Disclaimer: I have no idea what GreyLadyBeast had planned. Oh, and I am a bit of a perv, so I am really sorry, if innuendo is against the rules then. . .oops?

No Title. Titles are Boring, and Often Misleading.

Legolas walked off, feeling quite pleased with himself. He would get the dirt on Scruffer, or whatever his name was, with little to no cost to himself. Smiling, he opened his mouth to whistle a common Elven tune. . .but before he got to the tune, someone got to him. Legolas spit profusely, hoping that hadn't been who he thought it was.

Pushing the thought out of his mind, he continued on to visit Feo and Fao, his "friends" the scullery maids. Un fortunately, they had something else in mind. . ."If you want us to get you extra food," Feo shouted, "you've got another thing coming!"

"And if you want us to do some of your weird friends again, you've definitely got another thing coming!" Fao shouted.

"My dear ladies," Legolas said, flattery being a common tactic with him. "I assure you, they are not my friends."

"You set us up with the repulsive ones," said the scullery maid called Feo, "and then set us up with some of those pretty followers you've got there. And we have a deal!"

"Er. . ." why did everyone want his fangirls? The more there were, the ore Arwen would be annoyed. He had none to spare! What, did people think he just inflated them or something? Only 200 of the 5,687 had been inflated, and they were only for good measure.

"I don't agree to that," Fao said. "I am sick of being a pawn for the prince of smirk-wood. Do your own dirty work."

And as Feo always agreed with Fao, she said, "Yeah."

"All right, then I will!" Legolas said, stalking off. . .and he realized that, this option exhausted, that was what he would have to do.

Meanwhile, the hobbits were getting "the dirt" on Scruffy. "Merry, are you sure you want to just make up a bunch of lies about Strider? After all, he did save Frodo at Weathertop. We could always just ask politely."

"Oh, yes," Merry said sarcastically. "Mr. Strider, sir, Pippin and I were just wondering if you wouldn't mind if we asked you some personal questions. . .why, oh, no reason, just curious. . .he's not stupid. Well, he's not that stupid."

"Yes, but. . .well, what if he found out that we were telling lies about him?"

"Then. . ."

"He would kill us both, violently."

"Nah, Elrond's hottie daughter wouldn't like that."

"How do you know? Some of these hotties. . .weird in the head."

"All right, you win! So what do you suggest we do, instead?" Merry asked, wanting to live to see tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

"Well. . ." Pippin leaned in and whispered in Merry's ear. A smile appeared on Merry's face, and kept on growing. . .

"Pippin, you're a genius!" Merry exclaimed.

"There's one I've never heard before," Pippin said, and it was true.

"Come on!" Merry grabbed his hand. "Strider and Elrond's hottie daughter are in the gardens, being all lovey dovey. It's the perfect time!" Merry pulled Pippin through corridor after corridor, then stopped. Pippin was out of breath.

"Is this it?" Pippin asked.

"I'm sure of it. Look, muddy footprints." Only a hobbit would notice such things, as hobbits are very close to the ground. Merry reached for the doorknob. . .

"Wait!" Pippin said. "What about fingerprinting?"

"Not around for another few centuries."

"All right then, go ahead."

Merry turned the knob. . .the door opened! "Behold," Merry whispered, "Strider's room. Get in, quick, and close the door!" Pippin did, shoving the door so hard in closed with a resounding "click". Merry ignored this, snooping about. Finding stuff about Strider wouldn't be too difficult. Already the hobbits could see that he was a total slob, clothes everywhere (and in desperate need of a good washing), the bed was unmade, and--

"Holy cross-dressing, Merry, I think this counts as dirt!"

"Pippin, I think those probably belong to Elrond's hottie daughter. Ooh. . .that's dirt if I ever knew any!"

"What is?" Pippin asked. Off Merry's look, he understood. "Eww. . ."

Just then, the doorknob began to turn. . .it stuck! Merry and Pippin gulped with fear, then the door opened, and standing the doorway was their greatest nightmare.

*****

A/N: What is Merry and Pippin's greatest nightmare? How literally will Legolas take the phrase "do it yourself"? Will Merry and Pippin get even more dirt on Strider? Will Elrond find out that Strider and Arwen have been, uh. . .yeah. . .? Tune in next week! (I've always wanted to say that)