Wasurenaide
("Do Not Forget")
by Hotaru
Disclaimer: I don't own RRK—not wholly at least. Only the rights to wishful thinking.
Warning: PG-13 here. A lot of introspection. The focus is on Kenshin's thoughts, and how they will lead him to a crucial decision.
Also: Please R&R. Thanks to those who did, like May and kumo. Please stick around for a while. Action's a bit slow for now, but I hope it will help explain a lot of things that will happen in the future.
Chapter 3: Desperation
"Oi, Kenshin where d'ya think you're going??!!"
Kenshin had no time to answer. "Kaoru-dono! Yahiko!" he screamed, running into their direction. But the snow only pulled him down with each step, blocking each hurried stride as he struggled to get to Kaoru and Yahiko in time before…
"Was that Ken-san??" Megumi asked, awakened by the mad urgency of the voice breaking the silence around them.
Sano stood up, staring after Kenshin. "I dunno what's come over Ken--"
Then they both felt it.
Could it be…Demo…it's impossible…
She and Sano exchanged looks.
"An avalanche!!!" Megumi finally found her breath, her face turning as white as the snow swirling right in front of her. She looked desperately at Sano.
But Sano was already gone, racing after Kenshin with the same desperate urgency that showed in the rurouni's face.
Gods, why do you hafta keep doin' this to us??!! Sano hissed, ignoring the sharp sting of the air slicing through his skin. Kenshin's back was yards away, his red hair urging him on like a beacon. Shit, how could he run like that with all this darn snow??!! he snarled, as his leg got caught in another drift that made him stumble for the third time. He was lagging behind, and Kenshin himself was not getting any closer to where Yahiko and Kaoru stood frozen.
I really thought things have changed when I got back. Well, not that a year is really THAT long to begin with…But here we are again, looking after each other like old times. Something tells me I should be happy about that, but I know better!! If Kenshin doesn't start acting around Jo-chan the way he should, something like this would have to keep happening just to bring them together…Shit…I don't think I'd have enough heart to see him so messed up again…and definitely not enough guts to see Kaoru go down before that stupid Kenshin could ever say what he truly feels about her!!!
Yahiko froze, his mind a blank as the wave of whiteness came crashing, hurling itself in their direction.
Kaoru didn't have to think to know what was happening. But her concern right now is getting Yahiko to listen. And move. The boy was obviously dumbstruck, too afraid to even budge, as much as blink. "Yahiko, get out of here, you hear me!! Yahiko!!"
But Yahiko just stood there, speechless, livid.
"Hey listen, you IDIOT!!!" she desperately flung a handful of snow in his direction, smacking him right on the cheek.
Yahiko blinked. It was then that he realized that Kaoru was still buried waist deep in snow. If they run right now, they might have a chance, but…
He inched his way toward his teacher.
"STUPID!!!" she screamed with all her might. That got his attention.
She thanked kami for that. She leveled her gaze at him.
"Didn't you hear what I said? Run and get Kenshin!! There's no time to lose!!"
At the sound of Kenshin's name, Yahiko suddenly tensed, his eyes becoming more focused.
She's right. Get Kenshin. Kenshin always knows what to do.
"Hurry!! Quit standing there and hurry!!"
Yahiko moved as fast as his legs could carry him.
Kaoru bowed her head. She could feel the earth beneath her shaking with a deadly urgency that only betrayed the truth. They wouldn't be able to get to her in time. Even if Kenshin could fly, it would be too late.
She knew that. She only needed something to say to Yahiko to get him to leave. There is no other way her one and only student will leave her behind to save himself. He was always thoughtful…so concerned about her when she needed to believe in something, no matter how hopeless it seemed. She would never forget those times they spent together, teacher and student, looking for Kenshin in Kyoto…That time when he convinced her that the trip was worth making because Kenshin cared for her.
Yes, Kenshin cared. It might have been not enough, but it was good enough to keep her hoping…
Kenshin's heart stopped. Before him was nothing but a boundless sea of empty whiteness, soft, silver, and serene under the yawning gray above them.
Such silences…like the singing of the night wind under a starless sky…
In Sano's grip, the loosened collar of Yahiko's gi dangled, along with the boy, who was struggling stubbornly, in the midst of all the crying and cursing he was leveling against the gangster, his angry face ghostly pale, contorted with misery and contempt.
"Kaoru!!! You let me go, didn't I tell you, you big brute!!!" he screamed vindictively, trying to swing a punch in Sano's direction.
He looked down at the boy. The gaze he gave him was more pathetic than the awkward punches, the clamor and the howling he let them see and hear.
"Kaoru…Kaoru told me to get Kenshin…" he sobbed, his voice breaking. "I didn't want to leave her…She told me I should run back to get Kenshin!!! De-demo…de-demo…she lied…she always lied about things…"
Yahiko curled himself into a miserable heap, the moment Sano let go of his collar. He flung his hands on the snow.
"She always lies when she cares…Just like Kaoru…She always lies to me…she always lies when she cares…"
Kenshin trembled at the sound of his broken, heart-wrenching sobs. But it was those words that cut through him like a dagger.
She always lies when she cares…
He understood it now. And the understanding washed over him like a tidal wave.
She knew what Otsu meant to me…wanted us…wanted me to be here because…
Because she knew that…that Tomoe and I…
He closed his eyes and remembered the way Kaoru smiled when she announced their trip to Otsu. Remembered it now with vivid clarity. And understood the sadness that must have lingered there…
So I'm not the only one in pain…
His lack of insight, his blindness, was like a shard falling into calm waters, shattering its unperturbed stillness. Without thinking, he stepped forward, ignoring the soaking wetness of the snow pulling him down with every step. Sano watched him, his eyes glazed.
"Hey—Kenshin, waddaya think you're doing? You think you can find Jo-chan in all these without help? Look at all this shitty mess…"
Kenshin threw him a look. His lips were deathly pale, but his eyes burned.
"She is my responsibility, Sano. She had always been. And I will not accept any other argument…"
Sano forgot what he was about to say. He frowned, shifting his gaze to the boy lying crumpled to his feet, then to the figure marching into oblivion.
Shit, it's impossible to get through to him when he's in this mood. Jo-chan, you'd better live or I won't be responsible for what Kenshin might do to himself if you die. That stupid jerk is in love with you, he just doesn't know it yet! But he ain't good at hiding it either!!!
Kenshin moved on, oblivious of anyone's presence. Oblivious of the snow soaking his gi, his scarf, his hair…
No, he wouldn't let the snow weep for him again. Kaoru must live. She would have to live because…
…Because…
-As you said, she is your responsibility. That is all.
Kenshin froze, his mind confused, angry, calculating. Whatever else I may feel for her is not your concern…
-Come now. We have been through this a dozen times, haven't we? You said it yourself. A hitokiri is a weapon. An efficient weapon has no feelings. No hate. No desire. No love…
I'm no longer the hitokiri. That was over. It was over when I took up my sakaba sword to protect the ones I love…
-Love? What do you know about love? Guilt perhaps would come closer…
Kenshin continued walking, throwing his scarf around his shoulder.
-Doesn't it tire you? This guilt? This endless atonement? Isn't your little Kaoru just part of that? Part of your desire to create the happiness you weren't able to give to that 'other' woman who really mattered…
Kenshin closed his eyes. Demo…Tomoe is different.
-Of course…The voice echoed in his mind with painful clarity. Because she awakened what little humanity survived within the cold-hearted Battousai, so that you—the rurouni you intend to be--may live. Isn't that the promise you left her that day you held her in your arms and wept under all this snow? Do you think it is that easy to forget? Do you think having that little Kaoru-dono of yours shall be any comfort? You may have said your goodbye, but that was meant to convince yourself, more than that sweet, innocent girl, that it's finally over between you and Himura Tomoe.
That's NOT true…
--A snicker. How the truth hurts!!! So why would she ask you to come here if she were certain about your feelings? Until now, you haven't chosen have you? And that's it. She took you here to help you make the final choice…but can you do it? Can you open her eyes to the truth that you can never give her what she really wanted?
Kenshin felt his feet sink with a heaviness he could not control. All she wanted is for me to stay with her. Nothing more.
-How certain are you really, Himura? You have heard what the boy said. She lies when she cares. To stay with you…what could it really mean? To stay with you as what?
It doesn't matter. All I need to know is that she needs me.
-That may be true. But deep inside you're afraid to have anything to do with her. Your uncertainty, your lack of conviction only betrays this hidden truth…
-Yet, if there is one thing you can't deny, it's the fact that no amount of atonement can compare with what Tomoe had done for you. Your Kaoru-dono may be perfect--almost to a fault--but her purpose is to inspire goodness in the rurouni, and nothing more. Against Tomoe who had shared her most intimate passions with you, Kaoru is but a child. Someone to protect…someone you can safely be with without worrying about those urges getting in the way, isn't that right?
The glimmer in Kenshin's violet eyes intensified, becoming almost steely, like knives…
I won't let anyone say that of Kaoru-dono…
The voice laughed, a silvery peal of laughter disturbing the silence of his thoughts. Shocked, aren't we, rurouni? Do you really believe you can hide your fears and fantasies from me? The richness of her virginity is lost on you, or perhaps you have simply refused to think about it, knowing how much it tests your self-control each day she would smile and look at you with those cool, blue eyes achingly, as if wanting to surrender herself completely, and irrevocably to your will, if you would only take her. But you wouldn't dare would you? You wouldn't dare because you're afraid that by touching her, you'd see another woman, feel another's presence in your arms. And that is the most painful of all…
Kenshin frowned, his breathing becoming heavier. The boundary has always been clearly drawn between us. I am nothing but a rurouni. To someone who's been tainted with so much blood, so much evil, what she did was far beyond the worth of any gratitude I might give in this lifetime, and for that, I can only thank her…But the voice merely chuckled, provoking the tense stillness of that inner calm of his. Honorable, aren't we? Or simply repressed? Suppressing your manhood all these years may have allowed you to rationalize such things, but I think you would agree if I tell you that repression does nothing more than make one's feelings even stronger… Besides, what is this talk of protection? Sure, you've managed to protect her from all sorts of enemies but how do you protect anyone from shame, rurouni? Do you think any other man will take her, knowing that she had long been spoken for that day you stepped into her dojo and vowed to protect her? No man protects anything that is not his, and she, no matter how you deny it now, has always been yours. No samurai who lives with an unmarried woman spares her virginity, in this time and age, and you know that very well too, don't you? So whether you take her innocence to bed or not, she will never be an innocent in the eyes of another man. You have ruined her without you even knowing it. And she is far too naïve to even blame you for it!!!
Kenshin stumbled forward, the sakaba plunging into the depths of the snow to support his weight. He had suddenly felt weak…drained…his heart beating in his ears, his mouth opened wide to suck in the air his lungs refused to breath. In his mind, he knew those words said nothing less than the truth.
-You've always wanted her, don't you? You wanted her because you wanted to feel what it is like to hold a woman in your arms and possess her completely—the way you did with Tomoe…except that she's dead. And Kaoru…Kaoru is warm, alive, waiting for you to take her and make her yours…without the slightest resistance…
-In the end, what you feel for Kaoru is nothing more than a shadow of what you still feel for your dead wife…
-Tell me now, can you choose Kaoru when it is Tomoe who is really in your heart? When it is Tomoe who continues to wake the slumber of your manhood even in your dreams?
Demo…what I feel for Tomoe has always been different…Not stronger…Just different…
-Intimacy makes a big difference…Too bad your innocent little Kaoru may not live long enough to find out…
Iya…I won't let you or anyone say that of Kaoru-dono!!! She would live in this life and in the next…and I will be here to make sure that death doesn't come between us…Not here, not now, not when I haven't told her…haven't told her things that needed to be said…
He looked up. The snow had stop falling. A slight sunshine was peering from the clouds, melting the snow on his face into tiny dewdrops. He shook them away, and looked into the distance, spanned by a canopy of endless white.
If the sun continues to shine like this, the snow would soon be melting away...
A slight wind brushed against his cheek. It was not so cold.
Leaving the sheathed sakaba standing in the snow, Kenshin leveled his gaze to the traceless path stretching before him.
Kenshin, remember when you said goodbye, I wasn't able to say anything?
Dakara…
Now I'm going to say what's in my heart.
Okaerinasai…Welcome home, Kenshin…
Home… he whispered into the wind, lifting strands of hair from his face. I have never said that word for a long time…not knowing it could mean more than I ever imagined…
Something fluttered from a distance, catching his eager eyes. It was a piece of cloth—a piece of blue cloth that seemed familiar. He picked it up, his wide violet eyes shimmering as the sight dawned on him with sudden recognition …
It was Kaoru's favorite blue ribbon…
It was that other promise…
The promise to protect… unworthy as he is, that is a promise he will NEVER fail to keep, whatever the circumstamces.
-But you forget… death releases us from all obligation… just as Tomoe's death released you from that promise you made… that promise you vowed to keep nevertheless because it was the only thing that binds you to her…to the woman whose sorrow is more precious than the happiness this world has to offer… because sorrow binds more deeply… and suffering endures more than happiness…
Kenshin wrapped the ribbon around his right hand as he reached down the snow, digging his fingers into its cold depths with desperate urgency, his mind a knot of memories and emotions.
Gomen…if I have any last promise to keep in this life, it will be to protect Kaoru-dono…That may not be enough…demo…I know we will endure…
And there is nothing to worry. True, a man may have his weaknesses…human nature can hardly ever be constant long enough…demo…there is no reason to be afraid. Sessha can never hurt you, or do anything to lose your trust…because that is all I ever have that matters now…the trust that allowed us to be together. Because you trusted me, I learned that I can be me whether you understood or not.
You made me feel that THAT never really mattered.
Because you'd welcome me just the same.
Gave me a reason to believe that there is hope…and forgiveness…
That even for someone like me…there can be peace…
True, Tomoe had given me the gift of myself—the strength to leave the hitokiri behind to start a new life. I will always be grateful for that. But you have given me a reason to see that gift for what it is.
A reason to fight...
A reason to believe...
A reason to go on…
With you…to remind me always…that I have someone to fight for, to believe in, and to live for, until I can be at peace…
Do you understand now how you've become the most important person to me?
Which is why, whatever happens, I won't let you die…
I can't let you die…not in this cold…not while I'm still here…
Kenshin parted the snow with both hands, sensing the pulse of life beneath. It hardly matters to him now how his fingers bleed with the sensation of a thousand needles pricking and numbing him to the bone. After all, the snow was cold at that time too…
Demo…I know what real coldness feels like. The coldness that feels like death…
That is the only thing I will not endure…
Because…because…
He had always known the answer.
Undeserving as I am, kami knows how much I want you to stay with me…
Just as you want me to stay with you…
Only that promise, Kaoru…
Everything else won't matter.
