bet your ass I'm Monica's boyfriend. Now where is she?!"

"She's not here, but…" Richard smiled deviously, "We had an interesting day."

Chandler squinted his eyes angrily. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. You know, your girlfriend's a very good kisser."

"What?!"

"Yeah, really good. You know what else she's really good at?"

Chandler knew he'd regret asking, but he did anyway, "What?"

"The sex."

Chandler ignored him, and instead studied his face for a moment. "What's that bruise on your cheek?"

"She's very feisty," he smiled, "But, I guess you'd know that, too. Or would you?"

Chandler balled up his fist and punched Richard in the stomach with all of his strength. Richard fell to the ground, clutching his stomach. Chandler looked at him for another moment, and then walked out of the office.

After a few minutes of laying on the ground, Richard stood up as best as he could, and said in a hoarse voice, "Guess he's stronger than he looks."

          Chandler hastily made his way back to his apartment. Before he entered the building, he noticed Monica sitting in Central Perk with Phoebe and Joey. However, he just walked up the stairs into his apartment.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

          A half an hour later, Monica turned to Phoebe and Joey.

"It's been over an hour, he's hurt, or arrested, or something, isn't he?!"

"Monica, don't worry about it. Just go upstairs and get some rest. He'll be fine."

"Okay."

Monica left the coffee house and headed up to her apartment. Before she entered her own apartment, she looked under the door across from her apartment and saw a ray of light coming from underneath it.

She knocked quietly and Chandler asked grumpily, "What?"

"Chandler?"

"If you're gonna break my heart, then go away!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

Monica tried to turn the doorknob, but it was locked.

"Since when do you lock your door?"

"Since my girlfriend cheated on me."

"What?! I never cheated on you. Open this damn door, now!"

He got up and opened it. She walked in quickly and looked at him angrily.

"I saw Richard and he told me everything!"

"What? There was nothing! What did he tell you?"

"He said that you were good at the kissing and good at the sex."

"He wouldn't know!" She changed her tone to a softer one, "Now Chandler, who are you gonna believe? Some guy who wants to break us up, or me?"

He looked away, ashamed, and sat down on his barkalounger. Monica sat down on the armrest and leaned towards him.

"Chandler, I love you. Not that jerk, Richard."

"He was a jerk, wasn't he?"

Monica smiled and kissed Chandler's cheek. "So wanna hear the real story?"

"If it's better than the one I heard."

"Much."

"Okay."

She slid from the armchair into his lap. Chandler put his arms around her and she leaned the back of her head on his chest.

"So, I was working for him, right? And I was about to leave, when he asked me to go out to dinner with him. So I told him that I couldn't because I had to buy curtains…"

"Curtains?"

"Hey, you try to make up an excuse off the top of your head!"

"Okay, I'm sorry, continue."

"As I was saying, I made up an excuse, and I was leaving. He called my name, so I turned around thinking that he wanted to ask me something else. And I didn't want to be rude to him because he was my employer and my dad's friend and all. So, I turned around and he…he kissed me."

Chandler was about to say something, but she cut him off. "No, wait! Okay, he kissed me, not the other way around! Then, as soon as I noticed what was happened, I pushed him away, I swear! I even slapped him!"

Chandler rested his forehead on her shoulder and began laughing.

"What?"

"So, that's why his cheek was bruised."

Monica smiled triumphantly, "It was?"

"Yep."

"Wow…I've never slapped anyone before, either!"

"Well, you're a born natural."

"I know!" She then sobered. "Why did you go over there anyway?"

"Well, when you weren't home and it was already way past when his office was supposed to close, and I was worried that I was gonna lose you."

"That's so sweet, but you'll never lose me." She kissed him lightly on the lips. "But what happened when you got there?"

"Well, he told me that stuff about kissing you and sleeping with you and then when I asked him about the bruise on his face he said that you were 'feisty' and that I should know. And then, I punched him in the stomach and he fell to the floor."

Monica's eyes widened in shock. "You punched him?"

"Yup."

"Wow!"

"I can be strong and violent when I want to be!"

She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank you. But now, I really want you to go back to the sweet and sarcastic Chandler."

"Sounds like sauce for Chinese food."

"That's sweet and sour."

"Well, I can be sour if you want me to be, too. Just give me a minute to get a lemon…"

"Okay, maybe more sweet and less sarcastic."

He smiled and learned in to kiss her. However, Monica stopped him.

"Wait, no make up kiss yet!"

"I was hoping for more than a kiss, but okay."

"No, I still haven't forgiven you for staying in your chair all day and ignoring me and forgetting about our date."

"Right. I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry Mon! I'll make it up to you. See, I set up for a romantic dinner, but you were kinda late, so all the candles went out and the food's away, but I can heat up the food and light more candles and…"

"Okay, heat up the food and while it's heating…" Monica got off his lap and locked the door.

"I like the way you think!"

He put the food in the oven and lit more candles. He walked over to Monica, who was now sitting in his chair.

"Wow, this chair is really comfortable!"

"I know. And it's even more comfortable when you're in it with me." He smiled suggestively, and slipped underneath her. "Let's say we use this chair for other activities, besides for sitting."

In a seductive tone, she answered, "That's sounds very good, Mr. Bing."

They began kissing, but a pounding at the door interrupted them. "Come on, I want to sit in the chair!" Joey yelled from the other side.

"Ignore him," Chandler told her, while kissing her neck.

"Chandler…we can't do it with him pounding on the door."

"Just block it out."

Monica gave him a look and got up. "Meet you in my room?"

"Okay!"

Monica walked out of the apartment, with Chandler following her.

"Joe, there's food in the oven, but don't eat it!"

"You got it."

Joey watched as Chandler left the apartment and went across the hall, shutting the door behind him. He looked up and down the hall, and shut his door quickly. He then opened the oven and tried to get the food out. However, he burnt his hand.

"Damn you food!" Joey yelled, but tried again. "Oww! How do you work an oven? Oh well, guess I'll just have a beer."

Okay, I know that Richard isn't that big of a jerk on the show, but he is here. Well, he did try to get Monica to marry him…but then again, he let Chandler go after her. I hate that part. They're lucky the actual proposal's sweet, cuz I'd be really mad otherwise. I end up hating Monica in that epi. Anyways, please read and review, thanks! (but not if u're gonna tell me that I did Richard wrong, b/c I know already!)