TOA The Lesbian Wedding-Chapter 17
I'd like to share the words of advice that my Microsoft word assistant has just so kindly shared w/ me. "You can hurt yourself if u run with scissors." Isn't that nice to know? I mean I usually run w/ scissors all the time. I guess I just never put two and two together—ya know, the fact that I actually ran w/ scissors and then I cut myself w/ them. I just thought it was coincidence (hey, that's jo-incodence w/ a c…hehe).
Anyways, yeah I should probably tell you that this is the last "chapter" in this series!! Aww, I know. Oh, and sorry about the confusion from the previous chappie—apparently I am a confusing person. That was not my last chapter, but some people thought it was. But, it's not. Ok, this chapter just takes a few tiny details from the season 2 finale (tow barry and mindy's wedding) and turns it into something else. Chandler does not meet that "mystery girl" online, Monica and Richard don't have their whole ya know, break up events, 'cuz…well they're not together in this, so I think it would be odd if I broke them up. Oh and Chandler and Monica don't go to the wedding cuz I don't get why Monica and Richard go in the epi anyways. I mean Monica's not friends w/ Mindy and why would she just go for Rahcel? If someone could explain that to me, (w/o stating that I'm a complete idiot) I would like that. Ok, and since I do not wish to be flamed by…ummm…Janice sympathizers, I am stating now, before I start, that, yes, she will be in it. And, I am writing her w/ complete neutrality. The characters may find her annoying, since, well they usually do on the show, but that does not mean that I do. It also does not mean that I do not. I am neutral. Yup, just consider me Becca Switzerland. Finally, the last chapter!! I shall leave u in peace. Please read and leave me one final review!! It would mean ever so much to me.
Disclaimer: Bet you can't guess what I don't own… damn, how did u know that I didn't own the characters?! Well, I thought I did a good job pretending!
"I mean I don't really wanna go," Rachel confessed to the gang in Central Perk that morning, "But, I also think that I should go, ya know?"
"Hmm…you think you should go to the wedding of the man you left at the alter and your ex-best friend, who coincidently your fiancé was cheating on you with, while you two were engaged? Now, that makes sense," Chandler quipped.
Rachel gave Chandler an icy glare. "No! I just want to come back and show these people that I'm doing just fine without Barry."
"Well I think it's great," Ross announced and kissed Rachel's cheek.
Phoebe chuckled. "Of course you have to say that. You're her boyfriend!"
"Thanks Phoebe," Ross replied, deadpanned.
"Anyway, as much as I'm loving this conversation," Monica remarked sarcastically, "I have to get to work."
They all exchanged their good-byes and Monica left the coffee shop.
"So seriously, Rach," Joey continued, "Why are you going to this thing?"
"I dunno it's just…" Suddenly, Rachel trailed off and stared at the door. "Uhh…you gu—"
A familiar voice rang through the coffee shop, interrupting Rachel. "Ohh…my…God."
"Janice," Chandler announced with mock happiness, "Hey, everyone! It's Janice!"
Janice came over to them and smiled. "Well, well, well, if it isn't Chandler Bing."
"I guess it is," he then added under his breath, "Unfortunately."
"If this isn't fate, then I don't know what is!"
Chandler's eyes widened. "Wh--what?"
"Well, my husband's sleeping around and then I come here to get away and who do I see?"
Joey turned to Phoebe and whispered, "Thank God she didn't see me first."
Chandler chuckled uncomfortably. "Janice, Janice, I don't think this was meant to be."
"What are you talking about? Of course it was!"
"No, see Janice, Janice," he paused for a moment, "Janice."
"What?"
"I, uh, I have a girlfriend."
Janice laughed her trademark laugh. "Right, Chandler," she touched his shoulder, "Pick me up at 7, kay? Great."
Janice headed towards the counter to order, and Chandler followed her.
"Wait, Janice!"
She turned to face him. "Can't get enough of me?" she laughed. "We can move it up to 5 if you really want."
"No, Janice. That's not it. I can't go out with you. I—" he held up his head proudly, "I have a girlfriend."
Janice merely laughed and replied, "I'll see you at 5, my Bing-a-ling."
Janice moved forward again, but Chandler reached out and grabbed her arm lightly. "Janice, I'm serious!"
She studied Chandler intently and then moved back towards the group. "Is this true?" she questioned them.
The four nodded somberly.
Janice smiled and clapped her hands. "Well, I'm happy for you! What's the lucky lady's name?"
The others turned away from Janice and pretended to be interested in something on the other side of the window.
"Well, her name is…Monica," answered Chandler, confidently.
Janice looked over at the group. "Monica as in…?"
"Wow, I have that…thing to do," Phoebe stated suddenly.
"Oh, right, that thing!" Rachel agreed hurriedly, "We should go!"
The four rose and hastily left the coffee shop.
Janice stared at Chandler in shock for a moment. "Well…that's nice."
Chandler nodded. "I think it is."
"I have to admit, Chandler Bing, I'm very surprised."
Chandler laughed. "Aren't we all?"
"Ok, so no date tonight. But how about dinner…the three of us?"
Chandler tried hard to find an excuse not to go. He smiled when he thought of one, looked up at Janice, and frowned. "Oh, no, I'm sorry. Monica has to work."
"Well, that's all right. Maybe another night."
Chandler let out a sigh of relief and nodded. He turned to leave the coffee shop, but then felt Janice's arm on his shoulder.
"Chandler, I just…I need some help?"
"You do?"
"It's all so hard…taking care of my child…alone."
"I—I'm sorry."
Janice smiled bitterly. "Yeah, well…" she paused. "Can you do me a favor?"
Chandler eyed Janice suspiciously for a moment. "Depends…?"
"Help me watch my baby tonight?"
"I—"
"Please."
Chandler sighed and relented. "Sure Janice. What time?"
"My place at 5?"
"Wait a minute, if you were going to go to dinner with me at 5, then what were you going to do with—"
Janice began to head out the door before Chandler could finish his sentence. "See you then. Bye bye!"
When she left, Chandler turned around and hit his forehead in frustration. He then noticed the other customers in the coffee shop staring at him.
"What?!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So you said yes?" Phoebe clarified after Chandler told them his dilemma, later that day in Monica and Rachel's apartment.
"What else was I supposed to do?"
"Say…no…" Ross suggested.
"I couldn't do that! She was so upset about her husband and ya know, now I'm off the market."
Phoebe began laughing. "That would make her upset?!"
"Thanks Pheebs," Chandler responded, deadpanned.
"So, just go and help take care of the kid," Rachel advised, "Just do that and nothing more and you'll be fine. I mean do you really think she would make a pass on a man who has a girlfriend?"
"Probably not."
Joey turned to Chandler and grabbed his hand. "Chandler, promise me one thing."
"What?"
"Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not go back to Janice. Stay with Monica forever!"
Chandler smiled and patted Joey's shoulder. "I will."
Ross moved to stand behind Chandler and tapped his shoulder. "Yes, and if you were to ever even think of cheating on my sister…"
"I'd kill you with a dinosaur bone," Phoebe finished for Ross.
"Hey!"
"Haha, that would be funny, actually," Joey decided, "Watching Chandler and Ross fight."
Ross raised his head indignantly. "Well, we all know who would win."
"Yeah, me." Chandler responded.
"Hey, I would win that fight!"
"Not this again," whined Rachel.
"No, Rach, I could beat Chandler!"
"Sure you can, sweetie," Rachel responded.
Ross smiled triumphantly and turned towards Chandler. "Haha!"
Rachel and Chandler exchanged glances.
"Yeah, whatever Ross. Anyway, I have to go. I'll see you guys later."
"Good luck!" Rachel called.
"Watch out for the devil's child!" Phoebe joked.
Chandler rolled his eyes and left the apartment.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A few minutes after Chandler left, Joey got up and began looking through the refrigerator.
"Hey Rach, where's the leftover lasagna that Monica said would be in here?"
Rachel laughed. "Why are you asking me?"
Joey shrugged and continued to study the refrigerator. Then, he began taking out all of the food, searching for his lasagna.
"Ya know," Ross called from the living room, "Monica will freak out if she sees her food put back in the wrong places."
Phoebe chuckled. "Tell me about it. I mean once I put the milk in the orange juice spot." She rolled her eyes. "Man, I paid for that one."
"Uh-huh," Joey said as he began throwing things back in the refrigerator. When he was finished, he turned to the others and told them, "I was never here." With that, he ran out of the apartment.
When he got to his own apartment, he picked up the phone and began dialing.
"Hey Mon?"
"Joey?" Monica asked on the other side of the line, "I really don't have time to talk."
"That's ok. I just have one quick question."
Monica sighed. "What's that?"
"Where's the lasagna you left me?"
She chuckled. "You ate that this morning."
"I did?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Damnit!"
"Ok, Joey, I really have to go."
"Fine, bye."
"Wait, wait, Joey?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you tell Chandler that I might be home a little later than usual?"
"Uh, if I can remember when he gets back."
"Why?" Monica wondered, "Where is he?"
"Babysitting."
"Babysitting Ben?"
"No. Janice's kid."
"What?"
"Oh, yeah. You don't know. So, after you left the coffee house, Janice came in. She tried to get Chandler to go out with her, but he told her that he was dating you. So, then, she started to get all upset about her husband cheating on her and how difficult it was for her to take care of her baby alone, and asked Chandler to help her tonight."
"And he did?"
"That…wasn't…obvious?"
Monica ignored Joey's previous comment. "Why couldn't that woman take someone else's boyfriend?!"
"What? He's just babysitting her kid."
"Oh come on, that is the oldest trick in the single mother handbook!"
"I've never had to watch any woman's kids."
Monica laughed. "Who would trust you with their kid?"
"Good point."
"Ok, ok, so what are we going to do?"
Joey thought for a moment. "I'm in the mood for pizza."
"No! About Chandler."
"Oh." Joey thought again for a moment. "Nothing?"
"What?! And let my boyfriend be stolen away by the damsel in distress?!"
"Umm…what?"
Monica rolled her eyes. "I'll be home in 20 minutes. Don't leave your apartment and don't tell anyone I'm coming, okay?"
"I thought you were busy."
"Ehh. I hate my job anyway."
Joey nodded in comprehension. "Okay, bye."
Monica slammed the phone down, threw her apron on the floor, and ran out of the diner.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chandler shifted nervously at Janice's door, as he waited for her to answer it. A half a minute later, Janice threw open the door.
"Oh Chandler, thank God you're here!"
Chandler raised his eyes, but kept silent.
"Ok, come meet my precious little angel."
"Okay."
Chandler followed Janice into the living room, where the baby was sleeping in its bassinet.
"Oh my God!" Chandler yelled, "There's a raccoon on your baby!"
Janice laughed. "No, silly. That's just hair."
"Oh, wow. You're baby has…quite the head of hair."
"Yeah, I know." She smiled proudly, "So adorable."
Chandler smiled. "Oh yes."
Once she turned around, Chandler looked at the baby again and grimaced. "Man," he whispered, "That must've itched."
Janice turned back around. "What was that?"
"Nice place you've got here."
"Yeah, well my hubby may be sleeping with someone else, but he pays the bills."
Chandler nodded uncomfortably.
"Sit, sit," Janice demanded as she gestured towards the couch.
Chandler sat down, and then Janice sat next to him.
"Uh, the baby's sleeping, so I mean there's not much to do. Do you really need me here?"
"Oh please stay! I need someone to talk to!"
Chandler nodded and mumbled under his breath, "I was afraid of that."
She turned to Chandler and smiled. He forced a smile on his own face, and listened as she began to talk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Monica, what are we doing with Chandler's address book?" Joey wondered as they walked through an unfamiliar area. "And more importantly, where are we?!"
"We're going to Janice's."
Joey stopped in his tracks. "What?! I—I don't wanna see Janice!"
"Relax, you won't."
Joey gave her a baffled look.
"We'll just be spying on them."
"Sneaky." Joey paused. "Isn't that like invading your boyfriend's privacy?"
Monica rolled her eyes. "I brought you here because I thought you wouldn't mention that."
"Well, I guess there's more to Joey than you thought."
Monica chuckled. "Right."
Joey chose to ignore Monica's comment. "So, how are we gonna spy on her? Like go behind her curtains and grab her when she's not looking?"
Monica stopped walking and gave Joey a baffled look. "You watch too many cartoons."
"So?"
Monica shook her head and began walking again.
"So, if that's not what we're doing, then how are we going to spy?"
"I dunno, but I'll think of something when we get there."
Joey shrugged and looked around. "Oh, Mon, stop!"
"What?"
Joey turned and headed into a deli.
"Joey, we don't have time."
Joey raised his eyebrows. "If you're with me, then there is always time for food."
Monica sighed and followed Joey into the restaurant.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So, then, while I was in the next room he talks dirty to his secretary! Can you believe it?!" Janice wondered.
"Nope, I can't. And I couldn't believe the five other times you've told me already."
Janice laughed. "Oh Chandler, you always know how to cheer me up."
"Lucky me."
"So anyway, he was just talking dirty to her. And then he came over to me and—"
"Kissed you like nothing had happened. Yes, I know."
"Oh ok then." She paused. "Can you believe it? He was late coming to the hospital when I was giving birth to his child! He was probably doing it with his secretary somewhere," Janice spat.
"Uh, Janice. Can I use your bathroom?"
"Yeah, sure sweetie! Second door to the left."
Chandler nodded and hastily rose.
"Be careful not to spill any of my wax!"
Chandler nodded and grimaced as he continued to the bathroom.
*~*~*~*
Meanwhile, Monica and Joey were standing outside on Janice's fire escape.
"Where'd he go?!" Monica demanded. "Oh my God, I bet he's going to her bedroom!"
Joey gave her an amused look. "Without her?"
Monica shrugged sheepishly and looked back in the apartment. "Okay, okay, now she's going into the kitchen! I bet she's getting him honey to lick off of her!"
"Aww man, Chandler's so lucky!" Off of Monica's angry look, he clarified, "'Cause honey tastes good…"
"And sex is good, too!" Monica screamed.
"Shh! Someone might notice us!"
"Sorry."
"But yeah, you're right. Sex definitely adds a lot to the honey-licking experience."
Monica sighed heavily and watched as Janice came back out of the kitchen with a bottle of water in her hands.
"She has water. Maybe she wants to lick water off his chest!"
"Okay…"
They watched as Janice sat down, opened the bottle, and began drinking.
"Or maybe…she just wants to hydrate herself before my boyfriend makes her sweat it all out again."
Joey shook his head woefully. "Calm down, Mon. Don't you trust Chandler?"
"Yes."
"Then why are we here?"
"Because I don't trust Janice!"
"Okay…"
"Ok, Chandler's back. She's smiling at him. She's standing up. She's…"
"Going to pick up the crying baby."
"Yeah, well watch. I'm sure she has some devious plot to steal my Chandler!"
Joey laughed.
"It's not funny!"
"No, but you are."
"She hit Joey hard on the arm."
"Owww. God damnit woman, why are you so strong?!"
Suddenly, Monica and Joey stopped talking when they hearing someone climb up the fire escape.
"Excuse me," a male voice called, "What's going on here?"
"It's a police officer," Joey whispered harshly to Monica.
"Ummm…we're just…enjoying the view."
The officer looked down. "The view of the street?"
"Yes, we're very fond of…traffic," Joey informed the man.
"Okay, well I'm going to have to ask you to get down. You are trespassing on private property."
"Okay, officer," Monica replied, but made no move to leave.
"Now."
Monica smiled down at the officer flirtatiously. "Can't we just stay up here for a little while longer, officer?"
"No, come on, let's go."
Joey whispered in Monica's ear, "You are the biggest hypocrite I know."
Monica elbowed Joey in the ribs. "Oww! Damnit, Monica!"
"What's wrong?" the officer called.
"Uhh…nothing sir. Just let's explain what we're really up here for."
"Joey," Monica demanded.
Joey ignored her. "See, we're really here to spy on this lady's boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend."
The officer gave them an angry look. "Let's go now, before I have to take drastic measures with you two."
They rolled their eyes and followed the officer down the fire escape.
"How do you know the word hypocrite?"
Joey blushed. "Word-a-day toilet paper again."
"Ok, phew. I feel much better now. For a minute there I thought I was in an alternate universe."
*~*~*~*~*~*
"Aww, he's cranky," Janice cooed as she rocked the baby back and forth in her arms.
Chandler covered his ears. "Wow, that baby's got a set of lungs."
Janice laughed. "Gets that from my husband."
Chandler raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Right…"
"Ok, can you hold the angel?"
"I dunno. I mean I'm not very—"
Janice cut him off by sticking the child in his arms.
"Or maybe I am."
"I'll be right back," Janice informed him.
Chandler nodded and began rocking the baby back and forth.
"Oh, please stop crying. My head's going to explode soon!"
Suddenly, Chandler heard something coming from outside. Holding the baby protectively in his arms, he slowly went over to see what was going on.
*~*~*~*~*
"Joey, shhh!" Monica demanded.
"What if the officer finds us again? I'm too good looking to go to jail! The men might jump me!"
"Don't worry, we won't go to jail. At least not for long."
"Mon—"
"Just shut up and then there's no reason to worry!" she whispered harshly.
"Fine, fine."
Suddenly, the window opened and Joey and Monica began going down the fire escape quickly.
"Joey? Monica?" Chandler called.
Monica nudged Joey in the leg, and he climbed back up, with Monica following.
"Hey man."
Monica bit her lip.
"What are you two doing here?"
"Well, we're just," Joey struggled for words.
"Admiring the view of the city," Monica finished for him.
"You can't do that from your apartment balcony?"
Monica shrugged. "We wanted a new view."
"Were you spying on me?"
Monica laughed uncomfortably. "Of course not. Right Joe?"
"No, no, not spying. Never."
Just then, the same police officer climbed back up. "What did I tell you two before?! Come with me."
Joey and Monica stared at Chandler expectantly. Chandler smiled at them deviously and they both stared at him incredulously.
"Officer, it's ok. They're with me."
He studied the man for a moment. "Are you the boyfriend?"
"Yes…"
The officer laughed and headed back down the fire escape. Chandler raised his eyebrows in confusion, but then turned to Monica and Joey.
"Well, come in already."
They climbed into the apartment and looked around.
"Were you really going to leave us there?!" Joey wondered after a moment.
Chandler laughed. "I was thinking of it."
Janice walked back into the living room and laughed. "Well, Chandler, I didn't know that you were bringing company."
He eyed the guilty party in front of him. "Yeah, neither did I."
"Hi Janice," Monica waved uncomfortably.
"Monica!" Janice ran over and hugged her. "So, you and Chandler, huh?"
"Uhh…yeah." Monica looked over at Chandler, "I think."
Janice clapped her hands. "I'm so happy for you two!"
"Thank you," Monica said uneasily.
"Hey Janice, we'll be right back. Monica and I need to talk in the hall for a minute."
"Okay, but hurry back!"
Joey headed towards the door with them, but Chandler stopped him. "Could you wait inside? We need to talk…privately."
Joey's eyes widened as he looked from Chandler, to Janice, and then back at Chandler. "I have to stay in here with her?!"
Chandler shrugged and headed outside, with Monica following him slowly.
"So Joey," Janice began, "How are you?"
"Oh, I'm just great." Under his breath, he added, "I'll never do any favors for those two again."
*~*~*~*~*~*
Monica closed the door once they both came outside and smiled at Chandler.
"So, I'm gonna head home."
Chandler grabbed Monica by the arm and she spun around to face him.
"Were you—jealous?"
Monica laughed nervously. "No, no, no, not at all."
Chandler gave her an unbelieving look.
"Ok, maybe a little."
"Wow, a woman jealous of another woman over me. I never thought the day would come!"
"Chandler," Monica whined.
"You don't have to be jealous of anyone," he informed her softly, "My heart's only with you."
"Yes, but the baby!"
"What about the baby?"
"You…you were going to decide you loved having a family so much that you'd fall in love with Janice and her kid and leave me."
Chandler gave her a baffled look. "Why would you think that?"
Monica shrugged and looked away.
"You really do over-react sometimes." Off of Monica's angry look, he reminded her, "Only sometimes!"
"So, you're not going to leave me?"
"No way! And especially not for Janice."
"Really?"
"Really."
"You're sure? Because if you're going to leave, do it now. Do you need me to have a baby to keep you? I'll do it!"
Chandler wrapped his arms around her waist. "I've never been more sure about anything in my life. And I definitely don't want a baby right now."
Monica looked up at him. "Will you—ever want a baby?"
Chandler smiled. "Yeah, of course."
"Really? 'Cause I mean you are Chandler."
"I am?"
Monica smacked his shoulder playfully and then reached up to rest her arms around his neck.
"So one day, we'll get married and have babies?"
"It's a deal."
Monica smiled and kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
Chandler leaned in for another kiss.
"I should leave now," Monica stated as she pulled her arms away from him. Chandler, however, didn't move his from her waist.
"I'm coming, too! Don't wanna be stuck in there again with loud and louder."
Monica laughed and they left the building, holding hands.
*~*~*~*~*~*
"Come see my baby!" Janice insisted.
Joey shuffled uncomfortably in his spot. "O—okay."
Janice grabbed Joey's arm. "Come on!"
"Oh my God, there's a tarantula on its head!" Joey screamed and picked up a broom.
"No, no, that's just hair!" Janice laughed. "Ya know, a lot of people seem to think that."
Joey put down the broom and took a few deep breaths. "I can't imagine why."
Janice turned towards Joey and frowned. "Were you going to hit my baby with a broom?"
"Uh, uh…" Joey stuttered as he headed towards the window and climbed out of it. "Bye bye now!"
Wow, I am finished! Aww, I'm ready to cry. So sad. I've been working on this since like…December! Well, I hope that you enjoyed this series. Thank you all for sticking around and especially those who reviewed! I hope that this last chapter was all right and although I know it's not really an ending with a bang, it's the best I could do. All right, since I left a terribly long beginning a/n I'm gonna shut my big mouth now. Please leave me a final review! That would mean a lot to me. Thanks! :o)
