Chapter 4: I've Got A Theory
The show faded back in to show Ryan standing by the open door of the Magic Box the next day.
"And… we're back! Now, Buffy passed last night's audition, but now she has to face her friends and the judges will use this opportunity to eliminate one of the contestants. Who will it be? Let's find out."
The camera panned to show Buffy passing Ryan with a scowl on her face as Ryan rubbed his arm in reflex. She went into the Magic Box, looking over her shoulder distrustfully.
Inside, Xander was seated at the table while Willow and Tara stood by the counter. Giles was at the far end of the room, reading and Anya was by the window, checking the inventory.
"Good morning, Buffy!" Giles said as she walked in.
"Oh, hey, did Dawn get off to school all right?" Willow asked her.
"What? Oh, uh, yeah. I think so," Buffy replied, distracted.
Xander was holding a donut in each hand as he said, "Respect the cruller. And tame the donut!"
Anya, passing by to the counter, commented dryly, "That's still funny, sweetie."
As she went behind the counter, Giles looked in the box of donuts, chose one and took a bite.
"So, uh, no research? Nothing going on? Monsters or what not?" Buffy asked, semi-casually.
Giles and Xander shook their heads no and continued eating donuts.
"Good! Good," she answered. Then, a little awkwardly, she asked, "Uh, so, did anybody... uh... last night, you know, did anybody, um... burst into song?"
Giles stopped chewing and everyone stared at Buffy for a moment.
"Merciful Zeus!" cried Xander.
They all rushed over and started talking at once.
"We thought it was just us!" said Willow.
Giles added, "Well, I sang but I had my guitar at the hotel..."
"It was bizarre. We were talking and then it was like – " Tara tried to explain.
Buffy completed, "Like you were in an audition!"
"Yeah!" Tara agreed. "There were judges and…"
"That would explain the cameras everywhere and that annoying chap with the bad hair," added Giles.
Willow interjected, "We did a whole duet about dish washing."
"And we were arguing and," Anya pitched in, "and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and the dance with coconuts."
"There was an entire verse about the cous-cous," Willow explained.
"It was very disturbing," concluded Xander. "The guy with hair, I mean."
When everyone calmed down, Giles turned to Buffy and asked her, "What did you sing about?"
She paused, then said, "I don't remember. But i-it seemed perfectly normal. I mean, until the British guy said I sucked. What is it with you English people, being all down on me?" she asked Giles.
"It's disturbing," Xander repeated. "And not the natural order of things, and do you think it'll happen again?"
Giles thought about it, saying, "I don't know. I should look into it."
"With the books," added Willow.
Tara turned to them and asked, "Do we *have* any books on this?"
"Well, we just gotta break it down," insisted Xander. "Look at the factors before it happens again. Because I, for one – "
Giles interrupted as he sang,
I've got a theory
That it's a demon
A dancing demon! (then he grimaces)
Ugh, no, something isn't right there.
Willow joined in, singing,
I've got a theory
Some kid is dreamin'
And we're all stuck inside his wacky Broadway nightmare.
Tara did 'jazz hands' beside her as Xander pitched in with,
I've got a theory we should work this out.
They all added together,
It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?
Xander jumped up and sang,
It could be witches!
Some evil witches!
then seeing Willow's and Tara's expressions, sang quickly,
Which is ridiculous,
'Cause witches
They were persecuted,
Wicca good
And love the earth
And woman power
And I'll be over here.
Xander pointed and sat quietly as Anya added,
I've got a theory! It could be bunnies!
There was silence as the others just stared at her.
Tara tried to add her two cents,
I've got a –
but suddenly the tune changed to a frantic hard-rock beat with electric guitar and a roving spotlight that waved crazily over Anya and she shrieked,
Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes!
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!
And what's with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
She played air guitar as she cried,
Bunnies!
Bunnies!
It must be bunnies!
Fireworks went off all around her, then the smoke cleared away. The others continued simply staring.
Back to original melody, she added,
Or maybe midgets.
Willow quickly sat down beside Giles and opened a book saying,
I've got a theory we should work this fast.
Giles joined in and they both sang,
Because it clearly could get serious before it's passed.
Giles got up and started to climb the stairs to the loft as Buffy chimed in,
I've got a theory. It doesn't matter.
Giles paused and turned back. Everyone looked at Buffy as she elaborated,
What can't we face if we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
Apocalypse?
We've all been there.
The same old trips
Why should we care?
They all agreed, except Giles, and sang together,
What can't we do if we get in it?
We'll work it through within a minute.
Buffy looked at Giles throughout this. He watched her too and finally joined in. They all sang,
We have to try
We'll pay the price
It's do or die…
Buffy chimed in to sing,
Hey, I've died twice.
Giles smiled and came down off the ladder, all of them singing,
What can't we face if we're together?
Giles: What can't we face...
What's in this place that we can't weather?
Giles: ...if we're together...
There's nothing we can't face.
As the tune dwindled away, Anya sat, adding in a small voice,
Except for bunnies.
As Xander sat next to her, he said, "See, okay, that was disturbing."
"I thought it was neat," replied Willow.
Then, a cough was heard from above and they all turned to look up to the loft where Simon, Paula and Randy were looking down.
"All right! Enough! Thank you. Paula?" Simon turned to the woman at his right.
Paula smiled widely as she looked down and said, "Oh, you guys were great. Really. It's so hard to decide. Again, Buffy, you've got the enthusiasm, that style. Really great. And you all work so well together..."
Giles interrupted to say, "What is going on here – ?"
But Buffy put her hand on his arm to say wait and Simon, ignoring Giles, turned to Paula and demanded, "Paula, you have to choose someone."
She frowned slightly, and added, "Well, I would have to say Tara. I'm sorry, you didn't engage me, really. I didn't feel that connection. You depended on the others to guide you and a star has to hold on her own. Yes, I vote Tara."
Frightened, Tara stammered, "Vote? For w-w-hat? I don't get this!"
Simon, ignoring Tara, turned to the other man and said, "Randy?"
"Yo, guys! Honestly, you guys rocked. I got a great feeling of teamwork and participation. No one was the hero here, just coming together and giving it 110%. But, I can't say you all have what it takes. I agree, Tara, need to work on presence. But I wouldn't dismiss you yet. You have a great voice. I'd like to see more. If anything, I would vote for Willow. Girl, you have no rhythm, no beat."
"What? N-no! I-I have rhythm! I have beat... Come on!" pleaded a flustered Willow.
"Sorry, girl, but you don't. And you're just standing there. You need to entertain us, not expect us to be entertained. Sorry, I vote for Willow. Simon?"
Simon sighed and said, "Ah, up to me, I guess. Now, what word could I use to describe this… this … debauchery? Hmm… I know… how about ghastly?"
"Really? Cool…" said Xander as he grabbed his donut.
Giles rolled his eyes and said, "Xander, that's not good. It means we were horrible."
"Oh."
"Glad one of you is literate," mocked Simon. "How about pathetic? Or maybe tedious? In other words, you all blew it. Just pitching ideas, no sense of direction... Unbelievable. We've raised the bar, people, you can't just expect us to listen to this. You have to work hard. How much practice have you had? You, there!" He pointed down to Xander, who was munching on a donut. "Xander, is it? How much time to you all put into this routine?"
Confused, Xander swallowed and said, "Time? Uh, none... See, it just happened, we were sitting here..."
"Exactly. Eating doughnuts and goofing off? We didn't come all this way for a half-assed audition. We came to offer you an opportunity and you're all messing it up..." cried Simon.
Paula looked at him, exasperated and added, "Simon, you don't like anything. You can't insult your way across America. Now, make your choice."
"Although most of you have no talent, I do see some potential. But off the bat, I'd have to agree with Randy. Willow, you have to be the worst singer of the lot. No range, no power. Sorry, I'm doing America a favor by eliminating you."
Willow stood, staring at him a bit indignantly, and replied, "What? No way! I'm a great singer! You can't do this!"
"Of course I can. You didn't exactly make this hard. You have no talent."
Angered, she cried, "But I do have talent! Give me another chance I'll prove it!"
Simon rolled his eyes and said, as if he had repeated this a million times, "If we gave you a chance, we'd have to give everyone else a chance. We only have so many episodes."
She pleaded, "Please! I can do better! Give me... five minutes. I'll rock, I will!"
"What? So you can go to a voice enhancement spell? Sorry, no amount of magic in the world can make *that* voice even tolerable."
Willow, almost in tears, stalked angrily past her friends into the training room. Buffy looked up at Simon and said, "You're horrible, you know that?!"
Simon only answered patiently, "Yes, so I have heard. Okay, let's get out of here. We have more contestants to see."
The three judges came down from the loft and walked out of the Magic Shoppe. Cutting to the street, they saw a man standing in the street holding a shirt in a dry-cleaning bag. He sang triumphantly,
They got... the mustard... out!
A whole crowd of people were standing in dance formation holding dry-cleaning bags. They did a synchronized dance, waving the clothing around as they repeated,
They got the mustard out!
Paula smiled and clapped politely, nudged Randy and said, "That was absolutely wonderful! See, they got the mustard out!"
"No, I just didn't feel it, you know? The crowd had more feeling," he commented back.
"Ah, yes, and the plight of the condiments is exactly the next single America wants to hear... I'm so disappointed," Simon muttered, shaking his head. "Sorry, you're just not Sunnydale Idol material…"
The judges walked past the forlorn crowd, who were now dragging their dry-cleaning bags on the ground in defeat.
The camera cut back to the Magic Box door, where Ryan was standing by.
"So, the judges have eliminated their first contestant, Willow. Let's go see if she has anything to say about this!" he said, nudging his head to indicate that the cameras should follow him in the magic shop.
The screen cut to Willow's graduation photo. In it, Willow was smiling widely even though the photo was also slightly burnt on the edges as was Buffy's.
Ryan's voice came over and said, "Our first eliminated contestant was Willow Rosenberg. Living in Sunnydale since her childhood, Willow is now a second-year student at Sunnydale University, finishing a major in Psychology."
A montage of Willow's daily routine showed scenes of Willow at college, at home with Buffy and Dawn, hanging out at the Bronze with Tara and Xander.
"During the day, she helps out roommate Buffy and studies hard, but at night..." Ryan's voice faded as the screen cut to a montage of Willow's spells. Her eyes were black as she performed various spells for the camera, floating things, making colored swirls in the air, lighting candles.
"At night, Willow helps out Buffy with her powers as a witch. Performing spells to help combat against the evils of Sunnydale."
A close-up of Willow being interviews had her saying, "I've always been interested in magic, since I met Buffy and got into the secret world of Sunnydale. Our mentor, Giles, helped out so much before and my friends have always been so supportive. Making it big would be great, but if it doesn't happen... well, I have Tara and my friends and my magic. I am happy."
The screen cut back to Ryan who was now standing in the training room beside a huddled Willow who was being consoled by Tara and Xander.
She hiccupped, crying, "He was so mean. He – he said I had no talent!"
Tara patted her gently on the back and consoled her, "Come on, Willow. He doesn't know anything. You have lots of talent."
Willow lifted her head hopefully and said, "I do?"
She didn't see Tara and Xander's averted gazes as Xander agreed, half-heartedly, "Of course you do, Wills! He's just a stupid... uh, demon, maybe?" he volunteered, trying to change the subject.
"Or British!" retorted Buffy. "Stupid English people..." she grumbled.
"Hey!" chided Giles.
"Sorry."
Giles turned to see Ryan listening in to every word and waiting for an opportunity to jump in. "Ahh, the annoying chap. Perhaps we should ask him?"
"Ask me?!" exclaimed Ryan, coming up to them, excitedly. "No! I'm here to ask you! So, what do you all think of the judges' decision?"
"I think he's stupid," claimed Buffy. "Will's got lots of talent... and rhythm... and beat!" she insisted.
"YEAH!" cheered Xander.
But Anya turned to Ryan and asked, hopefully, "But then again, the rest of us now have a better chance to win, right?"
"Anya!" admonished Tara.
"What?" she exclaimed at them. "It's true, right?" she asked Ryan.
"Right you are! With one contestant down and seven left, you all have a better chance in the next rounds," he explained.
"So, this is like some game show?" Giles asked, thinking out loud.
Ryan laughed, "Game show?! Funny." He turned to the camera and said, "Well, we have to break for commercial now, but when we come back, amazing solos and we'll meet our other contestants when Sunnydale Idol continues! Stay tuned…"
