The Journal of Aragorn
Aka Strider/Weird stubble guy
Author: Jo…nah, can you believe I actually contemplated giving my real name (Sarcastic laugh) As if! This one was written by me: Johnnys Eeyore
Title: The Journal of Aragorn aka Strider/Weird stubble guy
Disclaimer: Bah Humbug…I don't see why its necessary to write these bloody things. I reckon if they stopped making you write them then the suicide rate would drop by about 70% but anyway, you gotta do, what you gotta do…so here goes…once again I feel the need to tell you that I don't own the LOTR or any related characters, just incase you were under the delusion that I did (Rolls eyes) There are times that I wish I did own certain characters, such as Haldir, Boromir and Grima, so that I could force them to be my sex slaves…but sadly that will never happen (Sheds a tear) But that's life (Starts singing) "It's a hard knock life for us…" And no, I don't own the bloody song either! (Gets angry and kicks a shoe across the room. Feels macho)
Authors Note: This is a diary thingy of Aragorns that I just started writing the other night after watching The Nightmare Before Christmas…which is in NO way related to LOTR so I have no idea why I felt the need to tell you (Feels like a prick) Yes, it is absurd and disturbing in places, sorry if that isn't your cup of tea! Chow bella for now, see you at the end, where I harass you to review! (Smiles)
Day One'Had a shit day. Needed a leak in the forest. Whipped out my…thing but hit it on Nettles. Very sore, hurts to piss.
Vow of celibacy forced upon me as cock is of no use
This sort of thing wouldn't be an issue if I were King'
Day Two'Even crappier day than yesterday, if that's even possible!
Cock looks infected. Oozing a weird liquid that isn't semen.
Bored shitless. Have noticed that forest is very crappy. Have developed a vendetta against all shrubbery and foliage since penis incident.
I should be King…Crappy Gondor!'
Day Three'Too pissed off to write much. Beautiful wench with large chest was trying to seduce me but I had to say no to SEX!! Due to dick…God Dammit!!
Still not King'
Day Four'I'm going insane! Can't even masturbate because of scabby cock. Looks slightly better though. Was caught handling dick by Elves. Am now laughing stock of Rivendell…
Stupid penis'
Day Five'Went to the Prancing Pony with intent of getting excessively drunk.
Sat in corner on my own as cock smells a little. Think it's beginning to heal…it's about fucking time!
Weird quartet of midgets appeared. One fell over, soft shit, but then he disappeared. Thought I'd been smoking too much Jamaican grass but turns out he has the Ring of Power
…Still not King'
Day Six'Saved midgets from Ring Wraiths. Turns out midgets are hobbits! Agreed to try and help them get to Mordor so they can destroy Ring…well I need SOMETHING to do…boredom level is getting ridiculous.
Midgets have names! Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin. Turns out they know Gandalf, the bringer of weed; it's a small world!
Set off on 'Quest' as they call it. Soon discovered hobbits are fat and greedy. Had to give Merry and Pippin my last two Granny Smiths.
Took a piss, didn't burn as much. Definitely healing
Maybe if I succeed on mission with hobbits I will become King…I should be King'
Day Seven'Set up camp on hill with hobbits. Ventured off to find somewhere to take a shit in peace. Peeled scab off penis- looks better!
Came back to find fat hobbits had attracted Ring Wraiths. Mental Note to self- Hobbits are also incredibly stupid. Saved the day by setting R.W. on fire and waving sword like maniac. Classed as 'heroic'. On any other occasion would be classed as 'insane'
Midget managed to get stabbed, Frodo I think. Arwen arrived…Arwen is hot!
Caught Sam looking at Frodo's crotch. Think Sam is gay.
Still not bloody King'
Day Eight'Followed Arwen. Slowed down by lazy, fat midgets. Dreading Rivendell after fondling incident.
Need a shave…face beginning to resemble hedgehog.
Dick feels better. Might be needing it soon. Sure Arwen rubbed my ass
Not King'
Day Nine'Had wet dream about Arwen, cock is working again! HURRAH!
Reached Rivendell. No one mentioned penis incident, thank God
Arwen was eyeing me up after she caught me looking at her breasts.
Still not King and stubble is turning mangy'
Day Ten'Stayed in bed until absurdly late time.
Picked up razor to shave stubble, realised it was Elronds armpit shaver, vomited violently
Spend large percentage of day flirting with Arwen. She wants me bad, but who doesn't? There is no one who can resist the ever-mighty stubble! Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Found different razor with no disgusting uses, so used it to shave stubble! Was victim of a shock shaving accident. My hand slipped and now my entire stubbliness is gone! This could severely affect me getting laid. However, on plus side, face is now as smooth as a baby's ass.
Gandalf arrived. Bought weed. Almost kissed Gandalf I was so happy. Got stoned.
Elrond is calling a meeting…how boring! Wish it was an orgy!
Still not King'
