AGAINST DESTINY
Chapter Six : Confrontation
Buffy was happy. At least she thought she should be. Her relationship with Dawn was back to normal. They were on good terms again. She had a stable job and bills weren't a problem anymore. But the best of all was that she had finally snapped out of her gloomy act. She got her fire back and returned to being 'normal' Buffy.
It was funny and strange. Her sister, friends, and her 'ex-boyfriend', Spike, did everything they could to support her and help her deal with the whole 'I-was-ripped-out-of-heaven' thing. But it was Joyce all along, from her hallucinated world, who managed to penetrate her with her comforting words.
"Buffy, fight it! You can beat this thing. You're too good to give up. Be strong, honey. I know you're afraid. I know the world feels like a hard place sometimes, but you've got people that love you. Your dad and I, we have all the faith in the world in you. We'll always be with you. There's a world of strength in your heart, honey. I know there is. You just have to find it again. Believe in yourself."
Everything was perfect until Spike had to go and cast a numbing spell on himself. She remembered every single syllable of his speech and his words still hurt and burned deeply. Buffy felt like her insides were eaten away by acid and her heart ripped out by a rusty blade.
She mentally berated herself for being in a world of pain. She knew Spike would just hurt her in the end like Angel and Riley did. She knew that people would abandon her if she opened up to them. She hadn't plan on letting the peroxide blond into her life but somehow, the persistent Ex-Vampire managed to get past her barriers and make a place in her heart and mind.
"But I'm in your system now. You're going to crave me like I crave blood. And the next time you come calling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you."
But, really, she tried to push him away. She used every excuse she could and threw them at his face. She kept telling herself that he was an 'Evil soulless thing' that can't love. She kept telling herself that she just used him for sex. But she knew deep down that wasn't true.
"I love... no, just feel. I feel for Spike," Buffy tried to convince herself but a tiny voice in her head told her that was a filthy lie.
It was easier to admit that she just used him for pleasure than accept the fact that she did love him. But what if she did say that she loved him? It was only a matter of time before he up and left like his father, Angel, and Riley, right? There was no tiny voice to interrupt this time. As much as she hated it, she knew this case was different. She left him, simple as that. Her accusations of the love that he felt for her wasn't real finally pushed him away. Now, she had no one.
"Only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, Pet! You got no one else!"
She had no one to comfort her, love her, listen to her, make her feel safe and happy. Dawn and her friends couldn't provide that. They couldn't fill that empty void within her heart and soul. Only Spike could. She realized that now but he was gone.
Buffy let out a heavy sigh and felt like breaking down into tears and sobs right in the middle of the sidewalk. The blonde woman paused and took a moment to compose herself. She couldn't cry now. She had to be strong for herself, her sister, her friends, for the world. If she started now, she wouldn't be able to stop. What kind of leader would she be then?
The Slayer rounded a corner and decided to take an early morning walk. Maybe it would ease some of her pain or take her mind off of the peroxide blond man. She then stopped abruptly when she noticed she was in front of a very familiar clothing store. She put one hand on the glass window and stared at the white wedding dress on the display.
"Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on Earth."
A small, sad smile crept on her lips as the dress brought back good memories. Sure, they were under Willow's spell but she and Spike were happy back then, very, truly happy. They weren't Vampire and Slayer at that time. With their differences cast aside, they were just a young, happy, simple couple that couldn't wait to get married. Why couldn't things between her and Spike be simple? Why did it always have to be complicated, painful, confusing?
Buffy gave the dress a final glance and resumed her walk. After ten minutes, she passed by a church and another Spike related memory percolated through her brain.
"Well, first thing, I'd say we're NOT having a church wedding."
They had a small argument about where the wedding should take place. The argument was nothing serious, really, it was just a playful one. She missed those verbal wars, the battle of wits, a contest to see who could come up with the most clever and quick retorts.
Buffy shook her head in irritation. Her little walk wasn't working. She needed a new plan. Luckily, the Double Meat Palace was just across street. Maybe she should just eat her sorrows away, get really fat, and die from too much fast food cholesterol. The idea seemed appealing for the time being so she crossed the street to get something to eat but froze on her tracks when she remembered Spike's first visit in her workplace.
"You're not happy here. You don't belong here. You're something... You're better than this."
He was right. She was the Slayer, the Chosen One, the saviour of the world. Someone like her who had sacrificed so much in life deserved a better job than flipping burgers and getting all greasy. But she needed the money. He had offered to help but she pushed him away like she always did whenever he wasn't convenient.
The Slayer quickly turned around and ran away in frustration. She was headed for the cemetery. She had to kill something. She wanted to kill something, anything. Fighting always made her forget about the rest of the world whenever the adrenaline rushed through her veins. But not this time as she spotted a familiar crypt ahead of her.
"I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I'd done that ... even if I didn't make it, you wouldn't've had to jump. But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways... Every night I save you."
Buffy stopped running and felt her heart sank. His sapphire blue eyes were so full of love and adoration when he said those words. Now, it was quite the opposite. He had also stopped calling her 'Love', 'Pet', and even 'Buffy'. He only acknowledged her now as 'Slayer'. Was that what she was to him now? She wasn't a woman to him anymore but just someone who pranced around during the night and killed demons? The thought of it made her stomach churn and twist.
The blonde woman let out a frustrated groan, stomped her right foot, and had the urge to pull her hair out. Spike, Spike, Spike! Everywhere she turned, he was there with those cheekbones, the slicked back peroxide blond hair, those sapphire blue eyes, that smirk, the washboard abs, the black clothes, and the whole cocky, confident, badass attitude. Every little corner of Sunnydale somehow reminded her of Spike. It felt like he was haunting her.
Her head spun uncontrollably as she couldn't get the British man out of her head. In an angry, frustrated, confused huff, she whirled around and went home.
Buffy entered the Summers household quietly and plopped down on the couch. She grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned the TV on. However, much to her dismay, even the sofa brought back another Spike associated event.
"Hundred forty seven days yesterday... um, one forty eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it?"
With an exasperated growl, she stood up and shut the TV off. She then heard a sound coming from the kitchen and decided to investigate. She found Dawn at the kitchen island with a bowl of mixed cereals.
"Hey Dawnie. Hungry much?" Buffy greeted with a smile.
"Hey yourself," Dawn replied warmly. "Yeah, I got hungry so here I am."
"It's three in the morning."
"I've decided to redefine 'early breakfast'," the Key said. "So, did you and Spike kill the Voodoo person?"
Buffy tensed at the mention of Spike's name and just stared at her little sister. It was probably because of the Ex-Vampire that Dawn was alive. If Spike had told Glory who the Key was, maybe Dawn wouldn't be sitting in front of her and eating cereals.
"Buffy... the other… the not so pleasant Buffy. If anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live with her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."
"Buffy? Hello?" Dawn called out while she waved a hand in the Slayer's face.
The blonde woman snapped out of her reverie and frowned. "W-what? Did you say something?"
"I said 'did you kill that Voodoo thing'?" The Key looked slightly annoyed for being ignored but her face softened a bit after. "Are you okay? Did you hit your head or something?"
"Yeah... we killed it. It's gone now. No more dancing Xander... and I'm okay. Just tired. Really tired. I'm going to bed," Buffy babbled and turned around to leave.
"Okay. Night Buffy," Dawn told her but received no response. The older Summers sister just headed for her room silently.
Buffy paused half way through the stairs and felt her heart clench.
"I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man..."
"But I do lov... didn't treat you like a man. I treated you like a thing. I'm the monster..." she whispered to herself sadly and climbed the rest of the steps.
The Slayer went into her room and immediately lay down. She got under the covers and willed herself to go to sleep. Maybe she would get some peace in her slumber.
***
Buffy woke up from her sleep after having dreamt of Spike. She sat up and growled in exasperation. She looked at her clock and it read 10:30 AM Today was her day off and she could sleep in but decided against it no matter how tired she was from last night's Voodoo hunt and her little talk with Spike.
She then got out of bed, grabbed some clean clothes, and headed for the bathroom to shower. A few minutes later, she emerged out of the bathroom, feeling a bit refreshed but still heart broken. She went down to the kitchen to find Tara chopping up vegetables on the counter.
"Morning Buffy," Tara greeted while she diced red peppers.
"Hey..." Buffy replied weakly. She took a seat on the island and watched the Witch cut vegetables into itty bitty pieces.
Tara noticed her friend's somewhat depressing mood no matter how hard she tried to cover it up. "Is everything okay with you, Buffy? You look so... so..." she trailed off as she couldn't find the right word to voice her thought.
"Miserable?" Buffy proposed.
"I was going to say exhausted. But, yeah, you look miserable. What's wrong?" Tara asked with genuine concern and took a seat next to her.
The Slayer was torn between telling and not telling the Witch about her problem. She didn't really want to dwell on last night's events. But then again, maybe she would feel better if she talked with Tara. After all, she knew about her and Spike and didn't hold any grudges against the Ex-Vampire. She might be able to understand and help out in her little situation.
"I-it's... it's nothing really..." Buffy lied but Tara didn't looked convinced. "Are Willow and Dawn around?"
"N-no. They left for school," Tara supplied, worried now. "B-Buffy... I won't tell anyone."
She looked away from the Witch. "It's about Spike."
The Wiccan almost flinched at the mention of the peroxide blond's name. "Did he try to hurt you? What did he do?"
Buffy faced her friend and shook her head slowly as the tears she had been holding back finally escaped her eyes. "He... Spike... doesn't love me anymore."
Tara wasn't sure she heard her right. "What?!"
"He doesn't love me anymore," she repeated sadly. "He used a spell on himself."
The Witch didn't really know what to say. Aside from the fact that Spike and Buffy had been sleeping together, she didn't know anything else. Buffy had skipped the parts where she treated Spike like garbage and beat him up in the alley. "W-why would he do that? I thought he really loved you. He didn't find someone else, did he?"
"No..." Buffy choked out. "I... I..." She couldn't do it. She couldn't tell Tara what a bitch she had been. She was afraid of what the Witch would think of her and how she would look at her. Would Tara still see her in the same light?
The Wiccan put a hand on her arm and gave it a comforting pat. "Buffy... please tell me. I-I could help you."
Buffy covered her face with her hands and broke down into sobs and little hiccuping noises as her barriers came down. "Oh God... how could I do that to him... I... Spike... I've been such a..."
Tara got off her seat and hugged the weeping girl. "Sweetie, I... it'll be okay. I'll help you. But you have to tell me everything," she said soothingly as she stroke the Slayer's back to calm her down.
Buffy placed her head on Tara's shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably. "Don't forgive me... please... don't forgive me..."
***
"I win!" Darius declared happily as he loomed over a fallen Spike.
The two had spent most of the morning sparring in the crypt's basement. For the first time, the Demoner had finally defeated the Ex-Vampire though it was no easy victory.
Spike stood up and brushed the dust off of his black shirt. "You only won 'cause you had help," he said matter of factly and pointed at the green, dog size spider creature behind the eighteen year old.
"You said you wanted a better challenge so I decided to fight with my pet. Besides, you're lucky the Grimslaw Demon didn't rip your heart out," Darius countered and unsummoned the arachnid.
"Like it had the chance," Spike snorted.
"Spike! Anyone home? Spike!" a voice suddenly called out from above.
The Ex-vampire frowned. "What's she doing here?" he muttered to himself and climbed up the ladder.
"I wonder who's the guest..." Darius whispered to himself and went over to the other side of the room where his duster lay.
He picked up the leather coat from the floor and then noticed a piece of paper beside Spike's stone chest. Curious, he stalked forward, took the paper in his hands, and read whatever was written on it.
"It's a poem. Did he write this?" he told himself and raised an eyebrow. He then smiled mischievously, folded the paper in half, and shoved it into his duster's inner pocket. "Interesting..."
***
"Glinda! What a pleasant surprise! Haven't stopped by since... never," Spike said in a faked welcoming tone when he saw Tara by the door. "What can Spike do for you? Slayer and the Crack Team get into trouble already?"
Tara just stood still, not really sure how to confront the Ex-Vampire in his own home.
The peroxide blond waved his hand at the couch. "Please do take a seat. You'd be more comfortable."
The Witch smiled despite her nervousness. "Thanks," she told him gratefully and sat down on the sofa.
Spike made himself comfortable in the armchair. "So, what brings you here? Slayer need something or did you want to talk about the latest dirty scoop on Martha Stewart?"
"I-it's Buffy..." Tara answered in a small voice.
The Ex-Vampire lost his cocky bravado and went into serious mode. "Yeah? What about Bitchy the Vampire Slayer?"
"S-Spike... Buffy... s-she's hurt... you hurt her..." the Wiccan sputtered.
The peroxide blond stood up from his chair angrily and eyed her menacingly. "Is that it?!!" he barked. "Slayer's in pain and you come here to blame it on me?!!" He scoffed and began to pace around while he shot Tara a glare every now and then.
"But that's not new, is it?!" he hissed. "You bloody lot always come to me for help. But when there's something wrong and you can't figure it out, you just bust in here and play a round of Kick-The-Spike!!"
He stopped pacing momentarily and faced the Witch. He put his hands on the sides of his face and faked a look of surprise. "Looky, there's a spy camera in our lawn! Who could've done this? Ooh, I know! It must be Spike!! He's Evil. He's soulless. He has no life. It must be him!!" he said sarcastically and resumed his pacing. "I swear... I don't even know why I put up with you humans."
"Spike! J-just listen!" Tara snapped. She was usually a calm and timid person but the Ex-Vampire had worn down her patience quickly than she thought possible.
Spike smirked at her outburst. But before he could say anything, Darius emerged out of the trap door and looked sheepish.
"I think I better be going now. Hate to interrupt the picnic," the Demoner announced and noticed that Tara had been staring at him curiously. He avoided her gaze and looked defensive. "What?! What are you looking at?"
Tara shook her head quickly. "N-nothing."
"Well, later Spike," Darius nodded and left the crypt.
"So, Glinda, what were you going to tell me? I'm all ears," he said coolly.
"Buffy," Tara began and took a deep breath. "She told me EVERYTHING about you two... and about that spell you used on yourself. You... that really hurt her. She's in a lot of pain, Spike."
"So, what do you want me to do?! Rub a magic lamp and wish that'd everything be okay?" He chuckled bitterly. "I got news for you, Glinda. That spell I used on m'self? It can't be reversed!"
She refused to believe that. Despite the fact that their relationship was over, Tara knew that Buffy still had feelings for Spike, very strong feelings. It would break her friend's heart even more if she knew that the spell couldn't be undone. "N-no! There's got to be a way."
"There isn't. Tried to undo the mojo m'self. It didn't work."
"But what about Buffy? She's just crushed, Spike. You have no idea how miserable she is," she reasoned out.
"What about me?!" he snarled. "This is what she wanted. I did this on m'self because she wanted it! Everything.... everything I did was for her, all for her. So don't come barging in here and ask me to fix it because this is her fault. She started this." He grinned evilly. "Come to think of it, this is your fault too! If you lot hadn't brought her back to life, she wouldn't be here, in Hell, suffering... in pain. I wouldn't be in pain. Am I right?"
Tara winced and turned her gaze away from him. He was right. This was her, Willow's, Xander's, and Anya's mess to begin with. She shot him a guilty look and stood up. She knew she wouldn't be able to convince Spike to talk with Buffy. Without a word, she left the crypt quietly.
Spike let out a frustrated roar. Him and the Slayer maybe over but the girl was still a pain. How could he completely move on if she hovered around and asked for his help? How could he move on if he was attracted to her? Sure, he didn't love her anymore but that could change quickly. It took him every ounce of his will power to keep himself from making moon eyes at her and checking out every curve of her body the previous night. And then there were also memories of the blissful nights he had shared with Buffy, which haunted him to no end if his dark past didn't. The crypt and the graveyard themselves were filled with countless of Buffy related events.
Spike knew he couldn't move on in his current situation. He then went down to the lower level of his crypt and started to pack his things. He was leaving.
