("Do Not Forget")
By Hotaru
Disclaimer: RRK is not mine.
Warning: Rating is PG. Still lots of introspection. ^_^
Chapter 5: Heart of the HitokiriThe lodging was made warm by a kindling fire that that gangster whom they called by the name of Sano, and sometimes, idiot, especially by the beautiful woman doctor who seemed to be always hovering near her, managed with effortless efficiency. He was a loud-mouthed one, no doubt about that. Whenever he spoke, it was always with a gruff voice that either griped, complained, or scolded. He was funny though. Funny in a different sort of way. Even the doctor had a uniqueness she could not even begin to fathom. Her sharp eyes seem to see through everything—and she knew that if she could be blunt about almost anything that piqued her, she could be blunt about her. So what is she going to tell this woman if she came up to her and asked her about herself? It was easy to lie to Ayabe-san. Would it be as easy to lie to her?
Their eyes met. She did not avoid her cold stare like she had done out there, in the snow. She smiled her best, trying to be as friendly and innocent as she had never been.
Megumi shrugged off her expression and slid the shoji open, to let herself into that room where the Battousai must be…
Not once had she seen him again since she and the others have entered the lodging. Doubtless he's staying in that same room where the young girl is. Thinking back to their first meeting about an hour ago, she still could not forget his face when he uttered those words to her in the middle of that falling snow between them, the way his arms cradled the form of the young girl so protectively, so effortlessly, as if it was meant to be that way. Her curiosity would have been satisfied to see the face of that girl. To know the reason why the hitokiri was so concerned about her.
Who is she? What could she have done to deserve his affection and protection, while Tomoe-san suffered in this murderer's hands?
Is it possible for human nature to be so inconsistent? For a murderer to care for anything, save himself, and his empty pride?
Demo, that's impossible. Evil cannot know love.
Evil knows nothing that is good and beautiful in this world. All it wants is to destroy.
And by her hand, it shall perish…
She got up and walked over to the gangster they called Sano.
He looked up, suddenly abashed and angry that she should be so bold as to approach him—a perfect stranger—just like that.
Especially when Megumi promised to be the one to take care of her.
Yukime smiled at him. "Do you think it's alright if I see the patient? Megumi-dono might need my help…if that's possible."
Sano turned away, afraid to meet her gaze for some reason. "Dunno, better ask her first. She's the doc."
Yukime smiled a grateful smile. "Arigatou gozaimasu. I really hope it's alright."
She was already standing outside the shoji when it slid open, unexpectedly. Yukime was not prepared for this.
The Battousai was looking at her in the face, meeting her cool brown eyes with his own violet ones.
They were clear, honest, and…
In pain? The pain was written all over it, terrible to behold in those beautifully sad violet eyes.
She could not even move out of his way, too transfixed by the emotion in those eyes to know that she had been staring into their depths, unashamedly, distractedly, betraying herself to him.
Tomoe-san stared doubtlessly into these same eyes…and saw…must have seen what I'm seeing right now…
A soul, sad, broken and bleeding…
Aching to be understood… to be loved…
If it were not for the sound of another woman's voice, she would have stayed there frozen for an hour, just looking at him.
"Do you have any reason for this?" Megumi bluntly asked, peering from over Kenshin's shoulder.
She backed a step. "Iie…gomen ne…I asked Sano-san if I can come into the room to look at the patient, Megumi-dono, and he told me to go ahead…"
"I think I told you to ask the doc first. Those were my words, right?"
Yukime didn't know where to look, folding her hands as all three strangers crowded her, their eyes full of questions.
Kenshin stepped out of her way, his head bowed. "I agree with Sano…Demo…" He looked at her, his eyes an unreadable mask of conflicting emotions. "Kaoru-dono is resting right now. You might like to check her if you feel it's necessary."
The words were kind, without a trace of the unkind suspicion that the other faces bestowed on her so unabashedly.
She bowed her head. "Arigatou gozaimasu, Himura-dono."
"Iya…" he told her quickly, his eyes widening in surprise. "Nobody here calls me that. This sessha is no one but just Himura."
She smiled, her eyes staring into the depths of his violet ones ashamedly, and helplessly. "Hai, Himura."
Megumi felt uncomfortable, as Yukime continued to stare even if Kenshin had already turned his back on her, walking towards the fire and sitting there, his sword resting on his shoulder. She can't blame her though, for that. Kenshin seems to have that effect on all women anyway. Still…
She wasn't sure if she'd really want her competing with Kaoru too. Not that Kenshin needed to be protected from other women. His loyalty to Kaoru has been tested by time. And nothing will shake it—not another pretty face—not another beautiful woman, even if she came from some distant past…
Unless…
Unless…But that's impossible. The dead could never come back. That's the tragedy of death in the first place. But what if…isn't it possible for the dead to share his or her soul with another living human being? Isn't it possible for the dead to live through another person's eyes, through another person's heart? To be the very shadow he or she walks on?
Megumi looked at Yukime. And looked with recognition…
She had Enishi's eyes…Those cold, empty eyes…
"Wait."
Yukime stopped, the shoji half-opened to let herself in.
"Nani, Megumi-dono?"
Megumi brushed the strand of hair flying across her face and looked straight into the woman.
It was a penetrating gaze that communicated more clearly what she wouldn't say. And Yukime stared back, her eyes trying to counter that look with innocence. It was the most painful five seconds of her life.
"I will wash this towel with warm water and put it back on her forehead. I'm coming with you."
Yukime smiled, averting her eyes. "Of course."
Midnight. Kenshin felt the wind strongly beating against the window and stood up. The coldness did not help him sleep, and the warmth of the fire did nothing to make it more bearable. He knew that his restlessness had nothing to do with the weather, or the time, or the exhaustion beating him down whenever he tried to stand up. It was the worry tugging at the very edge of his consciousness every waking minute, every passing second that kept him alert despite his body's insistent protest. No. He couldn't keep his eyes closed for more than ten seconds without those images coming up again in his mind to make him worry even more. Kaoru is in a coma and he wouldn't bear to see her in his mind walking along that path…that same path she had walked when he dreamt of hell and saw in Kaoru's place those haunting eyes that warned him of the fate of another loved one…
The dream had been a warning. Only this time, it might be real.
No. Kaoru will never walk that path alone. He will never leave her in the darkness. If he must, he will go to her.
She can't die without him…
"Himura?"
The voice was quiet, calm, comforting. He turned to it with a hungry look, a look that showed how much he needed to be comforted…to be assured…the way he felt with Kaoru when she calls his name with that girlish voice of hers, that beckons to him like nothing he had ever felt for anyone…
"Himura?"
The touch on his shoulder was undeniably warm. He turned to it with a smile, seeing a soft outline in the darkness. His throat urged to call out her name, that name he had been used to calling, when he needed someone…
"Kaoru-dono…"
Yukime stepped back. Kenshin looked at him straight in the darkness, but he was looking at her with his mind's eye, as one would stare at a magician's illusions. "Himura? You've been dreaming…"
At the sound of that word, Kenshin froze, suddenly alert and focused. He blinked at the figure before him, seeming to see her for the first time. "Yu-Yukime-dono?"
She smiled slightly. "Hai."
He wondered at the closeness of her as she stood next to him, peering into his face with a worried look. Had he done something to make her worry?
"Sumimasen…is there something I can do for you?"
Yukime continued to peer into his face. Even in the darkness, the scar showed, glaring at her, against the whiteness of his skin. She could not seem to be able to take her eyes off it. Kenshin was already beginning to wonder at the look in her eyes…
A surge of fear overcame him all of a sudden, as the sudden realization of the meaning behind her sad eyes came to him, forcing him to stand up with wide awake eyes.
"Tell me! Is Kaoru-dono…"
Yukime could not move. He was holding her arm by the wrist, his touch cold, harsh, vise-like. Even his eyes were terrible to behold, for they were dilated, the blood draining from his face as he pushed the words from his lips with passionate urgency that his equally powerful will seemed to deny with violence.
"Himura…"
The shoji opened suddenly, revealing Megumi's frantic face. She saw the horrid look in Kenshin's face, the grip that caught Yukime' s wrist, and the panic in the young woman's eyes as she stared in horror at the hand that was holding her tightly, painfully…
"Ken-san!"
His eyes recognized her voice, immediately releasing the hand that trembled in his. Yukime flopped down on the floor, holding her wrist in pain as Kenshin walked over to where Megumi was. The look in his face was strained, full of restless fear.
"Megumi-dono…"
She cast a look at Yukime, then at Kenshin, trying her best to hide her worry. It was obvious that Kenshin was under stress, and at such rare moments, it is best not to cause more panic and fear than what is already stirring in Kenshin's frozen stare.
"Ken-san…Kaoru is waking up…"
That fact at least seemed to register in Kenshin's eyes. He blinked at her, his violet eyes slowly returning to their normal gaze. Yet, he seemed to have caught something in the voice with which she said that, so that he stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes staring almost vacantly at her.
Megumi looked down, unable to see the new fear in his eyes. "Ken-san… She…It was just as I feared. Kaoru…Kaoru doesn't seem to remember anything about what happened…"
Kenshin walked a step closer, so that she could not avoid looking in his direction. He held her by the shoulder, an arm's length away. "That isn't all, Megumi-dono, is it?"
She looked up, tears welling up in her eyes. "Ken-san…"
"Megumi-dono…" he whispered, still looking at her. "I need to know…"
"Ken-san…"
He braced himself for the inevitable, his eyes staring at her bravely, as if forcing himself to listen.
Megumi put her hand on his, which remained on her shoulder, forcing herself to look at him full in the face. "Kaoru is blind. She can't see us, can't remember us…I don't know for how long she will stay like this. The blindness may be temporary, demo…it may aggravate her memory loss…Things you can't see, after all, are the hardest to remember…"
Kenshin stared at her in disbelief, then his eyes softened slowly, his hand dropping from her shoulder as he took a step forward, into the half-opened shoji waiting for him.
"Ken-san…"
He stopped in his tracks, his eyes looking, staring deeply into the shadows ahead.
"Arigatou gozaimasu, Megumi-dono…" he told her, making her gasp inwardly at his unexpected reply. She turned and felt something—like the warmth of a half-smile that was sad…painfully sad but kind and filled with honest gratitude.
"Ken-san…?"
He turned to her, nodding. "Kaoru-dono's life means everything to me… Thank you, Megumi-dono, for making that at least possible…"
She looked down, suddenly nervous and uneasy. No. She has to keep her feelings in check, even now. Especially now. "There is nothing you should thank me for, Ken-san. Kaoru's the one most important person in your life now…What happened between you and Tomoe-san…Gomen ne," Megumi apologized, her hand flying to cover her mouth. Kenshin gave him a wan smile, signaling his understanding. "Demo, all I want you to know is that I'd always try my best for Kaoru, because she matters to us—and to you most—of all…"
Yukime froze. What is it about Tomoe that made Megumi bristle with embarrassment? She saw the hurt in the eyes of the scarred rurouni, but what it meant eluded her.
Kenshin reached out to the doctor, touching her shoulder with one hand.
"Megumi-dono…"
The hand was warm, gentle, friendly—like the violet eyes that offered her sympathy, concern, affection—anything but the kind that she had hoped.
She had not expected anything more.
"Megumi-dono…" he whispered, meeting her gaze. "I wouldn't forget what you've done for me…for Kaoru…and for all the people I've loved as my family. You will always be part of that. And there is nothing I won't do for you. You need only to ask it of me…"
Megumi smiled at that, tears welling in her eyes. His voice was kind. But kindness hurts when it had nothing else but kindness to offer. She met his eyes with an honesty that she knew would be her tragedy.
But better this way, than to live without letting him know what I feel…
"Iie…there is one thing I will ask of you."
Kenshin stared at her, his eyes softening. "Oro?"
Megumi nestled her head against his neck, looking up to meet his abashed face. "Onegai, kiss me, Ken-san…kiss me as if you loved me…if you even pity me, you wouldn't deny me the only memory that I'm willing to take with me to the end. Kaoru has this lifetime to share with you. All I have is this moment, this moment that I know will be my only happiness…"
Kenshin only stared, speechless. Megumi continued to look at him, enduring his silence, her pride, her pain…
He motioned towards her, and touched her cheek. It was a feather-light touch, full of hesitation, and sympathy.
"Demo, Megumi-dono… It wouldn't be right. Sumimasen…"
"Onegai…"
"Gomen nasai, Megumi-dono…This sessha didn't mean to cause you pain…I had hoped that you will find your happiness in one who is more deserving and worthy."
"You are the only happiness I will settle for. But I can't have you without hurting the girl who is dear to us both. Which is why, I left. I left to make myself forget. Demo…forgetting outlives only itself. I would rather accept my feelings for what they are, than forget. That is the only choice I can live with."
Kenshin looked at her, his eyes confused, embarrassed, a mixture of emotions. For some strange reason, those words hit home.
"Megumi-dono…"
"Hai?"
"Arigatou gozaimasu. For everything. This sessha is unworthy of anyone, but you gave me more than understanding and friendship. For that I will be eternally grateful. Demo…sumimasen… ask me anything…but that…Please understand… I will always remember your kindness, Megumi-dono… No matter how much I say those words, it will never be enough to express my gratitude… Demo… what you ask sessha to do is far from what you deserve for that kindness… I do not want you to regret anything... nor set aside someone else's affections…"
Kenshin met her eyes, as he said those words softly, his eyes shining with emotion.
"But what you say is true. We choose our happiness. And even if that happiness eludes us, we must remain strong, and continue to hope that our choices may not lead us to the answer we're looking for, but at least will guide us along the way… I think my belief that I cannot—and do not—deserve to be happy has only kept me from recognizing that this road to happiness is not mine alone to leave or take as I please, but a journey that is shared always with those people whose happiness depends on my own choices, those decisions I've taken for granted. Now that I realize this, I am ashamed to admit that perhaps, I've been selfish all this while, denying myself the truth that is precious to another living soul who loves and endures for my sake. Kaoru-dono has been patient with me, and now it seems too late to make up for lost moments, missed opportunities that could have made both of us happy. That is my only regret. But now…"
Kenshin smiled—a sad smile full of regret, but not remorse.
"Now, I cannot think of anything but Kaoru-dono's happiness… which is why I have to ask for your forgiveness once more… because I respect her and wish nothing more than to return that respect with my loyalty…and hopefully, if she would be willing, with the promise that my life and happiness shall be devoted to her life and happiness forever…"
Megumi smiled through the tears, as Kenshin disappeared quietly, into the shadows of the dark room.
Ken-san…
Kaoru heard a faint whispering close by, heard the door slide shut quietly, and felt the slight heaviness of a presence nestling on the floor near her. She felt the warmth of a fire beside her, could hear the tiny faint flickering of flames against breeze, but saw nothing. Nothing. She pushed her eyes to see through the darkness, but it was a painfully futile effort. Her eyes were opened, she was certain of a light somewhere close, but she was as blind as a bat. The mere presence of someone close betrayed the inevitable reality. She was blind. If it was merely dark, then, the figure would have stumbled into the room, instead of tiptoeing ever so carefully around her, maintaining just the right distance from where she lay. And of course, nobody would dare leave her in such darkness, without a single light to help her recognize without the slightest worry, the visitor who comes and goes into her room freely, to feel her forehead, or replace the hot towels on her feet.
Why is she here in the first place anyway? And who are these people who seemed to shower her with so much concern calling her repeatedly by a strange name, in faint, fearful whispers?
"Kaoru-dono…."
She turned to the mysterious source of that gentle, effeminate voice. Something tugged in her mind—a familiar response, a familiar smile—but whatever it is vanished into oblivion, like a forgotten dream. She struggled to say something, but the words tumbled out like a hollow echo.
"Who—who are you? Where am I?"
There was a long, interminable silence. Then the voice told her quietly, comfortingly…
"Kenshin. You can call me Kenshin."
Something in her mind started to rap like the shutters of a window against the persistent beating of a violent storm. Her eyes struggled to see beyond the darkness, to know and to recognize whose voice that was, as if her eyes were the very walls that her mind needed to see beyond, in order to understand…
And remember…
Kaoru struggled to get up. "Kenshin…"
Kenshin held her back, his hands resting on her chest, pushing her back into the mattress gently. His eyes glimmered hopefully. "Sumimasen, Kaoru-dono, demo you shouldn't be getting up just yet…Megumi-dono said so."
She looked at him pleadingly, and his heart jumped for a second. How could she not remember? They had shared more intimate moments before—moments of suppressed feelings, wherein each tried to ignore the other's closeness, diluting it with conversation that revolved around anything but themselves. It had been always painful for him. Now, the mere thought of her holding nothing back from him, because there was no feeling at all to hold back, made the pain even more unbearable.
How easier it is to endure the distance…but not this…
This absence of feeling…
This absence of her from him…the absence of that love that glowed in her eyes whenever she would call his name…
Now, now as she sat there staring at him with empty, unseeing, unknowing eyes, he could feel himself drowning into endless oblivion. Selfish as he may seem, unworthy as he may be, he wanted nothing more than to have her love him the way she always had.
Not that his love for her depended on it. No. Now that he had admitted to himself his real feelings, they grow stronger every minute, pushing in his breast like waves, each one frightening him with its intense passion and excitement. It doesn't seem like a moment can pass without him touching her, feeling her warmth, caressing her, holding her close to him where he had always imagined her to be. It was the second time that he had desired anyone again.
The first one, as all first times go, was powerful. He wouldn't dare call it lust, but it might have been that. He was younger after all, younger, and inexperienced.
But this one…As much as he desired her, he could not help but feel a tinge of embarrassment and shame at the mere thought of being intimate with her. Even his mind protests at the very image of her in his arms, of his or anyone's hands touching her in any less respectful way. While his mind rebelled at it, however, especially when he's conscious self is awake, his heart didn't. How many times had he felt guilty seeing her in his mind as a woman—a woman whom his body yearned to be with, entering its very core over and over again, in ecstatic frenzy, exploring the secret places of her very being with his own, until she had become inevitably, and completely his. His manhood had not been awakened by anyone so violently before, and this disturbed him more than ever. No matter how much he tried to convince himself, it doesn't seem possible for him to keep loving her without desiring her at some point. And the more he tried to manage both love and desire, the more it rebelled, forcing him to maintain that distance ever more insistently—to keep her from him in as safe a distance as possible, where none of these unworthy feelings can touch her.
But how he wanted her now. He had always wanted her. Suppressing such feelings only make them stronger—more unbearable. At first he needed only to tell himself that Kaoru is not only eleven years younger, more inexperienced, and purer than the driven snow itself, but she is also no ordinary girl. She trusted him beyond reason, gave him everything—a home and a family he can call his own. Such kindness deserved nothing less than respect and admiration.
But now, now that he had finally admitted that he loved her, that he can't go on not loving her, he wanted to give her more. She only has to tell him.
Kenshin cringed at that. How could he think of it even?
Kaoru looked at him with tears misting her eyes. "I'm blind, ain't I, Kenshin?"
Kenshin was dumbstruck. He had his arm around her, supporting her weight as she struggled to sit up, his mind suddenly pulled back into the present. He did not remove his arm around her, wanting to hold her a bit longer, wanting to comfort her, caress her, tell her everything will be alright. But all he managed to say was:
"Give it some time, Kaoru-dono. I'm sure your eyes will be able to see again, once you get well."
"Maybe. I'm not afraid of the darkness, really…It's just that…"
She gazed at him, her clear blue eyes shining with emotion. "It's just that I need to see someone, anyone in my mind, to feel that you're really there, outside my imagination. It's not really the darkness outside that hurts…It's the darkness in here" she told him, pointing to her head, her eyes wet with tears. "It's…it's the wall inside my mind that's frightening. I can't see what I can't remember…and the part that hurts the most is the fact that I might never know…never see…never remember even the ones I love…"
Kenshin trembled at that, instinctively drawing her head towards his breast, his chin resting on her hair.
"Kaoru-dono…"
She cried on his shoulder, knowing vaguely in her heart that whoever he is, he understood her, cared for her, must be someone special to her, to hold her thus in his arms. Her arm went up to his neck, and it made him shiver to feel her fingers against his bare skin, to see her eyes, her face so close to his…
He leaned forward, closing his eyes. There is nothing in the world that he would deny her now, nothing in the world that could keep him from letting her know how important she is to him…
The shoji opened abruptly. He looked up to see that other face. The one who had always haunted his memories.
"Gomen nasai…I just thought I might help…demo…" she caught his embarrassed look, and the motion of his head bending over the face of the young woman in his arms. "Demo…I can do it later, at some more opportune time…"
Kenshin would have said yes, but knew that where Kaoru's health is concerned, nothing else should get in the way. Even himself.
"Iie, Yukime-dono. Please go ahead and see if she's alright."
"Yu-Yukime-dono? Who is she Kenshin?"
Kenshin turned towards Kaoru with a smile on his face. "Yukime-dono is a good doctor. She and Megumi-dono had been looking after you."
Kaoru smiled. "Arigatou gozaimasu then, Yukime-dono. I hope I can return the favor someday."
Yukime bowed slightly. The girl's smile was brimming with innocence, and a simple girlish charm that was refreshing to see. She turned towards Kenshin slightly, and saw the glimmer in his violet eyes that burned with emotion. He was very protective of her. Even when she moved towards Kaoru, he kept his arm around her, supporting her, holding her arm gently in his as she checked the patient.
"It seems everything is fine. Don't worry about your eyes, Kaoru-dono. I'm sure it's going to get better in a few days," she told her, getting up.
Kenshin met her eyes, his smile bright and hopeful. "Arigatou gozaimasu, Yukime-dono. I hope Ayabe-dono isn't worried about your staying with us for a few days. We really appreciate your help…demo…"
His face became more serious, then apologetic. "Sumimasen…if I did something a while ago that offended you in any way…"
Yukime saw the confused look in Kaoru's eyes, and gazed back at Kenshin. "Iya, don't think about it. Anyone would worry, I guess, especially when their loved ones are in danger. Please think nothing of it, Himura-san."
Kaoru blushed a slight pink at the suggestion. Even in her blindness, her eyes shone like clear blue marbles, their light made even more becoming by the soft, flickering glow of candle light. Kenshin made no gesture to deny the suggestion, although he too, blushed slightly. "Hai, Yukime-dono…"
