Chapter 6: I'll Never Tell
The show faded back in to show Ryan standing outside Xander's apartment complex.
"All right! Now, it's time to judge our next two contestants. Normally, we would have liked to evaluate each separately..."
Ryan glanced at the complex and a voiceover of Xander's said, "You want some breakfast, baby?"
Ryan looked back at the camera and said, "But these two never seem to be apart! So, together performing a duet... our next two contestants, Xander and Anya!"
The screen cut to a shot of Xander's graduation photo. In it, he was making a weird face in the picture, a cross between a yawn and a frown. The photo was also slightly singed on the edges and there was a hole just above his right eye.
"The first of these two is Xander Harris. He is Buffy's and Willow's best friend and has also lived in Sunnydale all his life," said Ryan in a voiceover. A montage showed scenes of Xander at the construction site, at home with Anya, lounging at the Magic Box with Buffy and Dawn.
"Xander never went to college, choosing to begin work as a successful contractor. He met current fiancée, Anya, in high school and two plan marry in the summer."
"I'd love to be famous," Xander said to the camera in a close-up. "I mean, who wouldn't? All those people, all there for you? Yeah, it would be great."
The screen cut to a photo of Anya who was wearing a revealing red dress, posing sexily for the camera. "Xander's fiancée, Anya is the other contestant," Ryan explained as they roll a similar montage of Anya's daily life, showing scenes of her counting money at the Magic Shoppe, harassing a client, arguing with Xander.
"At first glance, she looks like a beautiful woman, a successful sales clerk of the local magic shop, but in reality..." Ryan trailed as the montage shows scenes of Anya's acts as a vengeance demon, namely Anya's distorted demonic face as she cursed someone, men fleeing from her, Anya surrounded by dead bodies. "...Anya used to be a thousand-year-old vengeance demon, who avenged women by cursing men to horrific deaths."
The screen cut quickly to show Ryan, shivering in mock fright then to Anya's interview close-up as she said defensively, "Well, they deserved it. They were pigs. Not like my Xander." Then she smiled brightly and added, "But if I had to choose... yes, I rather be a rock star. They make lots more money and everyone would love me."
The scene faded out and into Xander's bedroom where he and Anya were still in bed.
"You don't have to go to work?" she asked, responding to his earlier question.
"Nah, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys start dancing around me, I don't know if I can deal. It's a flab thing. So, waffles?"
"Will you still make me waffles when we're married?" she asked coyly.
"No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them," he joked as he kissed her. "Hey, how about omelettes? I could do an omelette. I've almost got that – "
Xander continued talking unintelligibly as Anya sat up and began to sing to the camera.
This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine!
But I'm out of the biz
The name I made, I'll trade for his
The only trouble is (she paused and shook her head)
I'll never tell.
Anya got up and walked off. Xander sat up in bed and sang to the camera.
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace.
Anya returned and sat beside him to put on her slippers while Xander fondled her knee.
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight – (he caught himself)
Embrace! Tight embrace! (he hugged her)
I'll never let her go (Anya put her slippers on)
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that – no.
I'll never tell.
They both joined together to sing,
'Cause there's nothing to tell.
The two of them left the bedroom, emerging into the living room as the music changed.
They alternately began to sing lines to each other,
Anya: He snores.
Xander: She wheezes.
Anya: Say 'housework' and he freezes.
Xander (opening the fridge): She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe.
Xander picked up a green cheese, sniffed it and made an 'ew' face.
Anya: I talk, he breezes.
Xander: She doesn't know what pleases.
Anya: His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!
Xander looked annoyed and closed the fridge.
Both: The vibe gets kind of scary
Xander: Like she thinks I'm ordinary
Anya: Like it's all just temporary
Xander: Like her toes are kind of hairy
They gave each other fake smiles and sang together,
But it's all very well
'Cause God knows, I'll never tell!
Xander opened the newspaper. The headline on the front page read: SUNNYDALE IDOL: ARE YOU AMERICA'S NEXT SUPERSTAR?
Anya sat at the other end of the table and sang,
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Buffy! (Xander gave her a look)
Now look, he's getting huffy
'Cause he knows that I know.
Xander added, singing,
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She nev –
Anya interrupted and sang,
His eyes are beady!
Annoyed, Xander exclaimed,
This is my verse, hello!
She –
Anya began to dance in flapper style and said, "Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!"
Xander joined the dance and they danced together around the apartment as they both sang,
You know...
Xander: You're quite the charmer.
Anya: My knight in armor.
Xander sang,
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm yet supple – (he catches himself again)
Tight embrace!
They resumed dancing, then went to opposite sides of the dining room table and sat.
Anya: He's swell...
Xander: She's sweller...
Anya: He'll always be my feller...
Xander: That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified.
Anya looked anxiously as she added,
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide.
They got up and crawled across the table toward each other as they both sang,
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I can't quell
They sat with their backs pressed against each other.
Xander: Is she looking for a pot of gold?
Anya: Will I look good when I've gotten old?
Xander: Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
Anya: When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?
They got up and resumed dancing.
Xander: Am I crazy?
Anya: Am I dreamin'?
Xander: Am I marrying a demon?
They joined in together and sang
We could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!
So, thank god, I'll never tell!
I swear that I'll never tell!
They walked around the table then towards the couches in the living-room area.
Xander: My lips are sealed...
Anya: I take the Fifth...
Xander: Nothing to see... Move it along...
Both: I'll never... tell!
They both fell back onto the sofa, clutching each other and laughing hysterically.
The camera cut to the kitchen doorway and the three judges walked into the living room and sat at the dining room table, facing the pair. Anya clutched Xander's arm in either fear or nervousness.
"Let's cut to chase, shall we?" Simon said. "Randy."
Randy nodded. "I liked it. It was quick, fast-paced, exciting," Turning to Xander, he added, "But dog, you gotta lose the pajamas. The Hugh Hefner look, not your strength, okay? And please! You gotta know the words! Twice you screwed up. Naw, man, just didn't cut it. But I like the dancing and Anya's got a great sense of timing. I vote for Anya."
Anya clapped and cheered, "Really?! Oh, yea! I did it!"
Xander absently fingered his robe and muttered, "But I just got up..."
Simon raised his hand and Anya stopped clapping. "Not so fast. Paula?"
"Oh, gosh," smiled Paula. "You were good, but you know… I didn't like how Anya kept stealing the attention from poor Xander. She interrupted him twice and insulted him... A true Idol knows to share. Besides, Anya hasn't really impressed me much over the last two performances. Xander, though, has this presence, you know? I vote for Xander. Simon?"
Simon heaved a big sigh and ran his fingers in his hair. "Where to even start? What can I say? Don't take this the wrong way but, I think the demon was wrong to say Sunnydale had talent. Dismal, really. No preparation. The look's wrong; half the time, you weren't even singing... ahh, why are we even bothering if none of you will put any effort into it?"
Randy shook his head as if he expected that and said, "G, you gotta choose someone."
Reluctantly, he said, "Pfft! All right. I suppose the lesser of two evils would be Anya. But only because she used to *be* evil. Now, can we get out of here?"
Paula and Randy shrugged and followed Simon out of the apartment as Anya bounced up in joy. The screen cut to Ryan, who was standing by the door, waiting to interview the contestants.
"Well, the judges have decided and it's Anya off to the next round! Let's get some reactions." He turned to Xander and asked, "Xander, what do you think of the judges' decisions? Disappointed? Angry?"
But Xander was still fingering his robe in dismay, saying, "Was I supposed to sleep in an outfit? I mean, I just woke up... I can't believe – "
"Oookay," Ryan said, raising his eyebrows and turning away from Xander to Anya. "So...! You're going to the next round! What do you think?"
"I'm so excited! I mean, I know I'm a great performer and well…hot," she added, sheepishly, looking down at her red teddy. "but to actually get to win! I can't believe it!" she crowed, jumping up and down.
"It's not over yet, though. You still have six other contestants to beat. What do you think about your chances?" he asked.
Anya scoffed, "Who? Giles? He's old... and Dawn whines. Buffy's not so great and Tara's a priss. Trust me, this is in the bag!"
"Ooh! What confidence! Well, we'll just have to see if the judges agree. When we come back, more performances and we'll meet our newest entries. Stay tuned!" He turned to Anya whom he was hugging about the waist as she waved frantically to the cameras. "I love my job!" he cried, smiling.
The camera panned to Xander, who was oblivious to everything, on the side, as he looked at himself in the mirror in disbelief, still muttering to himself.
The screen faded out to commercial.
