Wasurenaide ("Do Not Forget")

By Hotaru

Disclaimer:  I don't own RRK, except in my dreams.

Warning:  PG-13:  May be "R" in later chapters.              

Also:  This is one of my four fics, which include "Depend on You," "Heaven Help Me," and "Heartbreak Cafe."  If you have time, please R&R.  For those who like to read more of "Depend On You," part 7 is still in the works, so is the 1st chapter of "Heartbreak Café."  I hope you enjoy reading "Wasurenaide" though, even if it's angsty and dramatic most of the time (occasional comedy, but very minimal).   You'll also see a lot of the classic couples here: K&K, S&M, and A&M.  That means major participation from the Five Kenshingumi players: (Kenshin, Kaoru, Sano, Megumi, Yahiko) with some new characters on the side of the Yukishiro family, coming in the next few chapters.  Setting is, by the way, the same as the classic RRK we all know, but additional characters will be coming in.  The whole story takes place after the Jinchu Arc but before the last chapters of the final volume of the manga.

Now, if you happen to be a Tomoe fan, you'll find lots of references to her here, but this is not a potential K&T fic.  Tomoe is dead, and someone ELSE takes her place.  It's not Kaoru.  Not yet, at least, but Kenshin, in his typical rurouni way, must figure that out.   Expect a lot of K&K torture then.   

There'll be mention of Enishi too who might as well show up—but later.

Domo arigatou, demo, awaremi, reviewers out there!!!  Dekiru koto wa nandemo shimasu to please all of you, but let me just say that I'm very fond of this fic.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Onegai?  Even if there's a lot of angst and tears…                    

Chapter 1:  Remembering…     Snow.  In another time and another place, the snow spoke of someone…someone whom he had lost forever, under that dark, endless sky of immense whiteness…falling, descending, like frozen tears…   …Otsu…

           

Kenshin's eyes went to the two figures stumbling from behind piles and piles of caked snow.  He could still remember how Kaoru had smiled, announcing Dr. Genzai's invitation for the group to stay with his relatives in Otsu.   Just hearing her say Otsu was enough to make him nervous.  What surprised him though was the fact that she knew, as Yahiko, Sano and Megumi did, what Otsu meant to him.  And yet she seemed to be the least disturbed about it—she, Kaoru, the eternal optimist who smiles for him despite the sadness and uncertainty painted in those eyes of his—the eyes that received those smiles self-consciously, with the knowledge that the comfort they give is the closest thing he could call happiness, no matter how short-lived and surreal compared to the sorrow that lingers. 

He had thought about it long and hard, and even if the answer and the choice it seems, became obvious in that fight with Shishio, in that confrontation with his master, Hiko Seijuro, he could not help thinking whether the answer and the choice could be neither.   Certainly, the past is the past.  He would not have succeeded in that fight against Enishi if he had not confined the sorrow of his memories to the deepest recesses of his mind, so that he may hear and listen to what's in his heart.  And that heart spoke to him in another voice, from this time, this place, this reality, this moment—this living, breathing moment…  

But the nagging question remains, ever so acute in its appeal to reason than passion.   Will happiness ever be enough?  Will it be enough to change pasts gone by, lives gone by, all those experiences that are the essence of who he is, still a stranger to himself?  Can a single choice change fate, or history, or the meaning of one's existence?  Feelings change…they change by the choices people make…but realities don't.  Things happen regardless of what one may feel about it—regardless of the choices people make, and the beliefs they may uphold, no matter how right in the eyes of the human heart.  Not that he is being extremely pessimistic or self-critical.   He knew what it meant to believe.  To hope.  And to fight a losing battle…

A losing dream… 

Indeed, he would not have been a hitokiri if he had not felt that history can be changed by men and their passions.   Yet, it was history that taught him, that changed him, against his very own compulsions.  Now, he could honestly say that if there is anything he learned from history, it is the fact that events shape men and their destinies, not the other way around.

They say history is doomed to be repeated.  Perhaps certain things have to be repeated in order to be remembered.  But if that is so, then it could only mean one thing… Kenshin's back bristled, his eyes to the heavens, watching the snow fall endlessly, as Yahiko's crisp laughter reached him across the distances.  After Tomoe came the happiness… the laughter… her smile … her companionship… her caring… Kaoru became all of these things… But after this happiness, then what?  

           

 "Ha, ha!  I never knew any busu could get even uglier when they're hit smack on the face just like that!!!" Yahiko was laughing, scowling at his teacher, who was struggling to get up, lumps of snow falling from her face.   

Kenshin felt the smile on his lips come unbidden at the noise Kaoru and Yahiko were making.  Kaoru was never a good sport—that is the only reason he could think of why she had always been the target of both Yahiko's and Sano's mischief.   Not that he considered THAT to be her weakness.  In fact, he himself would admit that it was amusing, if not fun, to see her angry—to have to witness some of her irrational, and physically violent outbursts.  Of course any provocation that leads to violence especially where Kaoru is concerned can be very dangerous to say the least.  One may never know HOW exactly she would react to such provocations.   Still, Yahiko and Sano risk it time and time again.  And why? 

Kenshin only knew too well, making him smile again, ever so slightly, at the realization.  It was Kaoru's enthusiasm that was intoxicating.   Her energy, youthful innocence, even carelessness is a reprieve from all the worldly complications of modern humanity which they—he, Yahiko, and Sano—experienced, before they came into her life.   Looking at her now—a yellow dot in the snow running after a brown dot jumping high and low in the drifts around him, he could only sigh, almost laugh, if it wasn't a luxury. 

Kaoru would frown to hear it, but she seems to be at her best when she's hitting something—anything—whether it's another bokken during kendo practice, or a person's head, including his.   It was not just her optimism, her warmth towards anything that awakens her compassion, it was also her faith… —naïve it may seem—in all things that are good and beautiful… her faith in the capacity of the human heart to transcend all barriers that make happiness impossible…   

A cold breeze met him full in the face, making him shiver slightly, despite the warm feelings in his heart.   Something light, and faintly cold drifted carelessly on his shoulder, melting at the faintest touch of his hand.  He stared at the snowflake blowing gently his way, and looked up at the seamless gray above. 

In another time, and another place, he watched the gentle snowflakes fall like this, melting like tears on his face.

Those were real tears too…

He leaned back and sighed.  Time had done little to make him forgive…and forget.   Indeed, how could any man forget such a woman?  A woman who had chosen to die and let her greatest and worst enemy live, after sacrificing so much—her life, her family, her happiness—for revenge?  He was a hitokiri, a deadly assassin who swore to kill in the name of a noble dream, which sought nothing less than a new and better era for Japan.  And she was Tomoe, daughter of a reputable family, who dreamed of nothing more than a life of her own, together with the man who loves her and whom she loves in return.  As if to spite her though, Fate put her in the hands of the last man she could never love, nor forgive.  And what was the reason for it?  So he would have a reason to seek out her elusive smile in the smiles of the living whose dreams she had stood for, and in whose dreams, she had died…

Kiyosato Akira would know…he died uttering her name like a hopeless prayer… 

Kenshin had to look up, if only to taste the snow and feel the cold fill him to the brim.

Tomoe… will my heart ever be strong enough to forgive myself for what this murderer has done to you?  For those other lives I've destroyed?  Does my atonement end in your and Enishi's forgiveness, or is it only the beginning?

He would have gone over these questions again and again in his mind, when waves of laughter rocked the silence of the wind around him.  Even in his sadness, Kenshin had to smile.

. . . . . . . . . .