The Footballer's Bible

Rose G

A Holy Book that was collaborated on by many football players, fans and even a manager in an attempt to instruct the new convert. First rule - Thou shalt learn the words to 'Three Lions on a Shirt.'

The Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt support no team but your team for you own safety.

2. Thou shalt not make idols of your teams players - they often leave.

3.Thou shalt not misuse the name of God - do not make the obvious jokes about the FA.

4. Keep the Sabbath Holy - do no work on Saturdays from 3.00pm onwards.

5. Thou shalt honour ones parents - remember the club founders.

6. Thou shalt not murder - referees are excluded from this.

7. Do not commit adultery - have only one club.

8. Do not steal - unless under the Bosman ruling.

9. Do not lie - the age of goalkeepers can always be found out.

10. Do not covert other teams players - just sign them up.

The Creation Myth

One time, a long long time ago, there was a battle on English soil. Depending on which town or city this tale is told in, the location of this battle varies. However, all sources agree that it was a fight between the English and the Germans, excepting for those around White Hart Lane, who insist that it was between them and the inhabitants of Highbury.

Naturally, the English - or Highburians - won this mighty battle, and decided to celebrate in style. Having relieved the offending German leader of his head, they decided to place it on top of a specially built white tower in London. However, no one wanted to pick up this object, so it was decided to kick it into place.

Not unsurprisingly, the others tried to prevent this, and their unfair tackles led to the first sending off during a football match, as one of them was impaled on a flag (which was to become the first corner flag ). This was the first match between the Three Lions of England, so called because - well, we don't really know, and the Germans, and was won one-nil when the offending head was kicked into Wembly.

This was followed by a drinking party, during which some of the greatest football chants ever known were written - 'What a load of rubbish' and 'Glory, glory.' Having therefore created the greatest game known to man, and ensured their countries place amongst the greatest in the world, the first team decided to travel to Germany and arrange a second leg.