Also: My thanks to Nightrain (yeah, internal conflicts—I have tons of that myself which keep me up all night ^_^ ), lere (Kaoru's love is pretty strong—she's just too damned shy like this poor sessha here who'd rather write than get a life, ha ha ha…sweatdrops later), Shiomei (introspection—I love introspection too, really!!! Makes me feel like I'm my own best listener…), kumo (thanks, I just wish those insights won't run away when I need them…), Calger 459 (yare, yare, thanks for the tense-reminder. I do switch a lot, don't I? I'm so embarrassed!!! ---hides my face under a blanket ^_^), and May (thanks for the simple encouragement!!! I'd try to stick around for a while, thanks to you!!!)
Please read and review as you please!!! I owe you guys a LOT!!! Domo arigatou and happy reading—err…I forgot…we got major angst here… ^~^ Uh… sober reading??? (more sweatdrops!!!)
Chapter 4: Forgiveness
Yukime woke up with a heavy feeling in her head. It was almost midday. She had not eaten dinner, worried over the fact that the man she had seen so often in her nightmares was just a village away, in a lodging near the mountains where she used to go every year to visit her cousin's grave. She had heard so many things about the Battousai, how he made Tomoe-san miserable when she was still alive…how he had come to kill her, how Enishi went almost mad with utter despair and loneliness at her sister's death. She could not blame Enishi for that. Who would or could forget so easily such a sweet, shy, creature as Tomoe-san? No other soul with such kindness, such endurance, could ever deserve her place. Tomoe had suffered so. And undeservedly. Of all the people she knew, Tomoe deserved happiness. Companionship. Love. She thought of all the good times they shared when they were still in Tokyo, when she still lived in the great Yukishiro ancestral home with their aunts and cousins. Tomoe was very young then. Beautiful and young. The envy of all the young women in the family. The desire of all men worthy of her beauty and esteem. Now only she—Yukime—remained. Enishi, she had heard, disappeared in China. There were rumors of his return to Tokyo, his meeting with the Battousai, his capture by the police, then his disappearance. She was told that his escape must have been a lie fabricated by the authorities to cover up the fact that he'd been executed too. Like the rest of the Yukishiro clan who had been wiped out by the madness of the Bakumatsu, he was cleanly effaced from the world of the living.
And it was all because of this Battousai…all because of this one murderer, who—may kami forgive her—undeservedly continues to live. Why can't such a monster die?
Ah, I only pray that his conscience doesn't let him rest day and night. May he suffer an eternity of torment greater than hell itself…
But she knew very well that she won't rest until she sees him—sees him with her own eyes dead. Dead. Finally and utterly dead.
If not by her own hands, then those of the ghosts who can reach his very thoughts, his dreams, and destroy the man from within.
Indeed. You may be one immortal, Battousai—undefeatable, a legendary warrior whose skills are matchless in this world. But in the world of dreams, you are weak. You must be weak. No human can live like you do without a weakness. And if it isn't your body, then it must be your mind. I will poison your mind with nightmares such as you've never imagined possible. I only have to dig into the darkness, the evil within you, to create the very shadows that can destroy you.
Because you, of all people, deserve to die.
If I may have one guilt to carry for eternity, that would be the only one worth my happiness…
"Yukime-dono…awake so early? Have you heard what happened? Over at the mountains?"
Her heart skipped. Does it have to do with him? The Battousai? The very ground he walks on must be cursed that none may rest in peace when he's near…
She smiled, not in the bit showing her agitation. "What could have happened over at the mountains, Ayabe-san?"
Her guardian and protector, the last remaining ally and vassal of the dead Yukishiro clan looked outside the window. The snow had begun to fall again.
"An avalanche woke the whole village. Thank goodness it didn't hurt anyone, save one who was staying at the old Genzai lodging. I heard Genzai-san received some visitors of his old uncle—visitors from Tokyo, I believe."
Yukime almost jumped at that. But she only inclined her head away from the window and the sunlight, through which her companion might see her face and read her thoughts. If kami heard my prayer, it would have to be him. Why can't it be him? My only regret is not seeing him die equal to what he really deserves!!
"It was a girl. Half of the village climbed the west side of the mountain to look for her. Such a waste. That one so young should be made to suffer something so horrible…"
Yukime gasped inwardly. She need not hide her disappointment and regret. "Hai…a girl out in the cold, bitter snow. I pray that she's alright."
"You are very kind Yukime-dono. I was planning to go there myself to help out. Genzai-san and I after all, are old acquaintances. Demo, I was worried of leaving you here all alone. Have you visited the grave?"
Yukime's attention however, was somewhere else. Her eyes shone with the knowledge that the opportunity had not been wasted after all. She had just found the perfect excuse to be near this—this Battousai. This monster whose scar, the legend says, had been given by one who suffered the most in his hands…by one who had not forgiven…Yes, she would seek him out, and stare into the blood-scarred face of his, and tell him…tell him in his death-bed that there is no mercy. No mercy for the likes of such a monster, in this world and beyond.
"Yukime-dono?"
She lifted her face to him, her eyes brimming with hopeful expectations.
"If it wouldn't be such a bother Ayabe-san, can I come along? I might be able to help them…in some way…in any way. Now that you've mentioned it, I don't think I can just let that poor girl die out there. I'd help them look for her."
Ayabe-san's eyes glowed with suppressed admiration. "Hai, mochiron!!! I just hope you'd be careful, Yukime-dono. And I assure you that I'd stay to help and watch over you, just in case you need me. For your safety, I can't let you go there on your own. Demo…"
"What is it?" she asked quickly, seeing the crease of worry on his face.
"You've never been in other people's company for quite some time, and I might fall back on my old habit of addressing you with all the respect and courtesy that a true Yukishiro deserved…"
She paled at that, suddenly concerned.
"Iie, I know that such small things can't be overlooked. As far as the present is concerned, the Yukishiros have all died in the war. People might not care, but that's just like them. Men have such frail memories, they can't write history until it is repeated."
"You are wise beyond my imagination, Ayabe-san…" she smiled.
He blushed. Yukime, he kept reminding himself, is almost as good as—if not worth more than—royalty. Ten years his junior, she still looked young and vibrant, as if time had not touched her seven and twenty years. Marrying her to the most noble gentleman he could find had once been a problem. But now…now that he had grown accustomed to her presence, he couldn't say that marriage would be her best means of survival...
Besides, there seems to be no gentleman as yet, existing in this world, who is worthy of her. For not only was she beautiful as all other girls are beautiful. She was regal, if she only had the resources, and the luxury, to look her kind, and keep the company of nobles. Trained and educated in secret by the Namuda family—his own family who had sworn to protect, with their last dying breath, the last—or possibly the last—surviving Yukishiro, Yukime had grown up an exceptional woman. Not only was she endowed with talents in the use of five musical instruments, she knew all the traditional basic arts that women nowadays seem to neglect. In his youth, he had grown up with the Yukishiro children, noted their natural grace and beauty, and knew with certainty that they deserve no less than princes. That one…the unfortunate one by the name of Tomoe…she was just a bit older than Yukime herself, and acted as an older sister, looking to her every need. Yukime had Tomoe's fragile frame, her bearing, her height, her eyes. Those eyes were often sad, often dreamy and distant. He had seen and spoken to Tomoe that night he delivered the news about her fiancé. He cringed just to think what kind of horror he brought to her doorstep. Tomoe was speechless from that moment when he uttered the words "dead in Kyoto." She stayed in her room for weeks, ignoring sound, company, even food. Enishi, her younger brother whose affection for her had no rival also failed to shake her out of her melancholia. That was his greatest fear—to see Yukime endure that kind of suffering. From then on, he promised to look after the remaining Yukishiros' well-being as a sacred oath that none of them…not a single soul sharing their blood…should ever be made to suffer.
"Shouldn't we be going now, Ayabe-san?"
"U-huh? Mochiron, Yukime-dono!" he told her, grabbing her scarf. "It's cold outside. You will need this."
"Arigatou gozaimasu, Ayabe-san…"
The village was not far, and the lodging was not difficult to reach, for it stood on the lower part of the western side of the mountain, near a cliff. In the distance she could already see them—about a dozen people digging in the snow. One of them--she could see him distinctly in the distance--had hair the color of copper. She stopped, suddenly alarmed.
Could it be? Could it finally be him? All these years that I prayed for courage…Now…now is the time to test that courage, kami…
"Yukime-dono? Is something the matter?"
"Gomen ne, Ayabe-san. It's just a little wind, that's all," she lied. How did she learn to do that so easily?
Sano looked at Kenshin. His eyes were focused, determined, an obsessive hunger glinting through them, giving him a daunting look. Even if he's no longer the Battousai, there are times I'd have to admit he scares me…
Kenshin's eyes widened. Sano knew it must be a sign…
"Sano!!"
He needn't call him twice.
"Jo-chan??!!"
Kenshin dug his hands deeper, scooping immense lumps of snow off the face of the figure lying in the snow.
Sano saw it. And understood the terrible fear gripping Kenshin's dumbstruck features.
Kaoru's face was cold. Utterly cold. Blue. Lifeless.
"Kaoru-dono!!"
Megumi must have heard him. She came up from behind Sano and gasped.
"Megumi-dono!!" Kenshin pulled out the hand of the girl buried deep in the snow, with barely her face showing. "Onegai…"
She knew what to do. She grabbed the small limp hand and felt for the pulse.
There was nothing.
The desperate look in Megumi's face must have alarmed Kenshin, for he craned his arm to reach into the depths of the snow and…
Kaoru's face came up, cradled in his arm. He gave Megumi a desperate look. "Megumi-dono…"
Megumi felt for the pulse on the side of the little girl's neck. Still nothing there.
She felt a tear streak down her face.
"Oi, this is no time for crying!! Why don't you pay attention to keeping her alive, because there's no way Jo-chan's gonna die you hear me??!!"
For the first time, Megumi didn't quarrel with Sano. She looked at his agitated features, and for one second, smiled. A very sad, but not unfriendly smile.
Sano was surprised. "Me-Megumi…"
"We won't let her die. Now that we're all together again, she can't die just like this and leave us behind…"
Kenshin brushed a stray lock of hair off Kaoru's cheek. It was cold. So cold. He used to look into that same face and feel the warmth of sunshine peering into her eyes. Now all of that is gone.
No. He wouldn't allow it. Not in this snow.
Again.
He embraced Kaoru's limp form, pulling the rest of her body out of the snow and into his lap, hiding her face in his gi where he might give her the warmth of his need to touch, to be there, to hold her and keep her safe…things he was afraid to give because he was afraid of…
Afraid of himself… of having neither the courage to stay, nor the resolve to let go… That almost happened in Tokyo, when he said goodbye…
But now, more than ever, he was utterly afraid to lose her…to leave the feel of her so close to him, with nothing between them but themselves.
Then a presence…some unfamiliar hand touched his shoulder. He had sensed the touch, rather than felt it, his eyes growing harsh at the acknowledgement of a stranger's hand close to him…to her…At this moment, anything that may come between them must be a threat.
The figure backed off. Such strong emotions…she felt that they were under the strictest control, yet, even in that state, they might have been powerful enough to hurt her, destabilize her emotions, if she had been less guarded.
Kenshin spun around to look at the stranger who had disturbed his peace.
Their eyes met. She would have gasped.
The cross-scar…
"So, who're you? Kenshin's acquaintance?" Sano glibly asked, his voice rude and harsh. "I dunno, if this is the right time for renewing acquaintances…"
She bowed her head, offering a courteous apology. "Gomen nasai…I came to help…I thought I may be of help…"
Megumi frowned, her eyebrows arched suspiciously. "Still, you haven't really answered the first question. Who are you?"
She bowed her head again, then lifted it for all to see. "My name is Yukime. Namuda Yukime. I came with my uncle," she gestured slightly, sidestepping a little so that they may see the figure standing a couple of feet behind her, in a worn traveler's cloak, his face hidden in his straw-brimmed hat. "He lives here in Otsu and knew the Genzai family. He told me about what happened this morning, in this village. I came as quickly as I can."
"You're a doctor?" Sano asked shrewdly, eyeing her with unsuppressed suspicion.
Ayabe gritted his teeth in silence. He would have smacked that man in the face with a bone-crunching punch if he can only do so without betraying Yukime. She's a Yukishiro and a lady at that. She deserved respect more than anyone.
Especially from that fucking, disrespectful low-life.
Yukime smiled at Sano, her face becoming more beautiful and regal when she did. "I've been trained in the arts. The Namuda family have good doctors."
Sano gave her a wry, I-don't-give-a-damn-about-that look. But it was obvious that he was avoiding her gaze, especially when she smiled at him with those sad, distant brown eyes. Megumi cocked her head away from the two in exasperation. Even in this kind of situation, Sano wouldn't be able to deceive her. The woman is beautiful beyond words. And charming. She can use that smile like a weapon that could win over any man completely, without any struggle.
Then her eyes fleeted to Kenshin. She gasped inwardly, asking herself not to believe what she was seeing. Unlike Sano, he openly stared at the woman. Stared at the woman with those violet eyes that glimmered…but with a different emotion.
Ken-san???
Her eyes traveled back to the woman and noticed that she was carefully avoiding his gaze.
Is she someone you knew? Like a ghost in one of your pasts? This is after all Otsu… a place of memory…
Megumi stared at Kenshin. He was still speechless, his eyes aghast.
Like he had indeed seen a ghost.
"Ke--Ken-san?"
He stood up abruptly as if rudely awakened from a dream, bowing his head at Yukime. Kaoru's head nestled softly on his breast, her limp form cradled gently—possessively—in his arms like precious glass, her face protectively hidden in the folds of his gi. He looked at Megumi with unreadable eyes.
"Gomen nasai Megumi-dono, demo, I would have to ask you to come with me to look after Kaoru-dono. I'm taking her inside the house to get her warm. Sano," he said, craning his head ever so slightly to look at the gangster with the air of command. "Onegai, please bring in Yahiko and the others as well. Megumi-dono?"
Megumi's eyes fluttered with acknowledgement at the urgent sound in Kenshin's voice, which motioned her to follow, Kaoru still cradled protectively in his arms. Megumi sighed inwardly, taking in the sharp sting of ice around her.
Daijoubu ne… I'll do my best to make Kaoru live…For you…Because it tears me up to see you Ken-san like this…To see you in so much pain…
And I love you…like I've never loved anyone else…
That's all the reason I need.
"Onegai, matte!!!"
Kenshin stopped at the sound of the woman's voice, but didn't turn. Megumi however, glanced over her shoulder, and caught the sight of the hesitating figure who stood with her hands clasped in front of her, her eyes looking at Kenshin with suppressed emotions. Megumi raised an eyebrow, a hundred questions in her mind. Who is she? Why does she always seem to be looking at Ken-san, as if…as if she was someone he needed to remember…??
Yukime stood there, bowing her head at the shame she had to endure, addressing such a stranger with pleading urgency, as if he can't let him—this strange man with the scar—to pass her by without further notice.
Kenshin turned his head slightly, but his eyes wore the same expression.
Sad. Haunting.
Yukime finally found her voice. "De-demo, I'd really like to help. If you would just as much as let me see her…"
Kenshin bowed his head, resuming his walk. "Hai, Yukime-dono. Arigatou gozaimasu, for any help, and…"
He stopped. "Onegai. Forgive me for having to ask it of you now…"
Yukime's eyes fluttered open at the strange meaning of those words. Did he say forgive? Forgive him for having to ask for her help? But isn't she giving it freely? So why should there be any need for him to apologize for her help? She had come for revenge. But the first words he had spoken to her asked for forgiveness because…
Because he needed her to help him now, even if…
Yukime gasped inwardly.
Could it be? Could it be that I remind him of the wife he had betrayed? And for betraying Tomoe-san, he hadn't any right…any right at all to ask for anything…
Except for this girl…this girl who seemed more precious to him than anything. While he holds her in his arms, Tomoe-san lies dead here…in this same place…dead in the coldness of this snow…
So perfect…
So alone…
So unloved…
Megumi saw the woman's strange reaction to Kenshin's words. As if those words burned and seared her mind…the way memories do…
Sano sidled up next to her when she turned to catch up with Kenshin. The expression on his face was definitely not pleased. "Let's say we keep an eye on her fox, huh?"
She was surprised at the friendly tone in his voice, her eyes deliberately measuring the woman from a secret distance. "Hai. So you've noticed Ken-san too?"
"Who wouldn't? I would have punched him right there to remind him that he should be keeping his eyes on Jo-chan alone, but thinking about it now, I think even Kenshin's not happy to see her…whatever is there between them…ya know what I mean?"
Megumi nodded. "How do we get rid of her then? We might need her still."
"I'd think of something. But first things first. You shudda be the one to keep an eye on her especially when she keeps smiling at me that way. I mean, I don't want anyone to think I'm flirting or anything."
Megumi tossed her head sideways. "Men. I'd take care of it, if it's the last thing I'd do."
. . . . . . . . . .
Author's comments: Okay, by now you would have guessed the reason behind my choice of name. Yukime is from "yuki" which means "snow" and which is the same meaning you have in "Yukishiro" which means "snow" (yuki) plus "white" (shiro). Actually the logic is so basic I was having second thoughts about mentioning them here.
