Slow Good-Byes, Silent Hellos

By Annie

2003-03-02

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Buffy thought she was about to snap the railing like a twig between her fingers as she struggled to keep herself on both feet. The shock was pulling back and with it came a weakness she had never experienced before. Resting her eyes in his was as bittersweet as any moment can be, only this moment stretched out into a minute and there was nothing the Slayer could do to stop it from expanding.

She was lost and the subtle confusion poured into her like fine threads of blue silk as they stemmed from his gaze, and the thousand emotions she saw it reflect.

Dawn looked from her sister to the vampire and then back again. The air was positively quivering with unspoken words, with questions and with the searching for answers. Couldn't one of them please put an end to it?

Spike felt his whole spirit come alive and thank him for giving it what it needed...

At the thought, however, he drew a small breath and knew he couldn't stay. It was too dangerous. He'd be trapped for good this time. In her.

She was still staring at him, and she could see the slow change in his posture. She could see that he was getting ready to once more just disappear and a wave of panic rose through her with a speed that almost made her knees buckle.

"W-When did you come back?" she asked in order to stop him, voice wavering as she was still fighting back the rumble of emotions inside of her.

"A minute ago," he replied. "I have to..." he added, making a small wave toward the door as he started the sentence, which she cut off by asking:

"Why did you come here?" and taking one step down, her hand sliding down the railing to then grip it just as tightly again.

She was scared. Scared of him and of herself and of what surrounded them right then and there, and with that fear came the only defense she had against it - nonchalance supplied by thinking of all those times he had done something which had caused her more harm than good.

Spike hesitated, meeting her gaze and seeing only a trace of wondering annoyance in them - the overlapping questions seemed to push most of it aside and he still didn't know how to answer her.

"That was me," Dawn did it for him and Buffy furrowed her brow questioningly as she turned her head to her sister. "I wrote him," the younger added.

"You wrote him?" Buffy repeated, disbelievingly. "How on earth did you get a letter to reach someone you had absolutely no clue how to find?"

Dawn smiled a small smile.

"Well...Willow helped with that," she replied.

"Oh," Buffy said, blinking and moving her gaze from Dawn's, feeling too insecure to let it rest in his again she let it stop on a spot at the last step of the stairs. "So...why did you write him?" she finally asked, raising her head to look at Dawn once more.

"She was worried," Spike was the one to answer her this time and Buffy slowly looked at him. "About you," he added.

"Why?" she wondered quietly.

"Because I can see when you're ill," Dawn stated, though Buffy kept her eyes in the vampire's as the teen continued: "'Cause it started when he left. I thought if you could just see him, then..."

"'Then' what?" Buffy interrupted, her gaze suddenly growing close to challenging as she held Spike's, taking a step down she finished: "He'd fix me? Did you really think you could come here and just make everything...?" she trailed off, her eyes suddenly shifting into an expression of pain before she took the last step and let the railing go.

"I knew something was wrong," he replied carefully. "But I didn't know... didn't know..." he trailed off, shaking his head slightly. "I shouldn't have come... should I?"

She swallowed, biting her jaws together as she arranged her face as uncaring as she possibly could get it before replying:

"Why the hell are you asking me? It's not like I could've stopped you." He could hear the building accusations clearly and he prepared himself to take whatever she had to throw at him. She continued, voice growing just a bit louder: "You just come and go as you please. That's what you've always done, isn't it? It's not like I'm surprised or anything. It's not like I was expecting you to stay away this time. I knew you'd come back! It's your pattern. It's your thing!"

"Buffy," Dawn tried and now Buffy turned her head to her sister with an imaptient scowl.

"Stay out of this," she warned. "You've done enough."

Dawn stared at her, then looked at Spike before moving and running up the stairs.

"That was uncalled for, Slayer," Spike grumbled and she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Why are you still here?" she demanded, her face now cut in stone and her eyes cold.

"You want me to leave?"

"Yes, I want you to leave," she spat and he cocked an eyebrow before nodding.

"You're right," he said as he placed his hand on the knob. "I've been repeating this pattern for way too long. Time to break it."

Something inside of him was aching with grief as he came to the realization of the fact that he was resting his eyes on her for the very last time.

She blinked, for a moment looking as though she was about to say something more, but then she merely gave a small nod before unfolding her arms and turning around. Taking three steps up on the stairs the sound of the knob turning and the door sliding open made her pause. Her heart slowed beneath her breast and she suddenly had to fight for breath.

She swirled around and the room began to twirl.

Spike looked back at her just as she lost her balance and he moved the next second, catching her before she fell and prompting her up against him as her hands rested on his shoulders. She looked up at him with am expression he almost would have wanted to lable pleading, her eyes glazed, and then her head bopped forward against his chest as she fainted.

He lifted her cautiously and carried her with him into the living room where he turned to face the couch and then bent down to place her on it, but her hands had slid up and locked together behind his neck as he lifted her up into his arms and now they wouldn't let him go.

Finally he gave up and simply turned around again to sit down himself, taking her onto his lap as he still held her and her head fell against his shoulder.

Moving his right arm, which he had had positioned under her bent knees, he put his right hand up to brush her hair gently away from her face. Then he caught himself and shook his head a little as he moved the hand away. He had no right.

Buffy slowly swam up through the darkness and the first thing she felt was the leather of his duster beneath her cheek and the fact that the short, bleached strands of his hair in his neck scraped against her index fingers. She curled herself up and unlocked her fingers to slide her arms up around his neck. Nestling her face against his throat she inhaled.

Spike blinked, then carefully held her to him.

"Buffy," he mumbled. "You okay?"

She had no real idea as to why the feeling suddenly overwhelmed her at that particular moment, but as the soothing sound of his voice hit her ears with all its concern and honest caring an uncontrollable sob rose out of her throat and the tears filled her eyes with no second thought.

She pressed herself to him as she began to cry and her body was shaking as she cried hard, holding him tight. He didn't know what to do, or how to comfort her. At a complete loss he simply held her back, stroking one hand over her back and then up to her neck to bury it in her blonde locks.

For a long time they just sat like that, the sobs kept on sending trembles through her body and he closed his eyes, praying that she wasn't having some sort of break down.

She slowly began to grow calmer, and after a few more minutes she was merely sniffling, drawing an unsteady breath and then pulling back to look up at him.

He couldn't help but move one hand up to brush carefully at her tears, sliding his thumb over first her left cheek and then her right before he smiled almost unnoticably, moving it back to support her frame and placing it by the small of her back.

"You all right?" he asked again, voice low and soft and she blinked at a few lingering droplets before she nodded slowly.

Her right arm was practically wrapped around his shoulders and her left hand was by her right hand, resting by the side of his throat. Her fingers fidgited slightly with the hem of his duster and they kept sending small, pleasurable shivers down his spine.

Their noses were almost touching and their eyes unable to release the other's.

"You sure?" he wondered and she nodded once more. "Do you wanna tell me what that was all about?" he inquired now and she shook her head a little as response, her eyes growing slightly wider.

Then her face suddenly softened and she wrapped her arms around him again before resting her forehead against the place of his collarbone.

"Please, don't ask," she murmured. "Just sit here with me for a little while longer."

How could he question that? All he wanted was to just sit there with her for a little while longer and as silence spun its web around them he closed his eyes again.

If only I didn't have to go, he thought mournfully to himself, holding her closer. But no matter how incredible this feeling is, nothing's changed. Nothing's changed at all.

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Wow. Thanks a lot for your great responses to this! I'm really happy about all the reviews I've gotten and I hope you liked this installment as well. :) Thanks so much to Tinks, Cate, Mia, albie, wolf116, lw, emo, Barbara, Johanna, Haley ;), kim, PineTranio (!hi!), wendy and Ivy - this load of encouragement was SO nice!

For buffyisawhore - to some extent I fully agree, because what she did to Spike was just plain whoreish and she deserves no credit for it. Could she for one split second get off Self Centered Rock and see the huge big picture of how the world actually works, if she could OPEN her mind up to the POSSIBILITIES instead of keeping it as narrow as the jack in ass - then perhaps things would've been different. However, I don't think any writer appreciates a reader exclusively reviewing to promote a personal oppinion rather than one on what was written. I'd like to say Bad Form and please, do not repeat it - all right? Thank you.

Sorry this chapter was more late then the previous two, but I've been away all weekend.

Again, please, if you would like a fourth installment on this let me know. Otherwise this is how it ends.

A.M.L, Annie.