("Do Not Forget")
By Hotaru Disclaimer: I don't own RRK. Sessha's just bored to death so s/he decided to pick on the poor rurouni… ^_^ Warning: Current rating is PG for language, but may be "R" in the other chapters. I guarantee though, that there are NO lemons in THIS chapter. Just angst and a lot of tears… Also: This is not a K&T fic, and goes beyond the TV series and the manga. Setting is the same as the classic RRK we all know, but additional characters will be coming in. The whole story of course takes place after the Jinchu Arc but before the last chapters of the final volume of the manga. In this chapter, focus is on Kaoru's thoughts about her relationship with Kenshin. Chapter 2: The Stare of Death"Hey, ugly, I think that means you had ta do the dishes tonight, cause you ain't gonna win from Tokyo samurai Myojin Yahiko!"
"Who are you calling ugly, you pig-headed twerp!" Kaoru screamed hurling a ball in Yahiko's direction and failing miserably to hit her target. Oh well. Who ever said one can be an expert in snowballing and kenjutsu at the same time?
"Oh yeah? Well, why don't you take this!!!" Yahiko grinned, hurling another snowball. This time, it missed Kaoru, hitting instead the overhanging branches above her, heavy with snow.
Yahiko was laughing his lungs out. "Geez, Kaoru, you better shape up, or you'd be turning into an even uglier busu by the time this is over!!!"
That's it! Kaoru gritted, straining to get her hands on her impetuous, not to mention rude, brutish, and obnoxious attacker. It was useless trying to be ladylike. Even if Kenshin were watching, she wouldn't think twice about shoving snow into that big-mouthed Yahiko when she gets the chance!
"Oi, Kaoru," he called out to her, his voice filled with mock contempt. "Before you get pissed off and wrinkled up like a raisin, you might wanna know that Kenshin's watching! Though I can't figure out what he EVER sees in a busu like you, I sure hope it's not a big, fat, stupid snow monster who's too slow to get out of a little snow!"
Without even thinking, Kaoru glanced in the particular direction of the house where Kenshin was sitting quietly, a small pink spot on the porch, which was perfectly in their line of sight. She blushed, hating herself for allowing Yahiko to distract her with such stupid nonsense. Of course Kenshin would be watching. He always does when he's worried. Worried about snow?
Geez, can't you loosen up a little Kenshin?Demo…
Kaoru looked up, feeling the snow on her face. For Kenshin, she was sure that the snow could only mean one thing. Otsu…Tomoe…the first and only woman Kenshin loved in that painful, distant past…and may love until now. It was a foolish idea, this idea of hers that going to Otsu may finally allow him to confront those pent-up mixed emotions he had been keeping bottled inside of him all these years. She remembered that night when she told them about Dr. Genzai's invitation to stay with his relatives for the rest of the winter break. Of course, there were already half a dozen excuses in her head—excuses that may settle the matter for good without having to disturb anyone's—especially Kenshin's—peace. But was it pride or foolishness that forced her to be brave? She knew that until she can be sure about Kenshin's feelings, she can never really be happy. Her inner voice berated her for that.
But love isn't about happiness, stupid! It's about endurance…what you would endure for the one you love…the one you would love through all the hardship, sorrow, and regret…through the pain of not being loved in return…
Demo…
Kaoru knew that her real anxiety lies not so much in the realization but the acceptance of such an insight. But that is precisely the question. Can she accept those limitations and live a normal life, knowing that things cannot change and perhaps never will? That no matter what she did, or could ever do, she cannot change his life, a life built around things that didn't include her, and which she might never fully comprehend?
Knowing is so different from feeling isn't it? You may have told me about your past, but you can never share those feelings you keep inside to a stranger, an outsider such as myself… Maybe not because you don't trust that I will understand… but more because you don't trust that I will be able to endure and accept, what you yourself had struggled to endure and accept all these years…
Still…
Is it too much to hope the impossible? To convince you that happiness cannot be given if it is not received? Happiness could never be as powerful as your guilt and awareness of crime, as overwhelming as your need for forgiveness, redemption, and peace… But without it, there will be no search fro meaning… and no meaning behind all the sacrifices we make to deserve it…
But for now…
She looked up at the snow…
You are MY truth. The truth of my existence. Why I am here. Why I suffer. Why I endure. Why I smile despite it all. Why I love despite it all. I may not BE the answer you're looking for… but I WILL be here to smile for you when the answer is too painful, too difficult to bear and endure on your own.
And that's all that really matters. My feelings can wait…
She looked at him across the white uneven landscape … so still… so quiet, so far away…
So lost… in the dark gray of unbidden memories…
Just be honest with me Kenshin… Show me your true feelings… I can endure it if only you will let me feel even a little of that sorrow… a little of that suffering…
-Really now?
Kaoru inhaled sharply. She recognized that voice—the voice of that other mind, that will of hers that would never be deceived.
Why can't you just leave me alone!
-Why should I? You said you want HIM to be honest don't you? Well, I'm the one being honest here, if you really think about it! If you want honesty, then stop fooling yourself with all this crap about wanting Kenshin to be honest with you. Because that's not what you really want Kaoru. What you want is to be loved.
Kaoru bristled with shock at that. What do you really know about my feelings? You don't know anything! You hate honesty because you don't know the truth about Kenshin, or about what I feel for Kenshin!!
-Tell me then. Can you be honest enough to admit that his rejection won't mean anything to you? Honest enough to admit that all you can ever be to him is a home… a quiet little sanctuary the rurouni's battered ego can run to, to hide from his other self? You may believe him when he proved to Enishi how important you've become…but are you entirely convinced that that is precisely what you want? To be important? No. Deep in your heart, you want to be more than that, don't you?
Kaoru flinched. I'm not making assumptions about how he feels about me…
-Because nothing has ever been certain between the two of you, isn't it? Even now, you're scared to believe that Kenshin only needs you to help him forget…To forget the memory of a loved one he had lost and can never replace…
Why are you saying these things? Kaoru frowned, fisting a lump of snow. I know what I want and being here in Otsu has nothing to do with me. All I ever want is for Kenshin to…to…
-To love you. That's what you really want Kaoru…all you really want from Kenshin. Too bad you can't say it, even to yourself!
Impossible! I'm not such a fool as to believe that, just because he cares about me…
-Of course he cares! After all, hasn't he said goodbye to Tomoe's grave that day you and he walked hand in hand in Kyoto? But you know in your heart that that is no promise. He may have said goodbye to settle his feelings for Tomoe once and for all, but has that helped him settle his feelings for you? You may have given him a home…demo…for a man such as your rurouni who had been lonely for far too long, and had endured too many for a single lifetime, the only real home is his memories…
And memories outlive goodbyes…
Kaoru tried to blink away the snow getting into her eyes, but they melted like tears as quickly as she felt them, making her cheeks soggy with frozen wetness. She shook her head.
You just don't understand! If Kenshin wants to love somebody else, why shouldn't I let him? It doesn't matter if he chooses to love Tomoe until forever! All I want is for Kenshin to be free…free to be himself, to live the way he wanted to live his life…
And that means…that means being free to love whoever he chooses…
And I won't get in the way because…
She felt her cheeks grow numb with the seeping coldness of snow melting like tears on her face.
Because I'm just someone to protect…
"Oi, ugly, what's with the look?" Yahiko shouted, his brows creased suspiciously. "Are you thinking about Kenshin again? Geez, you really are a—"
Whatever it is he was about to say was left unsaid as Kaoru waved a fist at him. "Shut up, you, you--when I'm through with you, I'd--"
Now what? Yahiko's mouth hung open, showing all his cavities. Is her stupid student up to something again?
Then she felt it. The tremor. Her feet was buried in layers and layers of snow, and she had to admit they were getting numb every second, but still she felt it. Is the ground really vibrating, or is that her own legs trembling in the coldness?
Kenshin stood up. Kaoru and Yahiko were at least several meters away, but he could sense very clearly that there was something wrong.
He only trusted his instincts.
. . . . . . . . . .
