Sorry for the REALLY long wait. I've decided that I will write as much as possible this week since I'm testing this week and probably won't have any homework. So anyway, here's the next chapter!!!

"Okay, let's go!" one of the henchmen said gruffly.

"Where are we going?" Holly asked.

"Well, we're going to a secret lair that is located BENEATH Haven, so it's REALLY close to the earth's core." He replied.

"But wouldn't that not be possible? I mean, everybody would burn up." Artemis thought aloud.

"Oh no! We're going to become as crisp as badly burnt toast when you push it down too many times, aren't we Arty!?" Jill said in an overdramatic voice.

'Oh please,' Holly thought. 'She is SUCH a damsel in distress.'

Holly, Artemis, and Mary Sue..I mean JILL were whisked off in a private jet which Briar SOMEHOW obtained to take them.umm..below ground? Anyway, back to our hero and heroine(s). (You decide.)

"So, I think I should tell you some more about Jill," Artemis said, turning to Holly.

"Why?" she questioned.

"Well, because it's background information that may be important later. It has to go somewhere, you know."

"Oh.okay.." Holly said uncertainly.

"We met because she's the daughter of a crime family also. Isn't that such a coincidence? Anyway, her IQ is ALSO just as high as mine! Wow! That makes us so compatible. Anyway, she's been working for me for a while."

"Working for you?" Holly asked a little surprised.

"Yeah, as a secretary."

"A secretary! So now the great Artemis Fowl needs a secretary. You never needed a secretary before!"

"Well I-"

"Just get on with it," Holly huffed.

"Okay, okay. But before I continue, what's with the word 'huffed' anyway. It sounds like you're smoking or something."

"Smoking is a bad, bad thing, that can take you life away! In fact, my dear, dear father died from the use of drugs. So remember kids, they are harmful to your body!" Jill exclaimed.*

"Yeah, well-" Holly began.

"OH! He was my only friend! We used to walk together by the bay with the ocean shining so bright and eat pizza. We would talk about everything, even about my mother's cancer, my brother's criminal record, and my sister's eating disorder. He was all I had. And every time we looked out over the ocean the wind would whisk all my worries away. And, and," she choked. "Now.he's gone!" Jill burst into tears.

"That.is so sad!" the random henchman said while dabbing away tears with a silky pink handkerchief.

"Wait, you were here the whole time?" Holly said surprised.

"Yeah. Most fanfic writers forget to mention the placement of certain.lesser characters such as myself."

"Oh."

"Anyway, I'm here to tell you that we've arrived."

"But we didn't go underground yet!" Jill squealed.

"Ha. Squealed. Like a pig. Besides, the author forgot that part. Sorry, you'll just have to pretend that already happened."

So our heroes were lead into a dark prison cell where Jill cried in a helpless way, Artemis contemplated their possibility of escape, and Holly just sat there, leaving it up to Artemis. Besides, from what she'd learned so far, she probably wouldn't die in this fic. It was pretty upbeat, right? This got her to worrying. This author obviously couldn't be trusted and maybe she (or he.ewww.) was actually really twisted and would make her get killed in a bloody accident. Evidently Jill was the favored female character of the story so maybe she would die. Just when Holly began to freak out about her safety, a random henchman appeared.

"Mr. Cudegon wants to see you," he said while unlocking the door.

Holly got up cautiously and followed him down a series of hallways that she would never remember no matter how good her memory way.

'Great,' she thought. 'I can't even remember how to get from room to room. This must be a sign of my worthlessness. Meaning I'm going to die. Ahhh! Oh no! What if I'm going to be led into a gas chamber or something! AHHHH!'

Just then they stopped. The guard opened the heavy, wooden door and motioned for her to enter. She stepped slowly into the room which was mostly empty except for a desk in which Briar sat at.

"Come here," he said staring at her. "There's no need to be afraid."

'Yeah right,' she thought.

Just as she reached his desk he took her hands in his, taking Holly by surprise, and rubbed them gently.

"Rigggghhhtttt." Holly said, freeing herself from his grasp. "Now exactly what was it you wanted to see me for?"

"Well, Holly, I've always been very drawn to you. I sometimes have some evil henchmen follow you and take pictures of you so that I can fantasize about actually being the same room with you. I get my teddy bear and we sit down together, looking through the photos. Sometimes I take the photos and make screensavers and wallpaper for my computer out of them. Then Mr. Sock and I get some J Lo Music and make a movie of your pictures to the music.You're so beautiful and no that you're in my evil clutches you shall never escape! Bwahahahahah!!!!!"

"Well.that was very odd and strangely specific." Holly commented. She really didn't know what to say. I mean, some guy just had told her that he worshiped the ground she walked on and she wasn't a bit amused.

"You see," he continued, "All of the best of the bad fanfiction writers make a heroine be the object of desire of some evil, bad guy. It's kind of a given. I thought you'd be expecting it."

"Oh, okay. .mr. sock? HA!"