"What?" I asked for the umteenth time. All the way home, Faith kept
chuckling. Not out and out laughing, she was doing it under her breath. It
was soft enough that I thought she was trying to hide it from me but loud
enough that I knew she wasn't trying to hide it.
"I was just thinking about you and Kim and Alex," she said before she started laughing again. "You should have seen yourself. It was like some comedy skit on one of those comedy shows on TV."
"I'm glad you enjoyed that," I said sarcastically but not really meaning it that way.
"You know it almost looked like you weren't really fighting them off. Tell me the truth, you liked having two women jump you didn't you Bos?"
"I don't believe you just asked me that," I mumbled under my breath.
"Yeah and I noticed you didn't deny it," she continued, glancing at me several times. "Is that how it was that time with you and Kim?"
"Me and Kim?"
"Yeah that time the two of you came close to hooking up in your car?"
"Do we have to talk about this?"
"I guess not," she said with a shrug. "We could always talk about how old you were the first time you hooked up with a girl."
"Why do you want to know that?" I asked glancing over at her as we sat stopped at a red light. "I mean is it a 'I want to know' or a 'I need to know' type of thing?"
"I'm just curious?"
"Make you a deal," I offered. "I'll answer your question is you answer one of mine."
"What could you possibly have to ask me?" she replied, trying to read my thoughts.
"Deal?" I asked, not sharing any more details.
"Fine.deal." she conceded, looking over at me as we pulled up in front of her apartment building.
"What?" I asked
"You go first."
"What is this, first grade?" I asked getting a glare from Faith. "Can we go inside or do I have to sit here and discuss my sex life in the car?"
"Never bothered you before."
Okay so she had me there. I had no idea how many times I'd discussed my sex life in the RMP sitting right beside Faith, just as we were now. She ignored my question, instead grabbing her bag and heading for the front entrance. I followed Faith into her apartment. She flipped on a couple lights before taking a seat on the couch.
"Nineteen." I replied not seeing the point as to why I should wait for her to ask again.
'Nineteen? Nineteen? Nine-teen?"
What the hell was I thinking? I was already regretting this. I should have just lied to her and told her my first time was when I was fourteen or something.
"When I was nineteen," she replied with a laugh, "I was married and had Emily."
"Yeah so."
"I just can't believe you didn't have sex 'til you were nineteen."
"Like I said. I had a lot of time to make up for."
"Uh huh.I'm sure you and Nicole are working hard on remedying that."
"So how bout answering my question now?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Sure thing Bos," Faith replied. "Only my life isn't as adventurous as yours."
I took a seat on the coffee table across from Faith, I knew what I wanted to ask, I just wasn't sure how to say it. I reached out to her, taking her hands in mine.
"You're not going to ask me to marry you are you Bos?" she asked. I smiled, not really knowing how to answer her question. Instead I tried to focus on what I wanted to ask.
"Is that a possibility? Getting married I mean?" Faith looked at me with a curious look. I wasn't sure she was following what I was saying. I released her right hand, turning her left one in mine. I gently touched her hand, paying special attention to the place where she used to wear a wedding ring. Her eyes met mine, reading my thoughts.
"When'd you figure it out?" she asked.
"I'd suspected something was up for a while," I explained. "I wasn't sure 'til today. After that domestic call, it suddenly hit me. You weren't wearing a ring."
"I know I should have told you. There was just so much going on.the whole Cruz situation and all."
"Hey, don't apologize," I replied, letting her off the hook.
"Bos, I wanted to tell you, really I did. I just.I.it just never seemed like the right time."
"I don't think there is a right time Faith," I replied. I knew this had to be hard for her. I debated how to proceed. On one hand, I didn't want her clamming up on me but I didn't want to upset her either.
"That night you fell asleep here.on my couch," she replied gesturing to where she was sitting. "I went to court that day.you falling asleep here was no big deal.I mean it was no big deal anyway.it's just that on that particular day, I became a single girl."
"You're divorced?" I asked, not believing what Faith was telling me. I mean I believed her, it was just a little hard to take you know. "Wow.this is just.I mean.Faith? You and Fred? You're divorced?"
"Yeah, almost seven weeks," Faith replied. By the tone in her voice, this was still a little hard for her to believe too. "Damn it Bos, I feel like a failure."
"A failure? What're you talking about?"
"Me.my marriage.this isn't how it was supposed to be. I told myself when I married Fred that it would be forever.that my kids wouldn't grow up in a broken home.that's exactly what I did."
"Faith, you're not a failure.not by a long shot," I replied, trying to cheer her up. "Besides if that makes you a failure, then what's that make me?"
"Smart.you're smart for not getting married."
"No Faith, you're not a failure. You stuck it out for fifteen years.fifteen years Faith." I'd gotten up from the coffee table. By this point in our discussion I was pacing her apartment. Trying to think of what to say.trying not to say something stupid.trying not to make a bad situation worse.
"What about your kids Faith? Huh? What about Em and Charlie?" I asked. I was sure she didn't see her kids as a failure.
"I love my kids Bos," she replied, tears streaming down her face. "Emily and Charlie are the best thing I ever did."
"Exactly, you may not be a wife anymore but you're a mom forever. Nothing can change that. Look at ma and me."
"Lately I haven't felt much like a mom," she replied, taking a Kleenex from the box I'd set beside her. "I haven't been a very good mom for a long time. I mean, look at Em. She used drugs Bos. I should've seen that coming. I'm her mother. I should have seen it."
"It happens Faith.to good kids from good families," I replied, drawing from our work experiences. "We see it all the time Faith.good decent homes.parents who love their kids. It happens."
"Not to my kids Bosco. I'm a cop. I should have seen it.I see it all the time. I should have seen it with Emily."
"She made a mistake Faith.a mistake."
"That mistake almost cost my daughter her life."
"I know that Faith," I replied, once again taking a seat across from her. The last thing Faith needed was a hot-headed cop upsetting her. Sitting down, I swallowed before continuing in a calmer voice.
"Kids make mistakes.but they learn from them. Em's a good kid Faith. She made a mistake. It doesn't mean she's gonna be a bad kid. I've made mistakes Faith.I've made more than my share of mistakes but you said it yourself how I've changed these past months. Emily can do the same. She knows what she did was wrong.She knows she hurt more than just herself."
"Bos, I never did thank you for being there.at the hospital I mean. Fred being there was about to make me crazy. I was sick of him.constantly trying to drag me down to the chapel. I believe in God Bos, I really do but I just go about my beliefs differently. I mean does a person have to be in a chapel to pray?"
"No, Faith, you don't," I replied wondering afterwards what I was talking about. Last time I'd mentioned a church was after realizing the Captain didn't recognize his own daughter on videotape. I had to laugh at myself. I think Faith understood.
"I'm probably the last person you should be asking that question. But if you want my opinion, I think you can pray anywhere you want. I don't think you have to fold your hands and I don't think you even need to talk out loud."
"Thanks Bosco," Faith replied, looking at me through the tears in her eyes. With my fingertips, I gently wiped away the tears. It was really hard seeing her like this. I was used to the strong woman I knew she was inside.the level-headed one. Right now she was upset.more at her self than the actual situation.
"So you're not mad at me," she asked. "I mean for not telling you about the divorce?"
"Naaa, I'm not mad," I replied, flashing my partner a smile. "Besides I think you've punished yourself enough for both of us. Maybe its time you gave yourself a break?"
"Yeah.you know.I talked to Emily yesterday," Faith explained, a hint of a smile registering on her face.
"See that's good right?"
"Better than good Bos," she continued. Yeah, now that was a smile. "Fred and I decided to let the kids choose where they wanna live. Talking with Emily, she said she wants to live with me."
"That's great," I replied, taking her hands in mine. I watched her, that smile growing by the second. "It's going to be okay Faith. You and Em.you guys are going to be okay. You'll see."
"I hope you're right Bos," she replied, a hint of that smile disappearing. "I was shocked when she told me. I never expected her to want to live with her mother."
"See, I told you. She's a good kid.she's smart."
"What you said to her that night.when you were talking about Cruz's sister and how she'd died.I was mad at you for doing that to Emily but after I had some time to think, I realized it was a good thing."
"You think so?" I questioned her. "Cause I wasn't so sure it was a good thing. I mean I didn't really think about what I was saying and all."
"It was a good thing Bosco," she confirmed her earlier opinion. "You're getting good at this stuff you know that?"
"What's that?"
"This sensitive stuff," Faith explained. I could tell I was blushing and she enjoyed seeing that. "I never thought I'd hear myself saying this but someday you're going to make a good dad."
"Me? A good dad? That'll be the day." This whole conversation was making me nervous. I was pacing again.
"Don't tell me you never thought about it cause I know you have. We talked about this once.you and Nicole?"
"Me and Nicole? Come on?"
"What do you mean come on? I've seen the two of you. She meets you after work at least twice a week."
"Yeah but there's just one thing missing from your plan,"
"What's that?"
"Sex, Faith. You can't have kids without sex. Hell you've got a couple kids."
"Bosco?" Faith replied as I stood in front of her window. "Bosco? You and Nicole.you mean to tell me you guys aren't sleeping together?"
"Nope," I replied turning around to face her while surprising her in the process.
"So if you're not sleeping with her, can I ask what you guys do every night?"
"Depends," I replied nervously shrugging my shoulders. "Sometimes we see a movie...sometimes we go out, get something to eat, have a beer."
"It's been a while since I did it myself but I think they call that dating. And dating for you usually turns into sex."
"Naaa, me and Nicole.we're just friends."
"Friends? Friends?"
"Why is it so hard to believe that I could be friends with a girl? Look at us Faith. We've been friends for how long?"
"It's not hard to believe. It's just that in case you haven't noticed, there's a difference between me and Nicole.a big difference. If I looked like Nicole, you'd probably had sex with me a long time ago. At least you'd have tried."
"You know you sound like Lieu."
"Lieu say something about us having sex?"
"No, but he talked about Nicole.said she was beautiful."
"Lieu said that? I didn't know Lieu even knew Nicole."
"He doesn't really. He remembered her from the attack."
"So is he still dating your mom?"
"Yeah, they're still going out. She really likes him Faith."
"So you think they might get married?"
That question.I almost fell off the table. I knew my ma really liked Lieu but my mind hadn't even considered the idea of them getting married. Lieu and mom.married. That'd make him my stepfather.my boss would be my step- dad.
"I don't know if I'm ready for that one yet."
"Sorry," Faith offered. "Too much, too soon I guess. Stranger things have happened. I mean who would have guessed your ma and Lieu? Only goes to prove there's someone out there for everyone.even you Bos.'
"You think so.I mean you really see me getting married someday?"
"Yeah, I do. You're a great guy Bosco. Any girl would be lucky to have you for a husband especially if you were as sweet to her as you've been to me tonight or like you were with Nicole the night she was attacked."
"I meant what I said Faith. And didn't you say Em wants to live with you? She knows she has a great mom. I know it too."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You mean the "I was nineteen" answer wasn't enough for one night?"
"I'm still having a hard time believing that one," she replied, that silly faith smile on her face. "But I have another question I wanna ask."
"If I say yes do I reserve the right to not answer it?"
"Sure, I guess so."
"Okay then, ask away."
"Do you think.I mean.have you ever." Faith was having trouble getting the words out. I wasn't sure what she was trying to ask.
"Is this another question about my sex life?"
"Sort of I guess," she answered with a shy smile. "Bosco, I'm just.well I was wondering if you think that we have something.I mean beyond just friends.like a couple maybe?"
"You and me.you mean like the two of us dating?"
By the look on her face, I could tell Faith wanted to be anywhere but sitting right in front of me. I wasn't helping matters. To be honest, the question had caught me off guard and I was doing about as bad a job at answering her as she had been in asking the question. I had to respect her though. It took a lot of guts to ask such a question.
"I don't know," I replied, hating myself as I said the words. Taking a moment, I collected my thoughts and tried again.
"I just mean that it would be different. You and me Faith.the two of us dating.you're not like the girls I usually date."
"Yeah, I know," she replied. I could tell she was upset by what I was saying. Hell, I was upset at myself for how I was saying this. It really was coming out all wrong.
"Listen to me," I replied looking her straight in the eye, attempting to answer her question one last time. "What I meant was that I've never dated anyone I'd call a friend. The girls I date I meet a girl in a bar or somewhere like that, we go back to my place or her place and wind up in bed. Me and Nicole were a perfect example. We never talked unless it was about sex. It's just recently that we've become friends. But you and me Faith, we got nine years of history between us. The only person who's been in my life longer is my ma. As far as you and me, I don't know. You just got a divorce Faith. I never liked Fred.I thought you could do better.I still do. I'm just not sure you and me would be better. Different maybe but not better."
"Sorry, I guess I surprised you huh? I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. We're friends.best friends right?"
"Faith, I didn't mean it like that. There was a time.I mean.a few years back when you kicked Fred out.I thought about you and me.you know, the what- ifs."
"Really? I mean you're not just trying to make me feel better?"
"No, really.I thought about it. Then you and Fred got back together and I let it go. You two had kids together. I had no right."
"Bos," she replied. Faith and I had been together for a long time.longer than most partners at the 55th. We'd talked about everything under the sun.but this.this was deeper than anything we'd discussed. Yet, at the same time, it felt very natural.
"I guess I'd want to take things slow," I continued, looking her straight in the eyes as I did. "Faith, you're my best friend. I've never had a friend like you.someone I can talk to.I mean really talk. I wouldn't want to ruin that over one night of sex that we'd only regret in the morning."
"I wouldn't want that either," she replied. "Do you remember the night you fell asleep here on my couch?"
"Barely," I replied with a shrug. "Hey, I was asleep. How was I supposed to remember anything?"
"I noticed that. You know that night, I realized why women would be attracted to you. Hell, I'm attracted to you. I mean like right now.Bos, I could get lost looking into your eyes. Physically I have to admit I think you're sexy."
"You know what I think? I've had a lot of women Faith," I replied, pushing a strand of her hair from her face. "None of them could hold a candle to you."
"You always did like blondes."
"Yeah I did but it wouldn't matter what color your hair was. You're beautiful Faith."
We sat there for a minute, not saying anything, speaking through our eyes. That was a gift Faith and I shared with each other. It was Faith who broke the silence.
"Dance with me Bosco?" Faith asked, pulling me to my feet.
"Dancing isn't really my thing," I tried to tell her but the look on her face told me otherwise.
She walked over to the stereo, punching a few buttons before turning up the volume. As the music started, I recognized the song. As the music played through the speakers, I took Faith in my arms, lacing my fingers with hers, my other hand around her waist.
Have I told you lately that I love you Have I told you there's no one else above you Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness ease my troubles that's what you do
As we danced, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like I was somehow free.free of all the pain I'd felt as a child.free of all the hatred I felt while on-duty.free of sadness, fear, and loneliness. Holding her like that, it felt strange but at the same time, it felt very natural.
For the morning sun in all it's glory greets the day with hope and comfort too You fill my life with laughter and somehow you make it better ease my troubles that's what you do There's a love that's divine and it's yours and it's mine like the sun And at the end of the day we should give thanks and pray to the one, to the one
I let the lyrics of the song echo through my mind. It felt as if the singer was somehow reading what I was feeling. I pulled Faith closer, my arms around her slender waist while she wrapped her arms around my neck. As the music continued, I lay my head against hers, feeling her soft hair against my cheek.
Have I told you lately that I love you Have I told you there's no one else above you Fill my heart with gladness take away all my sadness ease my troubles that's what you do
"Stay with me tonight Bos," Faith whispered as our bodies moved with the music.
"Faith." I replied, my voice soft.unsure. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her but I really did want to take things slow.
"I don't want you to leave," she continued. "Please, stay with me tonight. I don't wanna sleep alone and I can't think of anything I'd love more than to wake up next to you."
I never had a chance to answer Faith. The song continued as I followed Faith back to the couch. I took a seat on one end while Faith lay down the full length of the couch, laying her head on my chest. Wrapping my arms around her once more, I held her close. With one hand softly resting on her stomach, I ran the fingers of my other hand through her hair, brushing it off her face, feeling the silkiness as it slipped through my fingers.
We lay there for a long time, most of it in silence. It was my laugh that brought on her question.
"What are you thinking?" Faith asked, glancing up at me.
"You really wanna know?"
"Of course I do," she replied, looking into my eyes.
"I was just thinking about something my ma said."
"What was that?"
"That night I fell asleep here.the next morning after I left here, I stopped off at her place. Seven o'clock in the morning, I'm knocking on her door."
"I bet she loved getting woke up."
"She was already awake.making breakfast."
"Your ma doesn't eat breakfast."
"She'd invited Lieu over for breakfast. He was working the day shift."
"You're sure he didn't spend the night before?"
"No, I was talking to ma when he showed up at her door. He was as surprised to see me there as ma was."
"So what happened?"
"She wound up asking what I was doing there at such an early hour. I told her I was on my way home. She asked from where and I told her the truth."
"What'd she say to that?"
"She read all kinds of things into it. She thought something was going on between us."
"I guess it's a good thing she didn't know about the kiss."
"The kiss? What kiss?"
"You really were out of it that night," Faith began explaining. "I took my coffee cup into the kitchen. When I came back you were asleep. So I got a blanket and covered you up. Before I went to bed, I leaned over and kissed you."
"I slept through your kiss?"
"Yeah, after everything with Cruz, you were exhausted," Faith explained before reaching up and touching my forehead. "So I just leaned over and kissed you right here."
I couldn't help myself. As Faith touched my forehead, I leaned over and softly kissed her forehead. She smiled at me as I looked into her eyes. I'd never noticed how beautiful her eyes were when she smiled. I was about to protest when she got up off the sofa until she returned with the same blanket she'd covered me up with the last time I spent the night on her couch. As she lay there in my arms, I thought back on the past nine years and wondered what took me so long.why was I just now figuring out what had been right in front of my eyes? Maybe it was all a matter of timing.maybe it was just two lost souls searching for a safe harbor.or maybe, like she'd said, I was growing up.changing as she put it. I was never a big fan of change, at least not in most cases. Maybe I'd found what I was looking for without ever really knowing what I was missing.
I was going to take things slow with Faith. She was that important to me and if I messed this up, I'd lose more than I was willing to give up. The way I figured it was like this. Faith and me.we'd take things slow.very slow. That way if it didn't work out, we'd figure it out before we crossed the line.the point of no return when I'd lose my best friend.
Right now all I was losing was my battle to stay awake. That wasn't so bad. After all, I had Faith and in the morning, she'd be right where she was right now.in my arms.
to be continued...
"I was just thinking about you and Kim and Alex," she said before she started laughing again. "You should have seen yourself. It was like some comedy skit on one of those comedy shows on TV."
"I'm glad you enjoyed that," I said sarcastically but not really meaning it that way.
"You know it almost looked like you weren't really fighting them off. Tell me the truth, you liked having two women jump you didn't you Bos?"
"I don't believe you just asked me that," I mumbled under my breath.
"Yeah and I noticed you didn't deny it," she continued, glancing at me several times. "Is that how it was that time with you and Kim?"
"Me and Kim?"
"Yeah that time the two of you came close to hooking up in your car?"
"Do we have to talk about this?"
"I guess not," she said with a shrug. "We could always talk about how old you were the first time you hooked up with a girl."
"Why do you want to know that?" I asked glancing over at her as we sat stopped at a red light. "I mean is it a 'I want to know' or a 'I need to know' type of thing?"
"I'm just curious?"
"Make you a deal," I offered. "I'll answer your question is you answer one of mine."
"What could you possibly have to ask me?" she replied, trying to read my thoughts.
"Deal?" I asked, not sharing any more details.
"Fine.deal." she conceded, looking over at me as we pulled up in front of her apartment building.
"What?" I asked
"You go first."
"What is this, first grade?" I asked getting a glare from Faith. "Can we go inside or do I have to sit here and discuss my sex life in the car?"
"Never bothered you before."
Okay so she had me there. I had no idea how many times I'd discussed my sex life in the RMP sitting right beside Faith, just as we were now. She ignored my question, instead grabbing her bag and heading for the front entrance. I followed Faith into her apartment. She flipped on a couple lights before taking a seat on the couch.
"Nineteen." I replied not seeing the point as to why I should wait for her to ask again.
'Nineteen? Nineteen? Nine-teen?"
What the hell was I thinking? I was already regretting this. I should have just lied to her and told her my first time was when I was fourteen or something.
"When I was nineteen," she replied with a laugh, "I was married and had Emily."
"Yeah so."
"I just can't believe you didn't have sex 'til you were nineteen."
"Like I said. I had a lot of time to make up for."
"Uh huh.I'm sure you and Nicole are working hard on remedying that."
"So how bout answering my question now?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Sure thing Bos," Faith replied. "Only my life isn't as adventurous as yours."
I took a seat on the coffee table across from Faith, I knew what I wanted to ask, I just wasn't sure how to say it. I reached out to her, taking her hands in mine.
"You're not going to ask me to marry you are you Bos?" she asked. I smiled, not really knowing how to answer her question. Instead I tried to focus on what I wanted to ask.
"Is that a possibility? Getting married I mean?" Faith looked at me with a curious look. I wasn't sure she was following what I was saying. I released her right hand, turning her left one in mine. I gently touched her hand, paying special attention to the place where she used to wear a wedding ring. Her eyes met mine, reading my thoughts.
"When'd you figure it out?" she asked.
"I'd suspected something was up for a while," I explained. "I wasn't sure 'til today. After that domestic call, it suddenly hit me. You weren't wearing a ring."
"I know I should have told you. There was just so much going on.the whole Cruz situation and all."
"Hey, don't apologize," I replied, letting her off the hook.
"Bos, I wanted to tell you, really I did. I just.I.it just never seemed like the right time."
"I don't think there is a right time Faith," I replied. I knew this had to be hard for her. I debated how to proceed. On one hand, I didn't want her clamming up on me but I didn't want to upset her either.
"That night you fell asleep here.on my couch," she replied gesturing to where she was sitting. "I went to court that day.you falling asleep here was no big deal.I mean it was no big deal anyway.it's just that on that particular day, I became a single girl."
"You're divorced?" I asked, not believing what Faith was telling me. I mean I believed her, it was just a little hard to take you know. "Wow.this is just.I mean.Faith? You and Fred? You're divorced?"
"Yeah, almost seven weeks," Faith replied. By the tone in her voice, this was still a little hard for her to believe too. "Damn it Bos, I feel like a failure."
"A failure? What're you talking about?"
"Me.my marriage.this isn't how it was supposed to be. I told myself when I married Fred that it would be forever.that my kids wouldn't grow up in a broken home.that's exactly what I did."
"Faith, you're not a failure.not by a long shot," I replied, trying to cheer her up. "Besides if that makes you a failure, then what's that make me?"
"Smart.you're smart for not getting married."
"No Faith, you're not a failure. You stuck it out for fifteen years.fifteen years Faith." I'd gotten up from the coffee table. By this point in our discussion I was pacing her apartment. Trying to think of what to say.trying not to say something stupid.trying not to make a bad situation worse.
"What about your kids Faith? Huh? What about Em and Charlie?" I asked. I was sure she didn't see her kids as a failure.
"I love my kids Bos," she replied, tears streaming down her face. "Emily and Charlie are the best thing I ever did."
"Exactly, you may not be a wife anymore but you're a mom forever. Nothing can change that. Look at ma and me."
"Lately I haven't felt much like a mom," she replied, taking a Kleenex from the box I'd set beside her. "I haven't been a very good mom for a long time. I mean, look at Em. She used drugs Bos. I should've seen that coming. I'm her mother. I should have seen it."
"It happens Faith.to good kids from good families," I replied, drawing from our work experiences. "We see it all the time Faith.good decent homes.parents who love their kids. It happens."
"Not to my kids Bosco. I'm a cop. I should have seen it.I see it all the time. I should have seen it with Emily."
"She made a mistake Faith.a mistake."
"That mistake almost cost my daughter her life."
"I know that Faith," I replied, once again taking a seat across from her. The last thing Faith needed was a hot-headed cop upsetting her. Sitting down, I swallowed before continuing in a calmer voice.
"Kids make mistakes.but they learn from them. Em's a good kid Faith. She made a mistake. It doesn't mean she's gonna be a bad kid. I've made mistakes Faith.I've made more than my share of mistakes but you said it yourself how I've changed these past months. Emily can do the same. She knows what she did was wrong.She knows she hurt more than just herself."
"Bos, I never did thank you for being there.at the hospital I mean. Fred being there was about to make me crazy. I was sick of him.constantly trying to drag me down to the chapel. I believe in God Bos, I really do but I just go about my beliefs differently. I mean does a person have to be in a chapel to pray?"
"No, Faith, you don't," I replied wondering afterwards what I was talking about. Last time I'd mentioned a church was after realizing the Captain didn't recognize his own daughter on videotape. I had to laugh at myself. I think Faith understood.
"I'm probably the last person you should be asking that question. But if you want my opinion, I think you can pray anywhere you want. I don't think you have to fold your hands and I don't think you even need to talk out loud."
"Thanks Bosco," Faith replied, looking at me through the tears in her eyes. With my fingertips, I gently wiped away the tears. It was really hard seeing her like this. I was used to the strong woman I knew she was inside.the level-headed one. Right now she was upset.more at her self than the actual situation.
"So you're not mad at me," she asked. "I mean for not telling you about the divorce?"
"Naaa, I'm not mad," I replied, flashing my partner a smile. "Besides I think you've punished yourself enough for both of us. Maybe its time you gave yourself a break?"
"Yeah.you know.I talked to Emily yesterday," Faith explained, a hint of a smile registering on her face.
"See that's good right?"
"Better than good Bos," she continued. Yeah, now that was a smile. "Fred and I decided to let the kids choose where they wanna live. Talking with Emily, she said she wants to live with me."
"That's great," I replied, taking her hands in mine. I watched her, that smile growing by the second. "It's going to be okay Faith. You and Em.you guys are going to be okay. You'll see."
"I hope you're right Bos," she replied, a hint of that smile disappearing. "I was shocked when she told me. I never expected her to want to live with her mother."
"See, I told you. She's a good kid.she's smart."
"What you said to her that night.when you were talking about Cruz's sister and how she'd died.I was mad at you for doing that to Emily but after I had some time to think, I realized it was a good thing."
"You think so?" I questioned her. "Cause I wasn't so sure it was a good thing. I mean I didn't really think about what I was saying and all."
"It was a good thing Bosco," she confirmed her earlier opinion. "You're getting good at this stuff you know that?"
"What's that?"
"This sensitive stuff," Faith explained. I could tell I was blushing and she enjoyed seeing that. "I never thought I'd hear myself saying this but someday you're going to make a good dad."
"Me? A good dad? That'll be the day." This whole conversation was making me nervous. I was pacing again.
"Don't tell me you never thought about it cause I know you have. We talked about this once.you and Nicole?"
"Me and Nicole? Come on?"
"What do you mean come on? I've seen the two of you. She meets you after work at least twice a week."
"Yeah but there's just one thing missing from your plan,"
"What's that?"
"Sex, Faith. You can't have kids without sex. Hell you've got a couple kids."
"Bosco?" Faith replied as I stood in front of her window. "Bosco? You and Nicole.you mean to tell me you guys aren't sleeping together?"
"Nope," I replied turning around to face her while surprising her in the process.
"So if you're not sleeping with her, can I ask what you guys do every night?"
"Depends," I replied nervously shrugging my shoulders. "Sometimes we see a movie...sometimes we go out, get something to eat, have a beer."
"It's been a while since I did it myself but I think they call that dating. And dating for you usually turns into sex."
"Naaa, me and Nicole.we're just friends."
"Friends? Friends?"
"Why is it so hard to believe that I could be friends with a girl? Look at us Faith. We've been friends for how long?"
"It's not hard to believe. It's just that in case you haven't noticed, there's a difference between me and Nicole.a big difference. If I looked like Nicole, you'd probably had sex with me a long time ago. At least you'd have tried."
"You know you sound like Lieu."
"Lieu say something about us having sex?"
"No, but he talked about Nicole.said she was beautiful."
"Lieu said that? I didn't know Lieu even knew Nicole."
"He doesn't really. He remembered her from the attack."
"So is he still dating your mom?"
"Yeah, they're still going out. She really likes him Faith."
"So you think they might get married?"
That question.I almost fell off the table. I knew my ma really liked Lieu but my mind hadn't even considered the idea of them getting married. Lieu and mom.married. That'd make him my stepfather.my boss would be my step- dad.
"I don't know if I'm ready for that one yet."
"Sorry," Faith offered. "Too much, too soon I guess. Stranger things have happened. I mean who would have guessed your ma and Lieu? Only goes to prove there's someone out there for everyone.even you Bos.'
"You think so.I mean you really see me getting married someday?"
"Yeah, I do. You're a great guy Bosco. Any girl would be lucky to have you for a husband especially if you were as sweet to her as you've been to me tonight or like you were with Nicole the night she was attacked."
"I meant what I said Faith. And didn't you say Em wants to live with you? She knows she has a great mom. I know it too."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You mean the "I was nineteen" answer wasn't enough for one night?"
"I'm still having a hard time believing that one," she replied, that silly faith smile on her face. "But I have another question I wanna ask."
"If I say yes do I reserve the right to not answer it?"
"Sure, I guess so."
"Okay then, ask away."
"Do you think.I mean.have you ever." Faith was having trouble getting the words out. I wasn't sure what she was trying to ask.
"Is this another question about my sex life?"
"Sort of I guess," she answered with a shy smile. "Bosco, I'm just.well I was wondering if you think that we have something.I mean beyond just friends.like a couple maybe?"
"You and me.you mean like the two of us dating?"
By the look on her face, I could tell Faith wanted to be anywhere but sitting right in front of me. I wasn't helping matters. To be honest, the question had caught me off guard and I was doing about as bad a job at answering her as she had been in asking the question. I had to respect her though. It took a lot of guts to ask such a question.
"I don't know," I replied, hating myself as I said the words. Taking a moment, I collected my thoughts and tried again.
"I just mean that it would be different. You and me Faith.the two of us dating.you're not like the girls I usually date."
"Yeah, I know," she replied. I could tell she was upset by what I was saying. Hell, I was upset at myself for how I was saying this. It really was coming out all wrong.
"Listen to me," I replied looking her straight in the eye, attempting to answer her question one last time. "What I meant was that I've never dated anyone I'd call a friend. The girls I date I meet a girl in a bar or somewhere like that, we go back to my place or her place and wind up in bed. Me and Nicole were a perfect example. We never talked unless it was about sex. It's just recently that we've become friends. But you and me Faith, we got nine years of history between us. The only person who's been in my life longer is my ma. As far as you and me, I don't know. You just got a divorce Faith. I never liked Fred.I thought you could do better.I still do. I'm just not sure you and me would be better. Different maybe but not better."
"Sorry, I guess I surprised you huh? I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. We're friends.best friends right?"
"Faith, I didn't mean it like that. There was a time.I mean.a few years back when you kicked Fred out.I thought about you and me.you know, the what- ifs."
"Really? I mean you're not just trying to make me feel better?"
"No, really.I thought about it. Then you and Fred got back together and I let it go. You two had kids together. I had no right."
"Bos," she replied. Faith and I had been together for a long time.longer than most partners at the 55th. We'd talked about everything under the sun.but this.this was deeper than anything we'd discussed. Yet, at the same time, it felt very natural.
"I guess I'd want to take things slow," I continued, looking her straight in the eyes as I did. "Faith, you're my best friend. I've never had a friend like you.someone I can talk to.I mean really talk. I wouldn't want to ruin that over one night of sex that we'd only regret in the morning."
"I wouldn't want that either," she replied. "Do you remember the night you fell asleep here on my couch?"
"Barely," I replied with a shrug. "Hey, I was asleep. How was I supposed to remember anything?"
"I noticed that. You know that night, I realized why women would be attracted to you. Hell, I'm attracted to you. I mean like right now.Bos, I could get lost looking into your eyes. Physically I have to admit I think you're sexy."
"You know what I think? I've had a lot of women Faith," I replied, pushing a strand of her hair from her face. "None of them could hold a candle to you."
"You always did like blondes."
"Yeah I did but it wouldn't matter what color your hair was. You're beautiful Faith."
We sat there for a minute, not saying anything, speaking through our eyes. That was a gift Faith and I shared with each other. It was Faith who broke the silence.
"Dance with me Bosco?" Faith asked, pulling me to my feet.
"Dancing isn't really my thing," I tried to tell her but the look on her face told me otherwise.
She walked over to the stereo, punching a few buttons before turning up the volume. As the music started, I recognized the song. As the music played through the speakers, I took Faith in my arms, lacing my fingers with hers, my other hand around her waist.
Have I told you lately that I love you Have I told you there's no one else above you Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness ease my troubles that's what you do
As we danced, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like I was somehow free.free of all the pain I'd felt as a child.free of all the hatred I felt while on-duty.free of sadness, fear, and loneliness. Holding her like that, it felt strange but at the same time, it felt very natural.
For the morning sun in all it's glory greets the day with hope and comfort too You fill my life with laughter and somehow you make it better ease my troubles that's what you do There's a love that's divine and it's yours and it's mine like the sun And at the end of the day we should give thanks and pray to the one, to the one
I let the lyrics of the song echo through my mind. It felt as if the singer was somehow reading what I was feeling. I pulled Faith closer, my arms around her slender waist while she wrapped her arms around my neck. As the music continued, I lay my head against hers, feeling her soft hair against my cheek.
Have I told you lately that I love you Have I told you there's no one else above you Fill my heart with gladness take away all my sadness ease my troubles that's what you do
"Stay with me tonight Bos," Faith whispered as our bodies moved with the music.
"Faith." I replied, my voice soft.unsure. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her but I really did want to take things slow.
"I don't want you to leave," she continued. "Please, stay with me tonight. I don't wanna sleep alone and I can't think of anything I'd love more than to wake up next to you."
I never had a chance to answer Faith. The song continued as I followed Faith back to the couch. I took a seat on one end while Faith lay down the full length of the couch, laying her head on my chest. Wrapping my arms around her once more, I held her close. With one hand softly resting on her stomach, I ran the fingers of my other hand through her hair, brushing it off her face, feeling the silkiness as it slipped through my fingers.
We lay there for a long time, most of it in silence. It was my laugh that brought on her question.
"What are you thinking?" Faith asked, glancing up at me.
"You really wanna know?"
"Of course I do," she replied, looking into my eyes.
"I was just thinking about something my ma said."
"What was that?"
"That night I fell asleep here.the next morning after I left here, I stopped off at her place. Seven o'clock in the morning, I'm knocking on her door."
"I bet she loved getting woke up."
"She was already awake.making breakfast."
"Your ma doesn't eat breakfast."
"She'd invited Lieu over for breakfast. He was working the day shift."
"You're sure he didn't spend the night before?"
"No, I was talking to ma when he showed up at her door. He was as surprised to see me there as ma was."
"So what happened?"
"She wound up asking what I was doing there at such an early hour. I told her I was on my way home. She asked from where and I told her the truth."
"What'd she say to that?"
"She read all kinds of things into it. She thought something was going on between us."
"I guess it's a good thing she didn't know about the kiss."
"The kiss? What kiss?"
"You really were out of it that night," Faith began explaining. "I took my coffee cup into the kitchen. When I came back you were asleep. So I got a blanket and covered you up. Before I went to bed, I leaned over and kissed you."
"I slept through your kiss?"
"Yeah, after everything with Cruz, you were exhausted," Faith explained before reaching up and touching my forehead. "So I just leaned over and kissed you right here."
I couldn't help myself. As Faith touched my forehead, I leaned over and softly kissed her forehead. She smiled at me as I looked into her eyes. I'd never noticed how beautiful her eyes were when she smiled. I was about to protest when she got up off the sofa until she returned with the same blanket she'd covered me up with the last time I spent the night on her couch. As she lay there in my arms, I thought back on the past nine years and wondered what took me so long.why was I just now figuring out what had been right in front of my eyes? Maybe it was all a matter of timing.maybe it was just two lost souls searching for a safe harbor.or maybe, like she'd said, I was growing up.changing as she put it. I was never a big fan of change, at least not in most cases. Maybe I'd found what I was looking for without ever really knowing what I was missing.
I was going to take things slow with Faith. She was that important to me and if I messed this up, I'd lose more than I was willing to give up. The way I figured it was like this. Faith and me.we'd take things slow.very slow. That way if it didn't work out, we'd figure it out before we crossed the line.the point of no return when I'd lose my best friend.
Right now all I was losing was my battle to stay awake. That wasn't so bad. After all, I had Faith and in the morning, she'd be right where she was right now.in my arms.
to be continued...
